our last days as children (siwon/yoonjae)
Title: our last days as children
Pairing: Siwon/Yoonjae
Rating: g
Spoilers: up to episode 11
our last days as children
“End things with him.”
Yoonjae’s voice shudders almost as hard as the way his hand is shaking, and Siwon looks down to see a crumpled piece of paper in his grip. It’s a relic: faded and barely legible but Siwon remembers it.
It’s an old promise, but an unbreakable one: Grant a wish, no matter what.
It’s only when he jerks his hand from her grip that it really hits her. Harder than all the signs she’s been ignoring, harder than the moment he leaned in and kissed her a year ago.
A year ago.
Three hundred and sixty five days sound like an eternity, but here it is and here they are and this has been eight thousand seven hundred and sixty six hours in the making - Yoonjae walking away from her for the first time in her life.
The old-Siwon would have screamed at Yoonjae to stop being an idiot; you’re bleeding and if you want to act tough then at least play the part and stop limping.
Today, Siwon doesn’t because she stands by the stairs and feels her skin tingling, as though she’s been scrubbed raw from the inside out. A thought accompanies this unsettling feeling and it terrifies her: it’s not the close-call or the way Yoonjae disappears around the corner without looking back, but the way someone can morph, from your best friend to a stranger to the reason your heart skips unevenly, without really changing at all.
Siwon buries her face into the pillow and waits for it to consume her.
It was at Songjoo’s funeral. She couldn’t stop the tears because her sister was dead and her mother couldn’t stop wailing and her father was sobbing against her coffin and she was crying because she was so angry with herself for crying; only the soft girls cried in class when they came to school with unfinished exercise books.
Yoonjae poked her in the shoulder and she shrugged him away violently.
He backed away quickly, but not without practically shouting, so his voice wouldn’t be drowned out by her tears. “It’s all right to cry! If you use all your tears all up now, you wouldn’t have to carry it in you for the next few years!”
It’s been six years but she’s kept this advice folded and tucked inside her and so she cries when she doesn’t get her way, when Tony looks into the camera when she’s watching him on television, when she realises she might never be more than one of those thousand faceless H.O.T. fans, just so when the next tragedy strikes, she wouldn’t need to curl up into herself and cry like she did once.
Siwon cries because growing up is less about having the future magically crystallize before one’s eyes, but because it’s more like getting lost and not being able to find your way back to how things were.
“Done.”
The paper slips from Yoonjae’s fingers and it flutters to his feet. “What?”
“I said, I’ve already done it,” she repeats firmly. "Four days ago."
“What?”
“The other coupons. Do you still have them?”
“Of course,” Yoonjae says, like it’s the most natural thing in the world to carry around these pieces of paper in his back pocket. They are all creased and Siwon nods at them.
“Spend them all now.”
“Why?”
She sighs loudly and lunges for them. Yoonjae actually jolts back and Siwon feels a laugh fizz past her mouth and she reads off the first one in her hand.
“‘Apologize, no matter what’. Yoon Yoonjae, I’m sorry. ‘Hug me, no matter what’.” Siwon takes a step in his direction and Yoonjae backs away, expression bewildered.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m apologizing. And getting rid of this childish thing. Isn’t it obvious?”
“Why?”
Siwon reaches forward quickly and pulls Yoonjae into an embrace and he topples against her at first, the impact making her blow out a lungful of air into his shirt, her face pressed flat to his chest.
"Because I love you," she says simply and it comes out as a murmur. No fireworks, no revelations.
And Yoonjae just stands there, so still that Siwon thinks she’s hugging a very warm mannequin and slowly, cautiously, and because they have all the time in the world, Yoonjae relaxes.
It’s cold and rash and Taewoong deserves so much better - he deserves Songjoo, but Siwon is not her sister and she’s never been good with words, whether spoken or written or left unsaid.
“Oppa, we need to break up.”
Taewoong looks up the barbecue and the smoke mists her eyes.
“Oh?” He says, and by the sound of his voice, he’s still humouring her. He’s still looking at her, with those soft eyes and Siwon inhales quickly. She speaks slowly, even though the thoughts come out just as disjointedly as they sound in her mind.
“My first kiss was with Yoonjae. It was a year ago. Oppa, I’m sorry. I miss my best friend.”
He drops the thongs and the sound is metallic and it resonates to Siwon’s bones.
“Oh.” He says it differently now, like it’s an exhalation and the sound a puzzle piece makes when it is clicked into place. Siwon suddenly feels far too old but this, this is growing up.
+ anonfeedme
+ concrit is welcomed!
Pairing: Siwon/Yoonjae
Rating: g
Spoilers: up to episode 11
our last days as children
“End things with him.”
Yoonjae’s voice shudders almost as hard as the way his hand is shaking, and Siwon looks down to see a crumpled piece of paper in his grip. It’s a relic: faded and barely legible but Siwon remembers it.
It’s an old promise, but an unbreakable one: Grant a wish, no matter what.
It’s only when he jerks his hand from her grip that it really hits her. Harder than all the signs she’s been ignoring, harder than the moment he leaned in and kissed her a year ago.
A year ago.
Three hundred and sixty five days sound like an eternity, but here it is and here they are and this has been eight thousand seven hundred and sixty six hours in the making - Yoonjae walking away from her for the first time in her life.
The old-Siwon would have screamed at Yoonjae to stop being an idiot; you’re bleeding and if you want to act tough then at least play the part and stop limping.
Today, Siwon doesn’t because she stands by the stairs and feels her skin tingling, as though she’s been scrubbed raw from the inside out. A thought accompanies this unsettling feeling and it terrifies her: it’s not the close-call or the way Yoonjae disappears around the corner without looking back, but the way someone can morph, from your best friend to a stranger to the reason your heart skips unevenly, without really changing at all.
Siwon buries her face into the pillow and waits for it to consume her.
It was at Songjoo’s funeral. She couldn’t stop the tears because her sister was dead and her mother couldn’t stop wailing and her father was sobbing against her coffin and she was crying because she was so angry with herself for crying; only the soft girls cried in class when they came to school with unfinished exercise books.
Yoonjae poked her in the shoulder and she shrugged him away violently.
He backed away quickly, but not without practically shouting, so his voice wouldn’t be drowned out by her tears. “It’s all right to cry! If you use all your tears all up now, you wouldn’t have to carry it in you for the next few years!”
It’s been six years but she’s kept this advice folded and tucked inside her and so she cries when she doesn’t get her way, when Tony looks into the camera when she’s watching him on television, when she realises she might never be more than one of those thousand faceless H.O.T. fans, just so when the next tragedy strikes, she wouldn’t need to curl up into herself and cry like she did once.
Siwon cries because growing up is less about having the future magically crystallize before one’s eyes, but because it’s more like getting lost and not being able to find your way back to how things were.
“Done.”
The paper slips from Yoonjae’s fingers and it flutters to his feet. “What?”
“I said, I’ve already done it,” she repeats firmly. "Four days ago."
“What?”
“The other coupons. Do you still have them?”
“Of course,” Yoonjae says, like it’s the most natural thing in the world to carry around these pieces of paper in his back pocket. They are all creased and Siwon nods at them.
“Spend them all now.”
“Why?”
She sighs loudly and lunges for them. Yoonjae actually jolts back and Siwon feels a laugh fizz past her mouth and she reads off the first one in her hand.
“‘Apologize, no matter what’. Yoon Yoonjae, I’m sorry. ‘Hug me, no matter what’.” Siwon takes a step in his direction and Yoonjae backs away, expression bewildered.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m apologizing. And getting rid of this childish thing. Isn’t it obvious?”
“Why?”
Siwon reaches forward quickly and pulls Yoonjae into an embrace and he topples against her at first, the impact making her blow out a lungful of air into his shirt, her face pressed flat to his chest.
"Because I love you," she says simply and it comes out as a murmur. No fireworks, no revelations.
And Yoonjae just stands there, so still that Siwon thinks she’s hugging a very warm mannequin and slowly, cautiously, and because they have all the time in the world, Yoonjae relaxes.
It’s cold and rash and Taewoong deserves so much better - he deserves Songjoo, but Siwon is not her sister and she’s never been good with words, whether spoken or written or left unsaid.
“Oppa, we need to break up.”
Taewoong looks up the barbecue and the smoke mists her eyes.
“Oh?” He says, and by the sound of his voice, he’s still humouring her. He’s still looking at her, with those soft eyes and Siwon inhales quickly. She speaks slowly, even though the thoughts come out just as disjointedly as they sound in her mind.
“My first kiss was with Yoonjae. It was a year ago. Oppa, I’m sorry. I miss my best friend.”
He drops the thongs and the sound is metallic and it resonates to Siwon’s bones.
“Oh.” He says it differently now, like it’s an exhalation and the sound a puzzle piece makes when it is clicked into place. Siwon suddenly feels far too old but this, this is growing up.
+ anonfeedme
+ concrit is welcomed!