6 years....
6 years ago today, I was awake after having spent a night on the couch with my sister. We woke up and she immediately went to work knitting, trying desperately to finish up a scarf for a bass player as I was taking her to her first Simple Plan show later that night. How ironic since SHE was a fan of theirs LONG before I was :P We were both excited though. I'd seen the band plenty by then, even met some of the members, so I was totally stoked about having her see the show and HOPEFULLY meet some of the guys too.
So as I sat on the couch, watching TV & debating whether or not to turn my computer online cuz I didn't wanna get caught up in the 'Net and waste time I NEEDED to get ready, John Cena's theme song began to play. I set that song as a specific ringtone for a friend of mine I knew back then. I answered the phone, happy she was calling cuz I always liked hearing from her. Had I somehow been psychic and known the reason she was calling, I would not have answered the phone.
But I did. And 2/3 simple words changed the entire course of the day.
"Eddie's dead."
As I dropped into one of the chairs by the window in the living room, I stupidly & almost automatically replied, "Eddie who?" I say "stupidly" because....there was only ever ONE Eddie in my life. And as she patiently expanded upon her statement, I felt my chest tighten and my breathing quicken and life irreversibly changed that day.
Time is supposed to heal all wounds. There's a belief that many subscribe to which says the loss of someone important to you "gets easier" as time passes. But 6 years later, and it still feels fresh as ever to me. I mean, it doesn't FEEL like 6 years at all! If you know me, you know how TERRIBLE my memory is, so the fact I remember this day in 2005 as crystal clearly as I do really says it all. With all the paranormal shows I watch, I sometimes liken my memory of this day to a "residual haunting." Cuz I REMEMBER waking up and sitting up on the couch. I REMEMBER what my sister was wearing and watching her hands and the black & white yarn and the needles she worked with. I REMEMBER how happy I was when I heard Cena's theme song and went to answer the phone. And I honestly remember the awful feeling in my chest and stomach when I found out Eddie was gone :( EVERY year on this date since 2005, I FEEL all those feelings and I SEE the events of that morning play out in my mind, like a residual haunting....everything happens all over again. And I'd be lying if I said it's "gotten easier."
There's a quote from Joss Whedon that I feel perfectly sums up what this day means to me, and the day that marks ANY loss I've experienced in my life:
"You know what? The pain never goes away. It never goes away and I try to explain this to people, I’m like, ‘It’s grief.’ And they’re like, ‘Well, you get over it,’ and I’m like, ‘No, you don’t!’ That’s the thing about grief: it’s NOT something you get over, it’s something you learn to live with. It’s like losing a limb; you don’t grow another one, you learn to tie your shoes with one hand. It’s different. THAT’S how I feel... Every day."
I miss Eddie. All the time. And in the tougher moments, I wonder why a man who meant SO MUCH to SO MANY, and who was one of the FEW to really TRIUMPH over his demons & struggles ... was taken from us, while someone like me who has NO impact on the world around me, is still here. Eddie was an inspiration and an entertainer and he was MY hero. He taught me what "raza" is truly capable of and he showed me that even in a world where it SEEMS like you're being put in a box your boss won't let you break out of, a man can EMBRACE those walls and work within them UNTIL he breaks them all down.
I had the privilege of meeting my hero and I thank the Universe EVERY DAY for that opportunity because I'm not sure how many people can say that. And for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I told someone how much they really meant to me. His reaction was more than I EVER could've hoped for. As someone who keeps mum on her real feelings around the people she cares most about because she fears rejection or being laughed at or the realization that she is WAY more invested in someone than they are in her ... it was a miracle that I poured my heart out to him that day. But I did.
"I just wanna say something," I announced. EDDY says sure, and just STANDS there and is LOOKING at me. Oh shit, I better NOT f*ck up now!
"My dad drove us...7 hours down here..." and EDDY can't help but say, "Oh my God!" in response, "...we've been here since 10:30 in the morning, we braved the heat, the sun, the rain just so we could be here to say Thank You for being an inspiration, Thank You for showing us what 'raza' is really capable of, and for us (I gestured to myself and Raf) and my brother who made this 'cause he couldn't be here today..." and I put the poor melted sign down on the table and unroll it. EDDY says something like, "Oh gosh, it's all wet" before I just ramble on, "...for all of us, you're our Hogan. So...and uh...we're just really proud of you and thank you for everything," I FINALLY finish up as I choke up.
EDDY looks at me right in my eyes as he says, "Thank you. Thank you...those words...MEAN a lot, they really do. Muchas gracias (thank you very much)." So then I ask if I can have a hug, and apologize for being all wet, but he doesn't seem to care one bit as he says, "Como no (of course)!" He comes around the tiny table, he wraps his arms around me, and this man that I love and adore and admire and respect and will for eternity...he HELD me. He didn't hug me like he HAD to, just patting me on the back and pulling away as quickly as possible. No. He hugged me and HELD me, and as he was holding me, he asked me my name. I told him, "Sonia."
"Sonia," he says to me, "Mucho gusto. Un placer. (Nice to meet you. It's a pleasure)." And I thanked him through threatening tears. It was...unforgettable and amazing and SO much more than I ever dreamt of.
Gracias por todo, Eddy. Nunca le olvidamos. Descanse en la paz.
Don't waste your time today. Go tell those you love JUST how much you love them. Smother them in hugs. ANNOY them with affection even :P Cuz you really NEVER KNOW...you just, never know ♥
*by hisescape @ graphical_mask
So as I sat on the couch, watching TV & debating whether or not to turn my computer online cuz I didn't wanna get caught up in the 'Net and waste time I NEEDED to get ready, John Cena's theme song began to play. I set that song as a specific ringtone for a friend of mine I knew back then. I answered the phone, happy she was calling cuz I always liked hearing from her. Had I somehow been psychic and known the reason she was calling, I would not have answered the phone.
But I did. And 2/3 simple words changed the entire course of the day.
"Eddie's dead."
As I dropped into one of the chairs by the window in the living room, I stupidly & almost automatically replied, "Eddie who?" I say "stupidly" because....there was only ever ONE Eddie in my life. And as she patiently expanded upon her statement, I felt my chest tighten and my breathing quicken and life irreversibly changed that day.
Time is supposed to heal all wounds. There's a belief that many subscribe to which says the loss of someone important to you "gets easier" as time passes. But 6 years later, and it still feels fresh as ever to me. I mean, it doesn't FEEL like 6 years at all! If you know me, you know how TERRIBLE my memory is, so the fact I remember this day in 2005 as crystal clearly as I do really says it all. With all the paranormal shows I watch, I sometimes liken my memory of this day to a "residual haunting." Cuz I REMEMBER waking up and sitting up on the couch. I REMEMBER what my sister was wearing and watching her hands and the black & white yarn and the needles she worked with. I REMEMBER how happy I was when I heard Cena's theme song and went to answer the phone. And I honestly remember the awful feeling in my chest and stomach when I found out Eddie was gone :( EVERY year on this date since 2005, I FEEL all those feelings and I SEE the events of that morning play out in my mind, like a residual haunting....everything happens all over again. And I'd be lying if I said it's "gotten easier."
There's a quote from Joss Whedon that I feel perfectly sums up what this day means to me, and the day that marks ANY loss I've experienced in my life:
"You know what? The pain never goes away. It never goes away and I try to explain this to people, I’m like, ‘It’s grief.’ And they’re like, ‘Well, you get over it,’ and I’m like, ‘No, you don’t!’ That’s the thing about grief: it’s NOT something you get over, it’s something you learn to live with. It’s like losing a limb; you don’t grow another one, you learn to tie your shoes with one hand. It’s different. THAT’S how I feel... Every day."
I miss Eddie. All the time. And in the tougher moments, I wonder why a man who meant SO MUCH to SO MANY, and who was one of the FEW to really TRIUMPH over his demons & struggles ... was taken from us, while someone like me who has NO impact on the world around me, is still here. Eddie was an inspiration and an entertainer and he was MY hero. He taught me what "raza" is truly capable of and he showed me that even in a world where it SEEMS like you're being put in a box your boss won't let you break out of, a man can EMBRACE those walls and work within them UNTIL he breaks them all down.
I had the privilege of meeting my hero and I thank the Universe EVERY DAY for that opportunity because I'm not sure how many people can say that. And for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I told someone how much they really meant to me. His reaction was more than I EVER could've hoped for. As someone who keeps mum on her real feelings around the people she cares most about because she fears rejection or being laughed at or the realization that she is WAY more invested in someone than they are in her ... it was a miracle that I poured my heart out to him that day. But I did.
"I just wanna say something," I announced. EDDY says sure, and just STANDS there and is LOOKING at me. Oh shit, I better NOT f*ck up now!
"My dad drove us...7 hours down here..." and EDDY can't help but say, "Oh my God!" in response, "...we've been here since 10:30 in the morning, we braved the heat, the sun, the rain just so we could be here to say Thank You for being an inspiration, Thank You for showing us what 'raza' is really capable of, and for us (I gestured to myself and Raf) and my brother who made this 'cause he couldn't be here today..." and I put the poor melted sign down on the table and unroll it. EDDY says something like, "Oh gosh, it's all wet" before I just ramble on, "...for all of us, you're our Hogan. So...and uh...we're just really proud of you and thank you for everything," I FINALLY finish up as I choke up.
EDDY looks at me right in my eyes as he says, "Thank you. Thank you...those words...MEAN a lot, they really do. Muchas gracias (thank you very much)." So then I ask if I can have a hug, and apologize for being all wet, but he doesn't seem to care one bit as he says, "Como no (of course)!" He comes around the tiny table, he wraps his arms around me, and this man that I love and adore and admire and respect and will for eternity...he HELD me. He didn't hug me like he HAD to, just patting me on the back and pulling away as quickly as possible. No. He hugged me and HELD me, and as he was holding me, he asked me my name. I told him, "Sonia."
"Sonia," he says to me, "Mucho gusto. Un placer. (Nice to meet you. It's a pleasure)." And I thanked him through threatening tears. It was...unforgettable and amazing and SO much more than I ever dreamt of.
Gracias por todo, Eddy. Nunca le olvidamos. Descanse en la paz.
Don't waste your time today. Go tell those you love JUST how much you love them. Smother them in hugs. ANNOY them with affection even :P Cuz you really NEVER KNOW...you just, never know ♥
*by hisescape @ graphical_mask