fic; evanescence
THIS IS THE LAST ONE. SORRY FOR SPAMMING. If you read any of them, I hope you enjoyed! :) ♥
Title: Evanescence
Pairing: RyoShige friendship
Rating: Hard R for murder, cutting, paranoia, character death
Prompt: Shige ends up in some situation where he kills someone accidentally (idk self-defense or something) and doesn't know what to do, too scared to go to the cops. He seeks help from Ryo, but what he did ends up haunting him, and he thinks everyone knows what he did, when they don't, he thinks he sees the person he killed everywhere, etc. etc. Ryo's the only one who knows what's happened and tries to help, up to you whether he's able to or not.
Author’s Note: 4523 words. For the jetrickortreat meme. Lol, technically for me! This was my own prompt that I wanted to write the second after I posted it on the meme. XD I actually really love how this turned out, despite the context. Originally posted here.
He stares at the ground, at the lifeless body that stares up at him from behind glossy, empty eyes. His heart is in his ears, sounds like sirens, telling him to get out, get out now.
His eyes drop to the knife in his hands, the blade a bright red, so bright, so unbelievably bright, it shines in the darkness of the alley. He staggers backward, fingers go lax and it falls to the ground, clatters louder, piercing through the downpour of rain all around him.
He runs.
-
Ryo glares at his clock flashing 3 AM at him, and grumbles as he curls around in bed, ignoring the strange noise filling his apartment.
Then he realizes the noise is someone pounding on his front door and it’s with a huge effort that he hauls himself out of bed. If it’s Yamapi or Jin again Ryo is going to kill them, feeling like hell swarmed over, and pulls open the door.
If he feels like hell swarmed over, then Shige looks like it, wet and shaking from head to toe, eyes wide, bloodshot.
“What the fuck,” Ryo says, wide awake, and catching Shige just in time when the younger man collapses before him.
-
“I-It’s back there,” Shige says in a quiet voice, and his eyes are shut tight.
“Okay,” Ryo says, “okay. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
Ryo’s heart hammers in his chest, and he makes sure Shige is okay to be alone before he gets out of his car and enters the dark alley.
The body is there, like Shige said it would. A slightly older man, bigger and scary-looking. Ryo leaves him there, searching instead for the knife. When he finds it, he picks it up with his gloved hand and drops it into the plastic bag he’d brought with.
He steps over the body and returns to his car, tossing the knife into the trunk. He gets inside and looks at Shige, now dressed in Ryo’s ill-fitting clothes, but at least they’re dry. “What about the body?” he asks, and feels a chill run up his spine, never once expecting to say such a sentence.
Shige wildly shakes his head. “I-I don’t know,” he says. “C-Can we just leave it there? You got the knife, right?”
Ryo nods. “That’s fine. I don’t want to hide a body, anyway,” he says and knows it’s the right decision when Shige exhales in relief.
-
They drive in silence back to Ryo’s apartment. Shige feels like a zombie, following Ryo mindlessly, his mind and body numb with terror, with nausea, with helplessness. He is still amazed Ryo didn’t ask any questions, that Ryo just grabbed his keys and said, “Where?”
But when they get inside and Ryo hands Shige a mug of warm milk, he says, “What happened?”
Shige puts the milk away; he knows he can’t keep anything down. He shakes his head.
Ryo grips his shoulder and it’s warm. “You have to tell me, Shige. What happened?”
It takes him ten minutes before he finally explains. He was leaving the bar, heading home. The guy, he came out of nowhere, pulled Shige into the alley, pulled out the knife.
Shige can remember it all vividly before his eyes as he tells Ryo. “He said to get on my knees, to stay quiet and he wouldn’t hurt me,” he says and winces when Ryo grips his shoulder tighter. Ryo looks furious, when Shige meets his eyes, and he swallows thickly, continues. “He start-started to, you know. But I, I fought him. When, when he dropped the knife, I-I grabbed it.”
Ryo’s hand on his shoulder is painful but Shige doesn’t want him to let go.
“I-I stabbed him,” Shige breathes, and he sees it playing out like a movie behind his eyelids, watches as he pushes the knife into the man’s gut when he lunges for him, watches the man’s horror-struck face, watches as he crumbles to the floor, as blood soaks his shirt. “I killedhim. God, I killed him!”
The unbridled fear is back, coursing through him until he’s nearly convulsing.
“Shige,” Ryo says, eyes widening with concern, pulling Shige to him, arms tight around him until Shige calms down.
Shige clings back, choking back sobs, and forces himself not to think about it. Ryo’s voice is soothing in his ear, his fingers threading through his hair.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s self-defense, you know. Wh-Why didn’t you go to the police?”
Shige shakes his head violently. “The media . . .” he mumbles. “Wh-What would they say? If anyone saw me there, if word got out, if-”
“Shh, calm down,” Ryo says. “I get it, it’s okay. But Shige, you can’t just not tell the police.”
Shige pulls back from Ryo and his eyes are full of horror. “No!” he exclaims. “You can’t. Please, Nishikido-kun, you can’t tell anyone. It’s done, isn’t it? The-the only thing they could get prints off is the knife and we got rid of it.”
“Shige-”
“Please, Nishikido-kun,” Shige begs, and tears are threatening to break free.
Ryo stares at him for a very long time. Then he sighs and stands. “Come on, you need to sleep,” he says and pulls Shige into the bedroom.
Shige grabs his wrist before he leaves and says, “Stay, please. I-I can’t be alone right now.”
Ryo nods, gently brushing the hair from Shige’s face, and says, “All right.” He walks around the bed and gets under the covers and Shige instantly curls up next to him.
“Thank you,” he says quietly and it’s with Ryo’s hand in his hair that Shige falls asleep.
-
Shige’s good at pretending. No one notices anything is wrong, except asking whether he’s gotten enough sleep. He hasn’t, but tells them he has. No one can know about the nightmares.
They consume him every second he closes his eyes. Sleep claims him and then the nightmares creep into his mind, crawling through his veins and latching onto him.
He remembers that night, plunging that knife into the man’s body, watching him die before his eyes. And it’s worse, in his nightmares, because there are more. He kills again, and again, and again. A pile of lifeless, gruesome bodies line up on the floor of white room, white floor, ceiling, and walls. The blood, so much blood, is a stark and vivid contrast.
“Look what you’ve done,” a voice says, thundering around him, and a body comes to life, crawling towards him with broken limbs. “Murderer,” it says, and soon, the others chant with it, and Shige finds himself crowded into a corner.
He wakes up in a cold sweat, bile in his throat and rushing to the bathroom to throw up. Even after he’s fully awake, the voice still haunts him.
Murderer.
-
Ryo isn’t stupid. He may be the one saying harsh things, criticizing everyone in the group, but he also pays attention to them more than they think. And he knows when something is wrong.
And something is definitely wrong with Shige.
He can see through the fake smiles that everyone else believes. He can see the fright in his eyes every few seconds, he can see him jump when someone calls his name, touches him without his realizing first.
“Are you okay?” he asks, cornering him after a meeting a week after the incident.
Shige looks at him and Ryo sees terror in his eyes, sees a plea of help, before he looks away. He shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he says.
Ryo can see Koyama staring at him and says in a hushed whisper, “Shige, you can’t hide from me. You know what I did for you, so if something’s wrong. You can tell me.”
Shige glances at him again but he’s looking away before Ryo can decipher his reaction. “Thanks, Nishikido-kun. But I’m okay.”
And before Ryo can pressure him more, he sneaks around him and rejoins the others. Ryo frowns, uneasiness settling in his stomach. He knows Shige’s lying, and promises himself to watch over him closer from now on. Just to be safe.
-
They’re all staring at him. Shige can feel it. Everyone’s eyes, all of them. People he doesn’t know, people he’s never met or seen before. They keep staring.
They know.
Shut up, Shige tells that voice in his head. The one that won’t go away. They can’t know.
They know, it says again and Shige clutches his head in his hands, shakes. Look at them, staring at you. They know. They hate you. You’re awful. You murderer.
No, Shige thinks. No, no, no. No, they don’t know. They can’t know. But he can feel it, feels their stares. Everyone. All of them. Koyama, Koyama frowning, eyes wide, unable to believe it.
“You didn’t,” he says, voice light, like he’s expecting Shige to laugh and say it’s a joke. “Shige couldn’t kill anyone.”
“It was an accident,” he says, “believe me, it was just an accident.”
“How could Shige do something like that?” Koyama says.
“You-You don’t understand!” Shige exclaims, frightened, because they’re turning on him, he can sense it, glaring, hating, turning his backs on him.
“No,” he cries, curling in on himself. “No.”
-
Ryo’s heart dies a little in his chest when Shige comes by two weeks later. He looks awful, dark circles under his eyes, and he’s lost weight.
“Shige,” he says, pulling him inside. “What has happened to you?”
“C-Can I stay here?” he questions instead of answering, looking at Ryo with hopeful eyes, and if Ryo hadn’t already thought of insisting Shige stay the second he saw him, staring into those eyes would’ve made him.
“Of course,” he says. “Do you need anything? Food, water?”
Shige shakes his head. “Just. Don’t leave,” he says quietly, and as Ryo looks at him, he’s reminded of the young boy when NEWS first started, who would get upset after making a mistake during dance practices, small and vulnerable, and even if, back then Ryo had been the one to pick on him and criticize him, right now, Ryo wanted nothing more than to keep him close.
He knows something is wrong, has been seeing it in the way Shige has been acting over the past weeks. He’s quieter, less exuberant, and he rarely looks anyone in the eye.
“You want a shower?” Ryo asks him and Shige seems to perk up at the idea, nodding. “I’ll get you a towel.”
“…Thanks, Nishikido-kun,” Shige says and Ryo just smiles, pats his head and replies, “I think you can call me Ryo, if you want. Besides, we’ve conspirators,” he teases, “we have an unbreakable bond now.”
He’s glad when Shige cracks a smile; it’s small but it’s a smile. Ryo realizes he hasn’t seen him smile since before the incident.
He hands Shige the towel and tells him he’ll find something for him to wear, too, and lets Shige into the bathroom before turning to his room. He rifles through his closet, looking for clothes that Shige could use, and ends up finding some sweats Yamapi left awhile back, which will definitely fit Shige better than any of Ryo’s bottoms, and grabs a shirt that’s a little too big for him as well.
The door’s unlocked, so Ryo just sets the clothes inside, and then heads to the kitchen. He’s already had dinner, but it seems like Shige hasn’t eaten for days, and starts to prepare something.
He’s halfway through frying meat on the stove when he hears it. At first he wonders if he left the television on, but a quick glance over his shoulder disproves that theory. He stops what he’s doing and strains his ears, and he hears it again, the sound echoing through the apartment in Shige’s deep voice.
Except it doesn’t sound that deep; it’s high and frightened and Ryo nearly jumps when he hears the violent No that rips down the hall and into the kitchen.
Ryo’s rushing over instantly, and as he gets closer the screaming gets louder, he hears water splashing and Shige’s continuous shouts.
No, believe me! It’s not my fault! I didn’t mean to do it!
Ryo wrenches open the door and his heart falls from his chest.
“Shige!” he exclaims, rushing in to grab him, pulling his arms apart, trying not to stare at the blade in his hand or at the gash he’s made across his right wrist.
Shige thrashes against him until Ryo manages to make him drop the blade, and realizes he’d pulled apart a razor to get it. He’s wet from his shower, the water still running, but Ryo pulls him up and sticks his hand until the sink faucet, until the bleeding seems to stop, ignoring Shige’s whimpers.
“What the fuck are you thinking?” Ryo says in a low voice, unable to yell, even though he wants to. His heart his racing, something is terribly, horribly wrong, and the image of Shige on the floor with blood staining the tile, trailing down his arms is an image that’ll forever haunt him. He can’t believe Shige would do this.
Shige is shaking in his hold and Ryo can barely make out the words in his tiny voice, such a contrast from the screaming moments earlier, “Make it stop.”
Fear burns into Ryo’s body and he swallows hard, nods. “Don’t worry,” he says thickly. “It’ll be fine.”
“Please,” Shige whispers and Ryo’s chest aches.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. Just. Come on, dry off, okay?” Ryo first grabs some gauze and bandages from the first aid kit in the bathroom cabinet and wraps it around Shige’s wound. He hands Shige the towel and turns off the shower. Shige dries off and redresses slowly, robotically, while Ryo watches solemnly.
When he’s done, Ryo grabs his hand and pulls him to the kitchen, sits him down at the table. The food has burnt beyond repair and Ryo carelessly tosses it into the trash, cleans up, and sits down next to Shige.
“What’s going on?” he says in a firm voice. “Don’t you fucking lie to me, Shige, not after this.”
Shige clenches his eyes shut, draws his legs up to rest his chin on his knees. “I-I’m scared, Ryo,” he says. “I just want it all to stop.”
“Want what to stop?” Ryo demands, his voice getting louder out of fright and impatience. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on!”
“I-I can’t!” Shige exclaims. “I-I don’t know! I think, I think I’m going crazy, Ryo. I don’t know what’s happening.”
He looks on the verge of tears, eyes wide and helpless and even though Ryo wants to force the answers from him, he knows that’s not the way. He takes a staggering breath, calms himself and says, “All right. All right. But what you just did, Shige, I-”
“I won’t do it again,” Shige interrupts quickly. “I-I don’t even know why I did it. I won’t. I promise.”
“Shige-”
“Please, Ryo. Believe me,” he says and Ryo grits his teeth, tries not to blow up at him.
Finally he replies, “Okay. But tomorrow you’re getting stuff from your place and you’re staying here with me.” When Shige opens his mouth, presumably to decline, Ryo gives him a worried look and adds, “Just for a while, okay? I’m worried about you.”
Shige slowly nods and Ryo sighs in relief. “Can I sleep?” he asks then, standing.
“Don’t you want to eat?”
Shige shakes his head. “Maybe later? I’m tired.”
“Go ahead then,” Ryo says with a sigh, and once Shige’s in bed, Ryo clears out his entire apartment for anything sharp, putting it all into a box and hiding it in the furthest corner of his closet under a pile of clothes.
-
Living with Ryo brings back the sanity Shige thought he’d lost. But the moments are still there, frightfully unnerving until he can barely handle it, screaming himself and Ryo awake, gasping for breath as he tries to rid himself of the uneasiness that crawls within him.
He knows he’s worrying Ryo, Ryo who holds him, strokes his hair, lets Shige cry until it’s all out of his system, feeds him, helps him, cares for him. Ryo, who Shige never thought would be this comforting, this concerned, keeping Shige’s secret like it’s his own. No one else knows, no one else can ever find out.
But it hurts, those moments when he’s alone, when Ryo has work with Kanjani8 and can’t be there when the voices ring inside his head.
Murderer, they say, over and over again. You killed someone. You don’t deserve to live.
And all he can think back is, You’re right.
He’s careful, he has to be. He brought the knife with him from home, and the cuts he makes are shallow but are just enough, enough to make it go away for awhile. For a few blissful, peaceful hours, they’re gone, and his mind is his own again.
-
“You know what’s wrong, don’t you?” Koyama asks, worry in his eyes.
Ryo’s not surprised that Koyama’s cornered him about this and he wants to lie, but nods instead, unable to resist the older man’s expression. “I do,” he says.
“You can’t tell me, can you?” he says.
Ryo shakes his head. “He wouldn’t want me to.”
Koyama nods, biting his lower lip and looking teary. Ryo squeezes his shoulder and says, “Don’t worry, okay? I’m helping him. He’ll be okay.”
Koyama stares long and hard at him and then finally nods again. “I know,” he says with a smile. “Thank you.”
Ryo watches him leave and return to the dressing room but he waits in the hall for awhile longer, thinking he shouldn’t yet be thanked when he hasn’t done anything, when Shige continues to delve deeper into darkness.
-
“You look better,” Ryo says, eying Shige critically.
Shige smiles. “I feel better,” he says, squashing down the guilt in his head as he subconsciously covers his right wrist with his left hand.
It’s not a lie; he does feel better. Finding his only, effective form of treatment. But he hates lying to Ryo, especially to Ryo who has been there this whole time, watching over him and making sure he was okay. He can’t know, though, Shige can’t imagine the look of disappoint in his eyes if he knew the truth.
“You know I’m not just doing this because I-” Ryo stops, takes a breath and continues, “I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine, Ryo,” Shige says, and it’s surprising how easy the lie comes. “Thank you, for everything.”
Ryo just shakes his head and Shige smiles, even though the guilt clings to him even tighter then.
Later, when Ryo has passed out, Shige sneaks to the bathroom again, clutching his knife in his fist like it’s his only hope of survival, and lately it has been. He watches as makes another cut, the bright red flowing along his skin like a river, and it’s almost beautiful against his pale skin.
It’s okay, he tells himself, as the images of murder, of that man, that man he sees everywhere, haunting him, vanishes from his mind, getting sucked into a black hole, leaving him with emptiness, whiteness, pureness. This is okay, he convinces himself.
But when he joins Ryo in bed an hour later, and Ryo instantly reaches for him, holding him tight as if to confirm he’s really there, uneasiness settles in his stomach again. This time, he can’t sleep, not because of the horror that claims his mind, but because of the unnerving worry he’s making Ryo go through on his behalf.
Look what you’re putting him through, comes that voice in his head. Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t exist? it says.
As Ryo’s fingers grip his shirt in his sleep, Shige falls a little further.
-
The one thing that makes Ryo feel all right about everything is the fact that he never sees the murder reported anywhere. He checks, looking in the papers and on the news and online to see if that man’s face pops up with a detailed investigation. It’s as if he was never found, like it didn’t even happen.
But that’s fine with Ryo. It calms him, a little, knowing that there’s no one coming after them, after Shige. He knows he’d put up a fight if they did, would be Shige’s personal guardian, like he has been this past month, making sure they understood what had happened, how much of a toll it had since taken on Shige.
Shige who is not the same as Ryo remembers him. He’s changed. He’s quiet. He’s secretive. He’s frightened. Ryo sees it in his eyes. But he won’t spill the truth, won’t tell Ryo what is bothering him and Ryo is beating his fist at a wall that refuses to crumble, is surprised Shige can be so adamant about that when he seems so fragile.
He still wakes up nightly, screaming, shouting, his heart racing out of his chest, only calming down when Ryo holds him, tells him it’s all right. In the end, Shige falls back asleep and Ryo is lying awake, his own heart thudding like drums in his ears while he keeps his arms around Shige, thinking about what he’s doing, what more he could do, wanting to fix it, help him, make it all go away.
He feels useless.
He needs answers. He needs to know what is going on, down to the tiniest, most insignificant piece of information.
He’s tried not to push Shige, but now, enough is enough. It’s been over a month, and Ryo deserves answers.
Shige seems like he expects it when Ryo sits him down one evening. “Don’t make me tell you, Ryo,” he says quietly, looking at his lap.
“You’re having nightmares, Shige, I know that,” he says. “You’ve had them every night.”
“There’re not all I have,” he replies.
“Then tell me,” Ryo persists and when he notices Shige is trembling slightly, he grabs one of his hands in both of his, squeezing gently, not noticing Shige’s flinch and staring hard at him until Shige meets his eyes. “Shige,” he says softly, “I can’t help you unless you tell me everything.”
Shige shakes his head. “No,” he says, “No, I can’t. I can’t make you worry.”
“God, Shige,” Ryo practically screams. “I’m already worried! You’re making me more worried. What the fuck is going on that makes you so scared to tell me?”
“It’s nothing,” Shige says, pulling his hand away from Ryo’s grasp. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not!” Ryo yells, rage and fury and concern flooding his veins. He hates not knowing what to do, how to get Shige to talk, to tell him the truth.
Shige’s on his feet now, backing away. “I’m sorry, Ryo,” he says in a choked voice, “but, this, I-I have to deal with myself. I can’t. I won’t let you suffer.”
And before Ryo can stop him, Shige’s run out the door.
-
Just tell him.
“I can’t,” Shige says, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to block out the world, block out Ryo’s look of sadness, of concern.
You’re a coward. Look at what he’s done for you.
“Shut up,” Shige hisses, balling his fists.
You’re worthless. A coward, a murderer. Look at them, all of them, everyone around you. They all see it. They know.
Shige shakes his head. “No,” he whispers.
Pathetic. Look at yourself. You don’t deserve to live.
Shige looks, looks up at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t recognize the man that stares back at him. “No,” he whispers again.
Murderer.
“No,” he screams, and his fist hits the glass.
-
“Have you seen Shige?” Ryo questions frantically into the phone.
“No,” Koyama replies and Ryo curses. “Why, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just. Nothing. Call me, if you hear from him, okay?” Ryo says and without letting Koyama ask anything else, he hangs up.
It’s raining outside, the sky dark with cloudy shadows. It reminds him of that night.
“Fuck, Shige,” he mutters, running down the crowded sidewalks. “Where did you go?”
-
Just end it, the voice tells him. You know you want to.
Shige, curled upon the floor, nursing a bleeding hand, nods. “Yes,” he says to himself, and slowly gets to his feet.
In the kitchen, he grabs a knife, while in the bathroom his forgotten phone vibrates, over and over.
-
“Have you checked his apartment?” Koyama asks urgently.
“But he’s been staying with me-”
“Where else could he be?”
“Shit,” Ryo mutters and hangs up again, turning around to head back toward Shige’s apartment. The thought never even occurred to him. He’d gotten so used to Shige living with him, he forgot the younger man even had his own place.
His eyes widen at the thought of what Shige is doing there, and pulls out his phone to call him and cursing when it goes to voicemail.
He runs faster.
-
Shige closes his eyes and breathes deeply, peacefully. This is right, he thinks, as his body fills with tingles, prickles, all over, as he presses the blade a little deeper, a little harder. The blood doesn’t disgust him anymore, and he opens his eyes to watch. It’s almost soothing, as if watching the horror and the agony stream out of him.
This is right, he tells himself, this is the only way.
And the voices, they don’t respond.
He smiles, his mind his own at last.
-
Ryo pulls the door open so hard he thinks he might have unhinged it. He’s just glad Shige forgot to lock it after himself.
His shoes are in the genkan and Ryo’s heart is ringing in his ears. “Shige?” he calls. When no one responds he rushes inside.
The apartment is dark save for a light from a door down the hall. He heads there instantly, pushes open the door and finds the bathroom covered in glass, the mirror broken, specs of blood on the sink.
“Shige!” he shouts again, and only silence answers. He moves onto the bedroom.
He nearly falls to his feet at the sight that greets him behind the door. The blood, so much of it, seems to have dyed Shige’s entire bedspread, his body lying in the middle. His eyes are closed, and the knife is still between his fingers.
“No,” Ryo breathes, “no, no, no.”
He doesn’t dare to get closer, but his body is moving anyway, eyes on Shige’s face, the most peaceful he’s seen it look since that night. He reaches out, touches his cheek, and jumps from the cold touch.
“Shige?” he says, quietly, as if it’s a sick, twisted joke, as if he’ll wake up any moment now, laughing.
But it never comes, and Ryo continues to stare at the lifeless, empty body of the man he was trying so hard to save.
Ryo collapses to the ground beside the bed, Shige’s fingers in his hands, and, as he feels his heart break into two, he whispers, “I’m sorry.”
Title: Evanescence
Pairing: RyoShige friendship
Rating: Hard R for murder, cutting, paranoia, character death
Prompt: Shige ends up in some situation where he kills someone accidentally (idk self-defense or something) and doesn't know what to do, too scared to go to the cops. He seeks help from Ryo, but what he did ends up haunting him, and he thinks everyone knows what he did, when they don't, he thinks he sees the person he killed everywhere, etc. etc. Ryo's the only one who knows what's happened and tries to help, up to you whether he's able to or not.
Author’s Note: 4523 words. For the jetrickortreat meme. Lol, technically for me! This was my own prompt that I wanted to write the second after I posted it on the meme. XD I actually really love how this turned out, despite the context. Originally posted here.
He stares at the ground, at the lifeless body that stares up at him from behind glossy, empty eyes. His heart is in his ears, sounds like sirens, telling him to get out, get out now.
His eyes drop to the knife in his hands, the blade a bright red, so bright, so unbelievably bright, it shines in the darkness of the alley. He staggers backward, fingers go lax and it falls to the ground, clatters louder, piercing through the downpour of rain all around him.
He runs.
-
Ryo glares at his clock flashing 3 AM at him, and grumbles as he curls around in bed, ignoring the strange noise filling his apartment.
Then he realizes the noise is someone pounding on his front door and it’s with a huge effort that he hauls himself out of bed. If it’s Yamapi or Jin again Ryo is going to kill them, feeling like hell swarmed over, and pulls open the door.
If he feels like hell swarmed over, then Shige looks like it, wet and shaking from head to toe, eyes wide, bloodshot.
“What the fuck,” Ryo says, wide awake, and catching Shige just in time when the younger man collapses before him.
-
“I-It’s back there,” Shige says in a quiet voice, and his eyes are shut tight.
“Okay,” Ryo says, “okay. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
Ryo’s heart hammers in his chest, and he makes sure Shige is okay to be alone before he gets out of his car and enters the dark alley.
The body is there, like Shige said it would. A slightly older man, bigger and scary-looking. Ryo leaves him there, searching instead for the knife. When he finds it, he picks it up with his gloved hand and drops it into the plastic bag he’d brought with.
He steps over the body and returns to his car, tossing the knife into the trunk. He gets inside and looks at Shige, now dressed in Ryo’s ill-fitting clothes, but at least they’re dry. “What about the body?” he asks, and feels a chill run up his spine, never once expecting to say such a sentence.
Shige wildly shakes his head. “I-I don’t know,” he says. “C-Can we just leave it there? You got the knife, right?”
Ryo nods. “That’s fine. I don’t want to hide a body, anyway,” he says and knows it’s the right decision when Shige exhales in relief.
-
They drive in silence back to Ryo’s apartment. Shige feels like a zombie, following Ryo mindlessly, his mind and body numb with terror, with nausea, with helplessness. He is still amazed Ryo didn’t ask any questions, that Ryo just grabbed his keys and said, “Where?”
But when they get inside and Ryo hands Shige a mug of warm milk, he says, “What happened?”
Shige puts the milk away; he knows he can’t keep anything down. He shakes his head.
Ryo grips his shoulder and it’s warm. “You have to tell me, Shige. What happened?”
It takes him ten minutes before he finally explains. He was leaving the bar, heading home. The guy, he came out of nowhere, pulled Shige into the alley, pulled out the knife.
Shige can remember it all vividly before his eyes as he tells Ryo. “He said to get on my knees, to stay quiet and he wouldn’t hurt me,” he says and winces when Ryo grips his shoulder tighter. Ryo looks furious, when Shige meets his eyes, and he swallows thickly, continues. “He start-started to, you know. But I, I fought him. When, when he dropped the knife, I-I grabbed it.”
Ryo’s hand on his shoulder is painful but Shige doesn’t want him to let go.
“I-I stabbed him,” Shige breathes, and he sees it playing out like a movie behind his eyelids, watches as he pushes the knife into the man’s gut when he lunges for him, watches the man’s horror-struck face, watches as he crumbles to the floor, as blood soaks his shirt. “I killedhim. God, I killed him!”
The unbridled fear is back, coursing through him until he’s nearly convulsing.
“Shige,” Ryo says, eyes widening with concern, pulling Shige to him, arms tight around him until Shige calms down.
Shige clings back, choking back sobs, and forces himself not to think about it. Ryo’s voice is soothing in his ear, his fingers threading through his hair.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s self-defense, you know. Wh-Why didn’t you go to the police?”
Shige shakes his head violently. “The media . . .” he mumbles. “Wh-What would they say? If anyone saw me there, if word got out, if-”
“Shh, calm down,” Ryo says. “I get it, it’s okay. But Shige, you can’t just not tell the police.”
Shige pulls back from Ryo and his eyes are full of horror. “No!” he exclaims. “You can’t. Please, Nishikido-kun, you can’t tell anyone. It’s done, isn’t it? The-the only thing they could get prints off is the knife and we got rid of it.”
“Shige-”
“Please, Nishikido-kun,” Shige begs, and tears are threatening to break free.
Ryo stares at him for a very long time. Then he sighs and stands. “Come on, you need to sleep,” he says and pulls Shige into the bedroom.
Shige grabs his wrist before he leaves and says, “Stay, please. I-I can’t be alone right now.”
Ryo nods, gently brushing the hair from Shige’s face, and says, “All right.” He walks around the bed and gets under the covers and Shige instantly curls up next to him.
“Thank you,” he says quietly and it’s with Ryo’s hand in his hair that Shige falls asleep.
-
Shige’s good at pretending. No one notices anything is wrong, except asking whether he’s gotten enough sleep. He hasn’t, but tells them he has. No one can know about the nightmares.
They consume him every second he closes his eyes. Sleep claims him and then the nightmares creep into his mind, crawling through his veins and latching onto him.
He remembers that night, plunging that knife into the man’s body, watching him die before his eyes. And it’s worse, in his nightmares, because there are more. He kills again, and again, and again. A pile of lifeless, gruesome bodies line up on the floor of white room, white floor, ceiling, and walls. The blood, so much blood, is a stark and vivid contrast.
“Look what you’ve done,” a voice says, thundering around him, and a body comes to life, crawling towards him with broken limbs. “Murderer,” it says, and soon, the others chant with it, and Shige finds himself crowded into a corner.
He wakes up in a cold sweat, bile in his throat and rushing to the bathroom to throw up. Even after he’s fully awake, the voice still haunts him.
Murderer.
-
Ryo isn’t stupid. He may be the one saying harsh things, criticizing everyone in the group, but he also pays attention to them more than they think. And he knows when something is wrong.
And something is definitely wrong with Shige.
He can see through the fake smiles that everyone else believes. He can see the fright in his eyes every few seconds, he can see him jump when someone calls his name, touches him without his realizing first.
“Are you okay?” he asks, cornering him after a meeting a week after the incident.
Shige looks at him and Ryo sees terror in his eyes, sees a plea of help, before he looks away. He shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he says.
Ryo can see Koyama staring at him and says in a hushed whisper, “Shige, you can’t hide from me. You know what I did for you, so if something’s wrong. You can tell me.”
Shige glances at him again but he’s looking away before Ryo can decipher his reaction. “Thanks, Nishikido-kun. But I’m okay.”
And before Ryo can pressure him more, he sneaks around him and rejoins the others. Ryo frowns, uneasiness settling in his stomach. He knows Shige’s lying, and promises himself to watch over him closer from now on. Just to be safe.
-
They’re all staring at him. Shige can feel it. Everyone’s eyes, all of them. People he doesn’t know, people he’s never met or seen before. They keep staring.
They know.
Shut up, Shige tells that voice in his head. The one that won’t go away. They can’t know.
They know, it says again and Shige clutches his head in his hands, shakes. Look at them, staring at you. They know. They hate you. You’re awful. You murderer.
No, Shige thinks. No, no, no. No, they don’t know. They can’t know. But he can feel it, feels their stares. Everyone. All of them. Koyama, Koyama frowning, eyes wide, unable to believe it.
“You didn’t,” he says, voice light, like he’s expecting Shige to laugh and say it’s a joke. “Shige couldn’t kill anyone.”
“It was an accident,” he says, “believe me, it was just an accident.”
“How could Shige do something like that?” Koyama says.
“You-You don’t understand!” Shige exclaims, frightened, because they’re turning on him, he can sense it, glaring, hating, turning his backs on him.
“No,” he cries, curling in on himself. “No.”
-
Ryo’s heart dies a little in his chest when Shige comes by two weeks later. He looks awful, dark circles under his eyes, and he’s lost weight.
“Shige,” he says, pulling him inside. “What has happened to you?”
“C-Can I stay here?” he questions instead of answering, looking at Ryo with hopeful eyes, and if Ryo hadn’t already thought of insisting Shige stay the second he saw him, staring into those eyes would’ve made him.
“Of course,” he says. “Do you need anything? Food, water?”
Shige shakes his head. “Just. Don’t leave,” he says quietly, and as Ryo looks at him, he’s reminded of the young boy when NEWS first started, who would get upset after making a mistake during dance practices, small and vulnerable, and even if, back then Ryo had been the one to pick on him and criticize him, right now, Ryo wanted nothing more than to keep him close.
He knows something is wrong, has been seeing it in the way Shige has been acting over the past weeks. He’s quieter, less exuberant, and he rarely looks anyone in the eye.
“You want a shower?” Ryo asks him and Shige seems to perk up at the idea, nodding. “I’ll get you a towel.”
“…Thanks, Nishikido-kun,” Shige says and Ryo just smiles, pats his head and replies, “I think you can call me Ryo, if you want. Besides, we’ve conspirators,” he teases, “we have an unbreakable bond now.”
He’s glad when Shige cracks a smile; it’s small but it’s a smile. Ryo realizes he hasn’t seen him smile since before the incident.
He hands Shige the towel and tells him he’ll find something for him to wear, too, and lets Shige into the bathroom before turning to his room. He rifles through his closet, looking for clothes that Shige could use, and ends up finding some sweats Yamapi left awhile back, which will definitely fit Shige better than any of Ryo’s bottoms, and grabs a shirt that’s a little too big for him as well.
The door’s unlocked, so Ryo just sets the clothes inside, and then heads to the kitchen. He’s already had dinner, but it seems like Shige hasn’t eaten for days, and starts to prepare something.
He’s halfway through frying meat on the stove when he hears it. At first he wonders if he left the television on, but a quick glance over his shoulder disproves that theory. He stops what he’s doing and strains his ears, and he hears it again, the sound echoing through the apartment in Shige’s deep voice.
Except it doesn’t sound that deep; it’s high and frightened and Ryo nearly jumps when he hears the violent No that rips down the hall and into the kitchen.
Ryo’s rushing over instantly, and as he gets closer the screaming gets louder, he hears water splashing and Shige’s continuous shouts.
No, believe me! It’s not my fault! I didn’t mean to do it!
Ryo wrenches open the door and his heart falls from his chest.
“Shige!” he exclaims, rushing in to grab him, pulling his arms apart, trying not to stare at the blade in his hand or at the gash he’s made across his right wrist.
Shige thrashes against him until Ryo manages to make him drop the blade, and realizes he’d pulled apart a razor to get it. He’s wet from his shower, the water still running, but Ryo pulls him up and sticks his hand until the sink faucet, until the bleeding seems to stop, ignoring Shige’s whimpers.
“What the fuck are you thinking?” Ryo says in a low voice, unable to yell, even though he wants to. His heart his racing, something is terribly, horribly wrong, and the image of Shige on the floor with blood staining the tile, trailing down his arms is an image that’ll forever haunt him. He can’t believe Shige would do this.
Shige is shaking in his hold and Ryo can barely make out the words in his tiny voice, such a contrast from the screaming moments earlier, “Make it stop.”
Fear burns into Ryo’s body and he swallows hard, nods. “Don’t worry,” he says thickly. “It’ll be fine.”
“Please,” Shige whispers and Ryo’s chest aches.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. Just. Come on, dry off, okay?” Ryo first grabs some gauze and bandages from the first aid kit in the bathroom cabinet and wraps it around Shige’s wound. He hands Shige the towel and turns off the shower. Shige dries off and redresses slowly, robotically, while Ryo watches solemnly.
When he’s done, Ryo grabs his hand and pulls him to the kitchen, sits him down at the table. The food has burnt beyond repair and Ryo carelessly tosses it into the trash, cleans up, and sits down next to Shige.
“What’s going on?” he says in a firm voice. “Don’t you fucking lie to me, Shige, not after this.”
Shige clenches his eyes shut, draws his legs up to rest his chin on his knees. “I-I’m scared, Ryo,” he says. “I just want it all to stop.”
“Want what to stop?” Ryo demands, his voice getting louder out of fright and impatience. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on!”
“I-I can’t!” Shige exclaims. “I-I don’t know! I think, I think I’m going crazy, Ryo. I don’t know what’s happening.”
He looks on the verge of tears, eyes wide and helpless and even though Ryo wants to force the answers from him, he knows that’s not the way. He takes a staggering breath, calms himself and says, “All right. All right. But what you just did, Shige, I-”
“I won’t do it again,” Shige interrupts quickly. “I-I don’t even know why I did it. I won’t. I promise.”
“Shige-”
“Please, Ryo. Believe me,” he says and Ryo grits his teeth, tries not to blow up at him.
Finally he replies, “Okay. But tomorrow you’re getting stuff from your place and you’re staying here with me.” When Shige opens his mouth, presumably to decline, Ryo gives him a worried look and adds, “Just for a while, okay? I’m worried about you.”
Shige slowly nods and Ryo sighs in relief. “Can I sleep?” he asks then, standing.
“Don’t you want to eat?”
Shige shakes his head. “Maybe later? I’m tired.”
“Go ahead then,” Ryo says with a sigh, and once Shige’s in bed, Ryo clears out his entire apartment for anything sharp, putting it all into a box and hiding it in the furthest corner of his closet under a pile of clothes.
-
Living with Ryo brings back the sanity Shige thought he’d lost. But the moments are still there, frightfully unnerving until he can barely handle it, screaming himself and Ryo awake, gasping for breath as he tries to rid himself of the uneasiness that crawls within him.
He knows he’s worrying Ryo, Ryo who holds him, strokes his hair, lets Shige cry until it’s all out of his system, feeds him, helps him, cares for him. Ryo, who Shige never thought would be this comforting, this concerned, keeping Shige’s secret like it’s his own. No one else knows, no one else can ever find out.
But it hurts, those moments when he’s alone, when Ryo has work with Kanjani8 and can’t be there when the voices ring inside his head.
Murderer, they say, over and over again. You killed someone. You don’t deserve to live.
And all he can think back is, You’re right.
He’s careful, he has to be. He brought the knife with him from home, and the cuts he makes are shallow but are just enough, enough to make it go away for awhile. For a few blissful, peaceful hours, they’re gone, and his mind is his own again.
-
“You know what’s wrong, don’t you?” Koyama asks, worry in his eyes.
Ryo’s not surprised that Koyama’s cornered him about this and he wants to lie, but nods instead, unable to resist the older man’s expression. “I do,” he says.
“You can’t tell me, can you?” he says.
Ryo shakes his head. “He wouldn’t want me to.”
Koyama nods, biting his lower lip and looking teary. Ryo squeezes his shoulder and says, “Don’t worry, okay? I’m helping him. He’ll be okay.”
Koyama stares long and hard at him and then finally nods again. “I know,” he says with a smile. “Thank you.”
Ryo watches him leave and return to the dressing room but he waits in the hall for awhile longer, thinking he shouldn’t yet be thanked when he hasn’t done anything, when Shige continues to delve deeper into darkness.
-
“You look better,” Ryo says, eying Shige critically.
Shige smiles. “I feel better,” he says, squashing down the guilt in his head as he subconsciously covers his right wrist with his left hand.
It’s not a lie; he does feel better. Finding his only, effective form of treatment. But he hates lying to Ryo, especially to Ryo who has been there this whole time, watching over him and making sure he was okay. He can’t know, though, Shige can’t imagine the look of disappoint in his eyes if he knew the truth.
“You know I’m not just doing this because I-” Ryo stops, takes a breath and continues, “I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine, Ryo,” Shige says, and it’s surprising how easy the lie comes. “Thank you, for everything.”
Ryo just shakes his head and Shige smiles, even though the guilt clings to him even tighter then.
Later, when Ryo has passed out, Shige sneaks to the bathroom again, clutching his knife in his fist like it’s his only hope of survival, and lately it has been. He watches as makes another cut, the bright red flowing along his skin like a river, and it’s almost beautiful against his pale skin.
It’s okay, he tells himself, as the images of murder, of that man, that man he sees everywhere, haunting him, vanishes from his mind, getting sucked into a black hole, leaving him with emptiness, whiteness, pureness. This is okay, he convinces himself.
But when he joins Ryo in bed an hour later, and Ryo instantly reaches for him, holding him tight as if to confirm he’s really there, uneasiness settles in his stomach again. This time, he can’t sleep, not because of the horror that claims his mind, but because of the unnerving worry he’s making Ryo go through on his behalf.
Look what you’re putting him through, comes that voice in his head. Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t exist? it says.
As Ryo’s fingers grip his shirt in his sleep, Shige falls a little further.
-
The one thing that makes Ryo feel all right about everything is the fact that he never sees the murder reported anywhere. He checks, looking in the papers and on the news and online to see if that man’s face pops up with a detailed investigation. It’s as if he was never found, like it didn’t even happen.
But that’s fine with Ryo. It calms him, a little, knowing that there’s no one coming after them, after Shige. He knows he’d put up a fight if they did, would be Shige’s personal guardian, like he has been this past month, making sure they understood what had happened, how much of a toll it had since taken on Shige.
Shige who is not the same as Ryo remembers him. He’s changed. He’s quiet. He’s secretive. He’s frightened. Ryo sees it in his eyes. But he won’t spill the truth, won’t tell Ryo what is bothering him and Ryo is beating his fist at a wall that refuses to crumble, is surprised Shige can be so adamant about that when he seems so fragile.
He still wakes up nightly, screaming, shouting, his heart racing out of his chest, only calming down when Ryo holds him, tells him it’s all right. In the end, Shige falls back asleep and Ryo is lying awake, his own heart thudding like drums in his ears while he keeps his arms around Shige, thinking about what he’s doing, what more he could do, wanting to fix it, help him, make it all go away.
He feels useless.
He needs answers. He needs to know what is going on, down to the tiniest, most insignificant piece of information.
He’s tried not to push Shige, but now, enough is enough. It’s been over a month, and Ryo deserves answers.
Shige seems like he expects it when Ryo sits him down one evening. “Don’t make me tell you, Ryo,” he says quietly, looking at his lap.
“You’re having nightmares, Shige, I know that,” he says. “You’ve had them every night.”
“There’re not all I have,” he replies.
“Then tell me,” Ryo persists and when he notices Shige is trembling slightly, he grabs one of his hands in both of his, squeezing gently, not noticing Shige’s flinch and staring hard at him until Shige meets his eyes. “Shige,” he says softly, “I can’t help you unless you tell me everything.”
Shige shakes his head. “No,” he says, “No, I can’t. I can’t make you worry.”
“God, Shige,” Ryo practically screams. “I’m already worried! You’re making me more worried. What the fuck is going on that makes you so scared to tell me?”
“It’s nothing,” Shige says, pulling his hand away from Ryo’s grasp. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not!” Ryo yells, rage and fury and concern flooding his veins. He hates not knowing what to do, how to get Shige to talk, to tell him the truth.
Shige’s on his feet now, backing away. “I’m sorry, Ryo,” he says in a choked voice, “but, this, I-I have to deal with myself. I can’t. I won’t let you suffer.”
And before Ryo can stop him, Shige’s run out the door.
-
Just tell him.
“I can’t,” Shige says, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to block out the world, block out Ryo’s look of sadness, of concern.
You’re a coward. Look at what he’s done for you.
“Shut up,” Shige hisses, balling his fists.
You’re worthless. A coward, a murderer. Look at them, all of them, everyone around you. They all see it. They know.
Shige shakes his head. “No,” he whispers.
Pathetic. Look at yourself. You don’t deserve to live.
Shige looks, looks up at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t recognize the man that stares back at him. “No,” he whispers again.
Murderer.
“No,” he screams, and his fist hits the glass.
-
“Have you seen Shige?” Ryo questions frantically into the phone.
“No,” Koyama replies and Ryo curses. “Why, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just. Nothing. Call me, if you hear from him, okay?” Ryo says and without letting Koyama ask anything else, he hangs up.
It’s raining outside, the sky dark with cloudy shadows. It reminds him of that night.
“Fuck, Shige,” he mutters, running down the crowded sidewalks. “Where did you go?”
-
Just end it, the voice tells him. You know you want to.
Shige, curled upon the floor, nursing a bleeding hand, nods. “Yes,” he says to himself, and slowly gets to his feet.
In the kitchen, he grabs a knife, while in the bathroom his forgotten phone vibrates, over and over.
-
“Have you checked his apartment?” Koyama asks urgently.
“But he’s been staying with me-”
“Where else could he be?”
“Shit,” Ryo mutters and hangs up again, turning around to head back toward Shige’s apartment. The thought never even occurred to him. He’d gotten so used to Shige living with him, he forgot the younger man even had his own place.
His eyes widen at the thought of what Shige is doing there, and pulls out his phone to call him and cursing when it goes to voicemail.
He runs faster.
-
Shige closes his eyes and breathes deeply, peacefully. This is right, he thinks, as his body fills with tingles, prickles, all over, as he presses the blade a little deeper, a little harder. The blood doesn’t disgust him anymore, and he opens his eyes to watch. It’s almost soothing, as if watching the horror and the agony stream out of him.
This is right, he tells himself, this is the only way.
And the voices, they don’t respond.
He smiles, his mind his own at last.
-
Ryo pulls the door open so hard he thinks he might have unhinged it. He’s just glad Shige forgot to lock it after himself.
His shoes are in the genkan and Ryo’s heart is ringing in his ears. “Shige?” he calls. When no one responds he rushes inside.
The apartment is dark save for a light from a door down the hall. He heads there instantly, pushes open the door and finds the bathroom covered in glass, the mirror broken, specs of blood on the sink.
“Shige!” he shouts again, and only silence answers. He moves onto the bedroom.
He nearly falls to his feet at the sight that greets him behind the door. The blood, so much of it, seems to have dyed Shige’s entire bedspread, his body lying in the middle. His eyes are closed, and the knife is still between his fingers.
“No,” Ryo breathes, “no, no, no.”
He doesn’t dare to get closer, but his body is moving anyway, eyes on Shige’s face, the most peaceful he’s seen it look since that night. He reaches out, touches his cheek, and jumps from the cold touch.
“Shige?” he says, quietly, as if it’s a sick, twisted joke, as if he’ll wake up any moment now, laughing.
But it never comes, and Ryo continues to stare at the lifeless, empty body of the man he was trying so hard to save.
Ryo collapses to the ground beside the bed, Shige’s fingers in his hands, and, as he feels his heart break into two, he whispers, “I’m sorry.”