wallflower.
i feel like this entry has been a long time coming, but i'm still not sure what to write or how to put it.
for the second time this summer, i've had the women at work bother me about not having a boyfriend. and they're just being gossipy and working in an office, i should expect this. but i just hate having to answer their questions and i hate being told that i'm next in line to get married and i hate being told that i'm being picky and i hate being told that it's good that i concentrate on school and that i'm not getting pregnant.
dammit, i have issues, all right? i want a boyfriend. i don't think i deserve a boyfriend for whatever the moment's reason is. i try to convince myself that i don't need a boyfriend and therefore i don't want one and of course, it's not true. i don't understand why i do that, but i do.
and i'm sitting here just staring at the screen trying to figure out why i'm so screwed up.
stuff is just bubbling up, i guess. i feel stupid for it, but it is. it's people asking me about who i'm taking to the wedding. which is always an interesting answer when i explain that one of the other bridesmaids is my date. it's listening to musicals at work and hearing the love songs or beautiful chords and welling up and trying so hard to hold it in so that no one worries. it's my mother trying to make me laugh as she makes up excuses for me to use in that kind of situation. "what do i need a boyfriend for? my vibrator works just fine." it's reading books where people get kissed. it's watching lois and clark and seeing chemistry. it's writing a novel that i don't get to live. it's seeing people hold hands in the mall and boyfriends holding their girlfriends' purses. some days, it's just waking up alone.
everything happens for a reason. this too, shall pass. one is the loneliest number that you'll ever know.
so, my aunt has cancer. like bad cancer. six months to a year, *if* the chemo goes well. and i don't feel sad. i'm not particularly close to her. but i feel bad for my cousins. dan used to take us blueberry picking every summer. billy taught me how to use a playstation. shawn and i slept in the same bed together. and now they're losing their mom. so i've got that. and guilt for not being sad.
and i got a raise. my incentive has been upped to fifty bucks a day pretty much. which equals an extra seventy five bucks a week.
we're getting high speed wireless. which makes me happy.
and now i'm done with this entry.
(sorry for being the patron saint of lj emo entries tonight, y'all.)
for the second time this summer, i've had the women at work bother me about not having a boyfriend. and they're just being gossipy and working in an office, i should expect this. but i just hate having to answer their questions and i hate being told that i'm next in line to get married and i hate being told that i'm being picky and i hate being told that it's good that i concentrate on school and that i'm not getting pregnant.
dammit, i have issues, all right? i want a boyfriend. i don't think i deserve a boyfriend for whatever the moment's reason is. i try to convince myself that i don't need a boyfriend and therefore i don't want one and of course, it's not true. i don't understand why i do that, but i do.
and i'm sitting here just staring at the screen trying to figure out why i'm so screwed up.
stuff is just bubbling up, i guess. i feel stupid for it, but it is. it's people asking me about who i'm taking to the wedding. which is always an interesting answer when i explain that one of the other bridesmaids is my date. it's listening to musicals at work and hearing the love songs or beautiful chords and welling up and trying so hard to hold it in so that no one worries. it's my mother trying to make me laugh as she makes up excuses for me to use in that kind of situation. "what do i need a boyfriend for? my vibrator works just fine." it's reading books where people get kissed. it's watching lois and clark and seeing chemistry. it's writing a novel that i don't get to live. it's seeing people hold hands in the mall and boyfriends holding their girlfriends' purses. some days, it's just waking up alone.
everything happens for a reason. this too, shall pass. one is the loneliest number that you'll ever know.
so, my aunt has cancer. like bad cancer. six months to a year, *if* the chemo goes well. and i don't feel sad. i'm not particularly close to her. but i feel bad for my cousins. dan used to take us blueberry picking every summer. billy taught me how to use a playstation. shawn and i slept in the same bed together. and now they're losing their mom. so i've got that. and guilt for not being sad.
and i got a raise. my incentive has been upped to fifty bucks a day pretty much. which equals an extra seventy five bucks a week.
we're getting high speed wireless. which makes me happy.
and now i'm done with this entry.
(sorry for being the patron saint of lj emo entries tonight, y'all.)