(no subject)
It's been so long since I've used lj, but right now I need it.
I realize that I am the worst person to cope with stress. With me, stress literally manifests itself physically. There are the many sleepless nights, and just as bad are the nights where sleep feels like work, and you feel worse waking up than the falling asleep. I have been averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, and most often I fall asleep with the rising sun. My mind doesn't stop turning. I thought I knew stress in highschool--boy, was I wrong. It just seems like anything that can go wrong does. I'm not talking about just schoolwork either. That's the easy part. I don't want sympathy, but I can't talk about this shit with anyone so I am resorting to writing about it. I found out that my dad is beyond medical help, and the doctors are going to just keep increasing his painkillers until he dies. He is the only person that has ever truly cared about me selflessly and without finding reasons to hate me. I need him. My parents are losing the house. My younger brother talks about doing stupid shit, and I know he doesn't cope well with stress either. He is much worse than me, actually. My other siblings, well, they are who they are and that means they are unmotivated or major drug addicts, or both. My mom also says she will do some stupid shit when my dad goes too. My uncle who was helping me out with tuition and books and other assorted things just told my mom that I am cut off. This means I have to find a way this week to pay a 3200 dollar tuition bill, and I have 12 dollars in my savings account. On top of that I am taking an extra course and trying to handle responsibilities in the student activist union. I know there has to be something good going on or something good will happen, but it just doesn't appear to be a distinct possibility in the near future. I know, I am lucky to attend a private college in the United States and I have my white priviledge and blah blah blah, but it doesn't comfort me. I wish there were an escape from life and from the mind and from the body. I am so sick right now because of the stress... I even had a nosebleed because of it and I never get nosebleeds. I mean never. But oh well, they say youre never given more than you can handle. I think I might end up disproving that.
I realize that I am the worst person to cope with stress. With me, stress literally manifests itself physically. There are the many sleepless nights, and just as bad are the nights where sleep feels like work, and you feel worse waking up than the falling asleep. I have been averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, and most often I fall asleep with the rising sun. My mind doesn't stop turning. I thought I knew stress in highschool--boy, was I wrong. It just seems like anything that can go wrong does. I'm not talking about just schoolwork either. That's the easy part. I don't want sympathy, but I can't talk about this shit with anyone so I am resorting to writing about it. I found out that my dad is beyond medical help, and the doctors are going to just keep increasing his painkillers until he dies. He is the only person that has ever truly cared about me selflessly and without finding reasons to hate me. I need him. My parents are losing the house. My younger brother talks about doing stupid shit, and I know he doesn't cope well with stress either. He is much worse than me, actually. My other siblings, well, they are who they are and that means they are unmotivated or major drug addicts, or both. My mom also says she will do some stupid shit when my dad goes too. My uncle who was helping me out with tuition and books and other assorted things just told my mom that I am cut off. This means I have to find a way this week to pay a 3200 dollar tuition bill, and I have 12 dollars in my savings account. On top of that I am taking an extra course and trying to handle responsibilities in the student activist union. I know there has to be something good going on or something good will happen, but it just doesn't appear to be a distinct possibility in the near future. I know, I am lucky to attend a private college in the United States and I have my white priviledge and blah blah blah, but it doesn't comfort me. I wish there were an escape from life and from the mind and from the body. I am so sick right now because of the stress... I even had a nosebleed because of it and I never get nosebleeds. I mean never. But oh well, they say youre never given more than you can handle. I think I might end up disproving that.