Your actions matter, even when the moment is small - especially when the moment is small
I want to share something with you guys. It's all been kittens and chickens, but that doesn't mean nothing's been going on - just that I haven't updated. Hopefully I will get back in the habit. I'll start with this story which made me weep today, in a good way.
Facebook is really an interesting thing, in so many ways. There is not a chance in the world that I would have reconnected, even on a superficial level, with so many of the people I went to school with in elementary, middle, and high school without it.
I was horribly isolated as a kid in elementary school - bullied and miserable. My parents, completely distraught and feeling helpless, moved me from the local public school (which was otherwise a good school) to a local private school, which was also fantastic. But not for me. A few mean girls made it even worse than where I had come from. After two years there (5th and 6th) I said I wanted to go to the local junior high instead of finish 7th and 8th with the horrible kids at Peninsula School.
Something shifted in me there, and I stopped being bullied. I was finally able to have some peace, friends, and education at school. (This all fell apart half way through 8th grade when my parents divorced, but that was internal strife, not external.)
There was one crystallizing moment at the beginning of 7th grade that has always, always, ALWAYS stood out for me in that process. There was a cute, very popular boy who turned out not to be the mean-popular combination. I had actually never met a nice-popular kid since moving to California when I was 8. I had no idea who he was really, but he made the simplest of gestures, and it was a catalyzing event. We've been facebook friended for over a year now, probably more than two years. Our interactions are completely superficial, but he has always had this special place in my memory and my own past. I am quite sure he has zero memory of this event - we weren't great friends in school, although he was always nice, and we certainly knew who each other were.
Today he posted this as his status:
Be honest. Be true. Be real.
I've come to realize that living in, and cherishing, the present is a gift.
In short ... I am grateful.
I am grateful for my wife. I am grateful for the love of my children. Finally, I am grateful for my friends.
For whatever reason, this reminded me of his part in my past, and it prompted me to send him a personal note to his inbox:
David,
I thought I'd share a little story with you that meant a lot to me, and I'm sure you never thought of again after it happened.
You are partially, but largely, responsible for shifting my school experience from one of being bullied, and miserable, to one where I was able to find myself, and stop hating every single minute of the school day.
Background:
I was horribly bullied in elementary school by "the mean girls" and just had no idea how to get out from that situation. Nothing I did, or didn't do, seemed to help. My parents moved me from Crescent Park Elementary, to Peninsula School, and finally Jordan when the private school kids were even worse than it had been at CP.
The story:
The first week of seventh grade, you and I had P.E. together. If there was anything that made school worse for me, it was P.E. I was awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin, and it was just another place to be made fun of.
We were all sitting on the floor listening to the teacher, and you had a ball, probably a basket ball, because we were in the gym, but maybe it was a volley ball, who knows. At some point, while we were all sitting there being 12 and 13 years old in a new situation, you rolled the ball at me and it hit my leg. I instantly felt like it was all going to start again, I was being picked on by a popular mean kid. I looked up, and to my surprise you didn't look hostile, as I expected, and something shifted in me in that moment. It is really the defining moment when I stopped being a kid who got picked on. I took a chance, and rolled the ball back to you, in a friendly manner, and you smiled. You have always had a warm and beaming smile, and it made all the difference in the world that that was your response. It became clear to me that you had intended no malice, you were just playing around, (possibly even flirting, which was TOTALLY new to me!) I realized in that moment that I had choices about how I reacted to interactions, and that those choices would influence what happened with people.
I've spent years trying to figure out how that sort of thing could possibly be taught to someone else - and I haven't figured it out. I wish I could - so many kids really do suffer from bullying and while it's true that they need to be able to ignore it/shrug it off, in some sense, that is much too simplistic and it's not possible before they're able to do it. I'm sure I was ripe for making that shift, and maybe anyone might have made it possible. But not anyone did - you did. And I've always remembered it, and you, fondly because of it.
Anyway, your update earlier made me think of it again, and I thought it is kind of criminal for me to have this meaningful memory of you and not let you know about it.
So now I have.
Thank you, David, for being that catalyst for me. You were one of the popular kids, but you weren't one of the mean ones, and it totally made a world of difference to someone. Never think that the small things you do haven't rippled out and affected people, because they surely have, even if you never hear about them.
fondly, always,
--Kimberly
Within a couple of hours, this arrived in my inbox:
Hi Kimberly,
Thank you for being so kind to share your thoughts.
I am so sorry to hear about the bullying you had to endure. I wished I would have known. In my book, being mean is just not ok. Most of my early elementary years where not very pleasant, because of mean people ... but then the world around me changed.
For background, I moved to Palo Alto from Menlo Park at the start of 5th Grade. My previous school, in the Ravenswood District, was pretty tough. Every day, and I do mean every day, there were fights. In the classroom, on the playground, in the bathrooms. Even the principal at that school walked around with a wooden paddle, striking kids to break up the fights.
When I started at Crescent Park, I had been conditioned to fight at the drop of the hat. It was my survivor instinct, and I really didn't know any different. At CP, I was aggressive and would square up (and at times fight) with anyone who I thought was challenging me. I was an angry kid, who did not know how to operate in this new environment.
After just two weeks at CP, the principal called in my parents for a meeting with me. I either had to change how I was acting, or I would be expelled from the school. The principal said that the kids just wanted to be friends, and that I was misinterpreting the other boys at the school.
I was not used to other students, that I did not know, who wanted to simply play and be a friend. That night, I had a very interesting, and long, conversation with my parents. Over the next weeks, I learned how to adapt.
That one day, so many years ago in 5th Grade, changed my concept of how to be with others. Your message today made my day. Actually, you made my year. One never knows how the choices one makes may impacts the thoughts of others. Today, I am more reflective of my actions because you chose to share. For that, I am grateful.
I wish you all the best, and send my heartfelt appreciation for you simply being you.
David
Who knew. I left Crescent Park after 4th grade, so I missed his horrible entry into 5th grade. I never had ANY idea that this was his past. At ALL.
Our lives really are filled with moments - any one of which might just be a turning point for any one of us. Never doubt that a tiny kindness, or smile, might make all the different in someone's life, including your own.
Facebook is really an interesting thing, in so many ways. There is not a chance in the world that I would have reconnected, even on a superficial level, with so many of the people I went to school with in elementary, middle, and high school without it.
I was horribly isolated as a kid in elementary school - bullied and miserable. My parents, completely distraught and feeling helpless, moved me from the local public school (which was otherwise a good school) to a local private school, which was also fantastic. But not for me. A few mean girls made it even worse than where I had come from. After two years there (5th and 6th) I said I wanted to go to the local junior high instead of finish 7th and 8th with the horrible kids at Peninsula School.
Something shifted in me there, and I stopped being bullied. I was finally able to have some peace, friends, and education at school. (This all fell apart half way through 8th grade when my parents divorced, but that was internal strife, not external.)
There was one crystallizing moment at the beginning of 7th grade that has always, always, ALWAYS stood out for me in that process. There was a cute, very popular boy who turned out not to be the mean-popular combination. I had actually never met a nice-popular kid since moving to California when I was 8. I had no idea who he was really, but he made the simplest of gestures, and it was a catalyzing event. We've been facebook friended for over a year now, probably more than two years. Our interactions are completely superficial, but he has always had this special place in my memory and my own past. I am quite sure he has zero memory of this event - we weren't great friends in school, although he was always nice, and we certainly knew who each other were.
Today he posted this as his status:
Be honest. Be true. Be real.
I've come to realize that living in, and cherishing, the present is a gift.
In short ... I am grateful.
I am grateful for my wife. I am grateful for the love of my children. Finally, I am grateful for my friends.
For whatever reason, this reminded me of his part in my past, and it prompted me to send him a personal note to his inbox:
David,
I thought I'd share a little story with you that meant a lot to me, and I'm sure you never thought of again after it happened.
You are partially, but largely, responsible for shifting my school experience from one of being bullied, and miserable, to one where I was able to find myself, and stop hating every single minute of the school day.
Background:
I was horribly bullied in elementary school by "the mean girls" and just had no idea how to get out from that situation. Nothing I did, or didn't do, seemed to help. My parents moved me from Crescent Park Elementary, to Peninsula School, and finally Jordan when the private school kids were even worse than it had been at CP.
The story:
The first week of seventh grade, you and I had P.E. together. If there was anything that made school worse for me, it was P.E. I was awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin, and it was just another place to be made fun of.
We were all sitting on the floor listening to the teacher, and you had a ball, probably a basket ball, because we were in the gym, but maybe it was a volley ball, who knows. At some point, while we were all sitting there being 12 and 13 years old in a new situation, you rolled the ball at me and it hit my leg. I instantly felt like it was all going to start again, I was being picked on by a popular mean kid. I looked up, and to my surprise you didn't look hostile, as I expected, and something shifted in me in that moment. It is really the defining moment when I stopped being a kid who got picked on. I took a chance, and rolled the ball back to you, in a friendly manner, and you smiled. You have always had a warm and beaming smile, and it made all the difference in the world that that was your response. It became clear to me that you had intended no malice, you were just playing around, (possibly even flirting, which was TOTALLY new to me!) I realized in that moment that I had choices about how I reacted to interactions, and that those choices would influence what happened with people.
I've spent years trying to figure out how that sort of thing could possibly be taught to someone else - and I haven't figured it out. I wish I could - so many kids really do suffer from bullying and while it's true that they need to be able to ignore it/shrug it off, in some sense, that is much too simplistic and it's not possible before they're able to do it. I'm sure I was ripe for making that shift, and maybe anyone might have made it possible. But not anyone did - you did. And I've always remembered it, and you, fondly because of it.
Anyway, your update earlier made me think of it again, and I thought it is kind of criminal for me to have this meaningful memory of you and not let you know about it.
So now I have.
Thank you, David, for being that catalyst for me. You were one of the popular kids, but you weren't one of the mean ones, and it totally made a world of difference to someone. Never think that the small things you do haven't rippled out and affected people, because they surely have, even if you never hear about them.
fondly, always,
--Kimberly
Within a couple of hours, this arrived in my inbox:
Hi Kimberly,
Thank you for being so kind to share your thoughts.
I am so sorry to hear about the bullying you had to endure. I wished I would have known. In my book, being mean is just not ok. Most of my early elementary years where not very pleasant, because of mean people ... but then the world around me changed.
For background, I moved to Palo Alto from Menlo Park at the start of 5th Grade. My previous school, in the Ravenswood District, was pretty tough. Every day, and I do mean every day, there were fights. In the classroom, on the playground, in the bathrooms. Even the principal at that school walked around with a wooden paddle, striking kids to break up the fights.
When I started at Crescent Park, I had been conditioned to fight at the drop of the hat. It was my survivor instinct, and I really didn't know any different. At CP, I was aggressive and would square up (and at times fight) with anyone who I thought was challenging me. I was an angry kid, who did not know how to operate in this new environment.
After just two weeks at CP, the principal called in my parents for a meeting with me. I either had to change how I was acting, or I would be expelled from the school. The principal said that the kids just wanted to be friends, and that I was misinterpreting the other boys at the school.
I was not used to other students, that I did not know, who wanted to simply play and be a friend. That night, I had a very interesting, and long, conversation with my parents. Over the next weeks, I learned how to adapt.
That one day, so many years ago in 5th Grade, changed my concept of how to be with others. Your message today made my day. Actually, you made my year. One never knows how the choices one makes may impacts the thoughts of others. Today, I am more reflective of my actions because you chose to share. For that, I am grateful.
I wish you all the best, and send my heartfelt appreciation for you simply being you.
David
Who knew. I left Crescent Park after 4th grade, so I missed his horrible entry into 5th grade. I never had ANY idea that this was his past. At ALL.
Our lives really are filled with moments - any one of which might just be a turning point for any one of us. Never doubt that a tiny kindness, or smile, might make all the different in someone's life, including your own.