....back again
after what seems to be an eternity... i've finally found the happiness that i was in desperate need of. it's been so long since i updated this journal, i've forgotten some of the things i've posted! but looking back now, they seem to be just milestones in my life, and memories that i can choose to look back on or simply forget.
for those of you who are reading this, i'll update you on whats been going on with me.
it took a really long time, but i've finally accepted myself for who i am and i learned to love my imperfections. after all, there's no one else out there like me, except for me! i did a lot of soul searching, and what i found, i cannot even describe. what i can say is that never again, will i allow myself to be defined by others and conform to their standards or expectations. i have broken out of my shell and i am ready to take charge of my own life and my own future.
of course there have been bad days [ but those can be expected every now and then]
after the last time i was in the hospital i told myself, no more! no more hurting yourself and hurting others in the process...unfortunately, [but not surprisingly] i fell off the wagon once or twice...
the last episode i had, was about a year or so ago... honestly, it just crept up on me and hit me so hard i didnt even see it coming. I was in bed for about two weeks and i probably would've stayed in bed longer, if my mom hadn't dragged me out. So after i got out of bed, I was in desperate need of a shower, so I got my things together and turned on the shower. Looking in the medicine cabinet i saw a few bottles and took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. In the shower i slit my wrists again, and basically just sat there staring at the blood. But it was like i was looking at myself doing it, like i was out of my body just watching myself take the blade and trace out my veins until all you could see was the blood that was seeping through.... I ended up in the emergency room, and the doctor's said if i hadnt taken the sleeping pills, i wouldnt have made it. It seems the pills slowed down my heart rate and something about the blood... i forget all i know is that looking back, i do take full responsibilities for my actions and recognize that the only person to blame is myself and by doing so, i see that unless i can accept what i've been doing and how i have been choosing to live my life, i cannot change my ways.
not too long after that, my parents decided it was time to go their separate ways... and that was a difficult time for all of us. i think the worst part of it all is that they "separated" without actually "separating"... do you understand?
let me explain...
my mom decided she no longer wanted to be with my dad. my dad decided he didnt want to move out. then my mom said, get out of my house. and my dad? he said, no. so he was sleeping in the garage. and then?
my mom said its time for you to leave. my dad said this is my house!
after that... it gets even worse... my mom, started talking to someone else. and my dad was not having any of that. but i dont really understand why he reacted in the way that he did, since he's had a second family since i was about 6! so what he did was blame us for her actions. and for awhile it seemed things started to simmer down... BUT THEN my dad said if you're gonna be "whoring around" i'm staying in this house, and i dont need your permission.
and then.... oh my ... she said, lets be friends, which of course didnt last long. fast forwarding to now, my mom and i have been living in torrance for about 3 months now. [yes, she moved out and i couldnt be happier!]
the bad thing from that is that my sisters and my brother decided to stay with him and not move with my mom. for my mom that was a really low blow. but now, they ARE coming to stay with us, and things seem to be looking up.
now for the good....
well to start, we moved out! i mean, i'm so happy that my mom finally decided to move on with her life and stopped letting my dad walk all over her. i mean, i know that he's my dad, but that doesnt mean that he has the right to treat my mom the way he has for over 20 years..
also, i finally went back to school. i'm really happy that i am studying again, because for a while i thought i was not get an opportunity to do so. and although i did lose my scholarships... i'm making it on my own, and i am planning to reapply for the next semester. i'm currently working on my transfer to the university of delaware with a double major in Business and Journalism.
the MOST exciting thing thats happened, i got married! my husband and i got married August 31 of this year, and that was the happiest day of my entire life. Unfortunately, we've been apart for the last couple of months due to his being stationed in delaware.... [which is why i chose the university of delaware] and even though i miss him so terribly, i know that we'll be together very VERY soon.
so to finish this off... i'm finally taking charge of my life, i'm doing better than i ever have and i'm looking forward to spending many years of bliss with my new husband!.
...hopefully i didnt put you to sleep!
XOXO
for those of you who are reading this, i'll update you on whats been going on with me.
it took a really long time, but i've finally accepted myself for who i am and i learned to love my imperfections. after all, there's no one else out there like me, except for me! i did a lot of soul searching, and what i found, i cannot even describe. what i can say is that never again, will i allow myself to be defined by others and conform to their standards or expectations. i have broken out of my shell and i am ready to take charge of my own life and my own future.
of course there have been bad days [ but those can be expected every now and then]
after the last time i was in the hospital i told myself, no more! no more hurting yourself and hurting others in the process...unfortunately, [but not surprisingly] i fell off the wagon once or twice...
the last episode i had, was about a year or so ago... honestly, it just crept up on me and hit me so hard i didnt even see it coming. I was in bed for about two weeks and i probably would've stayed in bed longer, if my mom hadn't dragged me out. So after i got out of bed, I was in desperate need of a shower, so I got my things together and turned on the shower. Looking in the medicine cabinet i saw a few bottles and took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. In the shower i slit my wrists again, and basically just sat there staring at the blood. But it was like i was looking at myself doing it, like i was out of my body just watching myself take the blade and trace out my veins until all you could see was the blood that was seeping through.... I ended up in the emergency room, and the doctor's said if i hadnt taken the sleeping pills, i wouldnt have made it. It seems the pills slowed down my heart rate and something about the blood... i forget all i know is that looking back, i do take full responsibilities for my actions and recognize that the only person to blame is myself and by doing so, i see that unless i can accept what i've been doing and how i have been choosing to live my life, i cannot change my ways.
not too long after that, my parents decided it was time to go their separate ways... and that was a difficult time for all of us. i think the worst part of it all is that they "separated" without actually "separating"... do you understand?
let me explain...
my mom decided she no longer wanted to be with my dad. my dad decided he didnt want to move out. then my mom said, get out of my house. and my dad? he said, no. so he was sleeping in the garage. and then?
my mom said its time for you to leave. my dad said this is my house!
after that... it gets even worse... my mom, started talking to someone else. and my dad was not having any of that. but i dont really understand why he reacted in the way that he did, since he's had a second family since i was about 6! so what he did was blame us for her actions. and for awhile it seemed things started to simmer down... BUT THEN my dad said if you're gonna be "whoring around" i'm staying in this house, and i dont need your permission.
and then.... oh my ... she said, lets be friends, which of course didnt last long. fast forwarding to now, my mom and i have been living in torrance for about 3 months now. [yes, she moved out and i couldnt be happier!]
the bad thing from that is that my sisters and my brother decided to stay with him and not move with my mom. for my mom that was a really low blow. but now, they ARE coming to stay with us, and things seem to be looking up.
now for the good....
well to start, we moved out! i mean, i'm so happy that my mom finally decided to move on with her life and stopped letting my dad walk all over her. i mean, i know that he's my dad, but that doesnt mean that he has the right to treat my mom the way he has for over 20 years..
also, i finally went back to school. i'm really happy that i am studying again, because for a while i thought i was not get an opportunity to do so. and although i did lose my scholarships... i'm making it on my own, and i am planning to reapply for the next semester. i'm currently working on my transfer to the university of delaware with a double major in Business and Journalism.
the MOST exciting thing thats happened, i got married! my husband and i got married August 31 of this year, and that was the happiest day of my entire life. Unfortunately, we've been apart for the last couple of months due to his being stationed in delaware.... [which is why i chose the university of delaware] and even though i miss him so terribly, i know that we'll be together very VERY soon.
so to finish this off... i'm finally taking charge of my life, i'm doing better than i ever have and i'm looking forward to spending many years of bliss with my new husband!.
...hopefully i didnt put you to sleep!
XOXO