The Noir Memoirs, Generation 2.3
Last week on the Noir Memoirs there… was not update, because I kind of forgot to post one. XD The sun is finally shining from almost clear blue skies and the temperature is climbing up to comfortable numbers, and all this does strange things to a person’s head when they’ve barely seen the sun for six months. Like wanting to go outside and frolic in the forest and whatnots. It’s slightly alarming, but it’ll pass soon. I hope.
Anyway, two weeks ago, Jeremy got it on with iliketoplaygod’s Thomas Jeung - not to be confused with his twin brother, also named Thomas. Laurie (dothesmustle) was promoted to Criminal Mastermind, and became the main character of a truly epically random new novel of Ellie’s.
Now, it practically doesn’t count if you start on top, does it? So we’re going to start at rock bottom instead, with Ellie getting demoted.
Yes, this would be the very job in which her LTW lies. Additionally it is the same job that her wife is currently holding. Life is kind of tough for Ellie, so I’m going to let this one slide.
How very observant of you, Random Townie Chick, that is indeed a crazy person. I have boolprop, and I can do the same to you if you don’t get off my lawn this instant. Just saying.
Doctor Analrapist Therapist descending from the skies. You just keep walking back there, Random Townie Chick. There is absolutely nothing to see here.
Therapist: ”No need to vorry, my child. Everyzing vill be okay, ja?”
Therapist: ”Keep your chin up and let doctor Analrapist Therapist vork his magic.”
Ellie: ”RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!”
Ellie: ”Why thank you, doctor. That made me feel much better.”
Therapist: “I hav no idea vhat you just said, I zink I’ve gone deaf. I’ll send you the bill, ja?”
Jeremy: “So… I bet she’ll be back to being crazy in a few days. Game?”
Ellie: ”Wooo, go team!”
Hannah: “Uh, mom? You don’t even like football.”
Ellie: “What do you mean? I love… balls.”
Hannah: ”Oh, come the fuck on! That was a foul! Are you blind or something, you fucking twatmuffin!?”
Ellie: “I’ll… uh, I think I’ll just go write something instead. Yeah.”
Elizabeth and Laurie could’ve been just like any other couple. A bit heavy on the leather outfit, but on the surface they looked fairly normal.
”I’m running incredibly late now,” Laurie whispered while she planted her last few kisses on Elizabeth’s lips.
”I wish you didn’t have to go,” Elizabeth murmured back.
“As do I, my love.”
Laurie’s job was never far away. The main thing that separated the two of them from other couples: Laurie’s job was being He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s absolutely deadliest assassin. His go-to-girl in every tight situation.
”Okay, now I really must run. I will see you later tonight.”
”What if you didn’t have to?” An idea had suddenly struck Elizabeth. “Can’t you call in sick for just one night? Stay with me here in bed instead.”
“Death does not take a sick day, Ellie,” Laurie replied with a dark sigh, already on her way out of their bed.
”Please? Just one night? For me?”
“I can’t.”
As Laurie turned to leave Elizabeth got out of bed as well. She would have none of that.
“You don’t have to do anything! If you really loved me you would quit this dreadful life and move with me to a quiet little place somewhere! It could be just you and me forever. No What’s-His-Face to ruin everything! Don’t you love me?”
“Maybe I don’t,” Laurie snarled.
”I do whatever the fuck I please, and I happen to love this job. You’re just a soft body in a warm bed. It’s been convenient, but I guess all things must come to an end. Goodbye, Elizabeth.”
She ignored Elizabeth’s protests and tears as she went out to do whatever the fuck it was she was doing out there. It was not like Elizabeth would ever find it out, being the mediocre good-for-nothing criminal she was. She couldn’t even rob a bank, and--
Laurie: “Honey?”
Ellie: “WHAT!?!?”
Laurie: “Uh, I’m sorry for interrupting your flow, but the headmaster is coming over for dinner.”
Ellie: “Oh.”
Laurie: ”Okay guys, I can see him! Everyone just pretend to be normal, okay?”
Ellie: ”Hello there, kind sir. Welcome to our humble abode. My name is Elizabeth and I’m currently, um, between jobs. Yeah. Taking time to be there for the children, you know.”
This is the first time I’ve seen her do this animation. Laying it on thick for the headmaster, I see. XD
Why do I always manage to time the headmaster’s visits with someone’s birthday? Seriously, I must have some magic skills or something, because I can’t remember a single time I didn’t have a birthday. Or a death. Hm.
Hannah is all growed up, and it looks like she’s enjoying her new look. ^^
HANNAH NOIR
Romance. Have 20 simultaneous loves.
8/3/10/8/3
Now that’s… that. Let’s get back to the headmaster who seems to be enjoying his dinner. Maybe.
Yeah…
What!? I haven’t failed a headmaster visit since 2006, goddamnit! Oh, the shame. D:
Right, so that’s two breakdowns in one update. Heh. If I hurry up, maybe I can fit in another one? :D
Therapist: ”Seriously? I vas just here.”
Yeah, maybe you should just take up permanent residence in the Noir house.
Laurie: “I is healed! :D”
Laurie: “Now to deal with my other problems. All that analrapy put a huge dent in my pockets!”
It looks like you’ve got bigger problems than that. Your daughter’s head appears to have dislocated. o_O
Laurie: *has been standing outside begging all night long* “Oh God, there goes the fruit of my loins to the public school. The shame!”
Laurie: ”Hey kids? Any of you have some change for a poor old woman? Anyone? I’ll perform sexual favors for--”
Hannah: “Drive. Just drive. Right the fuck now!”
It seems some people were ready to pick up on Laurie’s offer. Here’s stakeit_uk’s May founder, Randall.
Randall: “Now, where is that divine creature who was here this morning?”
Thomas: ”Yeah, so my mom’s an assassin or something. My other mother was going on about Voldemort or something. I don’t really know what to make of it…”
_simplyrandom's Penny Lane: “Reallllly? That’s interesting. Very interesting.”
Meanwhile, Hannah is attempting to put her moves on Danny Zuko Randall, but is met with some resistance.
What a shame, really. Just look at this catch!
Alas, his mind was far away from our young heroine.
Okay, who is this, you may ask? Well, this young fellow is none other than Benjamin, Jeremy’s fabulous slowdancing parter . He’s filled out a bit since we last saw him.
Ben and Jerry are certainly up to no good.
Also, sneaking out in a limo? Really? I get that the kids all drive the car from their parent’s carpool, which in itself is fishy as it is, because that’s not the family car so where the hell did the kids find them? But a limo is not exactly the most discreet means of transportation, and isn’t exactly that suitable for unlawful behavior. But whatever floats their boat…
Why the sad face, Jeremy? Didn’t you have fun in the limo?
I told you so.
Oh, no, that was the face of regret. Maybe you should’ve thought of your boyfriend before you snuck out with another man. Silly boy.
Now I just feel a little bit guilty for making you do it, but you did roll the want, after all.
We haven’t seen much of Alexandra in this update, and my guess is because she’s busy being harassed by the scariest hobby NPC I’ve ever seen. Honestly, what the hell IS that?? D:
Oh, well, there she is. She is just a little bit ignored by everyone, including my screenshoting abilities. It’s not my fault that Laurie is too busy looking at funny YouTube videos, if anything we should blame Hannah for introducing her to Nuttymadam.
The main reason for that distraction, though, was for little Romance sim Hannah to spend some of Laurie’s hard earned money on cheap dates, without getting caught. Such a cunning mind for such a small person.
Oooh, what did we get, what did we get, what did we get?? :D
mei_asakura’s July founder entry Santhor, looking like he just stepped out from an underwear commercial! Well, a clothed underwear commercial. Which would… make no sense. Uh. He’s purty? :D
They have a very, uh, creative date, to say the least.
I’M IN UR BUSHES, STEALIN UR VIRTUES~
Yes, I’m incredibly lame. What of it? XD
Hannah: “Oh my God! My eyes! I’m blind!!”
Gee, I wonder why.
I’d also give off confused messages if I had that date. Are you sure you are a Romance sim, Hannah? You’ve not been very good at it, so far.
Shit! Shit, shit, shit and double shit. Nanny Fairchild is on the loose again. I guess we shouldn’t have put all of our fortunes on the bush date.
Nanny Fairchild: “Flowers? For me? Oh, you really didn’t have to. I’m going to steal all the kids’ stuff anyway, you know that right?”
Jeremy: “Whaaat?”
Apparently they survived the night, because this is the next day. Hannah brought haughtysims’s May founder Peter home from school, and they actually seem to be getting along.
Also, that is the failure that is my decoration skills. I finally get Apartment Life and the ability to have ceilings, and don’t you think I forget to put the blasted things in a single one of my houses?
Hannah: ”You’re beautiful!”
Peter: ”Why thank you, so am I. I mean, you. You’re beautiful. Almost as beautiful as I am.”
Mission First Kiss: Complete!
I guess the third time really is the charm.
First comes love,
then comes marriage,
then comes the baby in the golden carriage!
Nanny Fairchild: ”My, my. I’m shocked and appalled by this debauchery!”
Laurie: “Excuse you? That’s my daughter, bitch.”
Nanny Fairchild: ”Well, m’am, your daughter’s a ho.”
Laurie: ”Damn straight, she is! D:<”
Nanny Fairchild: ”HDU raise your children like that? Imma slap a slut!”
O_______________o
Laurie has eight (8) Body skills. Yet she lost to the crusty old lady that is Nanny Fairchild. I, uh… *backs away slowly*
Watching a sexy lady smackdown = Dream Date, according to Peter. Interesting. You know he’ll be back for more.