Jun 26, 2007 08:33
so i pretty much have been completely content since krys got home. everything seems in it's place. except that i just feel mike and i falling appart more and more as each day goes by, and it makes me really sad. and he's not making once ounce to make anything better.
so since krys has been home i've spend all my free time with her. haha i love her. we went to ocean city sunday night. so much ridiculous shit went down. jp is home until wednesday. got some shit straightened out with him. some semi closure? i love hanging out with my boys at 2 in the morning at the mcdonalds parking lot. to anyone else it would seem boring and pointless. but i fucking love it. i feel so at home with them. and even though were not all what you could call 'close', i love them to death. and i've never felt better about a group of friends. i don't feel judged like i did in high and middle school, and that makes me really happy because i never felt that way before. we stayed out at the point diner till about 3:30. then krys stayed at my house.
got up and went to work at 2. kept forgetting that i was driving krys home and drove like i was going to work. it was kinda funny. got off work kinda early so i went and got krys. say jess which was nice. shes a pretty rad girl. and i don't say that often. hah. then we headed out to oc. no one was really there so we just walked around, went to wawa and headed home.
i really don't know what i want in regards to mike anymore. i feel so free and alive when i'm not with him. and almost held back when i am. i'm sure he feels the same way because of my paranoia. but thats something i really can't help. i'm pretty much conditioned to think a certain way. and as much as i try i can't stop thinking that way. no matter how much everyone reassures me, it will always be in the back of my head. and if i can't stop thinking this way i'm pretty much going to be alone forever. because no one wants to be accused of things they're not doing. i don't blame them. i realize how mad i get when mike makes comments to me about it, and it's not a good feeling. but he's broken my trust once before thats done it's extremely hard for me to let things go and gain that trust back. i just want to go back to last summer... when he would just look in my eyes and tell me that i was the prettiest girl he's ever seen, and he would make me the happiest girl ever given the chance. i would give anything in the world to have that feeling back. because now i feel like he doesn't even look at me. i can't even remember the last time he said i was pretty, or anything of that nature. i don't want to sound like a needy bitch that needs people constantly telling her shes pretty. because thats not the case at all. but just hearing it once in a while would make me feel a little bit better about the whole situation. just any effort from him would make things better. because i feel like he doesn't even want this anymore. and i he does he has a really bad way of showing it.
theres more i want to get out but this is getting long and i need to go to work... bah