(no subject)
i feel like crap and an idiot, i feel so fucking dumb. i hate myself for letting all of this happen. it sucks and i hate it it didnt work out. i dont know what im gonna do. i feel so lost and alone, and i hate it. and i know i did this to myself, but still, that doesnt mean that im happy about it. i told them that i wanted to take the semester off, that i thought it would be the best for me. but they said no, cause ya know, why the fuck should i have a say in what i do in my life, that would just be crazy. i told them that i wanted to take the semester off, but they didnt listen to me, they thought it would be the best for me, but i knew, i knew that i couldnt do it. and look what happened. im just feeling like crap and i hate life right now, i was crying in the car on the way to and from the bank and then for a little while after i got home, i dont wanna leave my room, i dont wanna face the world, im hungry, but my breakfast is downstairs and i cant face anybody right now. i just cant. im afraid im gonna start to cry infront of someone, and idk, maybe itd be a good thing, like, maybe theyd actually figure it out. the whole time i was driving, i kept thinking about how easy it would be to just crash the car and that it could be over just as easy, or that i could get hurt and not have to go back, but i dont think i can deal with this anymore. maybe i should make mom or someone read this, its a lot easier to write out how i feel than to actually say how i feel. and right now i feel like absolute crap and i hate my life, i hate it so very much. like i said yesterday, the only good thing thats going on in my life is Christian, but hes not here, i was talking to him on the phone, but its not the same, hes not here, and it hurts, it really does, i just love him so much, and it hurts that hes not here with me, and i hate it.