D&J - While I'm Still Here
While I'm Still Here
drake & josh. drake/josh. pg13ish.
"No...no man, I'm fine," Drake said, trying to sound reassuring. "Listen, I've gotta get to band practice so, um...why don't we do this later?" He was at the door now, desperate to make a quick escape. He stepped outside of the room and made it almost halfway down the hall.
Drake had always needed Josh way more than the other way around. And really, Drake thought he'd had a handle on his emotions until Josh completely shut him out last spring. He couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't function and it got totally past the point of pathetic until Josh finally forgave him. In the end, the fight had made them stronger but Drake wasn't willing to forget so fast this time. Because now, it was hard to think that in a week Josh would be headed for college and Drake would be headed off to record his first album. Sometimes Drake would dream about it and wake up gasping, like his chest was about to cave in from the sheer force of it all. Josh was oblivious, of course, snoring away while the dehumidifier ran as it had for the past four years. But he would lay back on his loft, mind racing, and wonder how he could keep the separation from killing him.
"Dude, you okay?" Josh asked, three days from his departure. Drake had been sitting on the sofa, feet propped up and watching Celebrities Underwater while Josh was busy packing.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You just seem awfully quiet." Drake heard the ripping sound of packing tape and internally flinched. "Would you mind helping me?'
Because it was a commercial and because he couldn't think of a good excuse, he agreed and Drake found himself amid the boxes and suitcases he wanted to avoid. He noticed a notebook he thought was his and bent over to grab it. Flipping through it, Drake realized that it was filled with drawings, sketches he wasn't aware Josh did anymore.
"You still draw?"
"Sometimes," Josh shrugged, packing a few books away in to an empty box.
"These are really good," Drake said, half under his breath. Pages and pages of landscapes and the ocean and whatever until Drake saw something that made him stop cold. "Is this me?"
Josh stood up then, slight hint of red tingeing his cheeks as he peered over Drake's shoulder. "Uh...yeah. I did these after you got signed."
"This looks like an album cover," Drake told him, unable to take his eyes off the page.
"Good. That's kinda what I was going for."
Two more pages turned and Drake saw three more drawn versions of himself rocking out on pencil lined guitar. "Man, how come you never showed these to me?"
"I don't know. I didn't think it was a big deal." Josh eyed him suspiciously and put his hand on Drake's shoulder. "Are you okay? You've been acting weirder than usual lately."
"No...no man, I'm fine," Drake said, trying to sound reassuring. "Listen, I've gotta get to band practice so, um...why don't we do this later?" He was at the door now, desperate to make a quick escape. He stepped outside of the room and made it almost halfway down the hall.
"Draaake?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't you need your guitar?"
Drake refused to look Josh in the eye as he came back for his guitar.
--
Drake drove around aimlessly as he tried to figure out a place to go. Anywhere but here seemed like a good option and because of his band practice lie, he had a couple hours to kill. He just needed to figure out how to get away from the thoughts that had been plaguing his head recently; thoughts of Josh that were more than just brotherly and he didn't really know how to handle it. The idea of avoiding everything and hoping that it would go away seemed like the way to go. Pulling out his cell phone, he slowed for the red light before pressing 'talk'. "Hey, you wanna go somewhere? Cool."
It took ten minutes to get to his destination, five minutes for Carly to convince her mom to let her go, and another fifteen minutes before they were tangled in each other in his back seat. But it seemed like no time at all before Drake was thinking of Josh, of digging his fingers into short, dark curls instead of the long, brown waves that were currently occupying his hands. He tried to concentrate on what he was doing and how she felt pressed against him (So good baby, just like that), but on some level, Drake felt like he was just going through the motions.
It was over soon enough; his jeans were zipped and he was watching Carly pull her black t-shirt over her head. In the quiet of the car, he used the tip of his fingers to brush over his bottom lip and he realized how raw it was from trying not to scream out the name that was on the tip of his tongue.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine," Drake answered while gritting his teeth.
Except it wasn't and he tried not to cringe when she kissed him goodbye.
--
The night before their separation, Josh said yes to the wine because he was a good boy and only drank one glass that he used to toast to their exciting new futures.
Drake had snuck in the alcohol and downed three glasses when Josh wasn't looking because he was the bad guy who needed to forget that tomorrow was coming.
"Okay, I think you've had enough," Josh said, wrestling the bottle out of Drake's hands with only minor spillage. He set it on the coffee table as Drake fell against the back of the sofa, dreamy smile making his lips spread.
"Josh. Josh. Josh."
"What?"
"Josh. I like your name. Do you like mine?"
Josh smiled. "Yeah Drake, sure." He took Drake's arm and brought it around his neck while his other arm braced the other boy's back. "Come on, let's try getting up."
It was a bit rocky and Josh nearly dropped him, but they managed to get next to the ladder of Drake's loft. The majority of Drake's weight rested warmly against Josh's side and he looked at the sofa, confused. "Hey, the sofa's down there."
"Yeah and your bed's up there dude. Think you can make it up?"
Drake looked up at his bed and forgot how to shake his head "no" before he fell forward (or Josh pushed him) and a then a ladder slat was pressed up coldly on his cheek. He could hear Josh trying to suppress laughter before the two of them were moving together again; the next thing he felt was soft cotton and his eyes focused on the blue plaid of Josh's comforter. The bed dipped and Drake rolled over to see Josh laying next to him, smiling with tired eyes.
"Guess we'll have to share," Josh informed him, the last word swallowed up by a yawn. Drake nodded, not feeling the least bit tired. He was aware of the bed and how Josh was less than an arm's length away; any thoughts he'd been having over the last couple of days (hell, last couple of months) were sliding together in hyper drive as he tried to remember how to breathe easily. He reached out and grabbed Josh's bicep, as if to prove that he was really there.
"Josh, Josh, Josh."
"Drake, Drake, Drake."
Josh was smiling like it was a silly game and Drake could feel his heart thumping angrily against his bones. Ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom; man, couldn't Josh hear that? Drake's chest was going to explode, any second now, and he was about 99% sure this wasn't a dream that he would wake up from. No, this time he wasn't on the mattress on his loft but he was on Josh's bed and Josh must've forgotten to turn on the dehumidifier because the room was silent, except for ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom. Drake was vaguely aware that his hand hadn't moved and Josh wasn't pulling away and god, he was drunk but he didn't feel like he was.
"You have something on your ear," Drake said and he was going for it, pulling out one of his oldest tricks. Josh had seen him pull this trick on girls at the Premiere, but he was still as could be as Drake used his finger and thumb to brush nothing off Josh's earlobe while simultaneously scooting closer. They were close enough now that they're almost sharing the same pillow and Josh's face was a little blurry.
"Did you get it?" Josh asked and Drake noticed the hitch in his voice. He could see Josh look at his lips and he felt Josh's warm breath on his chin as he took in a breath and a shallow prayer of his own before he actually went through with it.
"Almost."
Pressing their lips together, Drake tried to be as soft as he could. He swore that his lungs had all but stopped working, that everything in his body hit a giant pause button for an achingly long moment until Josh responded and they were moving their lips together; sort of a kiss, sort of a feeling each other out. Josh pulled away first and looked at him with wide eyes that made Drake want to die inside.
"You...you kissed me."
"Yeah." What else could he say?
"On purpose?"
"Yeah."
"You're messing with me, right?"
Drake shook his head. Josh's eyes had gone from wide to normal and he looked more like he was trying to process what had just happened instead of pushing Drake away. So Drake took his chances, looped his hand around the back of the other boy's neck and pulled him forward to show him how serious he was. There was more pressure this time and Drake allowed his body to line up with Josh's; a flick of someone's tongue and through his haze, Drake heard a faint groan that wasn't his and it made his insides melt. Kissing Josh was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before, he was pretty sure. He finally dug his fingers into the inky black curls that played at the nape of Josh's neck and felt how soft they were; his imagination hadn't done them justice. He wanted to taste the skin there and he moved his mouth over the strong line of Josh's jaw before burying himself into the curve of his neck.
"Drake...Drake, how'd you know?"
"Know what?" he asked, his words sinking into the grooved collar of Josh's t-shirt.
"That I, uh...felt, um...you know..."
Drake heard the stammering, the uhs, the ums, and dealt with it the only way he knew how. He kept moving with lips grazing over skin in time with the rhythm of Josh's breathing and the ever present ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom, like his heart was gearing up for a particularly intense drum solo or something. Drake hovered as close to Josh's mouth without actually touching; teasing with warm breath, taunting with a mischievous glance. He doesn't miss the flicker of desire in the blue eyes staring back at him and in a searing flash of a moment, Josh pulled them together; if he hadn't already been drunk, Drake surely would've been intoxicated by the headiness of the kiss, inebriated by the languid swipes of tongue.
--
It was all hazy memories after that. Shirts had been cast to the floor, the sheets were rumpled. A series of moans and groans, touches, tastes, and everything in between sort of filtered in to Drake's head as he slowly woke up the next morning, bleary eyed with a slamming headache. Stupid wine.
Rubbing his face, Drake realized that the room seemed awful quiet without the sound of Josh's snoring. Dropping his hands to his chest, he saw that the other side of the bed was empty. A quick scan of the room revealed emptiness too.
"Josh?"
Nothing.
Drake threw the plaid comforter back and got out of bed, adjusting his jeans and buttoned them to close as he did so. The alarm clock read noon and he remembered that Josh's flight was for 10 AM. He muttered a few choice words under his breath as he tore down the hallway, down the stairs, and burst into the kitchen. Audrey was tossing the ingredients for a salad and Megan was helping, but she took the time to give her brother a questioning look.
"You look terrible," Megan stated while handing Audrey a tomato.
"Mom, where's Josh?" Drake asked, ignoring her as he crossed his arms over his bare chest.
"Probably about an hour into his flight," Audrey answered, easily slicing through the tomato. "You knew he was leaving for college today."
"Well, yeah, but I wanted to go to the airport with him. I can't believe he would just leave like that!"
"Josh told us you guys said your goodbyes last night," Audrey informed him.
"Yeah and we all know how much you love your beauty sleep," Megan added, smirking.
"I can't believe you guys didn't wake me," he grumbled. "Josh is leaving for the other side of the country, which is like 300 miles away! Don't you think I would've gone to the airport?" He didn't stick around for the answer as he turned on his heel and walked back toward the staircase.
"Try three thousand miles," Megan bellowed after him.
"Whatever!"
--
Closing the blue door behind him, Drake slid against the wood until he was sitting on the bedroom floor and feeling completely lost. Looking around, the room was more or less the same but the emptiness felt cloying and he had to do something. He pulled out his phone and as if on autopilot, he called Josh because Josh would know what to do about the emptiness. Josh would know how to make him laugh and Josh would know what story would make him feel better and Josh would know that what Drake really needed right now was...well, Josh.
The mechanical voice on the voicemail sounded grating and Drake shut the phone and threw it toward the couch; not really mad, just frustrated. Last night was amazing (he's pretty sure) but confusing (he's absolutely sure) and it was definitely all his fault (of course).
I need you more than you need me.
--
part two
drake & josh. drake/josh. pg13ish.
"No...no man, I'm fine," Drake said, trying to sound reassuring. "Listen, I've gotta get to band practice so, um...why don't we do this later?" He was at the door now, desperate to make a quick escape. He stepped outside of the room and made it almost halfway down the hall.
Drake had always needed Josh way more than the other way around. And really, Drake thought he'd had a handle on his emotions until Josh completely shut him out last spring. He couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't function and it got totally past the point of pathetic until Josh finally forgave him. In the end, the fight had made them stronger but Drake wasn't willing to forget so fast this time. Because now, it was hard to think that in a week Josh would be headed for college and Drake would be headed off to record his first album. Sometimes Drake would dream about it and wake up gasping, like his chest was about to cave in from the sheer force of it all. Josh was oblivious, of course, snoring away while the dehumidifier ran as it had for the past four years. But he would lay back on his loft, mind racing, and wonder how he could keep the separation from killing him.
"Dude, you okay?" Josh asked, three days from his departure. Drake had been sitting on the sofa, feet propped up and watching Celebrities Underwater while Josh was busy packing.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You just seem awfully quiet." Drake heard the ripping sound of packing tape and internally flinched. "Would you mind helping me?'
Because it was a commercial and because he couldn't think of a good excuse, he agreed and Drake found himself amid the boxes and suitcases he wanted to avoid. He noticed a notebook he thought was his and bent over to grab it. Flipping through it, Drake realized that it was filled with drawings, sketches he wasn't aware Josh did anymore.
"You still draw?"
"Sometimes," Josh shrugged, packing a few books away in to an empty box.
"These are really good," Drake said, half under his breath. Pages and pages of landscapes and the ocean and whatever until Drake saw something that made him stop cold. "Is this me?"
Josh stood up then, slight hint of red tingeing his cheeks as he peered over Drake's shoulder. "Uh...yeah. I did these after you got signed."
"This looks like an album cover," Drake told him, unable to take his eyes off the page.
"Good. That's kinda what I was going for."
Two more pages turned and Drake saw three more drawn versions of himself rocking out on pencil lined guitar. "Man, how come you never showed these to me?"
"I don't know. I didn't think it was a big deal." Josh eyed him suspiciously and put his hand on Drake's shoulder. "Are you okay? You've been acting weirder than usual lately."
"No...no man, I'm fine," Drake said, trying to sound reassuring. "Listen, I've gotta get to band practice so, um...why don't we do this later?" He was at the door now, desperate to make a quick escape. He stepped outside of the room and made it almost halfway down the hall.
"Draaake?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't you need your guitar?"
Drake refused to look Josh in the eye as he came back for his guitar.
--
Drake drove around aimlessly as he tried to figure out a place to go. Anywhere but here seemed like a good option and because of his band practice lie, he had a couple hours to kill. He just needed to figure out how to get away from the thoughts that had been plaguing his head recently; thoughts of Josh that were more than just brotherly and he didn't really know how to handle it. The idea of avoiding everything and hoping that it would go away seemed like the way to go. Pulling out his cell phone, he slowed for the red light before pressing 'talk'. "Hey, you wanna go somewhere? Cool."
It took ten minutes to get to his destination, five minutes for Carly to convince her mom to let her go, and another fifteen minutes before they were tangled in each other in his back seat. But it seemed like no time at all before Drake was thinking of Josh, of digging his fingers into short, dark curls instead of the long, brown waves that were currently occupying his hands. He tried to concentrate on what he was doing and how she felt pressed against him (So good baby, just like that), but on some level, Drake felt like he was just going through the motions.
It was over soon enough; his jeans were zipped and he was watching Carly pull her black t-shirt over her head. In the quiet of the car, he used the tip of his fingers to brush over his bottom lip and he realized how raw it was from trying not to scream out the name that was on the tip of his tongue.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine," Drake answered while gritting his teeth.
Except it wasn't and he tried not to cringe when she kissed him goodbye.
--
The night before their separation, Josh said yes to the wine because he was a good boy and only drank one glass that he used to toast to their exciting new futures.
Drake had snuck in the alcohol and downed three glasses when Josh wasn't looking because he was the bad guy who needed to forget that tomorrow was coming.
"Okay, I think you've had enough," Josh said, wrestling the bottle out of Drake's hands with only minor spillage. He set it on the coffee table as Drake fell against the back of the sofa, dreamy smile making his lips spread.
"Josh. Josh. Josh."
"What?"
"Josh. I like your name. Do you like mine?"
Josh smiled. "Yeah Drake, sure." He took Drake's arm and brought it around his neck while his other arm braced the other boy's back. "Come on, let's try getting up."
It was a bit rocky and Josh nearly dropped him, but they managed to get next to the ladder of Drake's loft. The majority of Drake's weight rested warmly against Josh's side and he looked at the sofa, confused. "Hey, the sofa's down there."
"Yeah and your bed's up there dude. Think you can make it up?"
Drake looked up at his bed and forgot how to shake his head "no" before he fell forward (or Josh pushed him) and a then a ladder slat was pressed up coldly on his cheek. He could hear Josh trying to suppress laughter before the two of them were moving together again; the next thing he felt was soft cotton and his eyes focused on the blue plaid of Josh's comforter. The bed dipped and Drake rolled over to see Josh laying next to him, smiling with tired eyes.
"Guess we'll have to share," Josh informed him, the last word swallowed up by a yawn. Drake nodded, not feeling the least bit tired. He was aware of the bed and how Josh was less than an arm's length away; any thoughts he'd been having over the last couple of days (hell, last couple of months) were sliding together in hyper drive as he tried to remember how to breathe easily. He reached out and grabbed Josh's bicep, as if to prove that he was really there.
"Josh, Josh, Josh."
"Drake, Drake, Drake."
Josh was smiling like it was a silly game and Drake could feel his heart thumping angrily against his bones. Ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom; man, couldn't Josh hear that? Drake's chest was going to explode, any second now, and he was about 99% sure this wasn't a dream that he would wake up from. No, this time he wasn't on the mattress on his loft but he was on Josh's bed and Josh must've forgotten to turn on the dehumidifier because the room was silent, except for ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom. Drake was vaguely aware that his hand hadn't moved and Josh wasn't pulling away and god, he was drunk but he didn't feel like he was.
"You have something on your ear," Drake said and he was going for it, pulling out one of his oldest tricks. Josh had seen him pull this trick on girls at the Premiere, but he was still as could be as Drake used his finger and thumb to brush nothing off Josh's earlobe while simultaneously scooting closer. They were close enough now that they're almost sharing the same pillow and Josh's face was a little blurry.
"Did you get it?" Josh asked and Drake noticed the hitch in his voice. He could see Josh look at his lips and he felt Josh's warm breath on his chin as he took in a breath and a shallow prayer of his own before he actually went through with it.
"Almost."
Pressing their lips together, Drake tried to be as soft as he could. He swore that his lungs had all but stopped working, that everything in his body hit a giant pause button for an achingly long moment until Josh responded and they were moving their lips together; sort of a kiss, sort of a feeling each other out. Josh pulled away first and looked at him with wide eyes that made Drake want to die inside.
"You...you kissed me."
"Yeah." What else could he say?
"On purpose?"
"Yeah."
"You're messing with me, right?"
Drake shook his head. Josh's eyes had gone from wide to normal and he looked more like he was trying to process what had just happened instead of pushing Drake away. So Drake took his chances, looped his hand around the back of the other boy's neck and pulled him forward to show him how serious he was. There was more pressure this time and Drake allowed his body to line up with Josh's; a flick of someone's tongue and through his haze, Drake heard a faint groan that wasn't his and it made his insides melt. Kissing Josh was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before, he was pretty sure. He finally dug his fingers into the inky black curls that played at the nape of Josh's neck and felt how soft they were; his imagination hadn't done them justice. He wanted to taste the skin there and he moved his mouth over the strong line of Josh's jaw before burying himself into the curve of his neck.
"Drake...Drake, how'd you know?"
"Know what?" he asked, his words sinking into the grooved collar of Josh's t-shirt.
"That I, uh...felt, um...you know..."
Drake heard the stammering, the uhs, the ums, and dealt with it the only way he knew how. He kept moving with lips grazing over skin in time with the rhythm of Josh's breathing and the ever present ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom, like his heart was gearing up for a particularly intense drum solo or something. Drake hovered as close to Josh's mouth without actually touching; teasing with warm breath, taunting with a mischievous glance. He doesn't miss the flicker of desire in the blue eyes staring back at him and in a searing flash of a moment, Josh pulled them together; if he hadn't already been drunk, Drake surely would've been intoxicated by the headiness of the kiss, inebriated by the languid swipes of tongue.
--
It was all hazy memories after that. Shirts had been cast to the floor, the sheets were rumpled. A series of moans and groans, touches, tastes, and everything in between sort of filtered in to Drake's head as he slowly woke up the next morning, bleary eyed with a slamming headache. Stupid wine.
Rubbing his face, Drake realized that the room seemed awful quiet without the sound of Josh's snoring. Dropping his hands to his chest, he saw that the other side of the bed was empty. A quick scan of the room revealed emptiness too.
"Josh?"
Nothing.
Drake threw the plaid comforter back and got out of bed, adjusting his jeans and buttoned them to close as he did so. The alarm clock read noon and he remembered that Josh's flight was for 10 AM. He muttered a few choice words under his breath as he tore down the hallway, down the stairs, and burst into the kitchen. Audrey was tossing the ingredients for a salad and Megan was helping, but she took the time to give her brother a questioning look.
"You look terrible," Megan stated while handing Audrey a tomato.
"Mom, where's Josh?" Drake asked, ignoring her as he crossed his arms over his bare chest.
"Probably about an hour into his flight," Audrey answered, easily slicing through the tomato. "You knew he was leaving for college today."
"Well, yeah, but I wanted to go to the airport with him. I can't believe he would just leave like that!"
"Josh told us you guys said your goodbyes last night," Audrey informed him.
"Yeah and we all know how much you love your beauty sleep," Megan added, smirking.
"I can't believe you guys didn't wake me," he grumbled. "Josh is leaving for the other side of the country, which is like 300 miles away! Don't you think I would've gone to the airport?" He didn't stick around for the answer as he turned on his heel and walked back toward the staircase.
"Try three thousand miles," Megan bellowed after him.
"Whatever!"
--
Closing the blue door behind him, Drake slid against the wood until he was sitting on the bedroom floor and feeling completely lost. Looking around, the room was more or less the same but the emptiness felt cloying and he had to do something. He pulled out his phone and as if on autopilot, he called Josh because Josh would know what to do about the emptiness. Josh would know how to make him laugh and Josh would know what story would make him feel better and Josh would know that what Drake really needed right now was...well, Josh.
The mechanical voice on the voicemail sounded grating and Drake shut the phone and threw it toward the couch; not really mad, just frustrated. Last night was amazing (he's pretty sure) but confusing (he's absolutely sure) and it was definitely all his fault (of course).
I need you more than you need me.
--
part two