Ginzura Advent day 6 prompt: fic part 1
Loosely based on the 6th day ginzura advent prompt.
Beta by the very patient Pixelated Bloodbath.
No Pairings.
“People magazine has, once again, crowned Hollywood actress Julia Roberts the most beautiful person in the world. This is the fourth time that she has been chosen, thanks to her timeless beauty.”
He watched the TV report intently, muscles tense with excitement at the news. “You’re so beautiful, Julia…so wonderful…so lovely...,” he whispered intimately, a claw-like appendage running gently across Julia’s smiling face on the screen. “I know none can compare to you, but I must do this…I must find others. Maybe…maybe one of them will be good enough!”
“And in other news, Edo police continue the hunt for the individual responsible for kidnapping women in the city. The victims go missing, then are found after a period ranging from a few hours to a few days, usually close to where they were last seen, suffering from hypothermia but otherwise unharmed . None of the victims could identify their kidnapper and none could recall the method of kidnapping. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Edo police. As part of their strategy to protect the citizens of Edo and apprehend the criminal responsible, the police will deploy more officers to patrol the city, and are advising citizens not to be alarmed at the increased presence but to remain vigilant and keep female family members and friends in sight at all times and to accompany them whenever they are outside.”
He had long since stopped listening and was scanning a piece of paper neatly filled with diagrams and charts. Nodding to himself, he pocketed the document before jumping out the window and disappearing into the city below.
It was going to be another busy day.
~~~
A big shiny white smile alone doesn’t make you beautiful.
“Look, Gin-chan! Dango! Get me some dango!” Kagura pulled on Gintoki’s sleeve, excited and hungry as usual.
“Eh? If you want something get it yourself. Kids these days are pathetic; they want everything without earning it.” Gintoki retorted, trying to pull his sleeve away. “Go out there and earn your own dango and stop eating all the food in the house, couch potato girl!”
“If anyone here is a couch potato, it’s you, uh-huh!” Kagura yelled, heavily invested in the sleeve tug-of-war. “Don’t forget I’m the heroine of this show! A kawaii champion of justice with a bright future! And you’re a just lazy bum who doesn’t even pay me, uh-huh! I probably won’t ever get the money from this job, you slave driver…no, you pimp!”
“Kagura-chan!” Shinpachi screeched, mortified, as he looked around at the shocked and disgusted faces around him. “Don’t say stuff like that in public! Especially not when we’re working!”
With the Edo police dedicating all its resources to investigating and halting the kidnappings, the three were working guard duty at a local market. The police had been desperate to hire replacements for such minor jobs, and thus all three were able to secure work (with a little résumé tweaking, of course). As to how long they would keep this job though, that would be another story.
“Why not? It’s the truth!” Kagura responded, dismissing Shinpachi with a wave of her hand. “When was the last time we got paid? He just takes all the money we earn and blows it all at pachinko, like a bona fide pimp, uh-huh! A loser like you might be ok with that, but not me! I have bigger dreams and I won’t let him stand in my way!”
“If you mean your pathetic dreams of eating rice with soy sauce, maybe they’ll come true when you stop eating me out of house and home!” Gintoki argued. “You think your food pays for itself, huh? Between a human vacuum cleaner like you and a gigantic pooping machine like your pet from Hell, I barely have anything left to feed myself! You can’t have your cake and eat it too, idiot!”
“Ha! As if you would ever buy me cake!”
The two continued to quarrel, ignoring Shinpachi who was desperately trying to pacify the escalating situation. “Guys! We’re on guard duty here! If anyone reports us to the officer in charge, they’ll fire us and no one will get paid!”
“SHUT UP, FOUR EYES!” the two replied in unison, before returning to their argument.
“That was uncalled for!” Shinapchi screeched again, fixing his glasses unconsciously. “Do you think I like wearing glasses? God made me this way and I am more beautiful for it, you bastards!”
At this point, guard duty was completely forgotten and the three bickered and fought, while the market patrons kept a safe distance away.
“Quarreling with children about trivial matters instead of taking your job seriously. Gintoki, you have once again failed at setting an example to the future of Edo.” Katsura’s critique was as sharp-edged as a sword.
“What are you doing here, Zura? And who let you out in public?”
“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura. With the idiotic Shinsengumi and useless police factions busy with the kidnappings, I thought I would take a hassle-free walk with the rest of society.”
“What society are you referring to, Zura? No society would ever accept an out-of-touch reject like you. Go find a time machine and maybe you’ll find your niche.”
“Better than a pimp, uh-huh!” Kagura chimed, eager to get one last jab in.
“Pimp?” Katsura narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Gintoki, just when I thought you couldn’t fall any farther... I feel compelled to take Leader and Shinpachi-kun under my wing to protect them from your repulsive influences.”
“I want to go with Zura,” Kagura exclaimed, bouncing with happiness. “He has nmaibo and Eli. They’ll never take advantage of me like you, Gin-chan!”
“Shut up!” Gintoki became more annoyed with Katsura than he was with Kagura. “Don’t patronize me, you freak! There’s no bigger degenerate here than you! And you, go ahead and go with him, damned brat.” He turned to the girl. “You won’t last two minutes hanging around his obsolete mind, and don’t come crying to me when you regret it.”
“Looking after the needs of children is not obsolete, Gintoki. You have been tainted by this new world with your irresponsible indulges. Taking advantage of women and children is a disgrace to all Samurai-no, all mankind!”
“Yeah! Tell ’im Zura! Tell him he better buy me that cake or I won’t forgive him for taking advantage of me, uh-huh!”
“Who’s taking advantage of you, Kagura-chan?” Otae suddenly appeared with Kyuube in tow. She cracked her knuckles, promising pain despite her disarming smile. “Men who take advantage of little girls are scum~”
“No, Aneue!” Shinpachi jumped in, hoping to reason with his volatile and irrational sister. “It’s a misunderstanding! She’s just… trying out a new word, that’s all! Hehe...”
“Shinpachi-kun, figures that you would side with the oppressive male than with righteousness,” Kyuube observed monotonously, giving Gintoki a scathing look.
“What are you saying, Kyuube-dono? Don’t lump all men together with Gintoki! As someone concerned with the future of Edo I do not condone this intolerable abuse!” Katsura gestured grandly, his heart full of love for Edo and his Samurai beliefs.
“I’m glad we are all in agreement, Katsura-san” Otae smiled again, taking a step towards Gintoki, “Gin-san, I trusted that you would be a good example for my brother. HOW DARE YOU BETRAY MY TRUST?”
But Otae’s swung fist, aiming to maim and destroy, was stopped before flattening its intended target.
“HA! In your dreams, sister!” Sachan exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere like a good ninja should. “Like I would ever let you lay a hand on my Gin-san!”
“Oh, Sarutobi-san!” Otae blinked in surprise, then smiled evilly, pulled back and swung again, now towards a new target. “LIKE YOU HAVE A CHOICE!”
Sachan leapt gracefully away, unknowingly dropping her glasses along the way. “Gin-san! What is this I hear about you being a pimp? How could you!” She moved to hug her love. “After all we went through together!”
“What did we go through together, exactly?” Gintoki asked no one in particular, fending off a developing headache.
“Let go.” Kyuube grimaced, trying to escape the unwanted embrace.
I always knew you were ruthless, but not this!” The ninja continued, squeezing her victim with all her might. “Ohhh, I like it! I doooo~”
"You are a sick and deluded individual,” Kyuube said, finally breaking free. “You disgust me.”
"I’m glad we’re in agreement, Kyuu-chan.” Otae concurred happily and turned towards the blind Ninja. “I don’t know what self-respecting woman would encourage this type of lowly behavior.”
"HA!” Sachan laughed, finally finding her glasses and her opponent, tossing her hair arrogantly. “What would you know about being a woman, little girl?”
“WHY YOU!” Otae swung again, but Sachan jumped away, and the two battled it out all over the market grounds.
"Good riddance.” Gintoki sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I hope the two of them get arrested for disturbing the peace.”
“Uh, Gin-san? You realize that it would be our job to do that, right?” Shinpachi noted fearfully.
“Not likely, we’re not cops. We only have to report them.” Gintoki responded, watching the battle in the distance. “Besides, they’ll need the army to stop your sister.”
“I doubt it would do any good.” Katsura observed, also watching the battle. “They were useless against the Amanto. They would be equally useless here.”
"That’s true, but it’s not our problem anyway.” Gintoki turned to Katsura, looking the other in the eye so that there is no room for misunderstanding. “And why are you still here, Zura? After that long speech about intolerable behavior, weren’t you going to take her under you wing? Take her and go far away and never come back!”
"I never thought I’d see the day when you became the Ataru Moroboshi of Edo, useless and lecherous. Even Ryo Saeba had good qualities despite his shortcomings.” He sighed sadly, “I shall keep Leader in my care until you come to your senses. All the candy you’ve been eating has rotted your brain and soul, not just your hair.” Katsura chided, waving Gintoki away. “Come Leader, let’s get some soba.”
"I don’t want soba, I want dango!” Kagura rushed to Katsura’s side. “Zura, if you get me dango it’ll prove that you’re a champion of the hungry, uh-huh!”
"Too many sweets will rot your brain and you’ll end up like Gintoki.” Katsura replied, folding his hands into his sleeves and walking away with her. “Soba is the food of the Japanese spirit.”
“I’m not Japanese so just give me dango.” Kagura could be heard saying as the two walked off.
"Are you going to let her go, Gin-san?” Shinpachi turned to the other, overcome with a feeling of impending doom.
“Of course! In fact, I think I’m going to throw a party!” Gintoki laughed. “I’m finally rid of that bottomless pit of gluttony! And if I’m lucky, she’ll take Zura with her and I’ll be rid of the two biggest thorns in my side!”
“I don’t think Katsura-san is going to last very long with Kagura-chan.” Shinpachi fretted.
“Ah who cares, let him have a taste of what I put up with. And even better, now that Kagura is gone, we get her share of the pay!”
“You talk like I get to see a penny of what we make.” Shinpachi scoffed.
“So, she was telling the truth, then.” Kyuube mumbled.
“Oh! You’re still here, Kyuube-san? I thought you went with Aneue.”
“When Otae is fighting, I like to stay away. She tends to forget herself.” She blushed, embarrassed for criticizing her beloved.
“She ‘tends to destroy her surroundings indiscriminately’ is what you probably wanted to say.” Gintoki yawned, closing his eyes and falling silent. Kyuube could do nothing but glare.
Far away and engrossed in her battle, Otae was doing just that. The market grounds would never be the same.
~~~He watched the long haired person with the eye patch. He checked his list and chart, nodded, and mumbled under his breath. He had captured enough women to know one despite disguises.
She was strange. Not feminine at all and far too stiff, but that didn’t matter when she was such a good match.
He readied himself for the right moment and edged closer to the target. She was just too tense, but he was a hunter; he was accustomed to waiting.
~~~
“Ah~ I thought this would be an easy job.” Gintoki scratched his side, waking from his short nap. “Why did all the freaks have to show up?”
“Freaks?” Kyuube asked challengingly.
“Ah, never mind.” He replied flippantly, not wanting to waste any more energy on fighting and arguing.
“Hm. I thought so.”
Shinpachi began to sweat, dreading being caught in the middle of another battle. “Kyuube-san…” he began, hoping to clear the air. “Did you and my sister have plans today?”
Kyuube turned to him to answer.
~~~
There it was. She had finally turned away from him. He was sure those two would not be a hindrance, and so he aimed…
~~~
“What-“ Shinpachi couldn’t believe his eyes. Unexpectedly, Kyuube was pulled off the ground and pulled towards a tree by an unseen force. She disappeared into the foliage. She didn’t even have a chance to scream. Was this for real?
“KYUUBE-SAN!”
Gintoki wasted no time on yelling and quickly made his way up the tree but could find no one there. What the hell?
Leaping down to the ground, Gintoki quickly scanned his surroundings. There was no trace of the kidnapper or her.
“Gin-san! Do you think that was the same kidnapper the police are looking for?”
“I don’t know.” Gintoki turned to Shinpachi. The tension evaporated from his body and he replied casually, “But if that was the case then we shouldn’t be too worried since all of the women were found unharmed. It’s not like any man can touch her without getting castrated anyway. I’m not worried about her virtue.”
“Do you think the kidnapper would…?” Shinpachi couldn’t bring himself to complete the thought, and despite the likelihood that she would escape uninjured, he couldn’t help but worry. “Either way, it’s shocking that he managed to take Kyuube-san of all people. I’m going to find Aneue!”
Gintoki had nothing to say to that, and only after Shinpachi ran off did the frown make its way across his face.
He had a bad feeling about this.
~~~
"I told you before, and I’ll say it again!” Sachan yelled as she dodged a flurry of deadly blows. “You stay away from Gin-san, you hussy!”
“I don’t care about him, you blind fool!” Otae yelled back, “I would never want anything to do with that man! He is disgusting and lazy and you can keep him, you twit!”
“Then explain yourself! I saw you reaching for him, in broad daylight!”
“I was trying to beat some sense into him! Are you so deluded in your love for that reject that you can’t even understand what is going on around you?”
“Oh, I understand well enough!” Sachan leapt into one of the last trees still standing and retaliated with shuriken.
“No, I don’t think you do!” Otae shouted, evaded the shuriken and followed to the top of the tree. “No woman in her right mind would ever pursue him. That says a lot about you!”
“Our love is far too complex for a child like you to understand. After all, we are the main pairing of the show; the sexy hero and heroine and their &*#$@^% ^#@!*!”
“What the hell are you saying, &*^%$? I’m the heroine of the manga!”
The two women faced off for round two, and that was when Shinpachi made his entrance.
~~~
She was a good match too, the Hunter thought; she was too loud and violent and he hated those traits, but it wasn’t like he had to deal with her personality once he captured her. The other girl was all of that and ugly to boot; he hated that above all. No matter, he would put up with it for the sake of his creation. He had to wait for the right moment.
The waiting was getting very frustrating, though. And was that guy with glasses following him?
~~~
“Aneue!” Shinpachi yelled, interrupting the battle. “Kyuube-san’s been kidnapped!”
“WHAT?” Otae quickly dispatched the ninja’s attacks and was at her brother’s side, listening intently to the story.
Sachan curiously watched from the treetop, debating whether to join them. It was when she finally decided to make her way down that the Hunter acted.
He aimed and fired, but missed. DAMN!
The three immediately turned in his direction and he knew he had only one more try. It was going to be difficult, and he hardly ever physically intervened for a catch…but that ugly girl was in his way!
He had tried to be a patient hunter, but… Ah, screw it. “Out of my way, ugly!”
~~~
Something had moved; they felt a cold wind sweep and saw a mass of bluish-white stuff hanging off the tree top where Sachan was just standing. Looking back in the direction it seemed to have come from; Otae was abruptly pushed to the side by an invisible force that shouted. “Out of my way, ugly!”
Her eyes widened with astonishment, Shinapchi’s with fearful anticipation, and Sachan’s with shock as she was propelled helplessly toward an unknown source.
“SACHAN SAN!”
Otae was quicker on her feet than even Gintoki (probably due to the fact that she’d been insulted). She dove in the direction Sachan had disappeared and put a hole in the innocent tree.
There was no one there, but it didn’t matter. They wouldn’t be long for this world when she found them.
~~~
“…And it was then that we were certain that despite conquering our country, they would never conquer our hearts or spirits. We stripped ourselves of all luxury, put everything behind us, and headed off towards the glorious horizon.”
Katsura put down his bowl of Soba noodles and got to his feet, excited by the thought of having a protégé.
“Zura, I don’t care about the glorious horizon or anything that doesn’t involve more dango,” Kagura mumbled around her mouthful. “Get me more glorious dango and I’ll think about it, uh- huh.”
“Ha ha ha, Leader!” Katsura laughed boisterously. “You have that keen American humor. You really watch too much TV. Now that you are staying with me, you shall put aside all of that drivel and dedicate your heart and soul to the ways of the warrior. Your reward shall be the occasional Korean drama; I hear Boys over Flowers is all the rage these days.”
“Zura, I’ll take dango over flowers anytime so don’t try to trick me. I only came with you because you promised to feed me, so don’t go getting any crazy ideas.”
"Why, what do you mean, Leader?” He gasped dramatically. ”You mean to say that you plan on persisting in those lazy habits Gintoki taught you? How can I take you with me if you don’t swear an oath to the Joui and their secrets? Why won’t you be like Arale Norimaki?”
“Zura, it’ll take more than rice crackers to tempt me! Try a little harder.” Kagura licked her plate clean and began cleaning her teeth with the wooden skewer. “Your way of life sounds boring and tiresome. I only came for the food, uh-huh.”
Katsura gave her a betrayed look. “I had such hopes for you, but it seems like Gintoki’s influence on you is too powerful.”
“I think your delusions are what’s powerful, uh-huh.”
“It breaks my heart that you care not for the future of this country.”
“I only care about the future of what goes in my belly.”
~~~
Shinpachi didn’t know what else to do but to find Gintoki. Although lazy and mostly undependable, Gintoki always knew what to do…sometimes. Well, it’s not like Shinpachi had a huge array of choices at the moment. His mind reeled with the memories of the two kidnappings he had witnessed. Kyuube-san and Sachan San are two of the strongest women I’ve ever met. How could they be captured so easily? How could the kidnapper remain undetected like that?
What was happening, and who would be the next target? He looked around him, seeing countless women and endless targets. It was impossible to defend them all, especially with the kidnapper’s devious and unorthodox methods. He had to protect the women of Edo and the most important person to him of all…Well, it certainly wouldn’t be his sister since the kidnapper made that quite clear. That was one less thing to worry about.
“GIN-SAN! HE GOT SACHAN SAN TOO!”
~~~
That last capture was a close one; the ugly girl had nearly flattened him with her fist. He was trying to still his rapidly beating heart and focus on the next task.
After scouring the market ground for more matches, he had come across a man and a young girl eating at the edge of the market grounds. The girl was not a match by any means, stuffing her round face full of dango like a glutton. He hated unbecoming behavior like that.
Her companion, on the other hand, was a perfect match. He normally ignored the presence of any male, but he couldn’t ignore this one, for it was too loud and endlessly and grandly gesturing to the other. Despite not being of his favored gender, his delicate features fit the bill. The Hunter hesitated, having never captured a man before. Would he even be capable of doing so?
Yet, how could he not have this specimen? He thought of beautiful Julia and quickly made up his mind.
~~~
“The youth of today are truly selfish.” Katsura lamented while Kagura polished off his forgotten soba.
“Watch what you say, kids nowadays are not just selfish but smart and resourceful too. I’m on to your tricks, Zura! I won’t let you sweet talk me with just dango. Give me a burger and then we’ll talk, uh-huh.”
“A burger? Even your dietary choices leave much to be desired. If you were to choose foreign food you should choose an establishment with a respectable head of staff. How about that dignified Colonel and his fried chicken instead of that
overly zealous clown?” In truth, the clown’s boisterous laugh simply reminded Katsura too much of someone.
“Zura, give me your wallet and you won’t have to deal with Ronald.”
Katsura sighed, feeling the helplessness of the situation.
~~~
Although unsure of his weaponry’s effects on a male, the Hunter knew he would have to do something about that gluttonous girl first. He readied himself, fighting off the uncertainty of the outcome and fired.
~~~
“Did you see anything?” Gintoki asked solemnly.
“No!” Shinpachi panted, trying to catch his breath. “It was just like Kyuube-san…except…”
“We felt a very cold wind blow right by us before she was captured and saw a mass of something white shoot out from where she was standing,” Otae interjected. “If this person managed to capture Kyu-chan and Sarutobi-san, then the entire female population is at risk just like they said on the news! We have to do something, Gin-san!”
Gintoki nodded in agreement, then paused. “Say, then how come you’re still here?”
Otae’s frightened expression disintegrated into rage, and Gintoki wished he too had disintegrated when she was done with him.
“We should find Kagura-chan!” Otae exclaimed, dusting off her hands and suddenly feeling much better. “Even she could be the next victim!”
“That’s right, Aneue,” Shinpachi agreed. “Just let me untangle Gin-san first.”
~~~
Katsura pondered a rebuttal to Leader’s clever arguments, but could not come to one that would sway her opinion. Could she be only using him? No, she was far too young and innocent, despite her leadership qualities. He turned to confront her and found himself unconsciously moving away from the projectile that was fired from one of the nearby trees. Turning to Kagura, he was surprised to find her covered in thick slimy mucus.
He reached out to clean the stuff off of her, but it was sticky. He guessed that he’d needed water to clean it. First, though, he had to deal with the villain responsible for this perverted act!
“AHA! I knew it would work!”
Startled, Katsura turned towards the voice and found no one.
“You can’t escape me now, my lovely!”
He focused on the source of the voice, and could see what seemed to be a translucent mass, which would be invisible to the average person. Luckily, Katsura was not an average person. “Show yourself, fiend! Your camouflage tactics can’t fool me!”
The Hunter smiled in return; he liked challenges. He jumped into the trees and waited for the right opportunity.
~~~
The three searched the market grounds, and would have split up since none of them were potential victims, but Otae insisted very vocally and aggressively, that she could still be one and thus should not be left alone.
They each got a black eye just for thinking it, though.
When they made it to the edge of the market grounds, Gintoki noticed the soba stall and immediately hurried to it. What he found was a mass of mucus on a wooden seat, and Katsura in a battle stance.
“Zura! Where is Kagura?”
“She’s in here!” Katsura replied, motioning to the mucus mass with a nod of his head. “But don’t touch it, and don’t let your guard down! He’s camouflaged!”
Camouflage! Gintoki finally understood how no one had seen the kidnapper yet; he was both fast and adept at hiding himself. But why was Kagura still here? Why didn’t he just take her like the others? No matter. He, Shinpachi, and Otae surrounded Kagura and there was no way he could evade them all.
"Keep your eyes peeled for anything and everything that moves!” Gintoki said, searching his surroundings, “He can’t get past us all!”
"Don’t worry, Kagura-chan!’ Otae said, “We’ll protect you from this #%$&!”
~~~
He wanted to laugh! Those fools thought he was after the fat Chinese girl! Despite those guys seemingly tailing him, it was just too easy! And then that ugly reject girl had the audacity to call him a #%$&! How dare she? He had had enough of this incognito Hunter bullshit!
“You’re the #%$&, &(#^$!” He aimed and fired twice to get even.
~~~
“You’re the #%$&, &(#^$!”
The first shot hit Otae, silencing her immediately and drawing all attention to her.
“ANEUE!” Shinpachi tried to clear the stuff off his sister and found himself glued to it. “What the?”
“I told you not to touch it!” Katsura yelled, coming over to Shinpachi’s side. Gintoki was the last to lower his defenses, his warrior instincts whispering that the dust hadn’t settled yet. If only he had listened to them.
This was just too easy for the Hunter. The second shot hit its target as well.
“WAH!” Kastura cried out the moment the cold hit him. An icy sensation swept over his entire body the moment something latched itself to his back. His body was quickly rendered powerless, numb with the cold and unable to fight back. His eyes widened as he was lifted off his feet and pulled away from the group, arms and legs flailing weakly.
“ZURA!” Gintoki turned and reached out to grab Katsura’s flailing hand. He was a second too late, and in the blink of an eye, he watched his friend disappear into the foliage.
Even though he followed as quickly as humanly possible, when he looked though the thick branches, there was nothing there and in the distance he could barely make out Katsura’s angry voice.
“It’s not pretty lady, it’s Katsura!”
The branch Gintoki was holding snapped in half.
It was time to get serious.
To be continued...
Author’s notes:
1) Hana Yori Dango’s literal meaning is Dumplings over Flowers but the intended meaning is Boys over Flowers.
2) Ataru Moroboshi is the lecherous and otherwise utterly useless protagonist of Lum: Urusei Yatsura.
3) Arale Norimaki is the heroine of Dr Slump. Her name is a pun on a type of rice cracker.
Thanks for reading!
Crossposted to ginzura and gintama
Beta by the very patient Pixelated Bloodbath.
No Pairings.
“People magazine has, once again, crowned Hollywood actress Julia Roberts the most beautiful person in the world. This is the fourth time that she has been chosen, thanks to her timeless beauty.”
He watched the TV report intently, muscles tense with excitement at the news. “You’re so beautiful, Julia…so wonderful…so lovely...,” he whispered intimately, a claw-like appendage running gently across Julia’s smiling face on the screen. “I know none can compare to you, but I must do this…I must find others. Maybe…maybe one of them will be good enough!”
“And in other news, Edo police continue the hunt for the individual responsible for kidnapping women in the city. The victims go missing, then are found after a period ranging from a few hours to a few days, usually close to where they were last seen, suffering from hypothermia but otherwise unharmed . None of the victims could identify their kidnapper and none could recall the method of kidnapping. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Edo police. As part of their strategy to protect the citizens of Edo and apprehend the criminal responsible, the police will deploy more officers to patrol the city, and are advising citizens not to be alarmed at the increased presence but to remain vigilant and keep female family members and friends in sight at all times and to accompany them whenever they are outside.”
He had long since stopped listening and was scanning a piece of paper neatly filled with diagrams and charts. Nodding to himself, he pocketed the document before jumping out the window and disappearing into the city below.
It was going to be another busy day.
~~~
A big shiny white smile alone doesn’t make you beautiful.
“Look, Gin-chan! Dango! Get me some dango!” Kagura pulled on Gintoki’s sleeve, excited and hungry as usual.
“Eh? If you want something get it yourself. Kids these days are pathetic; they want everything without earning it.” Gintoki retorted, trying to pull his sleeve away. “Go out there and earn your own dango and stop eating all the food in the house, couch potato girl!”
“If anyone here is a couch potato, it’s you, uh-huh!” Kagura yelled, heavily invested in the sleeve tug-of-war. “Don’t forget I’m the heroine of this show! A kawaii champion of justice with a bright future! And you’re a just lazy bum who doesn’t even pay me, uh-huh! I probably won’t ever get the money from this job, you slave driver…no, you pimp!”
“Kagura-chan!” Shinpachi screeched, mortified, as he looked around at the shocked and disgusted faces around him. “Don’t say stuff like that in public! Especially not when we’re working!”
With the Edo police dedicating all its resources to investigating and halting the kidnappings, the three were working guard duty at a local market. The police had been desperate to hire replacements for such minor jobs, and thus all three were able to secure work (with a little résumé tweaking, of course). As to how long they would keep this job though, that would be another story.
“Why not? It’s the truth!” Kagura responded, dismissing Shinpachi with a wave of her hand. “When was the last time we got paid? He just takes all the money we earn and blows it all at pachinko, like a bona fide pimp, uh-huh! A loser like you might be ok with that, but not me! I have bigger dreams and I won’t let him stand in my way!”
“If you mean your pathetic dreams of eating rice with soy sauce, maybe they’ll come true when you stop eating me out of house and home!” Gintoki argued. “You think your food pays for itself, huh? Between a human vacuum cleaner like you and a gigantic pooping machine like your pet from Hell, I barely have anything left to feed myself! You can’t have your cake and eat it too, idiot!”
“Ha! As if you would ever buy me cake!”
The two continued to quarrel, ignoring Shinpachi who was desperately trying to pacify the escalating situation. “Guys! We’re on guard duty here! If anyone reports us to the officer in charge, they’ll fire us and no one will get paid!”
“SHUT UP, FOUR EYES!” the two replied in unison, before returning to their argument.
“That was uncalled for!” Shinapchi screeched again, fixing his glasses unconsciously. “Do you think I like wearing glasses? God made me this way and I am more beautiful for it, you bastards!”
At this point, guard duty was completely forgotten and the three bickered and fought, while the market patrons kept a safe distance away.
“Quarreling with children about trivial matters instead of taking your job seriously. Gintoki, you have once again failed at setting an example to the future of Edo.” Katsura’s critique was as sharp-edged as a sword.
“What are you doing here, Zura? And who let you out in public?”
“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura. With the idiotic Shinsengumi and useless police factions busy with the kidnappings, I thought I would take a hassle-free walk with the rest of society.”
“What society are you referring to, Zura? No society would ever accept an out-of-touch reject like you. Go find a time machine and maybe you’ll find your niche.”
“Better than a pimp, uh-huh!” Kagura chimed, eager to get one last jab in.
“Pimp?” Katsura narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Gintoki, just when I thought you couldn’t fall any farther... I feel compelled to take Leader and Shinpachi-kun under my wing to protect them from your repulsive influences.”
“I want to go with Zura,” Kagura exclaimed, bouncing with happiness. “He has nmaibo and Eli. They’ll never take advantage of me like you, Gin-chan!”
“Shut up!” Gintoki became more annoyed with Katsura than he was with Kagura. “Don’t patronize me, you freak! There’s no bigger degenerate here than you! And you, go ahead and go with him, damned brat.” He turned to the girl. “You won’t last two minutes hanging around his obsolete mind, and don’t come crying to me when you regret it.”
“Looking after the needs of children is not obsolete, Gintoki. You have been tainted by this new world with your irresponsible indulges. Taking advantage of women and children is a disgrace to all Samurai-no, all mankind!”
“Yeah! Tell ’im Zura! Tell him he better buy me that cake or I won’t forgive him for taking advantage of me, uh-huh!”
“Who’s taking advantage of you, Kagura-chan?” Otae suddenly appeared with Kyuube in tow. She cracked her knuckles, promising pain despite her disarming smile. “Men who take advantage of little girls are scum~”
“No, Aneue!” Shinpachi jumped in, hoping to reason with his volatile and irrational sister. “It’s a misunderstanding! She’s just… trying out a new word, that’s all! Hehe...”
“Shinpachi-kun, figures that you would side with the oppressive male than with righteousness,” Kyuube observed monotonously, giving Gintoki a scathing look.
“What are you saying, Kyuube-dono? Don’t lump all men together with Gintoki! As someone concerned with the future of Edo I do not condone this intolerable abuse!” Katsura gestured grandly, his heart full of love for Edo and his Samurai beliefs.
“I’m glad we are all in agreement, Katsura-san” Otae smiled again, taking a step towards Gintoki, “Gin-san, I trusted that you would be a good example for my brother. HOW DARE YOU BETRAY MY TRUST?”
But Otae’s swung fist, aiming to maim and destroy, was stopped before flattening its intended target.
“HA! In your dreams, sister!” Sachan exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere like a good ninja should. “Like I would ever let you lay a hand on my Gin-san!”
“Oh, Sarutobi-san!” Otae blinked in surprise, then smiled evilly, pulled back and swung again, now towards a new target. “LIKE YOU HAVE A CHOICE!”
Sachan leapt gracefully away, unknowingly dropping her glasses along the way. “Gin-san! What is this I hear about you being a pimp? How could you!” She moved to hug her love. “After all we went through together!”
“What did we go through together, exactly?” Gintoki asked no one in particular, fending off a developing headache.
“Let go.” Kyuube grimaced, trying to escape the unwanted embrace.
I always knew you were ruthless, but not this!” The ninja continued, squeezing her victim with all her might. “Ohhh, I like it! I doooo~”
"You are a sick and deluded individual,” Kyuube said, finally breaking free. “You disgust me.”
"I’m glad we’re in agreement, Kyuu-chan.” Otae concurred happily and turned towards the blind Ninja. “I don’t know what self-respecting woman would encourage this type of lowly behavior.”
"HA!” Sachan laughed, finally finding her glasses and her opponent, tossing her hair arrogantly. “What would you know about being a woman, little girl?”
“WHY YOU!” Otae swung again, but Sachan jumped away, and the two battled it out all over the market grounds.
"Good riddance.” Gintoki sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I hope the two of them get arrested for disturbing the peace.”
“Uh, Gin-san? You realize that it would be our job to do that, right?” Shinpachi noted fearfully.
“Not likely, we’re not cops. We only have to report them.” Gintoki responded, watching the battle in the distance. “Besides, they’ll need the army to stop your sister.”
“I doubt it would do any good.” Katsura observed, also watching the battle. “They were useless against the Amanto. They would be equally useless here.”
"That’s true, but it’s not our problem anyway.” Gintoki turned to Katsura, looking the other in the eye so that there is no room for misunderstanding. “And why are you still here, Zura? After that long speech about intolerable behavior, weren’t you going to take her under you wing? Take her and go far away and never come back!”
"I never thought I’d see the day when you became the Ataru Moroboshi of Edo, useless and lecherous. Even Ryo Saeba had good qualities despite his shortcomings.” He sighed sadly, “I shall keep Leader in my care until you come to your senses. All the candy you’ve been eating has rotted your brain and soul, not just your hair.” Katsura chided, waving Gintoki away. “Come Leader, let’s get some soba.”
"I don’t want soba, I want dango!” Kagura rushed to Katsura’s side. “Zura, if you get me dango it’ll prove that you’re a champion of the hungry, uh-huh!”
"Too many sweets will rot your brain and you’ll end up like Gintoki.” Katsura replied, folding his hands into his sleeves and walking away with her. “Soba is the food of the Japanese spirit.”
“I’m not Japanese so just give me dango.” Kagura could be heard saying as the two walked off.
"Are you going to let her go, Gin-san?” Shinpachi turned to the other, overcome with a feeling of impending doom.
“Of course! In fact, I think I’m going to throw a party!” Gintoki laughed. “I’m finally rid of that bottomless pit of gluttony! And if I’m lucky, she’ll take Zura with her and I’ll be rid of the two biggest thorns in my side!”
“I don’t think Katsura-san is going to last very long with Kagura-chan.” Shinpachi fretted.
“Ah who cares, let him have a taste of what I put up with. And even better, now that Kagura is gone, we get her share of the pay!”
“You talk like I get to see a penny of what we make.” Shinpachi scoffed.
“So, she was telling the truth, then.” Kyuube mumbled.
“Oh! You’re still here, Kyuube-san? I thought you went with Aneue.”
“When Otae is fighting, I like to stay away. She tends to forget herself.” She blushed, embarrassed for criticizing her beloved.
“She ‘tends to destroy her surroundings indiscriminately’ is what you probably wanted to say.” Gintoki yawned, closing his eyes and falling silent. Kyuube could do nothing but glare.
Far away and engrossed in her battle, Otae was doing just that. The market grounds would never be the same.
~~~He watched the long haired person with the eye patch. He checked his list and chart, nodded, and mumbled under his breath. He had captured enough women to know one despite disguises.
She was strange. Not feminine at all and far too stiff, but that didn’t matter when she was such a good match.
He readied himself for the right moment and edged closer to the target. She was just too tense, but he was a hunter; he was accustomed to waiting.
~~~
“Ah~ I thought this would be an easy job.” Gintoki scratched his side, waking from his short nap. “Why did all the freaks have to show up?”
“Freaks?” Kyuube asked challengingly.
“Ah, never mind.” He replied flippantly, not wanting to waste any more energy on fighting and arguing.
“Hm. I thought so.”
Shinpachi began to sweat, dreading being caught in the middle of another battle. “Kyuube-san…” he began, hoping to clear the air. “Did you and my sister have plans today?”
Kyuube turned to him to answer.
~~~
There it was. She had finally turned away from him. He was sure those two would not be a hindrance, and so he aimed…
~~~
“What-“ Shinpachi couldn’t believe his eyes. Unexpectedly, Kyuube was pulled off the ground and pulled towards a tree by an unseen force. She disappeared into the foliage. She didn’t even have a chance to scream. Was this for real?
“KYUUBE-SAN!”
Gintoki wasted no time on yelling and quickly made his way up the tree but could find no one there. What the hell?
Leaping down to the ground, Gintoki quickly scanned his surroundings. There was no trace of the kidnapper or her.
“Gin-san! Do you think that was the same kidnapper the police are looking for?”
“I don’t know.” Gintoki turned to Shinpachi. The tension evaporated from his body and he replied casually, “But if that was the case then we shouldn’t be too worried since all of the women were found unharmed. It’s not like any man can touch her without getting castrated anyway. I’m not worried about her virtue.”
“Do you think the kidnapper would…?” Shinpachi couldn’t bring himself to complete the thought, and despite the likelihood that she would escape uninjured, he couldn’t help but worry. “Either way, it’s shocking that he managed to take Kyuube-san of all people. I’m going to find Aneue!”
Gintoki had nothing to say to that, and only after Shinpachi ran off did the frown make its way across his face.
He had a bad feeling about this.
~~~
"I told you before, and I’ll say it again!” Sachan yelled as she dodged a flurry of deadly blows. “You stay away from Gin-san, you hussy!”
“I don’t care about him, you blind fool!” Otae yelled back, “I would never want anything to do with that man! He is disgusting and lazy and you can keep him, you twit!”
“Then explain yourself! I saw you reaching for him, in broad daylight!”
“I was trying to beat some sense into him! Are you so deluded in your love for that reject that you can’t even understand what is going on around you?”
“Oh, I understand well enough!” Sachan leapt into one of the last trees still standing and retaliated with shuriken.
“No, I don’t think you do!” Otae shouted, evaded the shuriken and followed to the top of the tree. “No woman in her right mind would ever pursue him. That says a lot about you!”
“Our love is far too complex for a child like you to understand. After all, we are the main pairing of the show; the sexy hero and heroine and their &*#$@^% ^#@!*!”
“What the hell are you saying, &*^%$? I’m the heroine of the manga!”
The two women faced off for round two, and that was when Shinpachi made his entrance.
~~~
She was a good match too, the Hunter thought; she was too loud and violent and he hated those traits, but it wasn’t like he had to deal with her personality once he captured her. The other girl was all of that and ugly to boot; he hated that above all. No matter, he would put up with it for the sake of his creation. He had to wait for the right moment.
The waiting was getting very frustrating, though. And was that guy with glasses following him?
~~~
“Aneue!” Shinpachi yelled, interrupting the battle. “Kyuube-san’s been kidnapped!”
“WHAT?” Otae quickly dispatched the ninja’s attacks and was at her brother’s side, listening intently to the story.
Sachan curiously watched from the treetop, debating whether to join them. It was when she finally decided to make her way down that the Hunter acted.
He aimed and fired, but missed. DAMN!
The three immediately turned in his direction and he knew he had only one more try. It was going to be difficult, and he hardly ever physically intervened for a catch…but that ugly girl was in his way!
He had tried to be a patient hunter, but… Ah, screw it. “Out of my way, ugly!”
~~~
Something had moved; they felt a cold wind sweep and saw a mass of bluish-white stuff hanging off the tree top where Sachan was just standing. Looking back in the direction it seemed to have come from; Otae was abruptly pushed to the side by an invisible force that shouted. “Out of my way, ugly!”
Her eyes widened with astonishment, Shinapchi’s with fearful anticipation, and Sachan’s with shock as she was propelled helplessly toward an unknown source.
“SACHAN SAN!”
Otae was quicker on her feet than even Gintoki (probably due to the fact that she’d been insulted). She dove in the direction Sachan had disappeared and put a hole in the innocent tree.
There was no one there, but it didn’t matter. They wouldn’t be long for this world when she found them.
~~~
“…And it was then that we were certain that despite conquering our country, they would never conquer our hearts or spirits. We stripped ourselves of all luxury, put everything behind us, and headed off towards the glorious horizon.”
Katsura put down his bowl of Soba noodles and got to his feet, excited by the thought of having a protégé.
“Zura, I don’t care about the glorious horizon or anything that doesn’t involve more dango,” Kagura mumbled around her mouthful. “Get me more glorious dango and I’ll think about it, uh- huh.”
“Ha ha ha, Leader!” Katsura laughed boisterously. “You have that keen American humor. You really watch too much TV. Now that you are staying with me, you shall put aside all of that drivel and dedicate your heart and soul to the ways of the warrior. Your reward shall be the occasional Korean drama; I hear Boys over Flowers is all the rage these days.”
“Zura, I’ll take dango over flowers anytime so don’t try to trick me. I only came with you because you promised to feed me, so don’t go getting any crazy ideas.”
"Why, what do you mean, Leader?” He gasped dramatically. ”You mean to say that you plan on persisting in those lazy habits Gintoki taught you? How can I take you with me if you don’t swear an oath to the Joui and their secrets? Why won’t you be like Arale Norimaki?”
“Zura, it’ll take more than rice crackers to tempt me! Try a little harder.” Kagura licked her plate clean and began cleaning her teeth with the wooden skewer. “Your way of life sounds boring and tiresome. I only came for the food, uh-huh.”
Katsura gave her a betrayed look. “I had such hopes for you, but it seems like Gintoki’s influence on you is too powerful.”
“I think your delusions are what’s powerful, uh-huh.”
“It breaks my heart that you care not for the future of this country.”
“I only care about the future of what goes in my belly.”
~~~
Shinpachi didn’t know what else to do but to find Gintoki. Although lazy and mostly undependable, Gintoki always knew what to do…sometimes. Well, it’s not like Shinpachi had a huge array of choices at the moment. His mind reeled with the memories of the two kidnappings he had witnessed. Kyuube-san and Sachan San are two of the strongest women I’ve ever met. How could they be captured so easily? How could the kidnapper remain undetected like that?
What was happening, and who would be the next target? He looked around him, seeing countless women and endless targets. It was impossible to defend them all, especially with the kidnapper’s devious and unorthodox methods. He had to protect the women of Edo and the most important person to him of all…Well, it certainly wouldn’t be his sister since the kidnapper made that quite clear. That was one less thing to worry about.
“GIN-SAN! HE GOT SACHAN SAN TOO!”
~~~
That last capture was a close one; the ugly girl had nearly flattened him with her fist. He was trying to still his rapidly beating heart and focus on the next task.
After scouring the market ground for more matches, he had come across a man and a young girl eating at the edge of the market grounds. The girl was not a match by any means, stuffing her round face full of dango like a glutton. He hated unbecoming behavior like that.
Her companion, on the other hand, was a perfect match. He normally ignored the presence of any male, but he couldn’t ignore this one, for it was too loud and endlessly and grandly gesturing to the other. Despite not being of his favored gender, his delicate features fit the bill. The Hunter hesitated, having never captured a man before. Would he even be capable of doing so?
Yet, how could he not have this specimen? He thought of beautiful Julia and quickly made up his mind.
~~~
“The youth of today are truly selfish.” Katsura lamented while Kagura polished off his forgotten soba.
“Watch what you say, kids nowadays are not just selfish but smart and resourceful too. I’m on to your tricks, Zura! I won’t let you sweet talk me with just dango. Give me a burger and then we’ll talk, uh-huh.”
“A burger? Even your dietary choices leave much to be desired. If you were to choose foreign food you should choose an establishment with a respectable head of staff. How about that dignified Colonel and his fried chicken instead of that
overly zealous clown?” In truth, the clown’s boisterous laugh simply reminded Katsura too much of someone.
“Zura, give me your wallet and you won’t have to deal with Ronald.”
Katsura sighed, feeling the helplessness of the situation.
~~~
Although unsure of his weaponry’s effects on a male, the Hunter knew he would have to do something about that gluttonous girl first. He readied himself, fighting off the uncertainty of the outcome and fired.
~~~
“Did you see anything?” Gintoki asked solemnly.
“No!” Shinpachi panted, trying to catch his breath. “It was just like Kyuube-san…except…”
“We felt a very cold wind blow right by us before she was captured and saw a mass of something white shoot out from where she was standing,” Otae interjected. “If this person managed to capture Kyu-chan and Sarutobi-san, then the entire female population is at risk just like they said on the news! We have to do something, Gin-san!”
Gintoki nodded in agreement, then paused. “Say, then how come you’re still here?”
Otae’s frightened expression disintegrated into rage, and Gintoki wished he too had disintegrated when she was done with him.
“We should find Kagura-chan!” Otae exclaimed, dusting off her hands and suddenly feeling much better. “Even she could be the next victim!”
“That’s right, Aneue,” Shinpachi agreed. “Just let me untangle Gin-san first.”
~~~
Katsura pondered a rebuttal to Leader’s clever arguments, but could not come to one that would sway her opinion. Could she be only using him? No, she was far too young and innocent, despite her leadership qualities. He turned to confront her and found himself unconsciously moving away from the projectile that was fired from one of the nearby trees. Turning to Kagura, he was surprised to find her covered in thick slimy mucus.
He reached out to clean the stuff off of her, but it was sticky. He guessed that he’d needed water to clean it. First, though, he had to deal with the villain responsible for this perverted act!
“AHA! I knew it would work!”
Startled, Katsura turned towards the voice and found no one.
“You can’t escape me now, my lovely!”
He focused on the source of the voice, and could see what seemed to be a translucent mass, which would be invisible to the average person. Luckily, Katsura was not an average person. “Show yourself, fiend! Your camouflage tactics can’t fool me!”
The Hunter smiled in return; he liked challenges. He jumped into the trees and waited for the right opportunity.
~~~
The three searched the market grounds, and would have split up since none of them were potential victims, but Otae insisted very vocally and aggressively, that she could still be one and thus should not be left alone.
They each got a black eye just for thinking it, though.
When they made it to the edge of the market grounds, Gintoki noticed the soba stall and immediately hurried to it. What he found was a mass of mucus on a wooden seat, and Katsura in a battle stance.
“Zura! Where is Kagura?”
“She’s in here!” Katsura replied, motioning to the mucus mass with a nod of his head. “But don’t touch it, and don’t let your guard down! He’s camouflaged!”
Camouflage! Gintoki finally understood how no one had seen the kidnapper yet; he was both fast and adept at hiding himself. But why was Kagura still here? Why didn’t he just take her like the others? No matter. He, Shinpachi, and Otae surrounded Kagura and there was no way he could evade them all.
"Keep your eyes peeled for anything and everything that moves!” Gintoki said, searching his surroundings, “He can’t get past us all!”
"Don’t worry, Kagura-chan!’ Otae said, “We’ll protect you from this #%$&!”
~~~
He wanted to laugh! Those fools thought he was after the fat Chinese girl! Despite those guys seemingly tailing him, it was just too easy! And then that ugly reject girl had the audacity to call him a #%$&! How dare she? He had had enough of this incognito Hunter bullshit!
“You’re the #%$&, &(#^$!” He aimed and fired twice to get even.
~~~
“You’re the #%$&, &(#^$!”
The first shot hit Otae, silencing her immediately and drawing all attention to her.
“ANEUE!” Shinpachi tried to clear the stuff off his sister and found himself glued to it. “What the?”
“I told you not to touch it!” Katsura yelled, coming over to Shinpachi’s side. Gintoki was the last to lower his defenses, his warrior instincts whispering that the dust hadn’t settled yet. If only he had listened to them.
This was just too easy for the Hunter. The second shot hit its target as well.
“WAH!” Kastura cried out the moment the cold hit him. An icy sensation swept over his entire body the moment something latched itself to his back. His body was quickly rendered powerless, numb with the cold and unable to fight back. His eyes widened as he was lifted off his feet and pulled away from the group, arms and legs flailing weakly.
“ZURA!” Gintoki turned and reached out to grab Katsura’s flailing hand. He was a second too late, and in the blink of an eye, he watched his friend disappear into the foliage.
Even though he followed as quickly as humanly possible, when he looked though the thick branches, there was nothing there and in the distance he could barely make out Katsura’s angry voice.
“It’s not pretty lady, it’s Katsura!”
The branch Gintoki was holding snapped in half.
It was time to get serious.
To be continued...
Author’s notes:
1) Hana Yori Dango’s literal meaning is Dumplings over Flowers but the intended meaning is Boys over Flowers.
2) Ataru Moroboshi is the lecherous and otherwise utterly useless protagonist of Lum: Urusei Yatsura.
3) Arale Norimaki is the heroine of Dr Slump. Her name is a pun on a type of rice cracker.
Thanks for reading!
Crossposted to ginzura and gintama