it takes it toll
I spent my whole life blaming myself for other people's shit. If someone pushed me down a staircase, I blame myself for being in the way. If someone ever made fun of my looks, they werent being mean, I just need to be skinnier or wear more make-up. If someone didnt want to be my friend, I need to act more selfless. If someone was clearly pressuring me into doing something and I acted upset, its my fault for being so soft. If I got cheated on or dumped for someone else, then it is my fault for not being attractive or exciting enough.
sometimes things spiral down the staircase faster than you ever thought it could.
sometimes you think you really know someone from every angle though the truth is, they will be unpredictable.
the one you find closest will leave you, completely unsure or more depressed then you were before you tried to reach out to them.
the one you found closest will turn on you when you need them the most, making no sense at all.
sometimes i thought id take you back regardless of how low and cruel you acted.
sometimes i thought id carve open your heart to see what you really thought of me.
but it's everyday i think about what youve done.
My best friend i had for 7 years told me to fuck off. we never fought. not once an argue. she didnt tell me why she didnt want to be friends anymore. she didnt tell me anything except how badly she thought of me as a friend. about how i didnt want to be there for the 'bad times' and i only wanted to stick around for the good. the truth is i didnt know there were any 'bad times' going on. i would have stayed if i knew they were happening. believe me, i would.
She is telling people different stories about why we arent friends.
-we drifted apart (possible)
-i hurt her (i dont have any idea how)
-her boyfriend made her do it (her bf doesnt seem like the type)
-i spent too much time with my boyfriend (i was severely ill over the summer and didnt get to see him that much at all, so that cant be why)
or my favorite,
-her boyfriend made her act different (no comment)
Then, I spent a little over month or of thinking if she came back to me, I would welcome her back with open arms. Even though it wouldnt be the same, I didnt care. All I wanted was her back.
Now, I don't really give a fuck. If she wants me back, thats just too bad. Sure, I'm tired of splitting our group of friends when we are in the same place. The rejection of my simple waves or smiles. All the rumors. People asking me what I did, BECAUSE I DIDNT DO A FUCKING THING WRONG.
It's not my fault this time. I should clearly see. But, I can't. I still blame myself.
I can't stand this.
I can't stand to see her everyday anymore. When I hear her voice or see her face, my core feels like its falling. My stomach drops as if it is on a rollercoaster. I never thought I'd feel this way over anyone or anything. When I hear people talking aout her or they ask me about it, I literally shake most the time. I don't understand.
I can't wait to get out of this place.
I can't describe how much I hate myself.