(no subject)
I came to DC to see a bunch of bands, which is the best and worst reason to come to a college ever. You spend a lot of money and you inhale a lot of smoke and you have a weird desire to date boys who wear glasses or boys who have beards or worst yet--boys who wear glasses and have beards-- and you find people attractive who are equally politically apathetic and yet show a strong leaning towards leftist politics. But you learn what you like and hate and that's more than a liberal arts education has given me.
I have too much going on and I have this entire year. At the same time, i feel so busy but I'm holding up empty hands. I've got nothing to show for anything. I'm pretty depressing. I think I have cancer. Sometimes I wish that I do, just so I could get some sense scared into me, take some time off, and have no one judge me for any of it. I'm planning on taking some time off, but I haven't planned how to bring that subject up with the people who pay for me and with the people I care about most. How can you say, hey, I'm not okay and I haven't been okay for a while and I think I need some time away from everyone, including you.
I had a dream about people who have almost completely passed out of my life. It is regression. It is 'the grass is always greener.' We were all in bed in a sideways house with hundreds of stairs and boarded up windows. It was broken. I was broken. I am broken? I can't broke. Break. Brake. I don't want to throw up thinking about exams and I don't want to cry when I'm trying to tell someone that I'm having a hard time at school. And I don't want everything I say to be flawed and I don't want that hole in my argument to be brought up. Not tonight. Not next week. Maybe next semester. We'll talk then.
I carry my phone with me at all times. I hold it in my lap to catch the vibration before the haw of the buzzbuzzbuzz. I want the news first. I want it in my ear. I want to hear what someone has to say to me. I want results. I want the results. I want to know why I hurt. I want to know why this is the easiest way for me to talk to someone about this without it being yelled at me or lectured in that tone--oh I hate that tone and what it means and how I can't make myself strong enough to make it go away. I want to know why I operate in this way--say everything that you want to say, write it down as it comes to your head, make sure it's too long and rambling for anyone to read it or anyone to care. I've left you crying voicemails, you didn't even call me back. You didn't even attempt to hear my side of the story. I held the phone in my lap waiting for you to call. I wanted to catch the vibrations before the ring, I wanted to catch you. You didn't call.
I have too much going on and I have this entire year. At the same time, i feel so busy but I'm holding up empty hands. I've got nothing to show for anything. I'm pretty depressing. I think I have cancer. Sometimes I wish that I do, just so I could get some sense scared into me, take some time off, and have no one judge me for any of it. I'm planning on taking some time off, but I haven't planned how to bring that subject up with the people who pay for me and with the people I care about most. How can you say, hey, I'm not okay and I haven't been okay for a while and I think I need some time away from everyone, including you.
I had a dream about people who have almost completely passed out of my life. It is regression. It is 'the grass is always greener.' We were all in bed in a sideways house with hundreds of stairs and boarded up windows. It was broken. I was broken. I am broken? I can't broke. Break. Brake. I don't want to throw up thinking about exams and I don't want to cry when I'm trying to tell someone that I'm having a hard time at school. And I don't want everything I say to be flawed and I don't want that hole in my argument to be brought up. Not tonight. Not next week. Maybe next semester. We'll talk then.
I carry my phone with me at all times. I hold it in my lap to catch the vibration before the haw of the buzzbuzzbuzz. I want the news first. I want it in my ear. I want to hear what someone has to say to me. I want results. I want the results. I want to know why I hurt. I want to know why this is the easiest way for me to talk to someone about this without it being yelled at me or lectured in that tone--oh I hate that tone and what it means and how I can't make myself strong enough to make it go away. I want to know why I operate in this way--say everything that you want to say, write it down as it comes to your head, make sure it's too long and rambling for anyone to read it or anyone to care. I've left you crying voicemails, you didn't even call me back. You didn't even attempt to hear my side of the story. I held the phone in my lap waiting for you to call. I wanted to catch the vibrations before the ring, I wanted to catch you. You didn't call.