"...my feelings about my relationship status change each day...like a fish market."
i hate my mom. i hate her with all i know how. i don't want to see her every morning. i don't want to touch her anymore. i can't look at her anymore without throwing up in my mouth just a little. i hate her because she hates me...so much.
i hate her, she embarrasses me...she just came downstairs and it ties my stomach up in knots...i can't eat, i can't sleep, it hurts. It hurts me so much i don't know what to do.
I'm so used to figuring things out on my own and understanding but i can't i just can't do it anymore.
Instead of sleeping i can't stop thinking. i take plenty of fucking pills where i shouldn't have to but i can't i think about things like what i would do, how i would get the money to pay for school and doctors by myself so i would have absolutely no ties to her and so i would not have to listen to her say how much she fucking does for me. i think about what i would do if something happened to my daddy, it's eating me up, sleeping in this house is eating me up...that is not to say however that i can eat.
Furthermore, since i've been away from school and all of that...i hoped that it would put some distance between Boston situations. It hasn't really, not enough for me. and i know that i sound probably like a big fucking baby but i don't care, i'm going to say what i fucking want. I've never known myself to be called a slut and accept it, that was surprising. Who knows maybe i'm just saying this because i'm mad because he uninvited me to his party and it made me really really mad because i live at home right now because i just had my knees replaced, i'm not coming to your fucking party on fucking mission hill, but you felt you needed to get your point across. maybe it's because i know that you don't read livejournal...maybe that's it. i used to have a friend who would listen to me and i could hear his voice on the phone and sometimes i need a friend and i think of him and what happened and how much he must hate me now and i feel stupid, stupid that i let myself get treated like so much shit, let me feel like such shit and like such a small and powerless person. i don't need that energy in my life but i feel like that's all i can attract.
i thought that things would be better by now, i thought that they would be different. i thought that i would be happy and that i would feel safe and confident. i thought that in my 22nd year i would be in love, or at least have a boyfriend. i thought that i would have a dog.
i that now...now, this time things would be different that i would be able to bend my knees and do things, now all these things i could never do i'd be able to do them...just like that. or at least bend my knees and give head if i wanted to.
Sometimes i used to think that if i didn't have red hair i could do those things. Sometimes i thought that if i was skinny i could do those things.
Sometimes i think that i made a mistake with these astronaut knees. I'm 22 years old i shouldnt be getting replacements and im just going to fuck it up. i thought i was going to be totally better, i knew that i couldn't be. i have shitty legs that don't work but i thought that it wasn't who i was, but it is that's who i am and theyre not going to be like the ones ive seen theyre going to fuck up and be shitty and im probably gonna have to get them maniped next month and im going to have to get them replaced again.
Cursing, tenses, selfishness, cry, hate, fear, and loathing.
i hate her, she embarrasses me...she just came downstairs and it ties my stomach up in knots...i can't eat, i can't sleep, it hurts. It hurts me so much i don't know what to do.
I'm so used to figuring things out on my own and understanding but i can't i just can't do it anymore.
Instead of sleeping i can't stop thinking. i take plenty of fucking pills where i shouldn't have to but i can't i think about things like what i would do, how i would get the money to pay for school and doctors by myself so i would have absolutely no ties to her and so i would not have to listen to her say how much she fucking does for me. i think about what i would do if something happened to my daddy, it's eating me up, sleeping in this house is eating me up...that is not to say however that i can eat.
Furthermore, since i've been away from school and all of that...i hoped that it would put some distance between Boston situations. It hasn't really, not enough for me. and i know that i sound probably like a big fucking baby but i don't care, i'm going to say what i fucking want. I've never known myself to be called a slut and accept it, that was surprising. Who knows maybe i'm just saying this because i'm mad because he uninvited me to his party and it made me really really mad because i live at home right now because i just had my knees replaced, i'm not coming to your fucking party on fucking mission hill, but you felt you needed to get your point across. maybe it's because i know that you don't read livejournal...maybe that's it. i used to have a friend who would listen to me and i could hear his voice on the phone and sometimes i need a friend and i think of him and what happened and how much he must hate me now and i feel stupid, stupid that i let myself get treated like so much shit, let me feel like such shit and like such a small and powerless person. i don't need that energy in my life but i feel like that's all i can attract.
i thought that things would be better by now, i thought that they would be different. i thought that i would be happy and that i would feel safe and confident. i thought that in my 22nd year i would be in love, or at least have a boyfriend. i thought that i would have a dog.
i that now...now, this time things would be different that i would be able to bend my knees and do things, now all these things i could never do i'd be able to do them...just like that. or at least bend my knees and give head if i wanted to.
Sometimes i used to think that if i didn't have red hair i could do those things. Sometimes i thought that if i was skinny i could do those things.
Sometimes i think that i made a mistake with these astronaut knees. I'm 22 years old i shouldnt be getting replacements and im just going to fuck it up. i thought i was going to be totally better, i knew that i couldn't be. i have shitty legs that don't work but i thought that it wasn't who i was, but it is that's who i am and theyre not going to be like the ones ive seen theyre going to fuck up and be shitty and im probably gonna have to get them maniped next month and im going to have to get them replaced again.
Cursing, tenses, selfishness, cry, hate, fear, and loathing.