Simple solutions just aren't that simple
It is officially summer, and vacation season is upon us. Want to know what this means for me? Fight after fight with the ex.
Last weekend I told him I would be keeping them this coming Saturday because they are invited to my friend's birthday party. Commence bitching on his part that the weekend is HIS time. I ask when I can have a weekend to spend time with them and do family things since I, too, work all week. His response, and I quote: "Never." So, it is perfectly ok for him to decide when he isn't taking them, but not ok for me to decide to keep them. And to compound this issue, it turns out he is going to a grad party that day for his girlfriend's younger siblings. Not a big deal, but then he tells me not to bring them over or call too early on Sunday because he'll probably be hungover. And you were going to take the kids with you? Not that I care what he does with his own life, but what he does with the lives of my children in his hands is absolutely my business.
Fast forward to the next day (Sunday). He calls and I'm at my mom's. He actually agrees to bring them out without argument. When he gets there, I tell him that mom invited us to go to Atlantic City for the day on the fourth of July. Which is a Sunday, and according to him, HIS time. I tell him that I made the decision to bring the children with me without consulting him first since the plane doesn't land here until ten at night and he usually brings them back before seven. He doesn't really argue, just grumbles a bit about not having a choice in the matter. Then he goes on to list all the days so far I have made plans for on the weekends: June 26, July 4, July 23 and 24, and September 25 through October 3. He says maybe during that week in September he'll go on his own vacation. I ask, just out of curiosity, when he's going to take the kids on vacation. He looks at me and says (I shit you not) "I don't get a paid vacation like you do." Does anyone else see the problem here? The way I see it, he can take an unpaid week off from his job to spend time with his girlfriend, but not for his children. I just don't get it.
And to elaborate on that September vacation, I haven't even booked it yet. Why? You might ask, since it's only three months away at this point. I have no passports for the kids. I told him I needed him to come with me to the post office to sign for them since we have joint legal custody. He refuses, saying he isn't leaving work early for that. I tell him in that case, they will accept notarized letters from him giving me permission to obtain the passports. He brings me one with both kids' names on it. I have told him again and again that I need two. Two applications, two children, two passports, TWO LETTERS. This was in December. Last night I sent him a text message to let him know that I would write out the letters I need so he can get them signed and notarized and that I can't wait an longer. He cops this attitude, writing back that he gave me the letter and can't afford to take the time off work to do this, but if I get them to him he'll see what he can do. How frustrating! I've been telling him for months that I need one letter for each child for the passports and one letter for each child giving me permission to take them out of the country on those specific dates. He's just being difficult.
So here is what it comes down to. I CANNOT make plans with my own children on the weekend. I CANNOT make plans for myself that would make it so I'm not available at a moment's notice when he decides to return them. If I cannot obtain whatever documentation I need for them without his help, I won't be getting it. And furthermore, I should make Tony help support us or live within my own means and stop asking for child support from him.
Here is the part where those not so simple solutions come in. If he really wants to argue about whether or not I can keep my own children for a weekend to spend time with them, I can file to have parenting time set. We don't currently have a court ordered agreement, and I usually let him take them every Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening. But it's summer now, and time for family vacations. If I ask the court to set parenting time, he gets them every other weekend like most non-custodial parents and I can just plan our events accordingly. And on the passport issue, I can file for the court to order him to sign those applications. Since he is only refusing to be difficult, I can file documents with the court that will not only require him to take a day off for the hearing, they will also order him to cooperate and accompany me to the post office to sign the application before the people there. They close at four. The other route I could take here would be to file for full legal custody of them, meaning I don't have to have his permission for anything anymore. As appealing as that sounds, all of these so called solutions will only make things worse.
I am trying to maintain a civil relationship with him for the sake of our children. i don't want to put them through what we went through with our parents. Contrary to popular belief, your association with the other parent doesn't end when the child reaches the age of majority. There are still graduations and weddings and children being born, birthdays and holidays and other reasons why you both have to be there. I have to deal with him for the rest of my life and I'd like to make the experience as pleasant as possible. He just insists on making it so damn difficult sometimes!
Last weekend I told him I would be keeping them this coming Saturday because they are invited to my friend's birthday party. Commence bitching on his part that the weekend is HIS time. I ask when I can have a weekend to spend time with them and do family things since I, too, work all week. His response, and I quote: "Never." So, it is perfectly ok for him to decide when he isn't taking them, but not ok for me to decide to keep them. And to compound this issue, it turns out he is going to a grad party that day for his girlfriend's younger siblings. Not a big deal, but then he tells me not to bring them over or call too early on Sunday because he'll probably be hungover. And you were going to take the kids with you? Not that I care what he does with his own life, but what he does with the lives of my children in his hands is absolutely my business.
Fast forward to the next day (Sunday). He calls and I'm at my mom's. He actually agrees to bring them out without argument. When he gets there, I tell him that mom invited us to go to Atlantic City for the day on the fourth of July. Which is a Sunday, and according to him, HIS time. I tell him that I made the decision to bring the children with me without consulting him first since the plane doesn't land here until ten at night and he usually brings them back before seven. He doesn't really argue, just grumbles a bit about not having a choice in the matter. Then he goes on to list all the days so far I have made plans for on the weekends: June 26, July 4, July 23 and 24, and September 25 through October 3. He says maybe during that week in September he'll go on his own vacation. I ask, just out of curiosity, when he's going to take the kids on vacation. He looks at me and says (I shit you not) "I don't get a paid vacation like you do." Does anyone else see the problem here? The way I see it, he can take an unpaid week off from his job to spend time with his girlfriend, but not for his children. I just don't get it.
And to elaborate on that September vacation, I haven't even booked it yet. Why? You might ask, since it's only three months away at this point. I have no passports for the kids. I told him I needed him to come with me to the post office to sign for them since we have joint legal custody. He refuses, saying he isn't leaving work early for that. I tell him in that case, they will accept notarized letters from him giving me permission to obtain the passports. He brings me one with both kids' names on it. I have told him again and again that I need two. Two applications, two children, two passports, TWO LETTERS. This was in December. Last night I sent him a text message to let him know that I would write out the letters I need so he can get them signed and notarized and that I can't wait an longer. He cops this attitude, writing back that he gave me the letter and can't afford to take the time off work to do this, but if I get them to him he'll see what he can do. How frustrating! I've been telling him for months that I need one letter for each child for the passports and one letter for each child giving me permission to take them out of the country on those specific dates. He's just being difficult.
So here is what it comes down to. I CANNOT make plans with my own children on the weekend. I CANNOT make plans for myself that would make it so I'm not available at a moment's notice when he decides to return them. If I cannot obtain whatever documentation I need for them without his help, I won't be getting it. And furthermore, I should make Tony help support us or live within my own means and stop asking for child support from him.
Here is the part where those not so simple solutions come in. If he really wants to argue about whether or not I can keep my own children for a weekend to spend time with them, I can file to have parenting time set. We don't currently have a court ordered agreement, and I usually let him take them every Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening. But it's summer now, and time for family vacations. If I ask the court to set parenting time, he gets them every other weekend like most non-custodial parents and I can just plan our events accordingly. And on the passport issue, I can file for the court to order him to sign those applications. Since he is only refusing to be difficult, I can file documents with the court that will not only require him to take a day off for the hearing, they will also order him to cooperate and accompany me to the post office to sign the application before the people there. They close at four. The other route I could take here would be to file for full legal custody of them, meaning I don't have to have his permission for anything anymore. As appealing as that sounds, all of these so called solutions will only make things worse.
I am trying to maintain a civil relationship with him for the sake of our children. i don't want to put them through what we went through with our parents. Contrary to popular belief, your association with the other parent doesn't end when the child reaches the age of majority. There are still graduations and weddings and children being born, birthdays and holidays and other reasons why you both have to be there. I have to deal with him for the rest of my life and I'd like to make the experience as pleasant as possible. He just insists on making it so damn difficult sometimes!