(no subject)
i say this here so that no one else from my college will read this.
I have had a pretty miserable evening. The main reason being that the solos for the Messiah were posted, and even though I was aware of the voices involved and I felt good about my audition, I was not given one. Heh. I'm a senior in college, just about to graduate, and it still feels horrible when you really want a particular solo, and you don't get it. If I could explain the dynamic of the department in a sentence, I would explain and perhaps some would understand why this is such a slap in the face. It's petty to think I have been not been included because they are still upset that I chose not to return for my grad. I still can't help but feel that way. Part of me just wants to graduate and go home. Yet I feel guilty because I chose to be with Jordan rather than staying in Nac. I feel guilty because I chose a personal relationship over building my career. And everytime I mention that perhaps, in general, grad school is not for me and that I would love to just start a family, I feel the world looking down on me as a waste of talent.
You want to know the real problem here? I'm allowing them to make me feel guilty. I need to banish that guilt, because I know this is the right choice for me. This is not their life, it's mine. Ok, so, no more feeling guilty.
In truth, I really don't think they with held a solo from me because they think my choices are naive. At least not conciously. I just wish I understood what my weakness was, you know?
I have had a pretty miserable evening. The main reason being that the solos for the Messiah were posted, and even though I was aware of the voices involved and I felt good about my audition, I was not given one. Heh. I'm a senior in college, just about to graduate, and it still feels horrible when you really want a particular solo, and you don't get it. If I could explain the dynamic of the department in a sentence, I would explain and perhaps some would understand why this is such a slap in the face. It's petty to think I have been not been included because they are still upset that I chose not to return for my grad. I still can't help but feel that way. Part of me just wants to graduate and go home. Yet I feel guilty because I chose to be with Jordan rather than staying in Nac. I feel guilty because I chose a personal relationship over building my career. And everytime I mention that perhaps, in general, grad school is not for me and that I would love to just start a family, I feel the world looking down on me as a waste of talent.
You want to know the real problem here? I'm allowing them to make me feel guilty. I need to banish that guilt, because I know this is the right choice for me. This is not their life, it's mine. Ok, so, no more feeling guilty.
In truth, I really don't think they with held a solo from me because they think my choices are naive. At least not conciously. I just wish I understood what my weakness was, you know?