(no subject)
I realize I haven't written in this for years... YEARS, people! But I'm having such a crappy semester that I just need to write and get it out there, but people who are too nosey won't bother me on this blog. If that all makes sense.
So I had a miscarriage in September. It really really sucked. I got pregnant right after coming off birth control, which was great, and we were so excited, and it was perfect timing! I was graduating in April with my masters, and I'd have a baby in May... moving strait from school to mommyhood, the way I always wanted. Well, despite how excited I was I was suspicious of the pregnancy from the beginning... and about two weeks later it was confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. The thing with miscarriages is that they're so common, but so deflating. Everyone wants to tell you it's ok (for the record, hardly anyone knew I was pregnant, and only a few know I had a miscarriage), that it's really common (which it is... 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriages. Maybe more), that at least now you know that you CAN get pregnant... and you really want to be ok. I don't hate anyone for telling me those things, I know they were well meaning and all of those things are true. But I just wasn't ok.
So for the last few months I've been... surviving. I mean, on the outside, I look fine. I go to class, I'm getting decent grades, I teach my classes, etc. But it seems every week someone else is telling the world that they're pregnant, while I'm watching the days pass thinking about what it would be like if I was pregnant. I would be in my second trimester already... probably starting to feel the baby move. Jordan and I would be arguing whether or not to find out the baby's gender (I'm all for knowing, Jordan wants it to be a surprise). Maybe on of the most painful things is to see someone "accidentally" get pregnant... a teenager, a girl at school, heck, even my freakin' mom (Elyse was a surprise...). I really wanted my baby, and I lost her. Now, I'm well aware this is an insane way of thinking. I mean, how can I know how many people have had miscarriages? No one broadcastes it, no one says, "Well, I got pregnant this time but 6 months ago I miscarried." But I can' help but feel so jealous... miserable.
This last week I really thought I was pregnant again. I had all the sympotoms, everythign was there and then... no, not really. Not pregnant. For two days, I really thought it was going to be ok. I thought, "Yes. That whole miscarriage episode was miserable, but I'm ok now... now it's really going to happen." But no.
Every month is a new opprotunity, and the truth is that it's excellent that I got pregnant, period. I have several friends who are having trouble even concieving. All of this should get better in the coming months, I think. I hope. It's such a distracting way to end school, "Oh, I got strait A's. But I lost something else."
Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm sorry if I'm oversharing, but I had it get it out somewhere...
So I had a miscarriage in September. It really really sucked. I got pregnant right after coming off birth control, which was great, and we were so excited, and it was perfect timing! I was graduating in April with my masters, and I'd have a baby in May... moving strait from school to mommyhood, the way I always wanted. Well, despite how excited I was I was suspicious of the pregnancy from the beginning... and about two weeks later it was confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. The thing with miscarriages is that they're so common, but so deflating. Everyone wants to tell you it's ok (for the record, hardly anyone knew I was pregnant, and only a few know I had a miscarriage), that it's really common (which it is... 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriages. Maybe more), that at least now you know that you CAN get pregnant... and you really want to be ok. I don't hate anyone for telling me those things, I know they were well meaning and all of those things are true. But I just wasn't ok.
So for the last few months I've been... surviving. I mean, on the outside, I look fine. I go to class, I'm getting decent grades, I teach my classes, etc. But it seems every week someone else is telling the world that they're pregnant, while I'm watching the days pass thinking about what it would be like if I was pregnant. I would be in my second trimester already... probably starting to feel the baby move. Jordan and I would be arguing whether or not to find out the baby's gender (I'm all for knowing, Jordan wants it to be a surprise). Maybe on of the most painful things is to see someone "accidentally" get pregnant... a teenager, a girl at school, heck, even my freakin' mom (Elyse was a surprise...). I really wanted my baby, and I lost her. Now, I'm well aware this is an insane way of thinking. I mean, how can I know how many people have had miscarriages? No one broadcastes it, no one says, "Well, I got pregnant this time but 6 months ago I miscarried." But I can' help but feel so jealous... miserable.
This last week I really thought I was pregnant again. I had all the sympotoms, everythign was there and then... no, not really. Not pregnant. For two days, I really thought it was going to be ok. I thought, "Yes. That whole miscarriage episode was miserable, but I'm ok now... now it's really going to happen." But no.
Every month is a new opprotunity, and the truth is that it's excellent that I got pregnant, period. I have several friends who are having trouble even concieving. All of this should get better in the coming months, I think. I hope. It's such a distracting way to end school, "Oh, I got strait A's. But I lost something else."
Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm sorry if I'm oversharing, but I had it get it out somewhere...