k-pop; the weight of the world (i'll lift it for you) 1/5
Title: The Weight of the World (I’ll Lift it For You)
Pairing: Chanyeol/Jongin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Struggling between two jobs and trying to find something better isn’t easy for Chanyeol, but in light of everything, he’s just glad he has Jongin. Even if Jongin doesn’t know how much Chanyeol is in love with him.
Author’s Note: 44007 words. So I was inspired by this prompt on EPM and somehow the fic turned into……..this. Yeah, I don’t know how it happened either. But I’ve been working on this basically all summer and I am happy with it; it was fun and challenging but I enjoyed writing it a lot. To the OP, thank you for your inspiring prompt - it might not be quite what you were looking for, but if you do read this, I hope you enjoy it!
To Alex, thank you for reading this over and giving me so many ideas and just encouraging me every time I was stuck. ♥ To Ang, Jay and Lonio, the most wonderful kaiyeol corner, thank you for your support and cheerleading!! ♥ Extra thanks to Jay for betaing this too!! You're a star. ☆
Chanyeol wakes up at the crack of dawn, blindly fumbling for his phone to shut off the alarm. He’s not entirely sure when he set it to play Jason Derulo’s Talk Dirty, brows furrowing in confusion as he recognizes the lyrics, but he has a few guesses as to who probably did. He glances beside him but there’s no Jongin in bed with him tonight. It’s not that Jongin is supposed to be, rather that lately he’s crawled in beside him claiming it’s comfier and that the sun doesn’t rise from Chanyeol’s side so he can sleep in longer.
They’re pretty silly excuses and Chanyeol teases Jongin that if he wants to sleep with him, he just has to ask, but once Jongin pushed him off the bed and he keeps his thoughts to himself. He likes having Jongin there, curled up into his chest, so he doesn’t want to ruin a good thing he wouldn’t really have otherwise.
He drags himself out of bed with a groan, stretching his arms over his head, and grabs clothes for work before heading to shower. The door to Jongin’s room is shut but there’s light still on down the hall which he knows he turned off before he went to bed last night. Chanyeol sighs, hoping that doesn’t drastically affect their electricity bills, and goes to shut it off so he feels better about it.
He doesn’t expect to find Jongin asleep with his head pillowed on an arm on the coffee table. There are a bunch of newspapers open underneath him and when Chanyeol looks closer he realizes they’re classified ads. His stomach lurches a little, glancing down at his roommate’s face, soft in sleep, and really hopes Jongin’s looking for another job not because he got laid off but because he just wants something better.
Taking in the way Jongin fell asleep like this really doesn’t give Chanyeol too much hope for the latter.
It’s a Wednesday morning so Chanyeol knows Jongin only works at the chicken place today and his shift isn’t until after noon. He sets his clothes onto the couch so he can gently shake Jongin awake. His tendency to fall asleep anywhere usually leads to being a little cranky when he wakes up with a hundred kinks everywhere and that’s never good for his shifts at the dance studio.
“Jonginnie,” Chanyeol says softly, pushing back the bangs from his face and shaking his shoulder. “C’mon, get up.”
Jongin makes an adorable ruffled noise at being woken, his eyes fluttering open and shut a few times before he seems to realize Chanyeol is crouched down before him. “Hyung?” he croaks out and then swallows. “What time is it?”
“Fucking early,” Chanyeol laughs. “I’m getting ready for work. You should go sleep in your bed.”
Jongin blinks again, glancing around him and then down. He stares at the newspapers and his face visibly falls. Chanyeol bites his lower lip. They’ll probably have to talk about this, but later.
“Come on,” Chanyeol says, standing and tugging at Jongin’s arm. Jongin gets up without much protest, and Chanyeol places a hand on each of his shoulders and marches him toward his room. Jongin is still dressed in clothes from yesterday so he pulls at his shirt to get his attention and Jongin easily removes it. Chanyeol glances at the floor when he undoes his jeans and steps out of them and only looks back when he hears the slight creak of the bed. “Get some real sleep, okay?” he tells him, patting Jongin’s head.
Jongin nods, his hair flopping into his eyes and making him seem like a little puppy. It’s too cute, too early in the morning. “Have a good day at work,” Jongin murmurs, already falling back into slumber. “Will you be able to meet me for lunch before my shift?”
“I’ll text you,” Chanyeol says and he looks around the floor to pick up Jongin’s jeans. He grabs his phone from the pocket and types in the passcode easily. He sets his alarm for him, to make sure he gets up. “Sleep,” he says finally, setting the phone on the bedside table.
“Okay,” Jongin says and he reaches out to lightly touch Chanyeol’s wrist before letting his arm flop over the edge of the bed.
Chanyeol stares at him for a second longer before he turns and walks out of the room. He can’t be late for work.
♦
Chanyeol wishes a lot of things in his life could be different. That he didn’t have to juggle two low-paying jobs just to get by. That he didn’t have to work such awful shifts. That he wasn’t always worried about making the rent on time. That he could just walk into his favorite music store and buy the guitar he’s been eyeing for months instead of waiting patiently for when he has enough saved up. He wishes his apartment could be a little bigger, and that he could give up the coffee from the shop around the corner so he wasn’t wasting money on it every morning, and even that the small table in the kitchen would finally break and they’d be forced to buy another one.
Despite all that Chanyeol wants to change, there’s one thing that makes everything bearable. One thing - one person - that makes it okay. For anything in the world, he would never not want Jongin.
They’d been vague acquaintances since high school, with a shared group of friends and similar interests. Chanyeol thought Jongin was quiet, a little too shy and slow to open up to people. He stuck around Sehun, back then, and Zitao, but he would always give Chanyeol pretty smiles and ask him questions about math assignments during lunch. It wasn’t until university, that they became much better friends. Actual friends. Chanyeol gets teamed up with Sehun for a semester-long project and spends enough time in Sehun and Jongin’s dorm room that he gets used to the way Jongin looks perpetually sleepy or procrastinates his homework by reading and rereading volumes of One Piece.
They end up sharing meals together, meeting up after classes to study in one of the private rooms in the library, and Jongin laughs at Chanyeol’s dumb jokes like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard and Jongin edits all his literature papers and leaves little characters drawn into the margins. He’s still shy and so easily embarrassed, but he’s let Chanyeol in much more than in high school and Chanyeol is more than happy with the progression. He likes having a lot of friends, and he’s always wanted to be Jongin’s friend, ever since he first met him in the high school cafeteria and Jongin had been half-asleep on Baekhyun’s shoulder.
That was all years ago and so much has changed since then and Chanyeol’s friendship with Jongin has only gotten stronger. They move in together during Chanyeol’s senior year, fitting in all their belongings into a cramped two-bedroom apartment close enough to the university and the dance studio Jongin helps out at whenever he’s not buried under essays and research. It’s a great match, because Chanyeol likes taking care of people and Jongin is a little hopeless at anything domesticated. Chanyeol cooks, and Jongin washes up. Chanyeol cleans around the apartment, and Jongin brings back his favorite food to make up for it. Chanyeol watches the news on television, and Jongin climbs onto the couch after he gets home and falls asleep with his head in Chanyeol’s lap.
There’s nothing that makes Chanyeol happier than having Jongin in his life. They’ve both been out of school for three years now and things aren’t easy. It was hard, for either of them to get the job that they wanted, and they’ve had to settle for whatever they could get to pay the rent, to stay together, because that’s become practically an unspoken agreement. They could handle anything, as long as they’re together.
At least, that’s what Chanyeol thinks. As long as Jongin is beside him, he could take on the world.
♦
Jongin doesn’t get home until late in the evening and Chanyeol passes out on the couch as he waits up for him. It’s only when Jongin undoubtedly climbs up onto him and presses his face into the crook of Chanyeol’s neck does he blearily wake, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “Hey,” he says softly, mouth feeling all cottony from his nap. “Welcome home.”
Jongin just groans into his skin and Chanyeol laughs, only to end up yawning halfway. “Long day?” he asks Jongin, letting his arms wrap around his back. He’s so warm and even though the smell of fast food lingers on his clothes, he feels really nice, pressed against Chanyeol like this.
“It wasn’t terrible,” he mumbles, “but I spent my breaks looking for a new job so I’m exhausted anyway.”
Chanyeol sighs. “I saw,” he says, “this morning.” He rubs Jongin’s back. “What happened?”
Jongin shifts against Chanyeol’s chest, turning his face so he can speak more clearly. “My boss at the music store is such a bitch. She’s always on my case about being late even though I’ve told her like a hundred times not to schedule me at that time when it takes so long to get over there after my shift at the chicken place.” He groans and pulls himself up suddenly, running a hand through his hair and frowning down at Chanyeol who only wants to draw him back. He doesn’t, though, just stares back and waits for Jongin to continue. “It’s like she was creating a reason to fire me,” he says and then shrugs. “Whatever. That job sucked. I’m glad I can look for something else.”
“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol says, reaching out to ruffle Jongin’s already tousled hair some more. He shakes his head and smiles at him, a little tired but honest, and Chanyeol knows he’ll be okay. “Maybe you should ask Hyukjae-hyung about taking on another class at the studio until you find something else?”
Jongin’s face lights up. “That’s a good idea,” he says, climbing off the couch so he can easily pull his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll leave him a message right now.”
He rushes off into his room at that and Chanyeol sighs again, stretching the length of the couch before letting himself roll off and to his feet. He rubs the back of his neck, working out a few of the lingering kinks, and heads into the kitchen for something to eat because he slept right through dinner.
“Jongin?” he calls, pulling open the fridge and checking through the few tupperware of leftovers. “Did you eat already?”
“No!” he shouts back and Chanyeol frowns in the direction of his room. He probably skipped his meals in favor of looking up new jobs instead.
“I’ll make something then,” Chanyeol says loud enough that Jongin will be able to hear him. There’s some remaining spaghetti from a few nights ago that Chanyeol takes out in case Jongin wants that instead, and he turns on the stove to make himself a quick omelette instead because nothing much sounds as appetizing.
Jongin wanders in sometime later, fresh out of the shower and dressed in just a pair of loose-fitted shorts. His wet hair drips down his shoulders and Chanyeol has to remind himself to look away.
“Ooh, spaghetti,” Jongin says. “Can I have it?”
“Go for it,” Chanyeol responds without turning to him. He hears Jongin popping it into the microwave and then he’s sliding up onto the counter beside the stove and smiling at Chanyeol. Chanyeol quirks a brow in amusement, pretends to poke him with the wooden spoon in his hand. Jongin laughs, squirming to the side, and childishly kicks his feet out to retaliate. He’s so cute like this. “For someone who just got fired, you sure are happy.”
Jongin grins, shrugs. “Like I said, it was a crap job,” he replies. He tilts his head slightly and gives Chanyeol such an assessing look that Chanyeol feels a little nervous. “Besides,” he says, straightening up again and fluffing at his damp bangs. “when I’m home with you it’s hard to be sad.”
Chanyeol’s heart does a strange spastic thing in his chest at that and he has to turn his attention back to the stove. His omelette is done, so he shuts off the heat and sets the pan to the side and picks a plate off the drying rack beside the sink. “And you call me sappy all the time,” he says, finally, when he’s found his voice and the urge to look at Jongin and want to kiss him fades away, back.
“Because you are,” Jongin laughs, jumping off the counter and patting Chanyeol’s ass lightly. He stops the microwave just before it starts to beep and pulls out the container, hissing at the heat.
“Careful,” Chanyeol chides, catching Jongin pouting, and hands him a potholder from the drawer next to him. Jongin smiles at him gratefully and after grabbing a fork from another drawer, he retreats to the living room to eat.
Chanyeol slides his own omelette onto a plate and cleans up a bit around the kitchen before Jongin calls out, “C’mon, hyung, what’re you doing?”
Chuckling softly, Chanyeol tosses the dishcloth onto the counter and grabs his plate. “Nothing, nothing,” he says and heads over to join Jongin on the couch. Jongin presses in close like normal, but today, especially after what Jongin said earlier, it has Chanyeol’s heart beating a little faster. Jongin’s watching some cartoon show on the TV that Chanyeol hasn’t seen before, but he couldn’t really care less what they watch. Just being together like this, that’s what really matters, and seeing Jongin laughing and happy, that’s more important than anything.
It’s nice, he thinks, to know that Jongin feels the same way, even if it’s not quite the way Chanyeol hopes he did.
He’ll take what he can get, and having Jongin beside him is more than anything he’s ever needed.
♦
“I heard Jongin lost his job,” Kyungsoo says by way of greeting when Chanyeol slides into the booth at a small ramyeon place just a block from where Chanyeol has his radio gig every night. “Are you guys okay?”
Chanyeol smiles and waves a hand at him. “We’re great,” he says and even when Kyungsoo narrows his eyes at him, looking menacing in his pressed, black suit and coiffed hair. He’d taken a break from long day of meetings to meet with Chanyeol for a late dinner, something they try to do every week because Chanyeol complains Kyungsoo never wants to see him otherwise. “Really,” he insists, after their waiter stops by to get their orders. “Jongin’s taking on another class at the studio for now, and we might be a little strapped, but I’m gonna talk to Minseok-hyung and see if I can take on extra shifts at the cafe.”
Kyungsoo frowns at him like that’s not a good enough answer. He doesn’t say that, though, just gives Chanyeol this sort of look and waits for him to break down. Chanyeol won’t, because he’s used to this, from Kyungsoo. From Junmyeon, too, and his sister, and it’s mostly because they don’t seem to understand. It’s okay, for Chanyeol, that things are tough. He doesn’t expect things to be easy. After doing his utmost best in university and not getting accepted to any of the companies he applied to, he understands the struggle all too well. And he’s happy, to have Jongin at his side so they can get through the mess together.
Chanyeol ends up winning their staring contest when their food arrives and Kyungsoo lets out a heavy sigh, picking up chopsticks and pulling his bowl closer to him. “Fine,” he says, “I’ll let it go. For now.”
Chanyeol slurps up some noodles before he grins. “Careful, Kyungsoo,” he says, “or people might start thinking you care.”
Kyungsoo kicks him, hard, under the table and smirks around his mouthful of food as Chanyeol whines. He’s distracted when his phone beeps on the table, and he finds a message from Jongin.
did u really make food for me but go out to eat w/ kyungsoo?
Chanyeol smiles at the text. He’d been bored, and Jongin has been doing that thing where he lives off of too many take out meals from the chicken place, so he’d whipped up a quick chicken pasta for him to have when he gets back home. Chanyeol already had his plans with Kyungsoo, so it seemed like a good idea. He types back a quick Yes :D.
i could’ve made something myself!! or brought food back! :<
Instant ramyeon isn’t a meal, Jongin. And you should cut back on all the take out anyway. Chanyeol types. He can feel Kyungsoo staring at him and he’ll probably complain about Chanyeol dragging him out just to ignore him. Besides, I don’t mind cooking for you. So just eat and don’t complain.
Jongin’s reply doesn’t come for a few minutes, giving Chanyeol just enough time to enjoy a few more mouthfuls of his ramyeon and for Kyungsoo to glare at him across the table.
you’re the best
this is so good!! (っ˘ڡ˘ς) (っ˘ڡ˘ς) (っ˘ڡ˘ς)
thanks hyung ♡
tell kyungsoo i said hi
Chuckling softly, Chanyeol shakes his head and sets his phone aside. “Jongin says hi,” he tells Kyungsoo who rolls his eyes.
“Ah, of course it was Jongin,” he says before he takes a sip of his water. He sets down the glass and adds, giving Chanyeol a very pointed look, “How is that going?”
Chanyeol doesn’t meet his eyes, focuses instead on another mouthful of his meal. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says after he swallows.
“Don’t you?” Kyungsoo says, raising a brow. He picks up a piece of meat from his bowl and pops it into his mouth as Chanyeol tries to make sure to keep his expression as impassive as possible. When Chanyeol chooses not to say anything, Kyungsoo adds, “There isn’t any point in pretending to hide it from me, you know. Not when it’s so obvious. Especially not when you practically confessed the whole thing over drinks two years ago.”
“It’s not like that,” Chanyeol says, but it comes out as more of a whine. He vaguely remembers that night but Kyungsoo never brought it up so he assumed Kyungsoo had forgotten, which was just fine with him because Chanyeol doesn’t...This is something he never wants to talk about, even with Kyungsoo who knows Chanyeol the best. If he talks about it, it becomes real and Chanyeol can’t have that. “We’re just friends, Kyungsoo.”
“It’s okay that you like him,” Kyungsoo starts and Chanyeol flinches back. Suddenly he doesn’t feel as hungry anymore, his stomach rolling unpleasantly as he thinks about Jongin and how adorable he’d looked that morning, curled up against Chanyeol in bed, and how he’d danced around the kitchen and made breakfast, and coaxed Chanyeol into dancing with him. Chanyeol thinks about how he just likes having Jongin in his life and about how much he wants more.
“I know it’s okay, that’s not the issue,” Chanyeol says finally. He sighs and pulls off his cap, runs his hand through his hair a few times before fitting it back on. “I just don’t want anything to change, okay?”
Kyungsoo doesn’t seem convinced by this but he thankfully decides not to press. “If that’s what you want,” he says, even though his voice suggests he thinks Chanyeol is an idiot. Maybe he is, but he’d rather be an idiot than to jeopardize what he and Jongin already have.
“It is,” Chanyeol says firmly. He grins up at Kyungsoo and when Kyungsoo just stares back, he laughs and adds, “So what about you and Junmyeon? Has anyone figured out that you’re fucking your boss?”
“If they did, they’ll regret ever bringing it up,” Kyungsoo says easily, and Chanyeol laughs because he knows Kyungsoo means it.
“So cruel,” he says and Kyungsoo just smirks before conversation switches to him complaining about Junmyeon and work. Chanyeol listens dutifully because it’s much better than their previous topic, which still has him a little unsettled. He’s been doing a good job, lately, keeping that away from the forefront of his mind, but now it’s returned, and he’ll have to work to push it back all over again.
They finish up eating and chatting for awhile longer, until Chanyeol needs to head over to work and Kyungsoo needs to go back and make sure everyone wasn’t slacking on his break. He grabs Chanyeol’s hand and twists his fingers when he tries to pay for himself, and Chanyeol whines until he lets go and pays for them both.
“Take care of yourself,” Kyungsoo says when they make it to the crosswalk. Chanyeol grins widely and slings an arm around his shoulders to drag him in close.
“Come visit us sometime big-shot,” Chanyeol says once Kyungsoo has bodily shoved him away and smooths down the front of his suit, glaring at him.
“We’ll see,” Kyungsoo says but he smiles at Chanyeol before darting down the street and Chanyeol watches him go before turning and heading in the opposite direction. It’s going to be a long night, but he’s in a good mood and he hopes the night will go by quickly.
♦
Jongin picks up an afternoon beginner kids’ class at the dance studio after his job at the music store ends. “It’s lucky that Yunho-hyung has to move for his new job,” Jongin told Chanyeol once he’d found out. “Hyukjae-hyung needed someone to take over that class anyway. I’d much rather be teaching dance than working at that stupid store.”
“See? Things always happen for a reason,” Chanyeol replied and ruffled Jongin’s hair until he squawked and shoved him away.
Chanyeol finishes up a double shift at the cafe with enough time to head over to the studio and meet Jongin so they can head home together. He’s there a little early today, but he’s been here enough times that Hyukjae doesn’t mind if he comes in and watches. He finds Jongin’s class easily, just over in the second room, slightly smaller and nearly packed with little kids who are laughing as they trip over feet and try to copy the moves that Jongin showed them.
“Come on, you guys can do it,” he hears Jongin say before he sees him, and he wanders through the open door to the corner where there are a few parents waiting, too. He sees Jongin now, dressed in one of his usual loose sweatpants and a tank top that seems to reveal more skin than it covers up. His hair is pushed underneath a backwards cap - one of Chanyeol’s, he notices when Jongin turns around and he can see the ILLEGAL written on the front - and his collarbones shine with sweat.
Chanyeol shuffles into the corner and watches as Jongin helps up a small boy who had fallen, smiling at him so brightly and giving his hair a quick ruffle. He doesn’t get to see Jongin with kids very often, unless one of his sisters needs an emergency baby sitter, and since Lu Han’s little girl is a terror just like her father they don’t offer to watch her very often. So it’s nice, watching him like this. And Jongin loves to dance, even if it’s showing off the most basic of steps to some kids that seem like they’re still struggling to stand properly on two feet.
Jongin doesn’t notice Chanyeol until the very end, when he’s wrapping things up and glancing over to the parents present to make sure they encourage their kids to practice at home. That’s when he sees Chanyeol, and he pauses for a brief second in surprise, before he’s grinning even wider and turning away to finish his little speech.
Chanyeol stays back when Jongin finishes, watches as he talks with a few kids directly and his silly, high-pitched laugh fills up the room as a few of the more energetic ones try to jump up onto his back and give him hugs. He meets with some of the parents, too, and Chanyeol can’t really hear much from the corner but he can see how happy he looks, eyes curved into crescents and mouth stretched into a never-ending smile. A young mother seems intent on flirting, with the way she lightly touches Jongin’s elbow and leans into his space a bit, her son bouncing around at their feet. Jongin just laughs at whatever she says and Chanyeol knows he’s embarrassed by the way he rubs the back of his neck but he smirks coolly at her, the way he knows makes him look hotter, and Chanyeol has to turn away, then, pulling his phone from his pocket and fiddling with it until Jongin is done.
It doesn’t take much longer; the chatter dies down as everyone files out of the room and then Jongin is sliding against the wall next to Chanyeol and bumping his left shoulder with his right. “Hey, you,” he says, peering over his shoulder where Chanyeol is typing up a message to Baekhyun. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”
“Surprise,” Chanyeol says with a laugh, tucking his phone away once he’s sent the text. He turns to Jongin with a big grin and Jongin returns it. “I figured I’d come get you and we could stop for groceries before heading home.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jongin agrees and he picks up his small gym bag and slings it over his shoulder before leading the way out of the studio.
“You’re going to get sick like that,” Chanyeol says, pulling at a thin sleeve of Jongin’s tank top.
Jongin laughs, darting away and onto the street. “It’s like 90 degrees out, hyung,” he says with a roll of his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Chanyeol just hums thoughtfully, wishing he didn’t feel the need for Jongin to cover up just because it’s distracting. Jongin doesn’t care, so Chanyeol shouldn’t either. He clears his throat and falls into step beside him, says, “You looked like you were having fun back there.”
“I love this class,” Jongin says, like it wasn’t obvious from how enthusiastic he was with the kids. “The kids are so cute and they really want to learn. It’s fun, teaching them.” He glances at Chanyeol and slowly smirks, nudges him with an elbow. “It’d be the perfect class for you, too, hyung, if you wanted to brush up on your dancing skills.”
“Right, because that’s on the top of my to-do-list,” Chanyeol says solemnly and the way Jongin snickers behind a hand has him grinning. They stop by a Family Mart near the apartment and carefully fill up a basket with the things they most need. Jongin sneaks in a bag of his favorite chips and Chanyeol gives him a little pinch in the small of his back but doesn’t remove the package. Chanyeol pays as Jongin shoves everything into plastic bags and Chanyeol has to remind him to be careful about the eggs.
“I’m not a little kid,” Jongin pouts at him as they leave and Chanyeol pulls at his plush lower lip and raises a brow at him as if to say, Really? Jongin swats his hand away and laughs and Chanyeol feels good, happy. It’s sticky hot outside and he had a long, annoying day at work this morning, but being with Jongin always makes him feel better, even if they’re doing something as menial a task as buying groceries.
Jongin wanders off to shower when they get back to the apartment, sneakily leaving Chanyeol alone to deal with putting the groceries away. With that all taken care of easily, Chanyeol thinks he should probably take a nap before his radio show tonight. He didn’t the other day and it was hard, staying awake through the late-night program.
He strips out of his jeans and climbs into bed, taps up a quick alarm on his phone to make sure he gets up in time. He doesn’t hear Jongin slide into bed with him after his shower, but he’s there when Chanyeol wakes up at his alarm starts blaring that song again, an arm thrown over Chanyeol’s waist and pressed in close. Chanyeol sighs, slumping back and closing his eyes for a moment and wishing this could all mean something different but knowing it’s not worth the risk.
♦
Baekhyun likes to throw these parties every once in awhile like they’re all still in college and not adults who go to bed at 10PM instead of four in the morning. “I’m too cute to be called an adult yet,” he says, and he says the word adult like it’s a disease. It’s funny, considering Baekhyun’s one of the most successful people Chanyeol knows, with a knack at speaking and drawing people’s attention, he works in sales for a pretty big company and does really well for himself.
But Chanyeol’s not one to complain about how Baekhyun wants to stay young and relive the dream years (Baekhyun’s words, not his). Chanyeol wouldn’t mind going back to those times either, when his dreams felt big but also attainable, just out of his reach. When he didn’t have a hundred and one things to worry about constantly.
It’s a warm day in July when Chanyeol goes over, a box of some of Baekhyun’s favorite sweets in his hands. “If you fuckers come, it better not be empty-handed,” is what Baekhyun always puts in the emails, but everyone knows by now that if they show up late enough, Baekhyun’s usually so drunk he forgets. It’s how Jongdae’s gotten by every year.
“Hey man, long time no see,” Baekhyun greets Chanyeol at the door and grins widely at the box when Chanyeol hands it over. “You sure know the way to a guy’s heart. Sehun brought a bag of banana milk.”
Chanyeol laughs because that’s not surprising in the least. “You should update your requirement to state: must spend more than ten thousand won for entry.”
Baekhyun pats his back, shoving him into the apartment. “Good plan,” he says, “but then Sehun might not come at all.”
“Now that would be a tragedy.”
“I heard that!” Sehun snaps from the couch where he and Jongin are playing video games on Baekhyun’s giant television.
Chanyeol just pats Sehun’s head as he passes by. He glances at Jongin but he’s wrapped up in the game, so he follows Baekhyun to the kitchen to get himself something to drink. Chanyeol isn’t too big on alcohol but it’s been awhile and he doesn’t have to get up at dawn tomorrow, so he indulges in some cocktail Baekhyun hands him. It burns a bit, but it’s good, and he leans against the counter to sip at it slowly, glancing around the apartment. Not everyone is there yet, but Chanyeol knows Kyungsoo won’t make it because of work and Junmyeon is out of town. Lu Han said he’d come if he and Jia could find someone to watch Mei. Amber is out on the balcony with Sunyoung and Zitao, and Taeyeon is helping Baekhyun in the kitchen.
Chanyeol glances at her and then Baekhyun and smirks around the rim of his glass. “Still no ring, noona?”
Taeyeon laughs while Baekhyun whips around to glare at him. “Nope,” she says with a bit of a long-suffering sigh. “I’m thinking I should just propose to him.”
“Well, we all know you run this relationship anyway,” Chanyeol agrees with a nod and Taeyeon gives him a pretty smile. “Baekhyun clearly doesn’t have the balls--”
“I’m gonna kill you,” Baekhyun says, nearly dropping a plate of appetizers in favor of lunging toward Chanyeol with his hands outstretched. He doesn’t get very far before Taeyeon grabs the back of his shirt and stops him in place and Baekhyun’s pulling at the collar of his shirt where it’s pressing uncomfortably into his neck instead. “But babe--”
“Don’t babe me,” she says, letting him go finally and ignoring Baekhyun’s wheeze as she thrusts the plate back into his hands. “Go be a good host.” She pats his ass as he leaves and he leers at her over his shoulder before he disappears out of the kitchen. A few seconds later, Chanyeol hears a clatter and, “Come eat you bitches!” hollered from the living room.
Taeyeon sighs next to him as Chanyeol bursts out into laughter. He downs the rest of his drink and grabs one of the banana milk cartons from the counter. “I’m gonna go before he comes back and does try to kill me,” he says, gesturing toward the balcony and Taeyeon waves him off with a cheerful, “Have fun!”
It’s a little too humid outdoors but they’re mostly in the shade. Amber and Sunyoung are in deep discussion about something and Zitao instantly grabs Chanyeol’s arm and pulls him down to sit next to him on the floor. Chanyeol laughs, “Hey,” amused, because Zitao hasn’t let go. He must’ve already had a drink or two, but Zitao is clingy on most days so it’s hard to tell. He looks good, like always, dressed in sleek, dark jeans and a printed shirt that Chanyeol’s seen in ads. He pokes at his chest and says, “How is your line going?”
Zitao grins at him, lighting up his face even though he’s wearing sunglasses. “Great!” he says excitedly. “It was a huge hit. Better than I ever could’ve imagined.” He sits up straighter, proud, and Chanyeol pats his hand happily. Chanyeol’s seen Zitao’s clothing line on billboards and in magazines. He’s become a really popular, rookie designer in the past year.
Chanyeol remembers clearly how much time Zitao spent sketching outfit ideas into his notebooks instead of actual notes and how he would make sure he looked his best even if it was just a short trip to the nearest bubble tea shop. After all, they dated for about five months during Chanyeol’s second year and Chanyeol can’t forget things like that, even now. It’d been before Chanyeol realized bit by bit how interested he was in Jongin, or maybe being with Zitao had made his hidden crush even more obvious. He did really like Zitao though, and they had a good run, despite the occasional bump because they’re a lot alike. Zitao wants someone to pay attention to him but he so craves his independence and his dreams never seemed to have room enough for Chanyeol.
None of that is important now though. Now Chanyeol is glad he still has a friend in Zitao and that Zitao is achieving his dream. It makes him proud, too.
“I’m glad things are working out for you,” he says. He reaches out to pull lightly on one of Zitao’s earrings, the way he used to years ago, and laughs at how Zitao squawks and nudges him back.
“Thanks,” Zitao says after a moment, leaning into Chanyeol. “It hasn’t been easy, but things are really good.” He looks up at Chanyeol and Chanyeol is tempted to yank his sunglasses off because he can never tell quite what Zitao’s thinking behind it, but then he says, “If there’s anything you want from the line, let me know. I’ll get it made specifically for you.”
Chanyeol smirks. “I didn’t know I still got special treatment.”
“I’m just being nice,” Zitao huffs. “You know me, the nicest.”
“Right, nice,” Chanyeol humors him. “Up there with self-absorbed and whiny, your other two best traits.”
Zitao pushes at him again but he’s laughing and this is nice. It’s been awhile since Chanyeol’s seen him, but they always fall back into the same sort of pattern and it feels good, today. “You can add mean to your list,” Zitao says. “I take it back, you can’t have anything.”
“Who’s being mean now?” Chanyeol points out and Zitao pouts at him. He chuckles and bumps Zitao’s shoulder with his own. “You don’t have to give me anything, it’s no big deal.”
“I know that,” Zitao says. “But I want to.” He pauses, assessing, and then adds, “Or, if you’d rather, you can help me get Sehun to agree to model for me. I keep asking but he keeps saying he has to focus on his ~studies~.”
“Well, he does.”
“But he’d be so good!!” Zitao wails and Chanyeol pats his knee. “You would be, too, now that I think about it.” He gives Chanyeol a very slow, very careful once-over that has Chanyeol a little embarrassed. “We’d have to work on your facial expressions, but--”
“I don’t want to be a model, Zitao,” Chanyeol laughs. “But thanks for the offer.”
Zitao purses his lips thoughtfully before he shrugs. “Your loss,” he says, “but if you ever change your mind, you know, if you need the help--Let me know.”
He’s not really looking at Chanyeol as he says it but Chanyeol knows what he really means. Everyone of his friends worries too damn much, he thinks, even if it makes him happy just as much as it wears him down.
Before he can tell Zitao that he will, there’s a short knock against the door frame and Jongin halfway steps out onto the balcony. “Baekhyun-hyung wanted everyone to--” He cuts himself off suddenly, eyes widening a bit as he looks from the girls to Zitao and Chanyeol on the floor, taking in how Zitao is leaning into Chanyeol and their arms are still linked from when Zitao first pulled him down. He pauses, staring, and only jerks back into motion when Zitao pinches him, laughing.
“Oh, uh, sorry,” Jongin says, flushing. He meets Chanyeol’s gaze for a second before darting away, over to the railing and Chanyeol furrows his brows in concern. “Baekhyun-hyung said there’s food and that we all have to go play song-byung-ho. No one is exempt.”
“Why does he love that game so much?” Amber questions aloud, rolling her eyes, but she and Sunyoung dutifully head back inside.
“Guess we better go back, too, then,” Chanyeol says and Zitao sighs but lets him stand, raising his hands up for Chanyeol to pull him to his feet. Chanyeol laughs but does and Zitao grins at him before he ducks past Jongin through the door.
Jongin is still standing there and he is looking at Chanyeol now, plush lips pulled into a cute frown. Chanyeol ruffles his hair to get his attention, smiles down at him. “You okay?”
Jongin bites his lower lip and nods slowly, like he’s not actually sure that he is. He leans into Chanyeol’s touch instinctively, like a cat, and it makes Chanyeol’s smile widen. He’s so cute. “Haven’t talked to you at all since you got here,” Jongin says, still frowning.
Chanyeol tilts his head to the side. “I was right here,” he says. “Besides, I saw you like three hours ago.”
“But--” Jongin says only to cut himself off once again, maybe because of the way Chanyeol is staring at him, confused. He shakes his head, steps back, and Chanyeol’s hand falls away. “Never mind,” he says. “C’mon, let’s go play.” He smiles at Chanyeol and it’s not quite as bright as usual, but it’s better than the frown so Chanyeol smiles back and follows him inside.
♦
“Hey Chanyeol, I’m sorry to call you in like this on an off day,” Ryeowook says, sliding into his seat behind his office desk. “I thought you’d want to hear right away.”
Chanyeol doesn’t particularly like the sound of that, but he smiles and nods as he settles into the chair in front of the desk. “It’s fine, hyung. I was in the area anyway.” He and Jongin had been shopping, not really looking for anything but wanting to get out of the apartment while they were both free to hang out. He’d told Jongin to go home when he’d gotten the call and Jongin had waved goodbye before parting. “What’s up?”
“Things aren’t looking good with the ratings lately, Chanyeol,” Ryeowook says with a sigh and Chanyeol feels his heart slowly sink toward his stomach. “It hasn’t been easy, especially with our late night shows, and funding has been cut recently, on top of all that--”
“Are you canceling my show?” Chanyeol asks, point blank, and is impressed that his voice doesn’t crack.
Ryeowook shakes his head but the set to his jaw is tight, strained. He looks tired and Chanyeol, too, is feeling weighed down. “No, not...yet, at least,” he says. “I really like you, Chanyeol. I think you’re great at what you do, so this is sort of a...heads up, if you will.” He sighs again, runs a hand through his hair. “You’ve been running a lot of your own ideas but that might change. A lot of programs are being revamped and we’ll have to do that for you, but if things don’t turn around, it might, well. I think you understand.”
Chanyeol nods, his throat too dry to speak. He rubs his palms over his thighs, wonders what he’ll do now. He’s glad, that he’s not being fired entirely, but this job was one of the best things he had going for him, being able to host his own kind of show, play the kind of music he likes, talk about things he wanted. Sure, the hours weren’t ideal and he didn’t get that many callers or anything like that, but it was still fun, and he was glad he’d found something that wasn’t too strict with its reigns so Chanyeol could do different things as he came up with his own ideas. It hurts, knowing that he wasn’t doing well enough with it, but having to change everything because of it is almost more upsetting.
“I’ll do my best,” is all he says in the end, when Ryeowook asks if he’s still on board, because what else is there?
Jongin is waiting at home for him, lounging on the couch with a bag of chips and a book when Chanyeol gets in. “Hey,” he says, leaning his head back over the armrest and looking at Chanyeol upside down. “What was that about?”
Chanyeol shrugs one shoulder, not sure he even wants to bring it up to Jongin and give him something else to worry about. He passes by into the kitchen and a second later he hears Jongin follow. A warm hand grabs his elbow and Jongin is tugging at him, getting him to turn around, and when Chanyeol does, his eyes are set in concern.
“Tell me,” he says in an almost childishly demanding voice, like Chanyeol is keeping secrets about a schoolyard crush instead of just finding out he might lose his steady job.
Chanyeol sighs heavily, rubs a hand over his face and trudges up a gist of his conversation with Ryeowook and tries not to notice the way Jongin’s eyes flash with surprise, then panic, as realization sinks in.
“What the fuck,” Jongin says, bordering on angry but mostly disbelief, “they can’t just do that.”
Chanyeol chuckles. “They can,” he says. “But at least I wasn’t fired, you know. I just have to work harder, do as they say.” He shrugs. “It’s no big deal.” It isn’t, really, in the grand scheme of things, but knowing that if things don’t get better, having that looming over his head, makes things so much worse. It won’t be fun, going into work tomorrow night.
“It is a big deal,” Jongin says, shaking his arm a little. “You love that job, you love doing it your way.”
“My way wasn’t cutting it,” Chanyeol says, and he offers Jongin a small smile because he looks much more upset about this than Chanyeol feels now. “This isn’t like back in school, when I got away with stupid shit on the university radio station.” He laughs, reminded of the ridiculous stuff he and Jongdae always did then. It’d always been fun, even if they got into trouble sometimes by Kyuhyun. “I just have to adjust. So stop making that face.”
“I’m not making a face,” Jongin retorts and Chanyeol pinches both of his cheeks between his fingers until Jongin is laughing and stumbling away. His face falls again a second later and he steps back to Chanyeol. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Chanyeol’s not, not really, but he will be. “Yeah,” he tells Jongin, “don’t worry about me.”
“Of course I worry about you,” Jongin says, sounding a little offended at the implication and Chanyeol’s surprised by the vehemence in his voice. “You always try to be so strong, hyung, but you should let people worry about you.”
“I’m fine,” Chanyeol says, stepping back, because he doesn’t like talking about this, least of all with Jongin. He turns swiftly on his heel and opens the fridge, tries to think about what to make for dinner.
“You always say that, but I’m not so sure,” Jongin says, and he follows it up with a deep sigh. Chanyeol imagines him fussing with his bangs but he doesn’t turn to look. There’s silence, for awhile, then, and Chanyeol figures Jongin has left the kitchen entirely, but once he pulls out two containers and some bags of vegetables from the fridge and moves away, he sees that Jongin is still there, staring at him.
“What?” Chanyeol asks.
Jongin purses his lips, walks over to him and takes the containers from his hands, sets them onto the counter. He starts pulling them open and Chanyeol joins him, takes out a pan and sets it onto the stove. Chanyeol grabs the cutting board from beside the sink and a sharp knife, pulls out a few tomatoes from the bag.
“You should let me worry about you, Chanyeol,” Jongin says after a couple of minutes, his voice just loud enough over the steady chop-chop-chop of the knife against the cutting board. “We’re roommates, right?”
That pulls a small laugh from Chanyeol and he glances over at Jongin and nods. “We’re best friends,” he says, pushing back everything else, and Jongin beams at him. “I’m sorry.”
Jongin shakes his head and bumps him with his hip. Chanyeol grins, playfully tosses an end of the tomato at his face and Jongin’s shriek of laughter is enough to make him forget about the troubling things. They’ll be back, later, but for now, Chanyeol enjoys this.
♦
He’d said it to Jongin, when he’d managed to pick up a second class at the studio after he lost his job at the music store, that things always happen for a reason. Chanyeol doesn’t really believe in stuff like that, even if it’s nice, how sometimes it feels like maybe the world is looking out for him, and redirecting him whenever something doesn’t work out.
The news from Ryeowook is almost like a wake-up call, in some ways. It’s easy, to become complacent, to settle, especially when Chanyeol isn’t exactly unhappy with his life. Sure, things could be a lot better, but he’s got a roof over his head and food to eat and a roommate to share his life with, so things could also be a lot worse. But he’s remembered, with a jolt, that working at a coffee shop and struggling to keep a radio program afloat isn’t what he wants in life. It’s not what he wants for his future. His meeting with Ryeowook has reminded him, that he doesn’t want to settle.
Chanyeol hates job hunting. After his unfortunate results after graduation, he’d been pretty quickly discouraged and picking up the pieces of that now isn’t easy, either. It’s like he’s pushed aside the part of him that’s always been so interested in environmental sciences and wanting to work somewhere so he can really make a difference.
It’s not easy, but he has to do it. He brushes up his resume and gathers up extra materials and saves them all properly in a little folder on his laptop so he can get to it whenever he applies somewhere. He spends his breaks at the cafe researching for something else, something better, and even scrolls through the email alerts he gets on his phone whenever the shop is slow and Minseok isn’t around to scold him.
Not that Minseok minds too terribly, because he understands Chanyeol’s dilemma and is always encouraging him to do better, try harder. Put himself out there.
“It’s not like I’m trying to kick you out of here or anything,” he says when Chanyeol points it out one day, after Minseok catches him looking at his phone during a midday Thursday lull. Chanyeol had quickly pushed his phone away but Minseok just patted his shoulder and told him not to worry about it before handing him a dish towel and pointing toward the messiest table. “It’ll probably suck having to break in someone else as good as you.”
Chanyeol laughs, pleased. “I am awesome, I know,” he says and Minseok pretends to throw a half-eaten muffin left at the counter at him. "But don't worry, hyung, I'm not going anywhere for now."
"Pity," Minseok says with a shake of his head and Chanyeol just laughs again, good-naturedly.
It's a pretty slow day, but Chanyeol doesn't mind those. He sweeps up and keeps the front tidy and sings aloud to the music with Yixing when he comes in twenty minutes late as per usual. Minseok works on new recipes in the back and comes out occasionally to check on them and make them taste test. It's nice, when a customer comes in and settles at the counter and Chanyeol amiably chats with them unless it's clear they want to be left alone. Not all of them do, and Chanyeol enjoys being able to make friends with a few friends.
That's how they get regulars, the ones who stop by early in the morning for their daily fix and call them all by name. There's Gayeon from the martial arts studio down the street, Song Qian who stops by after her daily run for a latte and a blueberry muffin and shows Chanyeol recent pictures of her daughter, and then Sungwoo, who always has new music to recommend and ruffles Chanyeol’s hair kindly before he leaves. There are others, too, of course, ones that know Yixing a little better, or Minseok, too. It's probably what Chanyeol likes best about this job.
He's nearing the end of his shift when Jongin walks in with Sehun in tow, the two of them laughing over something before Chanyeol interrupts them with a cheerful greeting.
"Hey, hyung, how's it going?" Jongin asks, smiling at him prettily. His hair falls into his face, a little too long, and he brushes it back hastily with a hand. "Been slacking off all day, I'm sure."
Chanyeol mock gasps, places a hand over his chest. "I'm the perfect employee," he says haughtily. "Right, Minseok-hyung?"
"You're alright," he says with a shrug, earning Jongin and Sehun’s derisive laughter. Chanyeol’s about to bring up how Minseok didn't seem to want him to leave earlier, but figures it’s not worth the effort. Jongin's amused laughter is better anyway.
"What can I get you guys?" Chanyeol asks and they both squabble over choices for awhile until finally settling on something. Chanyeol rings them up and then goes off to make them while Sehun and Jongin find a table by the window to flop into.
"You're done soon right?" Jongin asks when he brings back their drinks. "Come join us for dinner."
"I don't know...I had plans, you see, with cooler friends," Chanyeol says exaggeratedly. "You can't just come in here and expect me to--"
"Please, you have no cool friends," Sehun scoffs, rolling his eyes. "We're the coolest friends you've got."
"You just want me to come so I pay for you," Chanyeol says, reaching out to slap at the bill of Sehun’s cap so it hides his face. Sehun pulls his hat back and grins up at him while Jongin laughs.
"So you're coming?" he asks before sucking on the straw of his iced coffee and Chanyeol stares at his mouth for the briefest of seconds before darting his eyes back up.
"Well, I wouldn't want you to beg."
Sehun coughs something that sounds like "Lies," and the back of Chanyeol’s neck feels suddenly hot. Jongin just looks at his friend in confusion but Sehun is sending a pointed stare toward Chanyeol who figures it’s in bad form to strangle someone who just paid for a drink.
"Finish your drinks. I'm gonna go work and I’ll be back soon," he says eventually, turning away from Sehun’s piercing stare. He knew he shouldn’t have ever told Sehun. Kyungsoo was bad enough.
Jongin waves as he leaves and Chanyeol tries not to let what Sehun implied get to him. It wasn’t even that terrible, really, and Jongin just seemed lost so it’s okay. He can breathe, he can let it go. Sehun is always like that, anyway, and Chanyeol is mostly used to it. It’s just that, for some reason, these things have become harder to ignore. He wonders if agreeing to dinner with both of them was a good idea.
They end up at a samgyeopsal place nearby and after a few drinks, both Sehun and Jongin are giggling and leaning into each other from across the table. Chanyeol is much more cautious, sipping slowly at his first and only bottle, while Sehun gets sloppier at cutting up meat on the grill. “You guys better watch it or I’ll just leave your drunk asses here,” Chanyeol says.
“You’d never,” Sehun accuses.
“Yeah, you like us too much,” Jongin adds, pointing a finger toward him and Chanyeol looks down at his hands. “Besides, we’re not that drunk. We’re not like Baekhyun or Yixing, so don’t worry, hyung!” He waves a hand at Chanyeol dismissively and Chanyeol shakes his head, an amused quirk to his lips.
“I’m only worried that I have to drag you back to the apartment,” he says, “I don’t give a fuck about Sehun.”
“Hey!”
Jongin laughs loudly at that while Sehun tosses a balled-up napkin in Chanyeol’s direction. It misses, by a lot, and falls sadly to the floor, and Chanyeol just snorts, bends to pick it up and set it to the side. “Come on, maknae,” he says, “do your job.” He gestures to the table and Sehun grumbles at him but dutifully cuts up a few more pieces of meat that they have left.
They hang around for awhile and it’s nice to spend time like this, leaving behind all the worries that have taken over Chanyeol lately. Sehun suggests playing sam-yuk-gu, but ends up losing every time, while Chanyeol, who is definitely the most sober one left, manages to win repeatedly.
“Unfair,” Jongin complains, “you’re both good at math and numbers and shit. I went to school for literature!”
Chanyeol laughs. “What does that say about Sehun, who is actually doing his graduate studies in mathematics?”
“It says fuck you, pour me another drink,” Sehun retorts and Chanyeol’s laughter only gets louder.
In the end, Chanyeol’s not really surprised that he’s dragging both Sehun and Jongin back to the apartment, one on either side of him. He could probably hail a cab, but it’s not that far and they can still mostly walk. The cool night air might help sober them up some, too. Or he hopes, because the way Jongin has taken to clinging to his left arm makes it difficult to walk without stumbling himself. He’s impossibly warm against him, cheeks a little flushed from his drinking, and Chanyeol stays as detached as possible, even when Sehun shoots him amused looks whenever Jongin whines about the walk home being too long and curls in even closer.
“We’re almost there, you big baby,” Sehun says and he tugs Jongin away from Chanyeol, picking a fight and leaving Chanyeol blissfully free. He’ll have to thank Sehun for that later, because even if he’s a little shit, he doesn’t seem to always want Chanyeol to suffer.
Chanyeol unlocks the door to their apartment when they arrive and Jongin and Sehun practically faceplant in the doorway. He laughs, manages to get them both inside so he can shut the door after them, and then Sehun is flopping onto the couch instead, kicking his shoes off so they fall to the floor haphazardly. Chanyeol sighs and leaves it for now, too tired to pick up after him, and he pulls Jongin toward his room.
“In you go,” he says, yanking back the covers and gently pushing Jongin onto the mattress. Jongin rolls from side to side for a while before he yawns and settles and Chanyeol forces himself not to reach out and push his hair from his face. Instead he leaves, heads to the bathroom to quickly wash up, stripping out of his clothes and leaving them in a pooled puddle on the floor. He can clean that up tomorrow, too.
By the time he comes back out, Jongin has somehow made it into his bed, and he’s lost his pants along the way. Chanyeol sighs, scrubbing at his face and weighing the terrible options. He could stay, or he could go sleep in Jongin’s room instead, but before he makes the decision, Jongin is peering an eye open and grumbling at him.
“Aren’t you sleeping?” he asks and, well, Chanyeol really does have so much trouble saying no.
He climbs into bed next to him, resolutely turning his back to Jongin and facing the doors to his closet, and he stays still even when Jongin presses in close to his back and warm, warm fingers curl around his waist. This is nothing unusual, this happens practically every single day, but right now Chanyeol’s heart is racing and his stomach is coiling like he’s eaten something expired, and he realizes, with a start, that maybe he can’t do this anymore...be so close, but not close enough. With so much else to worry about, this…this thing that he has with Jongin, it would be best to push it even further away than he already has.
ii
Pairing: Chanyeol/Jongin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Struggling between two jobs and trying to find something better isn’t easy for Chanyeol, but in light of everything, he’s just glad he has Jongin. Even if Jongin doesn’t know how much Chanyeol is in love with him.
Author’s Note: 44007 words. So I was inspired by this prompt on EPM and somehow the fic turned into……..this. Yeah, I don’t know how it happened either. But I’ve been working on this basically all summer and I am happy with it; it was fun and challenging but I enjoyed writing it a lot. To the OP, thank you for your inspiring prompt - it might not be quite what you were looking for, but if you do read this, I hope you enjoy it!
To Alex, thank you for reading this over and giving me so many ideas and just encouraging me every time I was stuck. ♥ To Ang, Jay and Lonio, the most wonderful kaiyeol corner, thank you for your support and cheerleading!! ♥ Extra thanks to Jay for betaing this too!! You're a star. ☆
Chanyeol wakes up at the crack of dawn, blindly fumbling for his phone to shut off the alarm. He’s not entirely sure when he set it to play Jason Derulo’s Talk Dirty, brows furrowing in confusion as he recognizes the lyrics, but he has a few guesses as to who probably did. He glances beside him but there’s no Jongin in bed with him tonight. It’s not that Jongin is supposed to be, rather that lately he’s crawled in beside him claiming it’s comfier and that the sun doesn’t rise from Chanyeol’s side so he can sleep in longer.
They’re pretty silly excuses and Chanyeol teases Jongin that if he wants to sleep with him, he just has to ask, but once Jongin pushed him off the bed and he keeps his thoughts to himself. He likes having Jongin there, curled up into his chest, so he doesn’t want to ruin a good thing he wouldn’t really have otherwise.
He drags himself out of bed with a groan, stretching his arms over his head, and grabs clothes for work before heading to shower. The door to Jongin’s room is shut but there’s light still on down the hall which he knows he turned off before he went to bed last night. Chanyeol sighs, hoping that doesn’t drastically affect their electricity bills, and goes to shut it off so he feels better about it.
He doesn’t expect to find Jongin asleep with his head pillowed on an arm on the coffee table. There are a bunch of newspapers open underneath him and when Chanyeol looks closer he realizes they’re classified ads. His stomach lurches a little, glancing down at his roommate’s face, soft in sleep, and really hopes Jongin’s looking for another job not because he got laid off but because he just wants something better.
Taking in the way Jongin fell asleep like this really doesn’t give Chanyeol too much hope for the latter.
It’s a Wednesday morning so Chanyeol knows Jongin only works at the chicken place today and his shift isn’t until after noon. He sets his clothes onto the couch so he can gently shake Jongin awake. His tendency to fall asleep anywhere usually leads to being a little cranky when he wakes up with a hundred kinks everywhere and that’s never good for his shifts at the dance studio.
“Jonginnie,” Chanyeol says softly, pushing back the bangs from his face and shaking his shoulder. “C’mon, get up.”
Jongin makes an adorable ruffled noise at being woken, his eyes fluttering open and shut a few times before he seems to realize Chanyeol is crouched down before him. “Hyung?” he croaks out and then swallows. “What time is it?”
“Fucking early,” Chanyeol laughs. “I’m getting ready for work. You should go sleep in your bed.”
Jongin blinks again, glancing around him and then down. He stares at the newspapers and his face visibly falls. Chanyeol bites his lower lip. They’ll probably have to talk about this, but later.
“Come on,” Chanyeol says, standing and tugging at Jongin’s arm. Jongin gets up without much protest, and Chanyeol places a hand on each of his shoulders and marches him toward his room. Jongin is still dressed in clothes from yesterday so he pulls at his shirt to get his attention and Jongin easily removes it. Chanyeol glances at the floor when he undoes his jeans and steps out of them and only looks back when he hears the slight creak of the bed. “Get some real sleep, okay?” he tells him, patting Jongin’s head.
Jongin nods, his hair flopping into his eyes and making him seem like a little puppy. It’s too cute, too early in the morning. “Have a good day at work,” Jongin murmurs, already falling back into slumber. “Will you be able to meet me for lunch before my shift?”
“I’ll text you,” Chanyeol says and he looks around the floor to pick up Jongin’s jeans. He grabs his phone from the pocket and types in the passcode easily. He sets his alarm for him, to make sure he gets up. “Sleep,” he says finally, setting the phone on the bedside table.
“Okay,” Jongin says and he reaches out to lightly touch Chanyeol’s wrist before letting his arm flop over the edge of the bed.
Chanyeol stares at him for a second longer before he turns and walks out of the room. He can’t be late for work.
♦
Chanyeol wishes a lot of things in his life could be different. That he didn’t have to juggle two low-paying jobs just to get by. That he didn’t have to work such awful shifts. That he wasn’t always worried about making the rent on time. That he could just walk into his favorite music store and buy the guitar he’s been eyeing for months instead of waiting patiently for when he has enough saved up. He wishes his apartment could be a little bigger, and that he could give up the coffee from the shop around the corner so he wasn’t wasting money on it every morning, and even that the small table in the kitchen would finally break and they’d be forced to buy another one.
Despite all that Chanyeol wants to change, there’s one thing that makes everything bearable. One thing - one person - that makes it okay. For anything in the world, he would never not want Jongin.
They’d been vague acquaintances since high school, with a shared group of friends and similar interests. Chanyeol thought Jongin was quiet, a little too shy and slow to open up to people. He stuck around Sehun, back then, and Zitao, but he would always give Chanyeol pretty smiles and ask him questions about math assignments during lunch. It wasn’t until university, that they became much better friends. Actual friends. Chanyeol gets teamed up with Sehun for a semester-long project and spends enough time in Sehun and Jongin’s dorm room that he gets used to the way Jongin looks perpetually sleepy or procrastinates his homework by reading and rereading volumes of One Piece.
They end up sharing meals together, meeting up after classes to study in one of the private rooms in the library, and Jongin laughs at Chanyeol’s dumb jokes like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard and Jongin edits all his literature papers and leaves little characters drawn into the margins. He’s still shy and so easily embarrassed, but he’s let Chanyeol in much more than in high school and Chanyeol is more than happy with the progression. He likes having a lot of friends, and he’s always wanted to be Jongin’s friend, ever since he first met him in the high school cafeteria and Jongin had been half-asleep on Baekhyun’s shoulder.
That was all years ago and so much has changed since then and Chanyeol’s friendship with Jongin has only gotten stronger. They move in together during Chanyeol’s senior year, fitting in all their belongings into a cramped two-bedroom apartment close enough to the university and the dance studio Jongin helps out at whenever he’s not buried under essays and research. It’s a great match, because Chanyeol likes taking care of people and Jongin is a little hopeless at anything domesticated. Chanyeol cooks, and Jongin washes up. Chanyeol cleans around the apartment, and Jongin brings back his favorite food to make up for it. Chanyeol watches the news on television, and Jongin climbs onto the couch after he gets home and falls asleep with his head in Chanyeol’s lap.
There’s nothing that makes Chanyeol happier than having Jongin in his life. They’ve both been out of school for three years now and things aren’t easy. It was hard, for either of them to get the job that they wanted, and they’ve had to settle for whatever they could get to pay the rent, to stay together, because that’s become practically an unspoken agreement. They could handle anything, as long as they’re together.
At least, that’s what Chanyeol thinks. As long as Jongin is beside him, he could take on the world.
♦
Jongin doesn’t get home until late in the evening and Chanyeol passes out on the couch as he waits up for him. It’s only when Jongin undoubtedly climbs up onto him and presses his face into the crook of Chanyeol’s neck does he blearily wake, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “Hey,” he says softly, mouth feeling all cottony from his nap. “Welcome home.”
Jongin just groans into his skin and Chanyeol laughs, only to end up yawning halfway. “Long day?” he asks Jongin, letting his arms wrap around his back. He’s so warm and even though the smell of fast food lingers on his clothes, he feels really nice, pressed against Chanyeol like this.
“It wasn’t terrible,” he mumbles, “but I spent my breaks looking for a new job so I’m exhausted anyway.”
Chanyeol sighs. “I saw,” he says, “this morning.” He rubs Jongin’s back. “What happened?”
Jongin shifts against Chanyeol’s chest, turning his face so he can speak more clearly. “My boss at the music store is such a bitch. She’s always on my case about being late even though I’ve told her like a hundred times not to schedule me at that time when it takes so long to get over there after my shift at the chicken place.” He groans and pulls himself up suddenly, running a hand through his hair and frowning down at Chanyeol who only wants to draw him back. He doesn’t, though, just stares back and waits for Jongin to continue. “It’s like she was creating a reason to fire me,” he says and then shrugs. “Whatever. That job sucked. I’m glad I can look for something else.”
“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol says, reaching out to ruffle Jongin’s already tousled hair some more. He shakes his head and smiles at him, a little tired but honest, and Chanyeol knows he’ll be okay. “Maybe you should ask Hyukjae-hyung about taking on another class at the studio until you find something else?”
Jongin’s face lights up. “That’s a good idea,” he says, climbing off the couch so he can easily pull his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll leave him a message right now.”
He rushes off into his room at that and Chanyeol sighs again, stretching the length of the couch before letting himself roll off and to his feet. He rubs the back of his neck, working out a few of the lingering kinks, and heads into the kitchen for something to eat because he slept right through dinner.
“Jongin?” he calls, pulling open the fridge and checking through the few tupperware of leftovers. “Did you eat already?”
“No!” he shouts back and Chanyeol frowns in the direction of his room. He probably skipped his meals in favor of looking up new jobs instead.
“I’ll make something then,” Chanyeol says loud enough that Jongin will be able to hear him. There’s some remaining spaghetti from a few nights ago that Chanyeol takes out in case Jongin wants that instead, and he turns on the stove to make himself a quick omelette instead because nothing much sounds as appetizing.
Jongin wanders in sometime later, fresh out of the shower and dressed in just a pair of loose-fitted shorts. His wet hair drips down his shoulders and Chanyeol has to remind himself to look away.
“Ooh, spaghetti,” Jongin says. “Can I have it?”
“Go for it,” Chanyeol responds without turning to him. He hears Jongin popping it into the microwave and then he’s sliding up onto the counter beside the stove and smiling at Chanyeol. Chanyeol quirks a brow in amusement, pretends to poke him with the wooden spoon in his hand. Jongin laughs, squirming to the side, and childishly kicks his feet out to retaliate. He’s so cute like this. “For someone who just got fired, you sure are happy.”
Jongin grins, shrugs. “Like I said, it was a crap job,” he replies. He tilts his head slightly and gives Chanyeol such an assessing look that Chanyeol feels a little nervous. “Besides,” he says, straightening up again and fluffing at his damp bangs. “when I’m home with you it’s hard to be sad.”
Chanyeol’s heart does a strange spastic thing in his chest at that and he has to turn his attention back to the stove. His omelette is done, so he shuts off the heat and sets the pan to the side and picks a plate off the drying rack beside the sink. “And you call me sappy all the time,” he says, finally, when he’s found his voice and the urge to look at Jongin and want to kiss him fades away, back.
“Because you are,” Jongin laughs, jumping off the counter and patting Chanyeol’s ass lightly. He stops the microwave just before it starts to beep and pulls out the container, hissing at the heat.
“Careful,” Chanyeol chides, catching Jongin pouting, and hands him a potholder from the drawer next to him. Jongin smiles at him gratefully and after grabbing a fork from another drawer, he retreats to the living room to eat.
Chanyeol slides his own omelette onto a plate and cleans up a bit around the kitchen before Jongin calls out, “C’mon, hyung, what’re you doing?”
Chuckling softly, Chanyeol tosses the dishcloth onto the counter and grabs his plate. “Nothing, nothing,” he says and heads over to join Jongin on the couch. Jongin presses in close like normal, but today, especially after what Jongin said earlier, it has Chanyeol’s heart beating a little faster. Jongin’s watching some cartoon show on the TV that Chanyeol hasn’t seen before, but he couldn’t really care less what they watch. Just being together like this, that’s what really matters, and seeing Jongin laughing and happy, that’s more important than anything.
It’s nice, he thinks, to know that Jongin feels the same way, even if it’s not quite the way Chanyeol hopes he did.
He’ll take what he can get, and having Jongin beside him is more than anything he’s ever needed.
♦
“I heard Jongin lost his job,” Kyungsoo says by way of greeting when Chanyeol slides into the booth at a small ramyeon place just a block from where Chanyeol has his radio gig every night. “Are you guys okay?”
Chanyeol smiles and waves a hand at him. “We’re great,” he says and even when Kyungsoo narrows his eyes at him, looking menacing in his pressed, black suit and coiffed hair. He’d taken a break from long day of meetings to meet with Chanyeol for a late dinner, something they try to do every week because Chanyeol complains Kyungsoo never wants to see him otherwise. “Really,” he insists, after their waiter stops by to get their orders. “Jongin’s taking on another class at the studio for now, and we might be a little strapped, but I’m gonna talk to Minseok-hyung and see if I can take on extra shifts at the cafe.”
Kyungsoo frowns at him like that’s not a good enough answer. He doesn’t say that, though, just gives Chanyeol this sort of look and waits for him to break down. Chanyeol won’t, because he’s used to this, from Kyungsoo. From Junmyeon, too, and his sister, and it’s mostly because they don’t seem to understand. It’s okay, for Chanyeol, that things are tough. He doesn’t expect things to be easy. After doing his utmost best in university and not getting accepted to any of the companies he applied to, he understands the struggle all too well. And he’s happy, to have Jongin at his side so they can get through the mess together.
Chanyeol ends up winning their staring contest when their food arrives and Kyungsoo lets out a heavy sigh, picking up chopsticks and pulling his bowl closer to him. “Fine,” he says, “I’ll let it go. For now.”
Chanyeol slurps up some noodles before he grins. “Careful, Kyungsoo,” he says, “or people might start thinking you care.”
Kyungsoo kicks him, hard, under the table and smirks around his mouthful of food as Chanyeol whines. He’s distracted when his phone beeps on the table, and he finds a message from Jongin.
did u really make food for me but go out to eat w/ kyungsoo?
Chanyeol smiles at the text. He’d been bored, and Jongin has been doing that thing where he lives off of too many take out meals from the chicken place, so he’d whipped up a quick chicken pasta for him to have when he gets back home. Chanyeol already had his plans with Kyungsoo, so it seemed like a good idea. He types back a quick Yes :D.
i could’ve made something myself!! or brought food back! :<
Instant ramyeon isn’t a meal, Jongin. And you should cut back on all the take out anyway. Chanyeol types. He can feel Kyungsoo staring at him and he’ll probably complain about Chanyeol dragging him out just to ignore him. Besides, I don’t mind cooking for you. So just eat and don’t complain.
Jongin’s reply doesn’t come for a few minutes, giving Chanyeol just enough time to enjoy a few more mouthfuls of his ramyeon and for Kyungsoo to glare at him across the table.
you’re the best
this is so good!! (っ˘ڡ˘ς) (っ˘ڡ˘ς) (っ˘ڡ˘ς)
thanks hyung ♡
tell kyungsoo i said hi
Chuckling softly, Chanyeol shakes his head and sets his phone aside. “Jongin says hi,” he tells Kyungsoo who rolls his eyes.
“Ah, of course it was Jongin,” he says before he takes a sip of his water. He sets down the glass and adds, giving Chanyeol a very pointed look, “How is that going?”
Chanyeol doesn’t meet his eyes, focuses instead on another mouthful of his meal. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says after he swallows.
“Don’t you?” Kyungsoo says, raising a brow. He picks up a piece of meat from his bowl and pops it into his mouth as Chanyeol tries to make sure to keep his expression as impassive as possible. When Chanyeol chooses not to say anything, Kyungsoo adds, “There isn’t any point in pretending to hide it from me, you know. Not when it’s so obvious. Especially not when you practically confessed the whole thing over drinks two years ago.”
“It’s not like that,” Chanyeol says, but it comes out as more of a whine. He vaguely remembers that night but Kyungsoo never brought it up so he assumed Kyungsoo had forgotten, which was just fine with him because Chanyeol doesn’t...This is something he never wants to talk about, even with Kyungsoo who knows Chanyeol the best. If he talks about it, it becomes real and Chanyeol can’t have that. “We’re just friends, Kyungsoo.”
“It’s okay that you like him,” Kyungsoo starts and Chanyeol flinches back. Suddenly he doesn’t feel as hungry anymore, his stomach rolling unpleasantly as he thinks about Jongin and how adorable he’d looked that morning, curled up against Chanyeol in bed, and how he’d danced around the kitchen and made breakfast, and coaxed Chanyeol into dancing with him. Chanyeol thinks about how he just likes having Jongin in his life and about how much he wants more.
“I know it’s okay, that’s not the issue,” Chanyeol says finally. He sighs and pulls off his cap, runs his hand through his hair a few times before fitting it back on. “I just don’t want anything to change, okay?”
Kyungsoo doesn’t seem convinced by this but he thankfully decides not to press. “If that’s what you want,” he says, even though his voice suggests he thinks Chanyeol is an idiot. Maybe he is, but he’d rather be an idiot than to jeopardize what he and Jongin already have.
“It is,” Chanyeol says firmly. He grins up at Kyungsoo and when Kyungsoo just stares back, he laughs and adds, “So what about you and Junmyeon? Has anyone figured out that you’re fucking your boss?”
“If they did, they’ll regret ever bringing it up,” Kyungsoo says easily, and Chanyeol laughs because he knows Kyungsoo means it.
“So cruel,” he says and Kyungsoo just smirks before conversation switches to him complaining about Junmyeon and work. Chanyeol listens dutifully because it’s much better than their previous topic, which still has him a little unsettled. He’s been doing a good job, lately, keeping that away from the forefront of his mind, but now it’s returned, and he’ll have to work to push it back all over again.
They finish up eating and chatting for awhile longer, until Chanyeol needs to head over to work and Kyungsoo needs to go back and make sure everyone wasn’t slacking on his break. He grabs Chanyeol’s hand and twists his fingers when he tries to pay for himself, and Chanyeol whines until he lets go and pays for them both.
“Take care of yourself,” Kyungsoo says when they make it to the crosswalk. Chanyeol grins widely and slings an arm around his shoulders to drag him in close.
“Come visit us sometime big-shot,” Chanyeol says once Kyungsoo has bodily shoved him away and smooths down the front of his suit, glaring at him.
“We’ll see,” Kyungsoo says but he smiles at Chanyeol before darting down the street and Chanyeol watches him go before turning and heading in the opposite direction. It’s going to be a long night, but he’s in a good mood and he hopes the night will go by quickly.
♦
Jongin picks up an afternoon beginner kids’ class at the dance studio after his job at the music store ends. “It’s lucky that Yunho-hyung has to move for his new job,” Jongin told Chanyeol once he’d found out. “Hyukjae-hyung needed someone to take over that class anyway. I’d much rather be teaching dance than working at that stupid store.”
“See? Things always happen for a reason,” Chanyeol replied and ruffled Jongin’s hair until he squawked and shoved him away.
Chanyeol finishes up a double shift at the cafe with enough time to head over to the studio and meet Jongin so they can head home together. He’s there a little early today, but he’s been here enough times that Hyukjae doesn’t mind if he comes in and watches. He finds Jongin’s class easily, just over in the second room, slightly smaller and nearly packed with little kids who are laughing as they trip over feet and try to copy the moves that Jongin showed them.
“Come on, you guys can do it,” he hears Jongin say before he sees him, and he wanders through the open door to the corner where there are a few parents waiting, too. He sees Jongin now, dressed in one of his usual loose sweatpants and a tank top that seems to reveal more skin than it covers up. His hair is pushed underneath a backwards cap - one of Chanyeol’s, he notices when Jongin turns around and he can see the ILLEGAL written on the front - and his collarbones shine with sweat.
Chanyeol shuffles into the corner and watches as Jongin helps up a small boy who had fallen, smiling at him so brightly and giving his hair a quick ruffle. He doesn’t get to see Jongin with kids very often, unless one of his sisters needs an emergency baby sitter, and since Lu Han’s little girl is a terror just like her father they don’t offer to watch her very often. So it’s nice, watching him like this. And Jongin loves to dance, even if it’s showing off the most basic of steps to some kids that seem like they’re still struggling to stand properly on two feet.
Jongin doesn’t notice Chanyeol until the very end, when he’s wrapping things up and glancing over to the parents present to make sure they encourage their kids to practice at home. That’s when he sees Chanyeol, and he pauses for a brief second in surprise, before he’s grinning even wider and turning away to finish his little speech.
Chanyeol stays back when Jongin finishes, watches as he talks with a few kids directly and his silly, high-pitched laugh fills up the room as a few of the more energetic ones try to jump up onto his back and give him hugs. He meets with some of the parents, too, and Chanyeol can’t really hear much from the corner but he can see how happy he looks, eyes curved into crescents and mouth stretched into a never-ending smile. A young mother seems intent on flirting, with the way she lightly touches Jongin’s elbow and leans into his space a bit, her son bouncing around at their feet. Jongin just laughs at whatever she says and Chanyeol knows he’s embarrassed by the way he rubs the back of his neck but he smirks coolly at her, the way he knows makes him look hotter, and Chanyeol has to turn away, then, pulling his phone from his pocket and fiddling with it until Jongin is done.
It doesn’t take much longer; the chatter dies down as everyone files out of the room and then Jongin is sliding against the wall next to Chanyeol and bumping his left shoulder with his right. “Hey, you,” he says, peering over his shoulder where Chanyeol is typing up a message to Baekhyun. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”
“Surprise,” Chanyeol says with a laugh, tucking his phone away once he’s sent the text. He turns to Jongin with a big grin and Jongin returns it. “I figured I’d come get you and we could stop for groceries before heading home.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jongin agrees and he picks up his small gym bag and slings it over his shoulder before leading the way out of the studio.
“You’re going to get sick like that,” Chanyeol says, pulling at a thin sleeve of Jongin’s tank top.
Jongin laughs, darting away and onto the street. “It’s like 90 degrees out, hyung,” he says with a roll of his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Chanyeol just hums thoughtfully, wishing he didn’t feel the need for Jongin to cover up just because it’s distracting. Jongin doesn’t care, so Chanyeol shouldn’t either. He clears his throat and falls into step beside him, says, “You looked like you were having fun back there.”
“I love this class,” Jongin says, like it wasn’t obvious from how enthusiastic he was with the kids. “The kids are so cute and they really want to learn. It’s fun, teaching them.” He glances at Chanyeol and slowly smirks, nudges him with an elbow. “It’d be the perfect class for you, too, hyung, if you wanted to brush up on your dancing skills.”
“Right, because that’s on the top of my to-do-list,” Chanyeol says solemnly and the way Jongin snickers behind a hand has him grinning. They stop by a Family Mart near the apartment and carefully fill up a basket with the things they most need. Jongin sneaks in a bag of his favorite chips and Chanyeol gives him a little pinch in the small of his back but doesn’t remove the package. Chanyeol pays as Jongin shoves everything into plastic bags and Chanyeol has to remind him to be careful about the eggs.
“I’m not a little kid,” Jongin pouts at him as they leave and Chanyeol pulls at his plush lower lip and raises a brow at him as if to say, Really? Jongin swats his hand away and laughs and Chanyeol feels good, happy. It’s sticky hot outside and he had a long, annoying day at work this morning, but being with Jongin always makes him feel better, even if they’re doing something as menial a task as buying groceries.
Jongin wanders off to shower when they get back to the apartment, sneakily leaving Chanyeol alone to deal with putting the groceries away. With that all taken care of easily, Chanyeol thinks he should probably take a nap before his radio show tonight. He didn’t the other day and it was hard, staying awake through the late-night program.
He strips out of his jeans and climbs into bed, taps up a quick alarm on his phone to make sure he gets up in time. He doesn’t hear Jongin slide into bed with him after his shower, but he’s there when Chanyeol wakes up at his alarm starts blaring that song again, an arm thrown over Chanyeol’s waist and pressed in close. Chanyeol sighs, slumping back and closing his eyes for a moment and wishing this could all mean something different but knowing it’s not worth the risk.
♦
Baekhyun likes to throw these parties every once in awhile like they’re all still in college and not adults who go to bed at 10PM instead of four in the morning. “I’m too cute to be called an adult yet,” he says, and he says the word adult like it’s a disease. It’s funny, considering Baekhyun’s one of the most successful people Chanyeol knows, with a knack at speaking and drawing people’s attention, he works in sales for a pretty big company and does really well for himself.
But Chanyeol’s not one to complain about how Baekhyun wants to stay young and relive the dream years (Baekhyun’s words, not his). Chanyeol wouldn’t mind going back to those times either, when his dreams felt big but also attainable, just out of his reach. When he didn’t have a hundred and one things to worry about constantly.
It’s a warm day in July when Chanyeol goes over, a box of some of Baekhyun’s favorite sweets in his hands. “If you fuckers come, it better not be empty-handed,” is what Baekhyun always puts in the emails, but everyone knows by now that if they show up late enough, Baekhyun’s usually so drunk he forgets. It’s how Jongdae’s gotten by every year.
“Hey man, long time no see,” Baekhyun greets Chanyeol at the door and grins widely at the box when Chanyeol hands it over. “You sure know the way to a guy’s heart. Sehun brought a bag of banana milk.”
Chanyeol laughs because that’s not surprising in the least. “You should update your requirement to state: must spend more than ten thousand won for entry.”
Baekhyun pats his back, shoving him into the apartment. “Good plan,” he says, “but then Sehun might not come at all.”
“Now that would be a tragedy.”
“I heard that!” Sehun snaps from the couch where he and Jongin are playing video games on Baekhyun’s giant television.
Chanyeol just pats Sehun’s head as he passes by. He glances at Jongin but he’s wrapped up in the game, so he follows Baekhyun to the kitchen to get himself something to drink. Chanyeol isn’t too big on alcohol but it’s been awhile and he doesn’t have to get up at dawn tomorrow, so he indulges in some cocktail Baekhyun hands him. It burns a bit, but it’s good, and he leans against the counter to sip at it slowly, glancing around the apartment. Not everyone is there yet, but Chanyeol knows Kyungsoo won’t make it because of work and Junmyeon is out of town. Lu Han said he’d come if he and Jia could find someone to watch Mei. Amber is out on the balcony with Sunyoung and Zitao, and Taeyeon is helping Baekhyun in the kitchen.
Chanyeol glances at her and then Baekhyun and smirks around the rim of his glass. “Still no ring, noona?”
Taeyeon laughs while Baekhyun whips around to glare at him. “Nope,” she says with a bit of a long-suffering sigh. “I’m thinking I should just propose to him.”
“Well, we all know you run this relationship anyway,” Chanyeol agrees with a nod and Taeyeon gives him a pretty smile. “Baekhyun clearly doesn’t have the balls--”
“I’m gonna kill you,” Baekhyun says, nearly dropping a plate of appetizers in favor of lunging toward Chanyeol with his hands outstretched. He doesn’t get very far before Taeyeon grabs the back of his shirt and stops him in place and Baekhyun’s pulling at the collar of his shirt where it’s pressing uncomfortably into his neck instead. “But babe--”
“Don’t babe me,” she says, letting him go finally and ignoring Baekhyun’s wheeze as she thrusts the plate back into his hands. “Go be a good host.” She pats his ass as he leaves and he leers at her over his shoulder before he disappears out of the kitchen. A few seconds later, Chanyeol hears a clatter and, “Come eat you bitches!” hollered from the living room.
Taeyeon sighs next to him as Chanyeol bursts out into laughter. He downs the rest of his drink and grabs one of the banana milk cartons from the counter. “I’m gonna go before he comes back and does try to kill me,” he says, gesturing toward the balcony and Taeyeon waves him off with a cheerful, “Have fun!”
It’s a little too humid outdoors but they’re mostly in the shade. Amber and Sunyoung are in deep discussion about something and Zitao instantly grabs Chanyeol’s arm and pulls him down to sit next to him on the floor. Chanyeol laughs, “Hey,” amused, because Zitao hasn’t let go. He must’ve already had a drink or two, but Zitao is clingy on most days so it’s hard to tell. He looks good, like always, dressed in sleek, dark jeans and a printed shirt that Chanyeol’s seen in ads. He pokes at his chest and says, “How is your line going?”
Zitao grins at him, lighting up his face even though he’s wearing sunglasses. “Great!” he says excitedly. “It was a huge hit. Better than I ever could’ve imagined.” He sits up straighter, proud, and Chanyeol pats his hand happily. Chanyeol’s seen Zitao’s clothing line on billboards and in magazines. He’s become a really popular, rookie designer in the past year.
Chanyeol remembers clearly how much time Zitao spent sketching outfit ideas into his notebooks instead of actual notes and how he would make sure he looked his best even if it was just a short trip to the nearest bubble tea shop. After all, they dated for about five months during Chanyeol’s second year and Chanyeol can’t forget things like that, even now. It’d been before Chanyeol realized bit by bit how interested he was in Jongin, or maybe being with Zitao had made his hidden crush even more obvious. He did really like Zitao though, and they had a good run, despite the occasional bump because they’re a lot alike. Zitao wants someone to pay attention to him but he so craves his independence and his dreams never seemed to have room enough for Chanyeol.
None of that is important now though. Now Chanyeol is glad he still has a friend in Zitao and that Zitao is achieving his dream. It makes him proud, too.
“I’m glad things are working out for you,” he says. He reaches out to pull lightly on one of Zitao’s earrings, the way he used to years ago, and laughs at how Zitao squawks and nudges him back.
“Thanks,” Zitao says after a moment, leaning into Chanyeol. “It hasn’t been easy, but things are really good.” He looks up at Chanyeol and Chanyeol is tempted to yank his sunglasses off because he can never tell quite what Zitao’s thinking behind it, but then he says, “If there’s anything you want from the line, let me know. I’ll get it made specifically for you.”
Chanyeol smirks. “I didn’t know I still got special treatment.”
“I’m just being nice,” Zitao huffs. “You know me, the nicest.”
“Right, nice,” Chanyeol humors him. “Up there with self-absorbed and whiny, your other two best traits.”
Zitao pushes at him again but he’s laughing and this is nice. It’s been awhile since Chanyeol’s seen him, but they always fall back into the same sort of pattern and it feels good, today. “You can add mean to your list,” Zitao says. “I take it back, you can’t have anything.”
“Who’s being mean now?” Chanyeol points out and Zitao pouts at him. He chuckles and bumps Zitao’s shoulder with his own. “You don’t have to give me anything, it’s no big deal.”
“I know that,” Zitao says. “But I want to.” He pauses, assessing, and then adds, “Or, if you’d rather, you can help me get Sehun to agree to model for me. I keep asking but he keeps saying he has to focus on his ~studies~.”
“Well, he does.”
“But he’d be so good!!” Zitao wails and Chanyeol pats his knee. “You would be, too, now that I think about it.” He gives Chanyeol a very slow, very careful once-over that has Chanyeol a little embarrassed. “We’d have to work on your facial expressions, but--”
“I don’t want to be a model, Zitao,” Chanyeol laughs. “But thanks for the offer.”
Zitao purses his lips thoughtfully before he shrugs. “Your loss,” he says, “but if you ever change your mind, you know, if you need the help--Let me know.”
He’s not really looking at Chanyeol as he says it but Chanyeol knows what he really means. Everyone of his friends worries too damn much, he thinks, even if it makes him happy just as much as it wears him down.
Before he can tell Zitao that he will, there’s a short knock against the door frame and Jongin halfway steps out onto the balcony. “Baekhyun-hyung wanted everyone to--” He cuts himself off suddenly, eyes widening a bit as he looks from the girls to Zitao and Chanyeol on the floor, taking in how Zitao is leaning into Chanyeol and their arms are still linked from when Zitao first pulled him down. He pauses, staring, and only jerks back into motion when Zitao pinches him, laughing.
“Oh, uh, sorry,” Jongin says, flushing. He meets Chanyeol’s gaze for a second before darting away, over to the railing and Chanyeol furrows his brows in concern. “Baekhyun-hyung said there’s food and that we all have to go play song-byung-ho. No one is exempt.”
“Why does he love that game so much?” Amber questions aloud, rolling her eyes, but she and Sunyoung dutifully head back inside.
“Guess we better go back, too, then,” Chanyeol says and Zitao sighs but lets him stand, raising his hands up for Chanyeol to pull him to his feet. Chanyeol laughs but does and Zitao grins at him before he ducks past Jongin through the door.
Jongin is still standing there and he is looking at Chanyeol now, plush lips pulled into a cute frown. Chanyeol ruffles his hair to get his attention, smiles down at him. “You okay?”
Jongin bites his lower lip and nods slowly, like he’s not actually sure that he is. He leans into Chanyeol’s touch instinctively, like a cat, and it makes Chanyeol’s smile widen. He’s so cute. “Haven’t talked to you at all since you got here,” Jongin says, still frowning.
Chanyeol tilts his head to the side. “I was right here,” he says. “Besides, I saw you like three hours ago.”
“But--” Jongin says only to cut himself off once again, maybe because of the way Chanyeol is staring at him, confused. He shakes his head, steps back, and Chanyeol’s hand falls away. “Never mind,” he says. “C’mon, let’s go play.” He smiles at Chanyeol and it’s not quite as bright as usual, but it’s better than the frown so Chanyeol smiles back and follows him inside.
♦
“Hey Chanyeol, I’m sorry to call you in like this on an off day,” Ryeowook says, sliding into his seat behind his office desk. “I thought you’d want to hear right away.”
Chanyeol doesn’t particularly like the sound of that, but he smiles and nods as he settles into the chair in front of the desk. “It’s fine, hyung. I was in the area anyway.” He and Jongin had been shopping, not really looking for anything but wanting to get out of the apartment while they were both free to hang out. He’d told Jongin to go home when he’d gotten the call and Jongin had waved goodbye before parting. “What’s up?”
“Things aren’t looking good with the ratings lately, Chanyeol,” Ryeowook says with a sigh and Chanyeol feels his heart slowly sink toward his stomach. “It hasn’t been easy, especially with our late night shows, and funding has been cut recently, on top of all that--”
“Are you canceling my show?” Chanyeol asks, point blank, and is impressed that his voice doesn’t crack.
Ryeowook shakes his head but the set to his jaw is tight, strained. He looks tired and Chanyeol, too, is feeling weighed down. “No, not...yet, at least,” he says. “I really like you, Chanyeol. I think you’re great at what you do, so this is sort of a...heads up, if you will.” He sighs again, runs a hand through his hair. “You’ve been running a lot of your own ideas but that might change. A lot of programs are being revamped and we’ll have to do that for you, but if things don’t turn around, it might, well. I think you understand.”
Chanyeol nods, his throat too dry to speak. He rubs his palms over his thighs, wonders what he’ll do now. He’s glad, that he’s not being fired entirely, but this job was one of the best things he had going for him, being able to host his own kind of show, play the kind of music he likes, talk about things he wanted. Sure, the hours weren’t ideal and he didn’t get that many callers or anything like that, but it was still fun, and he was glad he’d found something that wasn’t too strict with its reigns so Chanyeol could do different things as he came up with his own ideas. It hurts, knowing that he wasn’t doing well enough with it, but having to change everything because of it is almost more upsetting.
“I’ll do my best,” is all he says in the end, when Ryeowook asks if he’s still on board, because what else is there?
Jongin is waiting at home for him, lounging on the couch with a bag of chips and a book when Chanyeol gets in. “Hey,” he says, leaning his head back over the armrest and looking at Chanyeol upside down. “What was that about?”
Chanyeol shrugs one shoulder, not sure he even wants to bring it up to Jongin and give him something else to worry about. He passes by into the kitchen and a second later he hears Jongin follow. A warm hand grabs his elbow and Jongin is tugging at him, getting him to turn around, and when Chanyeol does, his eyes are set in concern.
“Tell me,” he says in an almost childishly demanding voice, like Chanyeol is keeping secrets about a schoolyard crush instead of just finding out he might lose his steady job.
Chanyeol sighs heavily, rubs a hand over his face and trudges up a gist of his conversation with Ryeowook and tries not to notice the way Jongin’s eyes flash with surprise, then panic, as realization sinks in.
“What the fuck,” Jongin says, bordering on angry but mostly disbelief, “they can’t just do that.”
Chanyeol chuckles. “They can,” he says. “But at least I wasn’t fired, you know. I just have to work harder, do as they say.” He shrugs. “It’s no big deal.” It isn’t, really, in the grand scheme of things, but knowing that if things don’t get better, having that looming over his head, makes things so much worse. It won’t be fun, going into work tomorrow night.
“It is a big deal,” Jongin says, shaking his arm a little. “You love that job, you love doing it your way.”
“My way wasn’t cutting it,” Chanyeol says, and he offers Jongin a small smile because he looks much more upset about this than Chanyeol feels now. “This isn’t like back in school, when I got away with stupid shit on the university radio station.” He laughs, reminded of the ridiculous stuff he and Jongdae always did then. It’d always been fun, even if they got into trouble sometimes by Kyuhyun. “I just have to adjust. So stop making that face.”
“I’m not making a face,” Jongin retorts and Chanyeol pinches both of his cheeks between his fingers until Jongin is laughing and stumbling away. His face falls again a second later and he steps back to Chanyeol. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Chanyeol’s not, not really, but he will be. “Yeah,” he tells Jongin, “don’t worry about me.”
“Of course I worry about you,” Jongin says, sounding a little offended at the implication and Chanyeol’s surprised by the vehemence in his voice. “You always try to be so strong, hyung, but you should let people worry about you.”
“I’m fine,” Chanyeol says, stepping back, because he doesn’t like talking about this, least of all with Jongin. He turns swiftly on his heel and opens the fridge, tries to think about what to make for dinner.
“You always say that, but I’m not so sure,” Jongin says, and he follows it up with a deep sigh. Chanyeol imagines him fussing with his bangs but he doesn’t turn to look. There’s silence, for awhile, then, and Chanyeol figures Jongin has left the kitchen entirely, but once he pulls out two containers and some bags of vegetables from the fridge and moves away, he sees that Jongin is still there, staring at him.
“What?” Chanyeol asks.
Jongin purses his lips, walks over to him and takes the containers from his hands, sets them onto the counter. He starts pulling them open and Chanyeol joins him, takes out a pan and sets it onto the stove. Chanyeol grabs the cutting board from beside the sink and a sharp knife, pulls out a few tomatoes from the bag.
“You should let me worry about you, Chanyeol,” Jongin says after a couple of minutes, his voice just loud enough over the steady chop-chop-chop of the knife against the cutting board. “We’re roommates, right?”
That pulls a small laugh from Chanyeol and he glances over at Jongin and nods. “We’re best friends,” he says, pushing back everything else, and Jongin beams at him. “I’m sorry.”
Jongin shakes his head and bumps him with his hip. Chanyeol grins, playfully tosses an end of the tomato at his face and Jongin’s shriek of laughter is enough to make him forget about the troubling things. They’ll be back, later, but for now, Chanyeol enjoys this.
♦
He’d said it to Jongin, when he’d managed to pick up a second class at the studio after he lost his job at the music store, that things always happen for a reason. Chanyeol doesn’t really believe in stuff like that, even if it’s nice, how sometimes it feels like maybe the world is looking out for him, and redirecting him whenever something doesn’t work out.
The news from Ryeowook is almost like a wake-up call, in some ways. It’s easy, to become complacent, to settle, especially when Chanyeol isn’t exactly unhappy with his life. Sure, things could be a lot better, but he’s got a roof over his head and food to eat and a roommate to share his life with, so things could also be a lot worse. But he’s remembered, with a jolt, that working at a coffee shop and struggling to keep a radio program afloat isn’t what he wants in life. It’s not what he wants for his future. His meeting with Ryeowook has reminded him, that he doesn’t want to settle.
Chanyeol hates job hunting. After his unfortunate results after graduation, he’d been pretty quickly discouraged and picking up the pieces of that now isn’t easy, either. It’s like he’s pushed aside the part of him that’s always been so interested in environmental sciences and wanting to work somewhere so he can really make a difference.
It’s not easy, but he has to do it. He brushes up his resume and gathers up extra materials and saves them all properly in a little folder on his laptop so he can get to it whenever he applies somewhere. He spends his breaks at the cafe researching for something else, something better, and even scrolls through the email alerts he gets on his phone whenever the shop is slow and Minseok isn’t around to scold him.
Not that Minseok minds too terribly, because he understands Chanyeol’s dilemma and is always encouraging him to do better, try harder. Put himself out there.
“It’s not like I’m trying to kick you out of here or anything,” he says when Chanyeol points it out one day, after Minseok catches him looking at his phone during a midday Thursday lull. Chanyeol had quickly pushed his phone away but Minseok just patted his shoulder and told him not to worry about it before handing him a dish towel and pointing toward the messiest table. “It’ll probably suck having to break in someone else as good as you.”
Chanyeol laughs, pleased. “I am awesome, I know,” he says and Minseok pretends to throw a half-eaten muffin left at the counter at him. "But don't worry, hyung, I'm not going anywhere for now."
"Pity," Minseok says with a shake of his head and Chanyeol just laughs again, good-naturedly.
It's a pretty slow day, but Chanyeol doesn't mind those. He sweeps up and keeps the front tidy and sings aloud to the music with Yixing when he comes in twenty minutes late as per usual. Minseok works on new recipes in the back and comes out occasionally to check on them and make them taste test. It's nice, when a customer comes in and settles at the counter and Chanyeol amiably chats with them unless it's clear they want to be left alone. Not all of them do, and Chanyeol enjoys being able to make friends with a few friends.
That's how they get regulars, the ones who stop by early in the morning for their daily fix and call them all by name. There's Gayeon from the martial arts studio down the street, Song Qian who stops by after her daily run for a latte and a blueberry muffin and shows Chanyeol recent pictures of her daughter, and then Sungwoo, who always has new music to recommend and ruffles Chanyeol’s hair kindly before he leaves. There are others, too, of course, ones that know Yixing a little better, or Minseok, too. It's probably what Chanyeol likes best about this job.
He's nearing the end of his shift when Jongin walks in with Sehun in tow, the two of them laughing over something before Chanyeol interrupts them with a cheerful greeting.
"Hey, hyung, how's it going?" Jongin asks, smiling at him prettily. His hair falls into his face, a little too long, and he brushes it back hastily with a hand. "Been slacking off all day, I'm sure."
Chanyeol mock gasps, places a hand over his chest. "I'm the perfect employee," he says haughtily. "Right, Minseok-hyung?"
"You're alright," he says with a shrug, earning Jongin and Sehun’s derisive laughter. Chanyeol’s about to bring up how Minseok didn't seem to want him to leave earlier, but figures it’s not worth the effort. Jongin's amused laughter is better anyway.
"What can I get you guys?" Chanyeol asks and they both squabble over choices for awhile until finally settling on something. Chanyeol rings them up and then goes off to make them while Sehun and Jongin find a table by the window to flop into.
"You're done soon right?" Jongin asks when he brings back their drinks. "Come join us for dinner."
"I don't know...I had plans, you see, with cooler friends," Chanyeol says exaggeratedly. "You can't just come in here and expect me to--"
"Please, you have no cool friends," Sehun scoffs, rolling his eyes. "We're the coolest friends you've got."
"You just want me to come so I pay for you," Chanyeol says, reaching out to slap at the bill of Sehun’s cap so it hides his face. Sehun pulls his hat back and grins up at him while Jongin laughs.
"So you're coming?" he asks before sucking on the straw of his iced coffee and Chanyeol stares at his mouth for the briefest of seconds before darting his eyes back up.
"Well, I wouldn't want you to beg."
Sehun coughs something that sounds like "Lies," and the back of Chanyeol’s neck feels suddenly hot. Jongin just looks at his friend in confusion but Sehun is sending a pointed stare toward Chanyeol who figures it’s in bad form to strangle someone who just paid for a drink.
"Finish your drinks. I'm gonna go work and I’ll be back soon," he says eventually, turning away from Sehun’s piercing stare. He knew he shouldn’t have ever told Sehun. Kyungsoo was bad enough.
Jongin waves as he leaves and Chanyeol tries not to let what Sehun implied get to him. It wasn’t even that terrible, really, and Jongin just seemed lost so it’s okay. He can breathe, he can let it go. Sehun is always like that, anyway, and Chanyeol is mostly used to it. It’s just that, for some reason, these things have become harder to ignore. He wonders if agreeing to dinner with both of them was a good idea.
They end up at a samgyeopsal place nearby and after a few drinks, both Sehun and Jongin are giggling and leaning into each other from across the table. Chanyeol is much more cautious, sipping slowly at his first and only bottle, while Sehun gets sloppier at cutting up meat on the grill. “You guys better watch it or I’ll just leave your drunk asses here,” Chanyeol says.
“You’d never,” Sehun accuses.
“Yeah, you like us too much,” Jongin adds, pointing a finger toward him and Chanyeol looks down at his hands. “Besides, we’re not that drunk. We’re not like Baekhyun or Yixing, so don’t worry, hyung!” He waves a hand at Chanyeol dismissively and Chanyeol shakes his head, an amused quirk to his lips.
“I’m only worried that I have to drag you back to the apartment,” he says, “I don’t give a fuck about Sehun.”
“Hey!”
Jongin laughs loudly at that while Sehun tosses a balled-up napkin in Chanyeol’s direction. It misses, by a lot, and falls sadly to the floor, and Chanyeol just snorts, bends to pick it up and set it to the side. “Come on, maknae,” he says, “do your job.” He gestures to the table and Sehun grumbles at him but dutifully cuts up a few more pieces of meat that they have left.
They hang around for awhile and it’s nice to spend time like this, leaving behind all the worries that have taken over Chanyeol lately. Sehun suggests playing sam-yuk-gu, but ends up losing every time, while Chanyeol, who is definitely the most sober one left, manages to win repeatedly.
“Unfair,” Jongin complains, “you’re both good at math and numbers and shit. I went to school for literature!”
Chanyeol laughs. “What does that say about Sehun, who is actually doing his graduate studies in mathematics?”
“It says fuck you, pour me another drink,” Sehun retorts and Chanyeol’s laughter only gets louder.
In the end, Chanyeol’s not really surprised that he’s dragging both Sehun and Jongin back to the apartment, one on either side of him. He could probably hail a cab, but it’s not that far and they can still mostly walk. The cool night air might help sober them up some, too. Or he hopes, because the way Jongin has taken to clinging to his left arm makes it difficult to walk without stumbling himself. He’s impossibly warm against him, cheeks a little flushed from his drinking, and Chanyeol stays as detached as possible, even when Sehun shoots him amused looks whenever Jongin whines about the walk home being too long and curls in even closer.
“We’re almost there, you big baby,” Sehun says and he tugs Jongin away from Chanyeol, picking a fight and leaving Chanyeol blissfully free. He’ll have to thank Sehun for that later, because even if he’s a little shit, he doesn’t seem to always want Chanyeol to suffer.
Chanyeol unlocks the door to their apartment when they arrive and Jongin and Sehun practically faceplant in the doorway. He laughs, manages to get them both inside so he can shut the door after them, and then Sehun is flopping onto the couch instead, kicking his shoes off so they fall to the floor haphazardly. Chanyeol sighs and leaves it for now, too tired to pick up after him, and he pulls Jongin toward his room.
“In you go,” he says, yanking back the covers and gently pushing Jongin onto the mattress. Jongin rolls from side to side for a while before he yawns and settles and Chanyeol forces himself not to reach out and push his hair from his face. Instead he leaves, heads to the bathroom to quickly wash up, stripping out of his clothes and leaving them in a pooled puddle on the floor. He can clean that up tomorrow, too.
By the time he comes back out, Jongin has somehow made it into his bed, and he’s lost his pants along the way. Chanyeol sighs, scrubbing at his face and weighing the terrible options. He could stay, or he could go sleep in Jongin’s room instead, but before he makes the decision, Jongin is peering an eye open and grumbling at him.
“Aren’t you sleeping?” he asks and, well, Chanyeol really does have so much trouble saying no.
He climbs into bed next to him, resolutely turning his back to Jongin and facing the doors to his closet, and he stays still even when Jongin presses in close to his back and warm, warm fingers curl around his waist. This is nothing unusual, this happens practically every single day, but right now Chanyeol’s heart is racing and his stomach is coiling like he’s eaten something expired, and he realizes, with a start, that maybe he can’t do this anymore...be so close, but not close enough. With so much else to worry about, this…this thing that he has with Jongin, it would be best to push it even further away than he already has.
ii