(no subject)
yeah pure pure boredom you know that you love it!!! :D
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread & beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue & shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm & the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from
> Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young
> bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed
> distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on
one knee
> and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood
deeply
> embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe
worked the
> wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly
put down
> its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious
> look on its face, star ed at him for several tense moments.
>
> Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually
> the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
> Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
>
> Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his
> teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the
> creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
Tapu were
> standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot
> off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then
> trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
>
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering
if this
> was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the
> railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the
> elephant and stared back in wonder.
>
> The elephant trumpeted ag ain, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mbembe's legs
> and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
>
> Probably wasn't the same elephant.
One day I was doing the dishes and my 3-year old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the floor.
At one point she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two
of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your
fingers!"
I pretended to eat them before I went back to what I was doing.
When I turned around, my daughter was staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson,
Anthony, who is coming to visit with his wife, Maria.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301.
"There issa bigga panel at de front door.
"With you elbow pusha button 301.
"I will buzza you in. Come inside; de elevator is on de right.
"Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on de left.
"With you elbow hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow?"
"What . . . . . . . . . You comin empty handed?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*! t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off h is ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread & beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue & shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm & the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from
> Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young
> bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed
> distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on
one knee
> and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood
deeply
> embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe
worked the
> wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly
put down
> its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious
> look on its face, star ed at him for several tense moments.
>
> Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually
> the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
> Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
>
> Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his
> teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the
> creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
Tapu were
> standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot
> off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then
> trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
>
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering
if this
> was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the
> railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the
> elephant and stared back in wonder.
>
> The elephant trumpeted ag ain, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mbembe's legs
> and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
>
> Probably wasn't the same elephant.
One day I was doing the dishes and my 3-year old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the floor.
At one point she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two
of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your
fingers!"
I pretended to eat them before I went back to what I was doing.
When I turned around, my daughter was staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson,
Anthony, who is coming to visit with his wife, Maria.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301.
"There issa bigga panel at de front door.
"With you elbow pusha button 301.
"I will buzza you in. Come inside; de elevator is on de right.
"Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on de left.
"With you elbow hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow?"
"What . . . . . . . . . You comin empty handed?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*! t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off h is ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.