more crap about boys
Perhaps I'm, like, overreacting, but I checked my email at the airport in MYR (totally irrelevant to the story, just prefacing things a bit, trying to create a narrative) and I received a forward of an invitation to WHN's birthday party, which is occurring precisely tonight. Point being: it was a forward of something he sent to his mailing list (which I am on) yet I didn't get it from him directly but another mutual friend. Maybe he thought I would still be out of town, but he keeps very good track of these things and I told him I'd be back on Friday. So did he think I'd cramp his style or what? I'm not trying to be his girlfriend but that's insanely rude to have a birthday party and not invite me. Is he juggling some other chick?
I think I'm just really hormonal right now, but I got kind of depressed about this sitting in the airport. I really should dump him. I have guys pursuing me that I may not be as attracted to (and I don't understand the WHN chemistry much either) that wouldn't be inconsiderate assholes, but…ugh. I just am sick of dealing with this. I have issues. Realized this week: I don't open up to people very often (especially men) because I assume that once I do they will use the opportunity to neglect me or hurt me somehow.
Wonder why. My family is so cold and rigid, and they view emotions as a sign of weakness. They would probably even admit to this. That's just what I was raised in; and of course I've improved but I still feel dysfunctional.
Of course, there's probably great sense in me because WHN probably would neglect me if I were to open up to him more. But why am I attracted to guys like this at all? All these ridiculous questions, all this pathos.
What's more, I think I require my lovers to worship me, and since one person's attention span could never be enough, I want to be famous. I feel like a head case.
The Uber-Nerd wants to make me dinner (at my place, so no need to worry about the sexual connotation, such a gentleman) and seems to believe in courtship (what's that?) somehow, but ugh I don't know if I can deal with this. I just want friends. But yet, I also feel I need to have sex, so how does this happen without a normal relationship or one-night stands? So complicated.
I'm sure this bit of pessimism is hormonal, and I also have hardly slept and I just spent five days with my family for God's sake. I think I'll take a nap, maybe go see this Michael Moore movie tonight with AHJG who invited me to join him and his friends. Yeah, let's bring him into the mix again, great idea, sport.
I think I'm just really hormonal right now, but I got kind of depressed about this sitting in the airport. I really should dump him. I have guys pursuing me that I may not be as attracted to (and I don't understand the WHN chemistry much either) that wouldn't be inconsiderate assholes, but…ugh. I just am sick of dealing with this. I have issues. Realized this week: I don't open up to people very often (especially men) because I assume that once I do they will use the opportunity to neglect me or hurt me somehow.
Wonder why. My family is so cold and rigid, and they view emotions as a sign of weakness. They would probably even admit to this. That's just what I was raised in; and of course I've improved but I still feel dysfunctional.
Of course, there's probably great sense in me because WHN probably would neglect me if I were to open up to him more. But why am I attracted to guys like this at all? All these ridiculous questions, all this pathos.
What's more, I think I require my lovers to worship me, and since one person's attention span could never be enough, I want to be famous. I feel like a head case.
The Uber-Nerd wants to make me dinner (at my place, so no need to worry about the sexual connotation, such a gentleman) and seems to believe in courtship (what's that?) somehow, but ugh I don't know if I can deal with this. I just want friends. But yet, I also feel I need to have sex, so how does this happen without a normal relationship or one-night stands? So complicated.
I'm sure this bit of pessimism is hormonal, and I also have hardly slept and I just spent five days with my family for God's sake. I think I'll take a nap, maybe go see this Michael Moore movie tonight with AHJG who invited me to join him and his friends. Yeah, let's bring him into the mix again, great idea, sport.