Is My mind playing tricks on me?
Well v-day so felt like the longest day of the year thus far.
But even still on a day that is suppose to be about love, romance and awesome relationships I couldn't help but to think about Tim today. Is it just completely weird that I really don't feel any ill feelings for him? I mean it's easy to talk about him and the crap he does but still really don't feel ill towards him. I was hoping tho that since it was V-day he would call to talk to Lil Mama...but sadly enough that didn't happen. I guess I will NEVER stop hoping that he'll really take time from his life and think about these beautiful children of ours & make complete time for them with NO interruptions from this woman or that woman. But only he can choose to make that decesion in the end. I just don't want the babies emotions toyed with like so many others have in the last year, including mine.
God, our first V-day as a couple I spent it alone without him b/c he was in Kuwait and now what is most likely the very last V-day as a "married couple" I spent it alone as well. Is this just ironic or what? Maybe him being gone so much early on in our relationship was the first sign of our marriage being where it is today.
I still can hear him telling me for days including the day I dropped him off @ the airport telling me, "We still have 6 months to really decide". Tho I know his word means very little these days I can't help to keep playing that in my head over and over again. I mean...how did he expect me to react to such a statement? I think I sooooooooo didn't react the way he thought I was going to the entire time he was "home" on leave...I even surprised myself some too. NO, I'M NOT HAVING 2ND THOUGHTS ABOUT MY DECESIONS b/c I'm sure it may sound that way but then I've had time without his input to process things that have gone on during our marriage and the last year of separation. But I more so have a curious notion if you will. I still have so many questions left unanswered by him about why he did "some"things in the last year if he sooooooooo really wanted our marriage to work like he'd been telling me off and on for the last year and even while he was here but I really thought it most important to lay it out there how i felt and have been feeling and for him to actually hear me without anger or disgust.
God do I soooooooooooo sound like the total sap I think I sound like right now?
Well I guess I will end this post with the lyrics to a Trisha Yearwood song that I can't help but to think of Tim when I hear it.
The Song Remembers When - Trisha Yearwood
I was standin' at the counter
I was waitin' for the change
When I heard that old familiar music start
It was like a lighted match
Had been tossed into my soul
It was like a dam had broken in my heart
After taking ev'ry detour
Gettin' lost and losin' track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back
After drivin' out the mem'ry
Of the way things might have been
After I'd forgotten all about us
The song remembers when
We were rolling through the Rockies
We were up above the clouds
When a station out of Jackson played that song
And it seemed to fit the moment
And the moment seemed to freeze
When we turned the music up and sang along
And there was a God in Heaven
And the world made perfect sense
We were young and were in love
And we were easy to convince
We were headed straight for Eden
It was just around the bend
And though I have forgotten all about it
The song remembers when
(Bridge:)
I guess somethin' must have happened
And we must have said goodbye
And my heart must have been broken
Though I can't recall just why
The song remembers when
Well, for all the miles between us
And for all the time that's passed
You would think I haven't gotten very far
And I hope my hasty heart
Will forgive me just this once
If I stop to wonder how on earth you are
But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtrackin'
Around corners I have turned
Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when
Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when
with a heavy heart,
~Reina~
But even still on a day that is suppose to be about love, romance and awesome relationships I couldn't help but to think about Tim today. Is it just completely weird that I really don't feel any ill feelings for him? I mean it's easy to talk about him and the crap he does but still really don't feel ill towards him. I was hoping tho that since it was V-day he would call to talk to Lil Mama...but sadly enough that didn't happen. I guess I will NEVER stop hoping that he'll really take time from his life and think about these beautiful children of ours & make complete time for them with NO interruptions from this woman or that woman. But only he can choose to make that decesion in the end. I just don't want the babies emotions toyed with like so many others have in the last year, including mine.
God, our first V-day as a couple I spent it alone without him b/c he was in Kuwait and now what is most likely the very last V-day as a "married couple" I spent it alone as well. Is this just ironic or what? Maybe him being gone so much early on in our relationship was the first sign of our marriage being where it is today.
I still can hear him telling me for days including the day I dropped him off @ the airport telling me, "We still have 6 months to really decide". Tho I know his word means very little these days I can't help to keep playing that in my head over and over again. I mean...how did he expect me to react to such a statement? I think I sooooooooo didn't react the way he thought I was going to the entire time he was "home" on leave...I even surprised myself some too. NO, I'M NOT HAVING 2ND THOUGHTS ABOUT MY DECESIONS b/c I'm sure it may sound that way but then I've had time without his input to process things that have gone on during our marriage and the last year of separation. But I more so have a curious notion if you will. I still have so many questions left unanswered by him about why he did "some"things in the last year if he sooooooooo really wanted our marriage to work like he'd been telling me off and on for the last year and even while he was here but I really thought it most important to lay it out there how i felt and have been feeling and for him to actually hear me without anger or disgust.
God do I soooooooooooo sound like the total sap I think I sound like right now?
Well I guess I will end this post with the lyrics to a Trisha Yearwood song that I can't help but to think of Tim when I hear it.
The Song Remembers When - Trisha Yearwood
I was standin' at the counter
I was waitin' for the change
When I heard that old familiar music start
It was like a lighted match
Had been tossed into my soul
It was like a dam had broken in my heart
After taking ev'ry detour
Gettin' lost and losin' track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back
After drivin' out the mem'ry
Of the way things might have been
After I'd forgotten all about us
The song remembers when
We were rolling through the Rockies
We were up above the clouds
When a station out of Jackson played that song
And it seemed to fit the moment
And the moment seemed to freeze
When we turned the music up and sang along
And there was a God in Heaven
And the world made perfect sense
We were young and were in love
And we were easy to convince
We were headed straight for Eden
It was just around the bend
And though I have forgotten all about it
The song remembers when
(Bridge:)
I guess somethin' must have happened
And we must have said goodbye
And my heart must have been broken
Though I can't recall just why
The song remembers when
Well, for all the miles between us
And for all the time that's passed
You would think I haven't gotten very far
And I hope my hasty heart
Will forgive me just this once
If I stop to wonder how on earth you are
But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtrackin'
Around corners I have turned
Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when
Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when
with a heavy heart,
~Reina~