fic; perfect lullaby
Title: Perfect Lullaby
Pairing: Ryo/Shige
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top. ~Virginia Woolf
Author's Notes: 10139 words. For sashjun through je_fqfest 2010. Inspired by this interview where Shige admits to having dreamt about Ryo. Millions of thanks to indian_monsoon for all of the amazing help and encouragement and beta along with mujun. ♥ The title is from Beyonce’s Sweet Dreams.
The wind is knocked straight out of him and he barely has the chance to think before he’s pushed forcefully up against a wall, a hand gripping his shoulder painfully. Shige’s eyes dart open wide as they find the face of the last person he would expect, but at least it’s someone he knows and not a murderer or something equally frightening. Although, from the look in Ryo’s eyes right now, Shige thinks Ryo could easily pass as someone with ill intentions.
He wonders what he did, why Ryo’s pushing him harder against the side of the jimusho building, why he’d even been waiting for him there. His face is just merely inches from his own and his eyes are so intense Shige forgets how to breathe, locked within that bottomless gaze. He doesn’t know why Ryo’s looking at him as though he’s ready to tear Shige apart from the inside, and just as Shige finds his mind to open his mouth to ask-
Shige jerks awake in bed, his alarm ringing loudly on the bedside table and he groggily smacks a hand over in the general vicinity until it stops. His heart is still racing from the unexpected and admittedly strange dream, and he rubs his eyes as he heads on wobbly feet to the bathroom. Although Shige never pays attention to his dreams as he usually just forgets them after he wakes up, today he can’t seem to shake this feeling, the way his skin almost tingles in anticipation and in interest from what he dreamt up. He finds it weird because he hasn’t seen Ryo in a long time (NEWS’ lack of group activities to blame for that) and so to randomly dream about him when they haven’t spoken in months intrigues him more than he would like to admit.
It doesn’t help that his dream gave him no indication whatsoever about why Ryo was shoving him against a wall with intent to yell at him or rip him apart. However, by the time he finishes showering, dressing, and eats, grabbing his things off his desk and heading out to work, he’s forgotten all about his weird dream.
Except that night, when he has it again. The exact same dream, Ryo’s dark eyes upon his, nails digging into his shoulder from where Ryo’s pushing him up against the wall, and when Shige wakes up, his heart pounding and his nerves on end.
And when he gets to work that day, walking into the meeting room assuming to have a quick session with his manager, he is surprised to find the rest of NEWS sitting around the table. It’s the first time they’ve all been in the same room together in weeks, and Shige can barely register his excitement or the fact that Koyama is nearly crying as he exclaims they’re having concerts, finally, because all Shige can see is Ryo’s eyes meet his, instantly remembers what he’d dreamt up not even three hours ago, and, as he finds he can’t look away, thinks that he might just have a problem.
+ + +
“Have you ever had the same dream more than once?” Shige questions quietly.
Koyama blinks at him, the straw of his drink still between his lips, and seems to be thinking. Shige watches him with bated breath, hoping Koyama has because it’s been about a week and every night, without fail, Ryo appears in his dreams, always in the same way, and Shige always wakes before he can find out what happens next.
Finally Koyama sets his drink back down on the table and says, “I think I might have,” and Shige’s stomach plummets. “Why?” he asks. “Have you been having weird dreams?”
Weird is an understatement, Shige thinks, his mind flowing back to his dreams as it does much more often than he’d like. “Well, sort of,” he says uncertainly.
“What does that mean?” Koyama questions, now looking worried. “Is something wrong?”
Yes, Shige’s mind answers but he shakes his head and says, “No,” hoping he sounds firm, and avoids Koyama’s gaze by picking at his bowl of now rather soggy ramen.
But Koyama’s not his best friend for nothing, clearly seeing right through him as he crosses his arms over his chest and stares at Shige determinedly. “If something’s wrong with your dreams you could ask Tegoshi,” he says. “He mentioned learning about dreams awhile ago, maybe he has some answers.”
Shige nods but thinks he’d rather keep this dreams with him to the grave than ever tell Tegoshi - Tegoshi, who would run and tell Ryo the instant Shige turned his back. As Shige lies and promises Koyama he’ll talk to Tegoshi soon, he thinks he’ll just take the dreams, because, as they go on, he realizes they’re not actually that bad.
+ + +
Shige’s breath catches in his throat as Ryo peers at him with those dark, deep eyes. He feels his heart pound in his ears, nearly blocking out everything else around them, Tokyo rush hour like mere white noise in the back of his brain. However, it fails to drown out the tiny, almost inaudible, “Shige,” that Ryo breathes, that Shige thinks he may have imagined but wishes is real, wishes to hear it again, his name in that voice. He doesn’t know why, he’s never thought of Ryo like that but something stirred within him at that moment he desperately doesn’t want to lose it.
And yet, Ryo still has that look of ferocity in his eyes and Shige still doesn’t know what he’s doing here, pushed up against the wall with no space to breathe between them - not that Shige could, anyway, his focus entirely on keeping Ryo’s gaze until he finally gets his wits to say, “W-What do you want?”
And Ryo slowly smirks and Shige thinks suddenly he’s never seen anything so hot, or so dangerous, and then Ryo’s replying, “I’d think that’d be obvious, Shige.”
Confusion floods him, confusion and uncertainty and a tiny sliver of hope that maybe, maybe, but he doesn’t know, honestly, opens his mouth to say so and-
Shige wakes with a start. As he takes in his surroundings he realizes it’s still dark, the middle of the night, and he collapses back against the mattress. His eyes remain wide open as his heart thrums in his veins, unable to shake the uneasy feeling this dream had given him.
Shige closes his eyes but the images come back just as vividly as they'd been in his dream, and he can't handle it, sitting back up and counting to ten, willing the rapidness of his heart to slow down.
He slides out of bed, now wide awake, and passes the clock that reads 3:14 AM on the way to the kitchen. He pours himself a glass of water and drinks it slowly as his mind continues to buzz, a hundred thousand questions filling him up.
He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand where these dreams are coming from or what they could possibly mean. Why it's the same thing over and over again. Although, tonight, it went further, he'd even spoken, and Ryo had replied...
Shige shudders just remembering Ryo's voice, that low rumble he could almost feel, even now, even while he's awake, and this scares him a little. He doesn't understand what it means, and Shige hates not knowing.
He finishes his drink and sets the glass in the sink. With a sigh he resigns himself to go back to bed, cringing at the thought of having to wake up in a few hours to meet NewS for a photo shoot. As he lies down again, he feels trepidation at the thought of having to see Ryo later that day.
Shige groans, buries his face in his pillow and wonders if he's going insane.
He doesn't sleep at all the rest of the night.
+ + +
"Shige, you look awful," Tegoshi says, sounding, for once, genuinely concerned. "Are you okay?"
Shige nods. "I just haven't been sleeping well," he begins but a yawn cuts out almost half his words. Tegoshi seems to understand though, and peers at Shige with worry.
"You should be getting more sleep now that you're finished with school," Tegoshi says, as if Shige didn't know.
Shige just nods again, forcing himself to keep his eyes open. He and Tegoshi finished their joint shoot and are waiting for the others in the dressing room, from which they'll leave together back to the jimusho for a meeting on their upcoming concerts. All he wants is to sleep, but he knows the instant he closes his eyes, what he'll find behind them, and he can't risk that, anymore.
It's been another few days and his dreams seem to taunt him consistently. He can barely think of anything else other than this, wonder why and why and why over and over until it nearly drives him crazy. Shige can't remember the last time he slept peacefully, waking up almost every night by Ryo- Ryo pushing him into the wall, staring at him with those unfathomable eyes and making Shige weak at the knees.
And last night, it had only gotten worse.
Shige remembers it in his mind as if it's happening to him right now, can almost feel how Ryo had held him, fingers tight on his wrist to make sure he won't escape, his breath hot on his skin as he smirked so deviously. And Shige couldn't move even if he wanted to and in that moment after Ryo says, "I'd have figured that'd be obvious, Shige," he leaned in close and kissed him.
And now Shige can't get that image out of his head.
"Shige?" Tegoshi's voice cuts Shige out of his thoughts and he shakes his head at the youngest member's worried eyes.
"I'm fine," he insists but Tegoshi doesn't look convinced. "I'm just tired, that's all."
"If you're sure," Tegoshi says and Shige nods firmly, hoping he'll drop the matter, and he does, thankfully, though it doesn't help much when the door opens and Ryo walks inside and promptly collapses on the couch right beside Shige.
"Massu and Koyama are finishing up and then we should be able to go," Yamapi announces, following Ryo, but Shige barely hears his words, trying as discreetly as he can to shrink away from Ryo.
It's been rather torturous, trying to keep his secret to himself and not show it on his face. He knows Koyama can read him like a book, but thankfully his best friend hasn't confronted him about anything yet, though Shige's sure it's just a matter of time. Ryo, even more thankfully, hasn't noticed Shige's avoidance, but that might be because he's so exhausted himself, considering his drama and both Kanjani8 and NEWS activities this summer.
Shige sucks in a breath when he realizes Ryo's dropped his head onto his shoulder, eyes closed and seemingly content, oblivious to Shige's inner turmoil. It doesn't help at all that no one seems to notice anything is off. Shige, however, can't stop his heart trying to drill through his chest and he fears moving in case Ryo wakes up and actually looks at him, because lately Shige hasn't been able to meet his eyes at all, always so instantly reminded of the way he gazes at him in his dreams, that look that, admittedly, has Shige's nerves on end.
Instead he just sits as impossibly still as he can, trying not to let his mind wander to dangerous places. But that doesn't work very well, especially when he feels Ryo's hair against his cheek, can practically smell the citrus of his shampoo, vaguely wonders what brand it is, along with the musky scent of his cologne.
A few minutes later Koyama and Massu join them, and Shige breathes a sigh of relief. As gently as he can he pokes Ryo in the arm and says, “Nishikido-kun? We have to go.”
Ryo murmurs something unintelligible into Shige’s shoulder and Shige feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, a sudden warm spreading through him. Ryo doesn’t wake up so Shige tries again, louder this time, until Ryo finally stirs, eyes opening and meeting Shige’s through his bangs.
Shige’s heart nearly stops; it’s the first time they’ve been so close since Shige’s dreams, and it startles him so much he jumps to his feet and nearly sends Ryo to the floor.
“What the fuck, Shige?” Ryo exclaims, more surprised than angry, as he picks himself up.
“S-Sorry,” Shige mutters, looking anywhere but at Ryo. Thankfully Ryo doesn’t say anything else even though he looks like he wants to, and Shige seizes the chance to grab his bag and be the first one out the door. As he heads to the van waiting to take them to the jimusho, he just hopes he can make it through the rest of day, because now he can’t seem to stop the tingling feeling in his body from having been so close to Ryo.
+ + +
The kiss is unlike any other Shige's ever received. It's fierce, bruising, and makes his head spin. All he can even fathom doing is gripping tightly onto Ryo's elbows for fear of his legs collapsing beneath him, but as Ryo steps in closer, pushing up against him with his entire body and smirking when it elicits a surprised moan from Shige, he figures if he falls, Ryo will catch him anyway.
It should be wrong, but it feels absolutely right and that scares him more than the actual fact that Ryo is kissing him. Shige can barely think, the only words flooding his mind are that of appreciation, of how Ryo's lips feel against his, all hot and demanding and that maybe, perhaps, he should part his lips and when he does, it's amazing, like fireworks erupting inside of him, the way their tongues meet and Ryo's fingers curl into his hair. Instinctively he moves his hips, pushing toward Ryo and Ryo makes a deep, guttural noise that has Shige trembling, and then he's grinding back, harder, and Shige can feel the brick of the wall cutting against his back.
He can't stop it, the sudden feeling spreading throughout him. Every bit of him feels like it's on edge, like this is the most important thing in the world, no matter that he's never thought of this ever, had never realized he even possibly wanted it, never guessed Ryo would initiate it, Ryo who usually gives him such a hard time now kissing him with such enthusiasm Shige can barely keep up. It makes him try harder, though, to match him, to surpass him, even though he has no idea what he's doing other than making sure this feeling never stops, this rush and exhilaration that he usually feels during a live, and hasn't felt in a long, long time.
"You're thinking too much," Ryo suddenly says, breaking their kiss to whisper the words into Shige's neck. And Shige shivers, which makes Ryo grin, tracing his lips along Shige's jaw and down the slope of his throat. "I can hear it."
"Sorry," Shige says, the only thing he can think to say, and then Ryo's flicking his gaze up to him, those beautiful eyes that seem to read him better than Shige can read himself, and Ryo's back to kissing him again, harder than before.
He stops thinking, and just starts feeling, lets himself be guided by what makes his heart race, his skin tingle, and his stomach twist in pleasure. It's easy, because nearly everything Ryo does makes him feel that way, and Shige soon feels the telltale pang of arousal in his groin, automatically grabbing Ryo's hips and pulling him flush against him.
Ryo moans and it's a beautiful sound, raw and hot and a little desperate, and Shige instantly loves it, eager to hear it again, and again, and again. Ryo doesn't disappoint, moving his hips against Shige's as he trails his lips from Shige's mouth to his ear, biting softly against the lobe and making Shige jump slightly in his grasp. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels Ryo's hands relocate to his jeans, swiftly undoing his belt and the fastens, and then there's a hand shoved down, wrapping around his erection and he whimpers into Ryo's hair, slumps back against the wall as his eyes flutter shut.
"Shige," Ryo says in his molten voice. "Look at me."
It takes him a while to be able to open his eyes, completely lost in the way Ryo's stroking him, but he manages eventually. Ryo's eyes are right before his, somehow still soft with all of its intensity, and Shige feels his heart swell in his chest, unsure what this feeling is exactly, but not wanting it to end, and Ryo's working his hand faster as he keeps his gaze, faster and faster until Shige can't take it anymore, until his world starts to go a little white at the edges, until he comes so hard he swears he blacks out, but he can still hear Ryo's voice is in his ear, all soft as he tells him to wake up--
Shige nearly screams as he's shaken awake, reality smacking him in the face.
"Are you okay?" Ryo questions from where he's hovering above Shige, looking torn between amusement and worry.
Shige nods quickly, unable to find his voice, unable to look at Ryo, his body searing with pleasure, only able to remember he's at a News meeting and they were taking a break - he must've fallen asleep, even though he's been trying so hard not to, especially while he’s here, in such close proximity to Ryo, who is still staring at him curiously.
Shige swallows the thickness n his throat and manages a hoarse, "I-I'm fine." Except when he tries to sit up, he can feel his arousal between his legs, and thinks nothing could be worse than this. At least it wasn't glaringly obvious because then he'd have some explaining to do.
"If you're sure," Ryo says, pulling Shige back from thoughts of how the world clearly hates him. "Come on, then, we have dance practice now. The others have already gone over."
"Y-you go. I-I'll meet up in a second. B-Bathroom," Shige says hastily and thankfully Ryo doesn't question, just shrugs and leaves.
Shige waits until the door shuts before he sinks back against the couch. He glances at his watch and figures he has about five minutes. It'll have to do.
And before he can change his mind, he undoes his jeans and wraps a hand around himself and strokes with intent. He doesn’t last long, but it doesn’t mater, his entire body aching for release, and his mind provides the rest, the images of his dream playing across his eyes like a cinema and he can’t even deny it’s this that gets him off, the thought of really being like that with Ryo that has him coming harder than he ever remembers before.
He quickly cleans up and rushes off to meet the rest of NEWS. And for the rest of the day, he can’t look at Ryo.
+ + +
“You look horrible,” Koyama says, as if Shige doesn’t already know.
He doesn’t even bother replying, just moves aside to let Koyama into his apartment and shuts the door after him. “Thanks for coming,” he says eventually, when Koyama’s pulling out take-out onto the dining table along with beer, one of which he hands to Shige.
Gratefully, Shige takes it and sits down at the table, watching as Koyama hands him his dinner and a pair of chopsticks. “You didn’t have to bring all this,” he says, but Koyama just makes an impatient noise at him.
“Course I did,” he replies. “I’m worried about you. We all are. You’re like a zombie, lately. What’s going on?”
Shige sighs, uncertain how to go about telling Koyama everything that has happened in the past few weeks. It’s all gotten worse, his dreams stuck on him and Ryo, on Ryo kissing him, touching him, holding him, and Shige wakes up every time feeling like he’s just run a mile, like the blood in his veins is boiling, and he’s gotten off to the thought, to those dreams, to Ryo, more than once, now.
Just thinking about it right now makes him hot all over and he quickly drinks more beer, hoping it’ll make it easier to talk about. Koyama’s still looking at him with worry so Shige manages to say, “Can we eat first? I need to think.”
Koyama smiles and nods and they both dig in, although Shige merely picks around at his food, even though Koyama bought all of his favorites. He doesn’t have the appetite, thinking about Ryo and being together with him like they have in his dreams, they haunt his mind, all day long, and it’s becoming difficult to concentrate on anything. It gets worse when he’s actually around Ryo, and he knows Ryo’s noticing, now, the way Shige’s trying to avoid him. He must have turned down five invites for drinks or meals in the past three days, and he knows he can’t keep it up much longer.
He just doesn’t know what to do, and this is why he called Koyama over tonight, to talk about it, to hopefully get some help.
Koyama only makes it ten minutes before he asks, "Can you talk about it now?"
Shige rolls his eyes and Koyama just grins at him. "If you're that desperate to know," he says slowly. "But, don't...don't judge, okay?"
Koyama's smile falls and a serious look crosses his face. "Shige," he says, "whatever it is that's bothering you, I'm sure it's not that bad. And besides, I'm your best friend! It'll take a lot to get me to judge you."
Shige sighs with relief and nods, and with a deep breath, lets it all out. He doesn't hold anything back, finding that he actually starts to feel better as he explains everything that he's been keeping locked inside. As he recounts his dreams he can visualize them in front of his eyes, as if he's not in his kitchen but standing there, in that alley, watching himself and Ryo, watching Ryo kiss him, watching himself kiss Ryo back. He's done it so many times, watching and re-watching, he has it all memorized, not that it ever took him any work to remember, always there in the forefront of his mind, reminding him, mocking him, infuriating him.
He still doesn't get why and this frustrates him more than anything. He voices this worry and finishes with, "And I just have no idea what to do and it's driving me insane."
Koyama just stares at him for a few long, unnervingly silent moments. His eyes are wide and he looks rather dumbfounded. Shige hadn't expected anything else, so he just waits until Koyama composes himself enough to splutter, "Y-You're dreaming about Ryo-chan?"
"Yes," Shige breathes.
"L-Like that?"
"Yes."
"All this time?"
"Koyama."
"Okay, okay, sorry," Koyama says, still looking a little incredulous but at least he's not gaping at Shige anymore. "Um," he tries, "this definitely explains a lot."
"What am I supposed to do about it, though?" Shige complains. "I-I don't know why I'm having these dreams, why they won't just stop, why do I end up . . . y-you know, after--"
"Isn't it obvious?" Koyama interjects.
"What's obvious?" Shige replies, blinking with confusion.
"Why you're having these dreams, stupid," Koyama says.
A little affronted, because Koyama has no right to call anyone else stupid, Shige frowns. "What're you talking about?"
Koyama sighs and says, "You like him!"
Shige stares. "Like who?"
"You like Ryo-chan!" Koyama nearly shouts and Shige's eyes grow impossibly wide for three seconds before he just about matches Koyama's scream.
"What?!"
Koyama leans back against his chair and says, "Well, why not? Maybe subconsciously, you're attracted to him. You want him."
"B-But this is Nishikido-kun we’re talking about," Shige exclaims in a shrill voice. "I-I'm not going to deny that he's, well, g-good looking or something, but . . . but that doesn't mean I want to be with him!"
"Then you explain your weird dreams," Koyama says, crossing his arms over his chest.
Shige opens his mouth but closes it a second later, defeated. He slumps back against his seat and purses his lips thoughtfully. As Koyama returns to eating, Shige thinks about what Koyama just insinuated. He remembers his dreams, remembers how they make him feel, how he wakes up every time afterward with his heart throbbing and a fire kindling throughout his veins, how, as the dreams get more and more explicit, he wakes with a aching hard-on, and can’t return to sleep without thinking about it as he touches himself, and every time he seems to come harder than the last, the images in his mind clear and vivid as if burned onto his retinas.
He thinks about actually liking Ryo, and that’s where it gets confusing. He doesn’t know, for sure, because he really can’t deny being even a tiny bit attracted to him, to that low, husky voice in his ear, and the way his lips quirk in the corners, and how his eyes are always so deep and sure and gorgeous.
“Have you figured it out yet?” Koyama asks suddenly and Shige snaps back to reality.
“I’m not sure,” he replies honestly.
Koyama smiles. “Shige, it’s just a dream,” he says. “It’s up to you if you really want it to mean something.”
Shige nods, contemplative, and returns to his dinner. Later that night, after Koyama’s left and he’s lying in his bed, waiting for his usual nighttime movie to claim his sleep, thinks about what Koyama said, and wonders if making the choice is really that easy.
+ + +
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Ryo says two days later, cornering Shige after at the end of a dance practice.
Shige forces himself to look at Ryo when he replies, “N-No, I haven’t.”
Ryo’s eyes narrow. “You’ve declined every invitation I’ve given to go out. That sounds like avoidance.”
Shige tries not to let his mind wander to dangerous places, already on edge just from Ryo’s dark gaze on him. “I’ve just been tired, Nishikido-kun,” he says, surprised at how firm his voice sounds. “It’s nothing against you-”
“Good,” Ryo cuts in. “Then you can come with me now.”
Shige panics. “But-”
“You’re coming,” Ryo says and give Shige a look that clearly says he has no choice. “It’s been awhile, and I miss having the chance to mock you.”
Shige rolls his eyes when Ryo smirks. “You do that all the time,” he says, grudgingly following Ryo out the building even though every part of him is screaming that this is the worst idea in the history of worst ideas.
“Yeah, but sometimes it’s just nice to do it in different places,” Ryo replies easily and Shige just shakes his head, amused despite his dilemma.
“If you say so,” he says.
Ryo grins. “I do,” he says, “now get in.” He motions to his car and Shige hesitates just a second before he grabs the door handle and slides into the passenger seat, and the smile that Ryo gives him as he starts the car makes it all worth it.
They go to a bar, one they’ve been to before, and it’s nothing fancy or special, just sliding onto stools at the counter and ordering their usual drinks. Admittedly, it’s nice to go out with Ryo again; it has been awhile, even if it’s mostly due to Shige’s recent events that they haven’t hung out.
Surprisingly, it’s not as horrible as Shige expects it, easily slipping into their usual roles. He’s a little reserved because he can barely stand to look at Ryo in the eye longer than three seconds, and he knows Ryo knows and that only makes it harder to keep up. At least Ryo’s not asking him about it because Shige doesn’t know what he’d do then; Ryo can tell when he’s lying, and Shige’s never been good at it in the first place. The last thing he wants is for Ryo to find out everything he’s been dreaming about, at least not until Shige sorts it out for himself.
Of course, because the world seems to enjoy watching him suffer, as the night wears on, and the drinks continue, Ryo gets pretty drunk pretty fast. And Shige finds himself with Ryo leaning against him because Ryo can often get affectionate when he’s drunk, and Shige thinks he should’ve remembered this earlier. It would have saved him a lot of anxiety because it’s just like before when Ryo was sleeping on his shoulder, except this is worse because he’s awake, and every time he speaks he talks right into Shige’s shoulder, his breath hot on Shige’s skin and involuntarily making him shudder.
Ryo doesn’t notice anything’s wrong, just continues talking about whatever it is he’s come up with next. Shige’s lost track of their conversations, which usually start out innocent enough, like movies or work, and quickly end up with Ryo comparing the sizes of various girls’ boobs.
Shige would actively participate if it wasn’t for the fact that Ryo’s dropped a hand on his knee and it feels rather nice, his fingers warm. Or for the fact that Shige’s realized, if he just turned his head, he could probably kiss Ryo, if he wanted, and realizes that yes, he kind of does want to and now he’s positive that there must be something wrong with him.
It’s a relief when Ryo finally decides he’s had enough, but as he tries to stand up and clearly fails, Shige thinks it’s best if he drove Ryo home first.
“I’m fine,” Ryo insists, but just those words are slurred.
Shige laughs. “I don’t think so,” he replies and fishes Ryo’s keys from his pocket. Ryo leans against him and lets out a sigh that tickles Shige’s cheek and he flushes as he quickly extracts his hand. “C-Come on,” he says, and leads the way.
Ryo falls asleep in the car, and so, to Shige’s mortification, after rousing him enough so he can walk, Shige’s stuck helping him up to his apartment. Ryo just collapses right in bed and Shige sets his keys on the nightstand.
“You can just stay here,” Ryo mumbles into the pillow, opening tired eyes to peer up at Shige.
Shige contemplates for a moment. It would definitely be easier than getting a cab to go home, and he is tired, but, as he looks at Ryo, hair in his face, those eyes staring up at him, dark and intense despite the alcohol-induced haze, he knows it would be just as bad an idea as it was coming out with him in the first place.
“N-No, that’s fine. I should go home. See you,” he says quickly and leaves.
The entire ride home he wonders just how much these dreams have affected him, and as he lies in bed, waiting for them to come claim him once more, he’s almost looking forward to it.
+ + +
It’s the last interview for the day and Shige’s just glad to almost be done. He just wants to go home and escape being around the others, specifically Ryo, for the rest of the night. After everything that happened when he and Ryo went out a few nights ago, and after the possible realization that he really is attracted to Ryo, Shige can barely stand to be around him without freaking out.
It doesn’t help at all that Ryo keeps glancing at him every once in awhile when he thinks Shige isn’t looking, and all Shige can think of are his dreams, which have since escalated to even more fierce kissing and touching, just shy of any actual sex, and Shige just gets hot all over even thinking about it.
He seats himself quickly between Koyama and Massu at the last interview for Wink Up. He only half-mindedly answers the questions and draws the little picture of a cow for the Ten Question section.
But when the interviewer grins at them and says, “Tell us about a dream you had recently!” for the first question, Shige’s heart nearly stops.
Koyama glances at him with worry but Shige just can’t seem to think of anything to say. He should come up with something else, lie, say he hasn’t had any dreams for awhile, but both Yamapi and Ryo end up saying that immediately and Shige, although having a mini panic attack, would like to give the readers something interesting. Of course he can’t say what he’s really been dreaming, and he can’t remember any other dream beside those, and when the interviewer finally turns to him, Shige says the first thing he can come up with.
“I had a dream where Nishikido-kun seemed like he was going to get angry at me,” he says, and then laughs, playing it off as a joke, and the others chuckle as well, although Shige can feel Ryo’s eyes on him.
Thankfully the rest of the interview goes by smoothly and when they finish Shige is the first one on his feet, ready to get to the van that’ll take him home. Only after he says his goodbyes to the others and grabs his things does he remember that Ryo’s taking the same van as him. Shige almost contemplates walking back to his apartment, but the second he steps outside to see it raining, he thinks he’ll chance the ride with Ryo instead (even though he knows it cannot end well, not after having admitted having a dream about him).
Surprisingly, Ryo says nothing as they sit in the van and are ushered toward Shige’s apartment, which is the closest. Shige, however, can barely sit still, fidgeting nervously, trying to stay as far as physically possible from Ryo without him noticing, his heart racing in his chest because all he can think about is Ryo, the Ryo sitting beside him and the Ryo in his dreams which have more or less become the same Ryo that Shige undoubtedly is attracted to. So he doesn’t know what to say or do and it almost comes as a relief when, unexpectedly, the van sputters loudly and dies.
As the driver apologizes profusely and goes out into the pouring rain to check under the hood, Shige sighs and slumps against his seat. They wait for five minutes, while their driver, who clearly has no idea what he’s doing, tries to reactivate the van, before Ryo turns to Shige and says, “Let’s go.”
Shige stares at him. “Go where?”
“Your place,” Ryo says, already slinging his bag over his shoulder. “It’s just a block away now, right? I sure as hell don’t want to sit here and wait for them to fix this stupid thing. We can just walk.”
“In the rain?” Shige says, trying to keep the panic out of his voice.
“Well, how else do you propose we get there?” Ryo replies, amusement in his eyes. “Come on, genius,” he says with a grin as he opens the door and gets out, uncaring about the rain pouring onto him. Shige hears him talking to the driver for a few moments before Ryo reappears and gives him an impatient look. “What’re you waiting for?”
Reluctantly, Shige gets out and follows Ryo through the downpour back to his apartment. They’re soaked head to toe by the time they arrive, and Shige thinks it’s possibly the stupidest thing he can do, in his current state, letting Ryo into his apartment. He does it anyway, of course, because he can’t just let Ryo walk around in the rain to catch a cold. The least he could do is let him dry off and then give him an umbrella or something so he could walk to the nearest station and-
“Have anything to drink?” Ryo says, cutting through Shige’s thoughts.
Shige just nods as he shuts the door and toes off his shoes. Ryo’s already heading into the kitchen and by the time Shige follows, the older man has stripped off his wet t-shirt, and was grabbing two beers from the fridge. Except Shige doesn’t really notice any of that, frozen to the spot with his eyes glued to Ryo’s back, at the muscles moving under his gorgeously tanned skin as he rifles through the fridge, and Shige’s mind goes straight to his dreams. And although his dreams never went so far as to the two of them really fucking, Shige can’t deny he hasn’t thought about it. After these dreams, it’s impossible not to, to wonder what it would be like, the sounds Ryo would make, the way he would feel, how the would do it, all if it, Shige has imagined in his head on those nights he wakes up with another painful erection, his mind starting with the dreams but he controls the rest, the continuation, where Ryo fucks him up against that wall and-
“Are you okay?”
Shige starts. “Uh, yeah, I-I’m fine,” he says hastily, looking everywhere but at Ryo, who’s standing before him in all of his shirtless glory. To distract himself, he says, “I-I can put that in the dryer for you.
“Oh, thanks,” Ryo says, handing his shirt to Shige, and then adds, to Shige’s horror, “Take these, too,” and proceeds to strip out of his jeans.
Shige wants to die, right now, nearly snatching the pants from Ryo’s grip and running to the dryer, unconcerned by the look of puzzlement in Ryo’s eyes. He figures he should probably dry his own clothes as well, and after switching into another pair of clothes, puts the wet ones with Ryo’s into the dryer. He returns to his room to find something for Ryo because Shige’s sure he really will die if Ryo continues to sit around in his boxers, which, Shige knows, the older man would gladly do without question.
He grabs a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and joins Ryo, who has made himself comfortable on the couch with his beer, and is watching the weather on television.
“Here,” Shige says, handing him the clothes. “They might be a little big, but until your clothes dry…”
“It’s fine,” Ryo replies. “Thanks.” He gives Shige a smile that makes his heart throb and Shige turns away as Ryo pulls the clothes on. He notices that Ryo set the second beer on the coffee table and quickly takes it, figuring the only way he’ll get through this is if he’s drunk enough not to care.
They sit in silence for awhile but Shige continues feeling nervous, almost wishes he could just say he had schoolwork to do and hide in his room. Unfortunately that excuse doesn’t work anymore now that he’s graduated so he resigns himself to watching television with Ryo and forcing his mind not to wander to dangerous places, and hoping he’ll be able to get through this unscathed.
Of course he’s not that lucky, and when Ryo suddenly says, “So is that why you’ve been acting so weird lately?” Shige knows exactly what he means, and feels dread sink into his stomach.
“W-What’re you talking about?” he says, hoping he sounds more confident than he does to his own ears.
“What you said in the interview,” Ryo answers. “Having a dream about me. Is that why you’re acting so strange lately? Particularly to me.”
Ryo’s looking at him now and Shige meets his eyes for a second before he forces out a laugh. “No, no,” he says, hoping Ryo will buy his lie, “t-that was nothing. Just a stupid dream. It has . . . nothing to do with you.” He laughs again, but stops abruptly because Ryo doesn’t seem as amused, eyes dark and lips set into a tight frown. Shige looks away quickly and adds quietly, “Don’t worry about it, Nishikido-kun.”
“Are you sure?” Ryo says and suddenly his voice is a lot closer than before and when Shige turns, he finds Ryo has moved over, sitting just beside him.
Instinctively, Shige backs away as much as he can, which isn’t much at all considering he’s still on the couch and is blocked by the armrest he ends up leaning against. Ryo’s staring at him with the same gaze Shige has seen hundreds of times in his recent dreams and thoughts, that look that has haunted him and tormented him and aroused him, right there before him, for real. Shige swallows thickly, unsure what to say or do, but Ryo seems to know what he wants, moving closer still while the television continues to play behind him.
“Are you sure I shouldn’t worry about it?” he questions in that low voice that has Shige’s spine tingling. “Because this is kind of pissing me off, Shige. You’re acting fine with everyone else, so what’s your problem with me?”
Shige knew he couldn’t hide it. Ryo is extremely perceptive, even if he does spend half his time asleep in NewS’ dressing room, and Shige just knew Ryo would notice, no matter how much he tried being discreet. He doesn’t know what to do now. And he only has two options: lie and play it off as a joke, or come clean, to the fact that for the past month Shige has had not-so-innocent dreams about Ryo.
“So,” Ryo continues when Shige doesn’t say anything, “tell me about this dream.”
Shige laughs awkwardly. “I-It’s as I said at the interview. You just seemed like you were going to get pissed at me and then, then I woke up. That’s it.”
Ryo’s eyes narrow. “You’re lying.”
Shige shakes his head a little too soon. “Am not.”
“Shige, everything shows on your face,” Ryo replies, now sounding a little amused. “I can tell you’re hiding something.”
“Look,” Shige says with as much courage as he can muster, and pushes Ryo away from him with a hand to his shoulder. “It was just a silly dream. It meant nothing. Everything’s fine. I’m not avoiding you or anything.”
“Then why won’t you look at me?” Ryo questions and Shige mentally curses.
He takes a deep, staggering breath and finally meets Ryo’s eyes directly. And he can’t stop the immediate images inside his mind, everything he has thought about and dreamt up appearing before his eyes as he looks into Ryo’s. And it’s almost as if it’s that initial moment in his dream, the beginning that started it all, Ryo staring at him with an unfathomable gaze and Shige’s heart pounding in his ears, but this time it’s real and this time Shige’s almost certain he wants to kiss him, wants to just lean forward even the slightest bit and-
Shige's heart stops in his chest and his eyes grow impossibly wide because Ryo has leaned in and done exactly what he was thinking, pressing those smooth lips Shige has thought about for weeks against his own.
He's more or less frozen to the spot because he cannot believe this is actually happening. And it isn't until Ryo licks the seam of his lips with his tongue does Shige finally seem to jolt back to reality. He parts his mouth instinctively and Ryo immediately takes the bait, slipping his tongue in and meeting Shige's and Shige can't even feel embarrassed when he lets out a low, throaty noise that Ryo swallows. His mind is a whirlwind and he feels completely swept up in it, in this moment, in the real feel of Ryo's mouth against his, no more wondering or guessing. It's soft and smooth and Ryo is surprisingly gentle, it's not the harsh kiss from his dreams but a curious exploration that feels a thousand times better.
Only just as Shige starts to get into it, Ryo pulls away, licking his lips rather obscenely and Shige doesn't bother trying not to stare. Ryo looks torn between shocked and amused when Shige finally glances at him, but then seems to settle for the latter because he smirks and his eyes shine with mischief.
"So this is what you've been dreaming about, huh?"
Shige has the decency to blush, because even though they just made out, it's still embarrassing to admit of having dreamt about his band mate for a month. "Maybe," he answers.
"This is why you've been acting weird, isn't it?" Ryo continues.
Shige nods.
Ryo continues to stare at him for awhile until Shige starts to feel rather uncomfortable, squirming against the couch and looking away. Then Ryo asks, "What else did you dream about?"
"Huh?" Shige says quickly, looking back and Ryo's there again, their faces just mere inches from each other.
"Was it just kissing, Shige?" Ryo asks, lowering his voice and leaning in to whisper into Shige's ear. "Or was there more?"
As he talks he slides a hand up Shige's thigh, smirking against Shige's neck when he shivers from the touch. "Seems like there was more than just kissing," he says, and Shige wants to think of something witty to reply but nothing comes to mind, every fiber in his body focusing in on the feel of Ryo's fingers skimming over his stomach and up his chest, and wishing it was against his skin instead of over his clothing, wishing Ryo would touch him lower.
"Tell me what you dreamt about, Shige," Ryo breathes.
Shige shudders out a breath and says, "Why?"
Ryo stops what he's doing, his hand pausing on Shige's stomach and he pulls back enough before replying, "Why what?"
"Why do you want to know?" Shige questions.
Ryo's eyes darken and he moves in again, lips just a breath against Shige's as he answers, "I'd have thought that'd be obvious, Shige," and it's just like in his dreams, because then Ryo's kissing him again, harder and fiercer than before, all tongue and mingled breath until Shige realizes that maybe he’s not the only one who wants this too.
It has him pulling Ryo close with hands fisted into the front of his shirt. It's like his dream coming alive, the rush and the urgency and the desperation of it all practically the same, and yet it's all new because he's only now learning how calloused Ryo's fingers are, probably from all of the guitar playing, when they slip under his shirt, finally, and flit along his abs, up to his chest to brush over his nipples. Shige gasps into Ryo's mouth, tangles his own hand into Ryo's hair, learns how soft it is, falling between his fingers, and learns that Ryo likes the touch, how he sighs against Shige's lips and shifts closer. Shige stretches beneath him and Ryo kneels over him, knees on either side of Shige's hips, and Shige trails his free hand up Ryo's back, under his shirt, feeling those sinewy muscles he saw earlier flex beneath his fingertips.
Shige breaks away first, when the necessity to breathe becomes impossible to ignore, leaning his head back against the armrest as Ryo trails his lips down his neck, clearly not eager to stop. Shige still finds it hard to believe it’s actually happening, wonders if this is a dream, but when Ryo’s fingers reach the hem of his pants, lingering just a little uncertainly on his belt buckle, Shige knows this is no dream.
He glances up at Ryo, who peers at him from behind his bangs, and it’s hot, the look he’s giving Shige right now. Shige bites his lower lip, and starts, “N-Nishikido-kun-”
“Ryo,” says Ryo, and his voice wavers just a little, as if he’s surprised by what he’s saying himself, by what this means, the gap they’re closing, the bridge they’re crossing.
Shige licks his lips and tries, “Ryo,” the name foreign and yet familiar, like he was meant to say it all this time, and then Ryo’s back in his mouth, kissing him with such fervor that Shige seems to forget his own name.
It doesn’t help when Ryo starts to grind down against him, over and over in a delicious rhythm, until Shige is panting against his lips and nearly arching off the couch, reciprocating as much as he’s receiving. It’s a hundred times better than his dreams because it’s real, he can feel that pang of arousal in his belly, and the fire spreading throughout his veins.
“R-Ryo,” Shige gasps, tugging just barely on Ryo’s hair to pull him away, but Ryo is moving his hips in a very distracting way and Shige can’t resist a moan. It has Ryo grinning against his jaw and Shige turns his head to the side to resist Ryo’s ministrations as he continues to get Ryo’s attention with a “W-Wait, stop.”
Ryo, however, just goes for his ear, nibbling gently on the lobe and reducing Shige into whimpers, his pleas lost until Shige forcefully grabs his hair and all but yanks him back. They look at each other with dark eyes, Ryo’s pissed and Shige knows it, but he just catches his breath before he says, “Bedroom.”
Ryo wastes absolutely no time; off the couch in the next second and pulling Shige down the hall within three. Shige’s pushed upon the mattress with less finesse than he’d like, but clearly neatness is not top on Ryo’s list of priorities. Shige has to admit it’s not on his either, especially when Ryo takes the fabric of his shirt in both hands and pulls it over Shige’s head. As he takes Shige’s belt in hand, he leans forward and whispers into Shige’s ear, “Is this what happened in your dreams?”
Shige sucks in a breath and says, “Not, not quite like this.”
“Tell me,” Ryo demands in a low voice. “What happens first, Shige? What do you want?”
Shige almost doesn’t believe he says it until it’s out of his mouth: “Touch me.”
And, without a moment’s hesitation, Ryo does, deftly undoing the fastenings on Shige’s jeans and slipping his hand inside. He strokes him slowly but determinedly, watching with predatory eyes as Shige thrusts up into his hand, not bothering to hide the groan that escapes his lips.
“Ryo,” Shige says, urgently, his eyes closed from the pleasure, and Ryo understands, rubbing his thumb across the head on the upstroke, tightening his fingers just enough for a bit more friction. Shige reaches out and grips whatever of Ryo he can reach, pulling him by the fabric of his shirt until Ryo gets it and leans in for another kiss. It’s sloppy and breathy because Shige can’t think straight enough to do it properly, but Ryo doesn’t seem to care, slowly trailing his lips down Shige’s neck, sucking along his exposed collarbone until Shige’s just about writhing beneath him.
That’s when he pulls away, of course, watching as Shige deflates with a whine. Ryo just smirks and says, “What was next, Shige?”
It takes a while for Shige to string his words together properly. “That’s as far as I got in the dreams,” he admits.
Ryo raises a brow. “Really?”
Shige nods. “Yeah,” he says and then glances away, “But . . . On, on my own, I-”
Ryo looks surprised for a second, as if not expecting Shige to admit it, but then the surprise is replace with deviousness and he trails his fingers from Shige’s clavicle down slowly to the open hem of his pants. “How, Shige?” he asks, “as you touched yourself like this?”
Shige’s eyes fall close and he breathes out, “Yes,” thinking now that there’s no going back, this is it, whatever it is.
“Do it now, I want to see,” Ryo says in that molten voice of his and Shige thinks Ryo could ask him to kill someone in that voice, and he would do it without question.
So he does, shifting long enough to ease his pants and boxers over his hips, jumping a little when Ryo helps to pull the rest of his clothes off and toss them onto his floor. He skims his fingers along his waist, trembling a little in anticipation, and he can feel Ryo’s eyes on him even though his remain shut. Just knowing Ryo’s watching makes him hotter, harder, and when he finally wraps his fingers around himself, it’s like relief, and he lets out a sigh that almost instantly becomes a moan at Ryo’s next words, whispered directly into his ear:
“You want me to fuck you, don’t you, Shige?”
Shige opens his eyes. “Yes,” he says, his voice just barely audible over the beating of his own heart, and when Ryo finds his gaze, he can’t think of anything but how much he wants this.
Ryo kisses him once, twice, slow and sweet, and it makes butterflies flutter in Shige’s stomach. He slides his hands up Ryo’s back, pulling his shirt with him until Ryo takes the hint and backs off, letting Shige pull the clothing off and throw it somewhere. Ryo’s back in his mouth instantaneously while Shige traces his fingers over the smooth curves of Ryo’s spine. He slides them around Ryo’s slender hips and to the front of the sweats, pulling on the waistband to get Ryo’s attention. Ryo pulls back and makes work of his remaining clothes while Shige reaches into the drawer of his nightstand and pulls out necessities.
Ryo narrows his eyes. “You’ve done this before.”
“That’s none of your business,” Shige says breathlessly, handing Ryo the lube.
“Maybe I want it to be my business,” Ryo replies, uncapping the lube and coating his fingers.
Shige’s not sure what to say to that, but Ryo doesn’t seem to be looking for an answer as he slips his fingers between Shige’s legs and presses against the tight ring of muscles. Shige sucks in a deep breath when the first slides in, his eyes clenching shut from the burn. He curls his fingers into Ryo's hair again, and Ryo leans down to kiss him slowly as a distraction while he works in another finger. Shige feels overwhelmed, unable to believe they're going this far, what he's wanted for over a week now, finally coming true. And it feels amazing already, the gentle, reassuring way Ryo preps him, better than what he imagined, and almost like nothing after this will ever compare. It has him rocking his hips against Ryo's fingers, has Ryo pushing in a third, and then there, right there, over and over, Ryo presses against it, pulling back to watch as Shige starts to fall apart beneath him, soft moans spilling from his lips.
"Shige," Ryo says, kissing his jaw, nosing his cheek. "Look at me."
Shige does, opening his eyes slowly and finding Ryo's, that look that makes Shige simmer with pleasure, and he pulls Ryo down into a crushing kiss as he fucks himself on Ryo's fingers. It’s not enough, it’s never enough, and before long he’s whimpering his need into Ryo’s mouth, reaching his free hand to push shaky fingers against Ryo’s shoulder.
Ryo backs off and reaches for the condom, but Shige knocks his hands away and does it himself, eyes on Ryo’s face that contorts with bliss when Shige finally touches him, his fingers light on the sensitive skin. Ryo resists pushing up into him and nearly the second Shige’s got the condom on, he pulls his fingers out and replaces them with his cock.
Shige just about screams, his back arching and nails scraping along Ryo’s shoulders as his voice rings throughout the room and drowns out Ryo’s own groan. Ryo stops when he’s in all the way and Shige’s jaw tightens as he gets used to the intrusion, breathing heavily through parted lips while staring up into Ryo’s face, at the damp hair against his forehead, the rising flush of pleasure in his cheeks, the way he bites the corner of his lip in an attempt to control his own desire, to wait until Shige is ready before he starts to move, and then his eyes, those beautiful eyes and Shige is lost in them again as he nods his head just once.
Ryo moves instantly, pulling out and sharply thrusting back in, and moans when Shige impulsively tightens around him. Shige slides one hand from Ryo’s shoulder back to his hair, tugging him down until their lips meet. It’s a slow and sensual kiss, a complete contrast to the rapid pace of Ryo’s thrusts, of Shige’s hips rocking to meet him, the rhythm matching his heartbeat that seems to rip through his chest. Shige hears it loud in his ears, blocking out any thought but the raw, human emotions. He’s fueled by the desire that seems to crawl beneath his skin, a kind of itch that started with his dreams, only now being fully scratched, as Ryo slides a hand to grip his thigh and pulls him closer as he thrusts harder, the angles changing and finding the spot that makes Shige’s head spin and stars appear in his eyes.
“Ryo,” Shige says desperately, “God, yes, right there.”
Ryo groans, and presses ephemeral, butterfly kisses from shoulder to shoulder. His voice is husky when he says, “Shige, tell me what you want.”
Shige’s reply is instant. “Touch me,” he says, and moans when Ryo does, all but keening against the touch as Ryo works his hand in time to his thrusts and has Shige skittering dangerously close to that edge. He wants to come and doesn’t at the same time, wants this to last as long as possible because it feels too good, unbelievably good, too caught up in the moment, uncertain for what will happen afterward, when the passion cools and it’s just him, and Ryo.
But then Ryo’s kissing him again and Shige forgets his worries, figures he has time to think about it later, eager to come, to make Ryo come, to see for real what he’s been imagining for so long. He rocks his hips between the two pleasures, up into Ryo’s touch and back against Ryo, and it feels almost like his skin is on fire, desperate for release. It doesn’t take long, after that, all of his senses zeroing in on the indescribable ecstasy, of Ryo pressing against that spot repeatedly as he tightens his grip and rubs the head just right. His world goes white and black before colors seem to explode behind his eyelids when he finally comes with his fingers tangled into Ryo’s hair as he spills over Ryo’s fingers, quivering beneath him from the extremity of it all. He barely hears Ryo’s grunt as he undoubtedly tightens around him or feel his nails dig into his hip, just watches his face with dazed eyes until Ryo comes, too, his head dropping and hair shielding his face as his shoulders shake while the rest of him tenses as he finishes.
Shige reaches a hand out to swipe Ryo’s hair away, fingers trembling slightly from the sensations still rushing through him, and pushes up on Ryo’s chin so their eyes meet. For a few seconds they just stare at one another, and Shige delves into Ryo’s endless eyes, feels the passion and the affection in his gaze. Then Ryo smirks and Shige lets out a breathless laugh, and it’s perfect, this moment, all of Shige’s earlier worries evaporating and leaving him with a peaceful kind of bliss.
Ryo pulls away and deposits the condom into the trash while Shige grabs some tissue to clean up. He stretches the length of the bed as Ryo lies beside him, surprising Shige by pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. Shige grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers between them and Ryo squeezes his hand as his eyes fall close, exhaustion taking over.
Shige’s wide awake now, trying to figure out what to say, because despite the comfortable atmosphere they’ve established right now, Shige hates not knowing, knowing exactly what this means. “Ryo,” he says after awhile, and Ryo just makes a noncommittal grunt but otherwise doesn’t stir, so Shige tries again, his voice urgent. “Ryo.”
This time Ryo opens his eyes in a silent glare but Shige just stares back, hoping Ryo can read his thoughts because Shige doesn’t know how to voice what he’s thinking. Ryo sighs, then, and says with a smile, “Don’t think you’re the only one who has dreams.”
Shige’s eyes widen and Ryo grins, ending the conversation with a kiss before he turns back to sleep. Shige’s heart races as he closes his eyes and curls up beside Ryo, and this time he thinks he’ll finally be able to sleep peacefully.
Pairing: Ryo/Shige
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top. ~Virginia Woolf
Author's Notes: 10139 words. For sashjun through je_fqfest 2010. Inspired by this interview where Shige admits to having dreamt about Ryo. Millions of thanks to indian_monsoon for all of the amazing help and encouragement and beta along with mujun. ♥ The title is from Beyonce’s Sweet Dreams.
The wind is knocked straight out of him and he barely has the chance to think before he’s pushed forcefully up against a wall, a hand gripping his shoulder painfully. Shige’s eyes dart open wide as they find the face of the last person he would expect, but at least it’s someone he knows and not a murderer or something equally frightening. Although, from the look in Ryo’s eyes right now, Shige thinks Ryo could easily pass as someone with ill intentions.
He wonders what he did, why Ryo’s pushing him harder against the side of the jimusho building, why he’d even been waiting for him there. His face is just merely inches from his own and his eyes are so intense Shige forgets how to breathe, locked within that bottomless gaze. He doesn’t know why Ryo’s looking at him as though he’s ready to tear Shige apart from the inside, and just as Shige finds his mind to open his mouth to ask-
Shige jerks awake in bed, his alarm ringing loudly on the bedside table and he groggily smacks a hand over in the general vicinity until it stops. His heart is still racing from the unexpected and admittedly strange dream, and he rubs his eyes as he heads on wobbly feet to the bathroom. Although Shige never pays attention to his dreams as he usually just forgets them after he wakes up, today he can’t seem to shake this feeling, the way his skin almost tingles in anticipation and in interest from what he dreamt up. He finds it weird because he hasn’t seen Ryo in a long time (NEWS’ lack of group activities to blame for that) and so to randomly dream about him when they haven’t spoken in months intrigues him more than he would like to admit.
It doesn’t help that his dream gave him no indication whatsoever about why Ryo was shoving him against a wall with intent to yell at him or rip him apart. However, by the time he finishes showering, dressing, and eats, grabbing his things off his desk and heading out to work, he’s forgotten all about his weird dream.
Except that night, when he has it again. The exact same dream, Ryo’s dark eyes upon his, nails digging into his shoulder from where Ryo’s pushing him up against the wall, and when Shige wakes up, his heart pounding and his nerves on end.
And when he gets to work that day, walking into the meeting room assuming to have a quick session with his manager, he is surprised to find the rest of NEWS sitting around the table. It’s the first time they’ve all been in the same room together in weeks, and Shige can barely register his excitement or the fact that Koyama is nearly crying as he exclaims they’re having concerts, finally, because all Shige can see is Ryo’s eyes meet his, instantly remembers what he’d dreamt up not even three hours ago, and, as he finds he can’t look away, thinks that he might just have a problem.
+ + +
“Have you ever had the same dream more than once?” Shige questions quietly.
Koyama blinks at him, the straw of his drink still between his lips, and seems to be thinking. Shige watches him with bated breath, hoping Koyama has because it’s been about a week and every night, without fail, Ryo appears in his dreams, always in the same way, and Shige always wakes before he can find out what happens next.
Finally Koyama sets his drink back down on the table and says, “I think I might have,” and Shige’s stomach plummets. “Why?” he asks. “Have you been having weird dreams?”
Weird is an understatement, Shige thinks, his mind flowing back to his dreams as it does much more often than he’d like. “Well, sort of,” he says uncertainly.
“What does that mean?” Koyama questions, now looking worried. “Is something wrong?”
Yes, Shige’s mind answers but he shakes his head and says, “No,” hoping he sounds firm, and avoids Koyama’s gaze by picking at his bowl of now rather soggy ramen.
But Koyama’s not his best friend for nothing, clearly seeing right through him as he crosses his arms over his chest and stares at Shige determinedly. “If something’s wrong with your dreams you could ask Tegoshi,” he says. “He mentioned learning about dreams awhile ago, maybe he has some answers.”
Shige nods but thinks he’d rather keep this dreams with him to the grave than ever tell Tegoshi - Tegoshi, who would run and tell Ryo the instant Shige turned his back. As Shige lies and promises Koyama he’ll talk to Tegoshi soon, he thinks he’ll just take the dreams, because, as they go on, he realizes they’re not actually that bad.
+ + +
Shige’s breath catches in his throat as Ryo peers at him with those dark, deep eyes. He feels his heart pound in his ears, nearly blocking out everything else around them, Tokyo rush hour like mere white noise in the back of his brain. However, it fails to drown out the tiny, almost inaudible, “Shige,” that Ryo breathes, that Shige thinks he may have imagined but wishes is real, wishes to hear it again, his name in that voice. He doesn’t know why, he’s never thought of Ryo like that but something stirred within him at that moment he desperately doesn’t want to lose it.
And yet, Ryo still has that look of ferocity in his eyes and Shige still doesn’t know what he’s doing here, pushed up against the wall with no space to breathe between them - not that Shige could, anyway, his focus entirely on keeping Ryo’s gaze until he finally gets his wits to say, “W-What do you want?”
And Ryo slowly smirks and Shige thinks suddenly he’s never seen anything so hot, or so dangerous, and then Ryo’s replying, “I’d think that’d be obvious, Shige.”
Confusion floods him, confusion and uncertainty and a tiny sliver of hope that maybe, maybe, but he doesn’t know, honestly, opens his mouth to say so and-
Shige wakes with a start. As he takes in his surroundings he realizes it’s still dark, the middle of the night, and he collapses back against the mattress. His eyes remain wide open as his heart thrums in his veins, unable to shake the uneasy feeling this dream had given him.
Shige closes his eyes but the images come back just as vividly as they'd been in his dream, and he can't handle it, sitting back up and counting to ten, willing the rapidness of his heart to slow down.
He slides out of bed, now wide awake, and passes the clock that reads 3:14 AM on the way to the kitchen. He pours himself a glass of water and drinks it slowly as his mind continues to buzz, a hundred thousand questions filling him up.
He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand where these dreams are coming from or what they could possibly mean. Why it's the same thing over and over again. Although, tonight, it went further, he'd even spoken, and Ryo had replied...
Shige shudders just remembering Ryo's voice, that low rumble he could almost feel, even now, even while he's awake, and this scares him a little. He doesn't understand what it means, and Shige hates not knowing.
He finishes his drink and sets the glass in the sink. With a sigh he resigns himself to go back to bed, cringing at the thought of having to wake up in a few hours to meet NewS for a photo shoot. As he lies down again, he feels trepidation at the thought of having to see Ryo later that day.
Shige groans, buries his face in his pillow and wonders if he's going insane.
He doesn't sleep at all the rest of the night.
+ + +
"Shige, you look awful," Tegoshi says, sounding, for once, genuinely concerned. "Are you okay?"
Shige nods. "I just haven't been sleeping well," he begins but a yawn cuts out almost half his words. Tegoshi seems to understand though, and peers at Shige with worry.
"You should be getting more sleep now that you're finished with school," Tegoshi says, as if Shige didn't know.
Shige just nods again, forcing himself to keep his eyes open. He and Tegoshi finished their joint shoot and are waiting for the others in the dressing room, from which they'll leave together back to the jimusho for a meeting on their upcoming concerts. All he wants is to sleep, but he knows the instant he closes his eyes, what he'll find behind them, and he can't risk that, anymore.
It's been another few days and his dreams seem to taunt him consistently. He can barely think of anything else other than this, wonder why and why and why over and over until it nearly drives him crazy. Shige can't remember the last time he slept peacefully, waking up almost every night by Ryo- Ryo pushing him into the wall, staring at him with those unfathomable eyes and making Shige weak at the knees.
And last night, it had only gotten worse.
Shige remembers it in his mind as if it's happening to him right now, can almost feel how Ryo had held him, fingers tight on his wrist to make sure he won't escape, his breath hot on his skin as he smirked so deviously. And Shige couldn't move even if he wanted to and in that moment after Ryo says, "I'd have figured that'd be obvious, Shige," he leaned in close and kissed him.
And now Shige can't get that image out of his head.
"Shige?" Tegoshi's voice cuts Shige out of his thoughts and he shakes his head at the youngest member's worried eyes.
"I'm fine," he insists but Tegoshi doesn't look convinced. "I'm just tired, that's all."
"If you're sure," Tegoshi says and Shige nods firmly, hoping he'll drop the matter, and he does, thankfully, though it doesn't help much when the door opens and Ryo walks inside and promptly collapses on the couch right beside Shige.
"Massu and Koyama are finishing up and then we should be able to go," Yamapi announces, following Ryo, but Shige barely hears his words, trying as discreetly as he can to shrink away from Ryo.
It's been rather torturous, trying to keep his secret to himself and not show it on his face. He knows Koyama can read him like a book, but thankfully his best friend hasn't confronted him about anything yet, though Shige's sure it's just a matter of time. Ryo, even more thankfully, hasn't noticed Shige's avoidance, but that might be because he's so exhausted himself, considering his drama and both Kanjani8 and NEWS activities this summer.
Shige sucks in a breath when he realizes Ryo's dropped his head onto his shoulder, eyes closed and seemingly content, oblivious to Shige's inner turmoil. It doesn't help at all that no one seems to notice anything is off. Shige, however, can't stop his heart trying to drill through his chest and he fears moving in case Ryo wakes up and actually looks at him, because lately Shige hasn't been able to meet his eyes at all, always so instantly reminded of the way he gazes at him in his dreams, that look that, admittedly, has Shige's nerves on end.
Instead he just sits as impossibly still as he can, trying not to let his mind wander to dangerous places. But that doesn't work very well, especially when he feels Ryo's hair against his cheek, can practically smell the citrus of his shampoo, vaguely wonders what brand it is, along with the musky scent of his cologne.
A few minutes later Koyama and Massu join them, and Shige breathes a sigh of relief. As gently as he can he pokes Ryo in the arm and says, “Nishikido-kun? We have to go.”
Ryo murmurs something unintelligible into Shige’s shoulder and Shige feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, a sudden warm spreading through him. Ryo doesn’t wake up so Shige tries again, louder this time, until Ryo finally stirs, eyes opening and meeting Shige’s through his bangs.
Shige’s heart nearly stops; it’s the first time they’ve been so close since Shige’s dreams, and it startles him so much he jumps to his feet and nearly sends Ryo to the floor.
“What the fuck, Shige?” Ryo exclaims, more surprised than angry, as he picks himself up.
“S-Sorry,” Shige mutters, looking anywhere but at Ryo. Thankfully Ryo doesn’t say anything else even though he looks like he wants to, and Shige seizes the chance to grab his bag and be the first one out the door. As he heads to the van waiting to take them to the jimusho, he just hopes he can make it through the rest of day, because now he can’t seem to stop the tingling feeling in his body from having been so close to Ryo.
+ + +
The kiss is unlike any other Shige's ever received. It's fierce, bruising, and makes his head spin. All he can even fathom doing is gripping tightly onto Ryo's elbows for fear of his legs collapsing beneath him, but as Ryo steps in closer, pushing up against him with his entire body and smirking when it elicits a surprised moan from Shige, he figures if he falls, Ryo will catch him anyway.
It should be wrong, but it feels absolutely right and that scares him more than the actual fact that Ryo is kissing him. Shige can barely think, the only words flooding his mind are that of appreciation, of how Ryo's lips feel against his, all hot and demanding and that maybe, perhaps, he should part his lips and when he does, it's amazing, like fireworks erupting inside of him, the way their tongues meet and Ryo's fingers curl into his hair. Instinctively he moves his hips, pushing toward Ryo and Ryo makes a deep, guttural noise that has Shige trembling, and then he's grinding back, harder, and Shige can feel the brick of the wall cutting against his back.
He can't stop it, the sudden feeling spreading throughout him. Every bit of him feels like it's on edge, like this is the most important thing in the world, no matter that he's never thought of this ever, had never realized he even possibly wanted it, never guessed Ryo would initiate it, Ryo who usually gives him such a hard time now kissing him with such enthusiasm Shige can barely keep up. It makes him try harder, though, to match him, to surpass him, even though he has no idea what he's doing other than making sure this feeling never stops, this rush and exhilaration that he usually feels during a live, and hasn't felt in a long, long time.
"You're thinking too much," Ryo suddenly says, breaking their kiss to whisper the words into Shige's neck. And Shige shivers, which makes Ryo grin, tracing his lips along Shige's jaw and down the slope of his throat. "I can hear it."
"Sorry," Shige says, the only thing he can think to say, and then Ryo's flicking his gaze up to him, those beautiful eyes that seem to read him better than Shige can read himself, and Ryo's back to kissing him again, harder than before.
He stops thinking, and just starts feeling, lets himself be guided by what makes his heart race, his skin tingle, and his stomach twist in pleasure. It's easy, because nearly everything Ryo does makes him feel that way, and Shige soon feels the telltale pang of arousal in his groin, automatically grabbing Ryo's hips and pulling him flush against him.
Ryo moans and it's a beautiful sound, raw and hot and a little desperate, and Shige instantly loves it, eager to hear it again, and again, and again. Ryo doesn't disappoint, moving his hips against Shige's as he trails his lips from Shige's mouth to his ear, biting softly against the lobe and making Shige jump slightly in his grasp. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels Ryo's hands relocate to his jeans, swiftly undoing his belt and the fastens, and then there's a hand shoved down, wrapping around his erection and he whimpers into Ryo's hair, slumps back against the wall as his eyes flutter shut.
"Shige," Ryo says in his molten voice. "Look at me."
It takes him a while to be able to open his eyes, completely lost in the way Ryo's stroking him, but he manages eventually. Ryo's eyes are right before his, somehow still soft with all of its intensity, and Shige feels his heart swell in his chest, unsure what this feeling is exactly, but not wanting it to end, and Ryo's working his hand faster as he keeps his gaze, faster and faster until Shige can't take it anymore, until his world starts to go a little white at the edges, until he comes so hard he swears he blacks out, but he can still hear Ryo's voice is in his ear, all soft as he tells him to wake up--
Shige nearly screams as he's shaken awake, reality smacking him in the face.
"Are you okay?" Ryo questions from where he's hovering above Shige, looking torn between amusement and worry.
Shige nods quickly, unable to find his voice, unable to look at Ryo, his body searing with pleasure, only able to remember he's at a News meeting and they were taking a break - he must've fallen asleep, even though he's been trying so hard not to, especially while he’s here, in such close proximity to Ryo, who is still staring at him curiously.
Shige swallows the thickness n his throat and manages a hoarse, "I-I'm fine." Except when he tries to sit up, he can feel his arousal between his legs, and thinks nothing could be worse than this. At least it wasn't glaringly obvious because then he'd have some explaining to do.
"If you're sure," Ryo says, pulling Shige back from thoughts of how the world clearly hates him. "Come on, then, we have dance practice now. The others have already gone over."
"Y-you go. I-I'll meet up in a second. B-Bathroom," Shige says hastily and thankfully Ryo doesn't question, just shrugs and leaves.
Shige waits until the door shuts before he sinks back against the couch. He glances at his watch and figures he has about five minutes. It'll have to do.
And before he can change his mind, he undoes his jeans and wraps a hand around himself and strokes with intent. He doesn’t last long, but it doesn’t mater, his entire body aching for release, and his mind provides the rest, the images of his dream playing across his eyes like a cinema and he can’t even deny it’s this that gets him off, the thought of really being like that with Ryo that has him coming harder than he ever remembers before.
He quickly cleans up and rushes off to meet the rest of NEWS. And for the rest of the day, he can’t look at Ryo.
+ + +
“You look horrible,” Koyama says, as if Shige doesn’t already know.
He doesn’t even bother replying, just moves aside to let Koyama into his apartment and shuts the door after him. “Thanks for coming,” he says eventually, when Koyama’s pulling out take-out onto the dining table along with beer, one of which he hands to Shige.
Gratefully, Shige takes it and sits down at the table, watching as Koyama hands him his dinner and a pair of chopsticks. “You didn’t have to bring all this,” he says, but Koyama just makes an impatient noise at him.
“Course I did,” he replies. “I’m worried about you. We all are. You’re like a zombie, lately. What’s going on?”
Shige sighs, uncertain how to go about telling Koyama everything that has happened in the past few weeks. It’s all gotten worse, his dreams stuck on him and Ryo, on Ryo kissing him, touching him, holding him, and Shige wakes up every time feeling like he’s just run a mile, like the blood in his veins is boiling, and he’s gotten off to the thought, to those dreams, to Ryo, more than once, now.
Just thinking about it right now makes him hot all over and he quickly drinks more beer, hoping it’ll make it easier to talk about. Koyama’s still looking at him with worry so Shige manages to say, “Can we eat first? I need to think.”
Koyama smiles and nods and they both dig in, although Shige merely picks around at his food, even though Koyama bought all of his favorites. He doesn’t have the appetite, thinking about Ryo and being together with him like they have in his dreams, they haunt his mind, all day long, and it’s becoming difficult to concentrate on anything. It gets worse when he’s actually around Ryo, and he knows Ryo’s noticing, now, the way Shige’s trying to avoid him. He must have turned down five invites for drinks or meals in the past three days, and he knows he can’t keep it up much longer.
He just doesn’t know what to do, and this is why he called Koyama over tonight, to talk about it, to hopefully get some help.
Koyama only makes it ten minutes before he asks, "Can you talk about it now?"
Shige rolls his eyes and Koyama just grins at him. "If you're that desperate to know," he says slowly. "But, don't...don't judge, okay?"
Koyama's smile falls and a serious look crosses his face. "Shige," he says, "whatever it is that's bothering you, I'm sure it's not that bad. And besides, I'm your best friend! It'll take a lot to get me to judge you."
Shige sighs with relief and nods, and with a deep breath, lets it all out. He doesn't hold anything back, finding that he actually starts to feel better as he explains everything that he's been keeping locked inside. As he recounts his dreams he can visualize them in front of his eyes, as if he's not in his kitchen but standing there, in that alley, watching himself and Ryo, watching Ryo kiss him, watching himself kiss Ryo back. He's done it so many times, watching and re-watching, he has it all memorized, not that it ever took him any work to remember, always there in the forefront of his mind, reminding him, mocking him, infuriating him.
He still doesn't get why and this frustrates him more than anything. He voices this worry and finishes with, "And I just have no idea what to do and it's driving me insane."
Koyama just stares at him for a few long, unnervingly silent moments. His eyes are wide and he looks rather dumbfounded. Shige hadn't expected anything else, so he just waits until Koyama composes himself enough to splutter, "Y-You're dreaming about Ryo-chan?"
"Yes," Shige breathes.
"L-Like that?"
"Yes."
"All this time?"
"Koyama."
"Okay, okay, sorry," Koyama says, still looking a little incredulous but at least he's not gaping at Shige anymore. "Um," he tries, "this definitely explains a lot."
"What am I supposed to do about it, though?" Shige complains. "I-I don't know why I'm having these dreams, why they won't just stop, why do I end up . . . y-you know, after--"
"Isn't it obvious?" Koyama interjects.
"What's obvious?" Shige replies, blinking with confusion.
"Why you're having these dreams, stupid," Koyama says.
A little affronted, because Koyama has no right to call anyone else stupid, Shige frowns. "What're you talking about?"
Koyama sighs and says, "You like him!"
Shige stares. "Like who?"
"You like Ryo-chan!" Koyama nearly shouts and Shige's eyes grow impossibly wide for three seconds before he just about matches Koyama's scream.
"What?!"
Koyama leans back against his chair and says, "Well, why not? Maybe subconsciously, you're attracted to him. You want him."
"B-But this is Nishikido-kun we’re talking about," Shige exclaims in a shrill voice. "I-I'm not going to deny that he's, well, g-good looking or something, but . . . but that doesn't mean I want to be with him!"
"Then you explain your weird dreams," Koyama says, crossing his arms over his chest.
Shige opens his mouth but closes it a second later, defeated. He slumps back against his seat and purses his lips thoughtfully. As Koyama returns to eating, Shige thinks about what Koyama just insinuated. He remembers his dreams, remembers how they make him feel, how he wakes up every time afterward with his heart throbbing and a fire kindling throughout his veins, how, as the dreams get more and more explicit, he wakes with a aching hard-on, and can’t return to sleep without thinking about it as he touches himself, and every time he seems to come harder than the last, the images in his mind clear and vivid as if burned onto his retinas.
He thinks about actually liking Ryo, and that’s where it gets confusing. He doesn’t know, for sure, because he really can’t deny being even a tiny bit attracted to him, to that low, husky voice in his ear, and the way his lips quirk in the corners, and how his eyes are always so deep and sure and gorgeous.
“Have you figured it out yet?” Koyama asks suddenly and Shige snaps back to reality.
“I’m not sure,” he replies honestly.
Koyama smiles. “Shige, it’s just a dream,” he says. “It’s up to you if you really want it to mean something.”
Shige nods, contemplative, and returns to his dinner. Later that night, after Koyama’s left and he’s lying in his bed, waiting for his usual nighttime movie to claim his sleep, thinks about what Koyama said, and wonders if making the choice is really that easy.
+ + +
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Ryo says two days later, cornering Shige after at the end of a dance practice.
Shige forces himself to look at Ryo when he replies, “N-No, I haven’t.”
Ryo’s eyes narrow. “You’ve declined every invitation I’ve given to go out. That sounds like avoidance.”
Shige tries not to let his mind wander to dangerous places, already on edge just from Ryo’s dark gaze on him. “I’ve just been tired, Nishikido-kun,” he says, surprised at how firm his voice sounds. “It’s nothing against you-”
“Good,” Ryo cuts in. “Then you can come with me now.”
Shige panics. “But-”
“You’re coming,” Ryo says and give Shige a look that clearly says he has no choice. “It’s been awhile, and I miss having the chance to mock you.”
Shige rolls his eyes when Ryo smirks. “You do that all the time,” he says, grudgingly following Ryo out the building even though every part of him is screaming that this is the worst idea in the history of worst ideas.
“Yeah, but sometimes it’s just nice to do it in different places,” Ryo replies easily and Shige just shakes his head, amused despite his dilemma.
“If you say so,” he says.
Ryo grins. “I do,” he says, “now get in.” He motions to his car and Shige hesitates just a second before he grabs the door handle and slides into the passenger seat, and the smile that Ryo gives him as he starts the car makes it all worth it.
They go to a bar, one they’ve been to before, and it’s nothing fancy or special, just sliding onto stools at the counter and ordering their usual drinks. Admittedly, it’s nice to go out with Ryo again; it has been awhile, even if it’s mostly due to Shige’s recent events that they haven’t hung out.
Surprisingly, it’s not as horrible as Shige expects it, easily slipping into their usual roles. He’s a little reserved because he can barely stand to look at Ryo in the eye longer than three seconds, and he knows Ryo knows and that only makes it harder to keep up. At least Ryo’s not asking him about it because Shige doesn’t know what he’d do then; Ryo can tell when he’s lying, and Shige’s never been good at it in the first place. The last thing he wants is for Ryo to find out everything he’s been dreaming about, at least not until Shige sorts it out for himself.
Of course, because the world seems to enjoy watching him suffer, as the night wears on, and the drinks continue, Ryo gets pretty drunk pretty fast. And Shige finds himself with Ryo leaning against him because Ryo can often get affectionate when he’s drunk, and Shige thinks he should’ve remembered this earlier. It would have saved him a lot of anxiety because it’s just like before when Ryo was sleeping on his shoulder, except this is worse because he’s awake, and every time he speaks he talks right into Shige’s shoulder, his breath hot on Shige’s skin and involuntarily making him shudder.
Ryo doesn’t notice anything’s wrong, just continues talking about whatever it is he’s come up with next. Shige’s lost track of their conversations, which usually start out innocent enough, like movies or work, and quickly end up with Ryo comparing the sizes of various girls’ boobs.
Shige would actively participate if it wasn’t for the fact that Ryo’s dropped a hand on his knee and it feels rather nice, his fingers warm. Or for the fact that Shige’s realized, if he just turned his head, he could probably kiss Ryo, if he wanted, and realizes that yes, he kind of does want to and now he’s positive that there must be something wrong with him.
It’s a relief when Ryo finally decides he’s had enough, but as he tries to stand up and clearly fails, Shige thinks it’s best if he drove Ryo home first.
“I’m fine,” Ryo insists, but just those words are slurred.
Shige laughs. “I don’t think so,” he replies and fishes Ryo’s keys from his pocket. Ryo leans against him and lets out a sigh that tickles Shige’s cheek and he flushes as he quickly extracts his hand. “C-Come on,” he says, and leads the way.
Ryo falls asleep in the car, and so, to Shige’s mortification, after rousing him enough so he can walk, Shige’s stuck helping him up to his apartment. Ryo just collapses right in bed and Shige sets his keys on the nightstand.
“You can just stay here,” Ryo mumbles into the pillow, opening tired eyes to peer up at Shige.
Shige contemplates for a moment. It would definitely be easier than getting a cab to go home, and he is tired, but, as he looks at Ryo, hair in his face, those eyes staring up at him, dark and intense despite the alcohol-induced haze, he knows it would be just as bad an idea as it was coming out with him in the first place.
“N-No, that’s fine. I should go home. See you,” he says quickly and leaves.
The entire ride home he wonders just how much these dreams have affected him, and as he lies in bed, waiting for them to come claim him once more, he’s almost looking forward to it.
+ + +
It’s the last interview for the day and Shige’s just glad to almost be done. He just wants to go home and escape being around the others, specifically Ryo, for the rest of the night. After everything that happened when he and Ryo went out a few nights ago, and after the possible realization that he really is attracted to Ryo, Shige can barely stand to be around him without freaking out.
It doesn’t help at all that Ryo keeps glancing at him every once in awhile when he thinks Shige isn’t looking, and all Shige can think of are his dreams, which have since escalated to even more fierce kissing and touching, just shy of any actual sex, and Shige just gets hot all over even thinking about it.
He seats himself quickly between Koyama and Massu at the last interview for Wink Up. He only half-mindedly answers the questions and draws the little picture of a cow for the Ten Question section.
But when the interviewer grins at them and says, “Tell us about a dream you had recently!” for the first question, Shige’s heart nearly stops.
Koyama glances at him with worry but Shige just can’t seem to think of anything to say. He should come up with something else, lie, say he hasn’t had any dreams for awhile, but both Yamapi and Ryo end up saying that immediately and Shige, although having a mini panic attack, would like to give the readers something interesting. Of course he can’t say what he’s really been dreaming, and he can’t remember any other dream beside those, and when the interviewer finally turns to him, Shige says the first thing he can come up with.
“I had a dream where Nishikido-kun seemed like he was going to get angry at me,” he says, and then laughs, playing it off as a joke, and the others chuckle as well, although Shige can feel Ryo’s eyes on him.
Thankfully the rest of the interview goes by smoothly and when they finish Shige is the first one on his feet, ready to get to the van that’ll take him home. Only after he says his goodbyes to the others and grabs his things does he remember that Ryo’s taking the same van as him. Shige almost contemplates walking back to his apartment, but the second he steps outside to see it raining, he thinks he’ll chance the ride with Ryo instead (even though he knows it cannot end well, not after having admitted having a dream about him).
Surprisingly, Ryo says nothing as they sit in the van and are ushered toward Shige’s apartment, which is the closest. Shige, however, can barely sit still, fidgeting nervously, trying to stay as far as physically possible from Ryo without him noticing, his heart racing in his chest because all he can think about is Ryo, the Ryo sitting beside him and the Ryo in his dreams which have more or less become the same Ryo that Shige undoubtedly is attracted to. So he doesn’t know what to say or do and it almost comes as a relief when, unexpectedly, the van sputters loudly and dies.
As the driver apologizes profusely and goes out into the pouring rain to check under the hood, Shige sighs and slumps against his seat. They wait for five minutes, while their driver, who clearly has no idea what he’s doing, tries to reactivate the van, before Ryo turns to Shige and says, “Let’s go.”
Shige stares at him. “Go where?”
“Your place,” Ryo says, already slinging his bag over his shoulder. “It’s just a block away now, right? I sure as hell don’t want to sit here and wait for them to fix this stupid thing. We can just walk.”
“In the rain?” Shige says, trying to keep the panic out of his voice.
“Well, how else do you propose we get there?” Ryo replies, amusement in his eyes. “Come on, genius,” he says with a grin as he opens the door and gets out, uncaring about the rain pouring onto him. Shige hears him talking to the driver for a few moments before Ryo reappears and gives him an impatient look. “What’re you waiting for?”
Reluctantly, Shige gets out and follows Ryo through the downpour back to his apartment. They’re soaked head to toe by the time they arrive, and Shige thinks it’s possibly the stupidest thing he can do, in his current state, letting Ryo into his apartment. He does it anyway, of course, because he can’t just let Ryo walk around in the rain to catch a cold. The least he could do is let him dry off and then give him an umbrella or something so he could walk to the nearest station and-
“Have anything to drink?” Ryo says, cutting through Shige’s thoughts.
Shige just nods as he shuts the door and toes off his shoes. Ryo’s already heading into the kitchen and by the time Shige follows, the older man has stripped off his wet t-shirt, and was grabbing two beers from the fridge. Except Shige doesn’t really notice any of that, frozen to the spot with his eyes glued to Ryo’s back, at the muscles moving under his gorgeously tanned skin as he rifles through the fridge, and Shige’s mind goes straight to his dreams. And although his dreams never went so far as to the two of them really fucking, Shige can’t deny he hasn’t thought about it. After these dreams, it’s impossible not to, to wonder what it would be like, the sounds Ryo would make, the way he would feel, how the would do it, all if it, Shige has imagined in his head on those nights he wakes up with another painful erection, his mind starting with the dreams but he controls the rest, the continuation, where Ryo fucks him up against that wall and-
“Are you okay?”
Shige starts. “Uh, yeah, I-I’m fine,” he says hastily, looking everywhere but at Ryo, who’s standing before him in all of his shirtless glory. To distract himself, he says, “I-I can put that in the dryer for you.
“Oh, thanks,” Ryo says, handing his shirt to Shige, and then adds, to Shige’s horror, “Take these, too,” and proceeds to strip out of his jeans.
Shige wants to die, right now, nearly snatching the pants from Ryo’s grip and running to the dryer, unconcerned by the look of puzzlement in Ryo’s eyes. He figures he should probably dry his own clothes as well, and after switching into another pair of clothes, puts the wet ones with Ryo’s into the dryer. He returns to his room to find something for Ryo because Shige’s sure he really will die if Ryo continues to sit around in his boxers, which, Shige knows, the older man would gladly do without question.
He grabs a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and joins Ryo, who has made himself comfortable on the couch with his beer, and is watching the weather on television.
“Here,” Shige says, handing him the clothes. “They might be a little big, but until your clothes dry…”
“It’s fine,” Ryo replies. “Thanks.” He gives Shige a smile that makes his heart throb and Shige turns away as Ryo pulls the clothes on. He notices that Ryo set the second beer on the coffee table and quickly takes it, figuring the only way he’ll get through this is if he’s drunk enough not to care.
They sit in silence for awhile but Shige continues feeling nervous, almost wishes he could just say he had schoolwork to do and hide in his room. Unfortunately that excuse doesn’t work anymore now that he’s graduated so he resigns himself to watching television with Ryo and forcing his mind not to wander to dangerous places, and hoping he’ll be able to get through this unscathed.
Of course he’s not that lucky, and when Ryo suddenly says, “So is that why you’ve been acting so weird lately?” Shige knows exactly what he means, and feels dread sink into his stomach.
“W-What’re you talking about?” he says, hoping he sounds more confident than he does to his own ears.
“What you said in the interview,” Ryo answers. “Having a dream about me. Is that why you’re acting so strange lately? Particularly to me.”
Ryo’s looking at him now and Shige meets his eyes for a second before he forces out a laugh. “No, no,” he says, hoping Ryo will buy his lie, “t-that was nothing. Just a stupid dream. It has . . . nothing to do with you.” He laughs again, but stops abruptly because Ryo doesn’t seem as amused, eyes dark and lips set into a tight frown. Shige looks away quickly and adds quietly, “Don’t worry about it, Nishikido-kun.”
“Are you sure?” Ryo says and suddenly his voice is a lot closer than before and when Shige turns, he finds Ryo has moved over, sitting just beside him.
Instinctively, Shige backs away as much as he can, which isn’t much at all considering he’s still on the couch and is blocked by the armrest he ends up leaning against. Ryo’s staring at him with the same gaze Shige has seen hundreds of times in his recent dreams and thoughts, that look that has haunted him and tormented him and aroused him, right there before him, for real. Shige swallows thickly, unsure what to say or do, but Ryo seems to know what he wants, moving closer still while the television continues to play behind him.
“Are you sure I shouldn’t worry about it?” he questions in that low voice that has Shige’s spine tingling. “Because this is kind of pissing me off, Shige. You’re acting fine with everyone else, so what’s your problem with me?”
Shige knew he couldn’t hide it. Ryo is extremely perceptive, even if he does spend half his time asleep in NewS’ dressing room, and Shige just knew Ryo would notice, no matter how much he tried being discreet. He doesn’t know what to do now. And he only has two options: lie and play it off as a joke, or come clean, to the fact that for the past month Shige has had not-so-innocent dreams about Ryo.
“So,” Ryo continues when Shige doesn’t say anything, “tell me about this dream.”
Shige laughs awkwardly. “I-It’s as I said at the interview. You just seemed like you were going to get pissed at me and then, then I woke up. That’s it.”
Ryo’s eyes narrow. “You’re lying.”
Shige shakes his head a little too soon. “Am not.”
“Shige, everything shows on your face,” Ryo replies, now sounding a little amused. “I can tell you’re hiding something.”
“Look,” Shige says with as much courage as he can muster, and pushes Ryo away from him with a hand to his shoulder. “It was just a silly dream. It meant nothing. Everything’s fine. I’m not avoiding you or anything.”
“Then why won’t you look at me?” Ryo questions and Shige mentally curses.
He takes a deep, staggering breath and finally meets Ryo’s eyes directly. And he can’t stop the immediate images inside his mind, everything he has thought about and dreamt up appearing before his eyes as he looks into Ryo’s. And it’s almost as if it’s that initial moment in his dream, the beginning that started it all, Ryo staring at him with an unfathomable gaze and Shige’s heart pounding in his ears, but this time it’s real and this time Shige’s almost certain he wants to kiss him, wants to just lean forward even the slightest bit and-
Shige's heart stops in his chest and his eyes grow impossibly wide because Ryo has leaned in and done exactly what he was thinking, pressing those smooth lips Shige has thought about for weeks against his own.
He's more or less frozen to the spot because he cannot believe this is actually happening. And it isn't until Ryo licks the seam of his lips with his tongue does Shige finally seem to jolt back to reality. He parts his mouth instinctively and Ryo immediately takes the bait, slipping his tongue in and meeting Shige's and Shige can't even feel embarrassed when he lets out a low, throaty noise that Ryo swallows. His mind is a whirlwind and he feels completely swept up in it, in this moment, in the real feel of Ryo's mouth against his, no more wondering or guessing. It's soft and smooth and Ryo is surprisingly gentle, it's not the harsh kiss from his dreams but a curious exploration that feels a thousand times better.
Only just as Shige starts to get into it, Ryo pulls away, licking his lips rather obscenely and Shige doesn't bother trying not to stare. Ryo looks torn between shocked and amused when Shige finally glances at him, but then seems to settle for the latter because he smirks and his eyes shine with mischief.
"So this is what you've been dreaming about, huh?"
Shige has the decency to blush, because even though they just made out, it's still embarrassing to admit of having dreamt about his band mate for a month. "Maybe," he answers.
"This is why you've been acting weird, isn't it?" Ryo continues.
Shige nods.
Ryo continues to stare at him for awhile until Shige starts to feel rather uncomfortable, squirming against the couch and looking away. Then Ryo asks, "What else did you dream about?"
"Huh?" Shige says quickly, looking back and Ryo's there again, their faces just mere inches from each other.
"Was it just kissing, Shige?" Ryo asks, lowering his voice and leaning in to whisper into Shige's ear. "Or was there more?"
As he talks he slides a hand up Shige's thigh, smirking against Shige's neck when he shivers from the touch. "Seems like there was more than just kissing," he says, and Shige wants to think of something witty to reply but nothing comes to mind, every fiber in his body focusing in on the feel of Ryo's fingers skimming over his stomach and up his chest, and wishing it was against his skin instead of over his clothing, wishing Ryo would touch him lower.
"Tell me what you dreamt about, Shige," Ryo breathes.
Shige shudders out a breath and says, "Why?"
Ryo stops what he's doing, his hand pausing on Shige's stomach and he pulls back enough before replying, "Why what?"
"Why do you want to know?" Shige questions.
Ryo's eyes darken and he moves in again, lips just a breath against Shige's as he answers, "I'd have thought that'd be obvious, Shige," and it's just like in his dreams, because then Ryo's kissing him again, harder and fiercer than before, all tongue and mingled breath until Shige realizes that maybe he’s not the only one who wants this too.
It has him pulling Ryo close with hands fisted into the front of his shirt. It's like his dream coming alive, the rush and the urgency and the desperation of it all practically the same, and yet it's all new because he's only now learning how calloused Ryo's fingers are, probably from all of the guitar playing, when they slip under his shirt, finally, and flit along his abs, up to his chest to brush over his nipples. Shige gasps into Ryo's mouth, tangles his own hand into Ryo's hair, learns how soft it is, falling between his fingers, and learns that Ryo likes the touch, how he sighs against Shige's lips and shifts closer. Shige stretches beneath him and Ryo kneels over him, knees on either side of Shige's hips, and Shige trails his free hand up Ryo's back, under his shirt, feeling those sinewy muscles he saw earlier flex beneath his fingertips.
Shige breaks away first, when the necessity to breathe becomes impossible to ignore, leaning his head back against the armrest as Ryo trails his lips down his neck, clearly not eager to stop. Shige still finds it hard to believe it’s actually happening, wonders if this is a dream, but when Ryo’s fingers reach the hem of his pants, lingering just a little uncertainly on his belt buckle, Shige knows this is no dream.
He glances up at Ryo, who peers at him from behind his bangs, and it’s hot, the look he’s giving Shige right now. Shige bites his lower lip, and starts, “N-Nishikido-kun-”
“Ryo,” says Ryo, and his voice wavers just a little, as if he’s surprised by what he’s saying himself, by what this means, the gap they’re closing, the bridge they’re crossing.
Shige licks his lips and tries, “Ryo,” the name foreign and yet familiar, like he was meant to say it all this time, and then Ryo’s back in his mouth, kissing him with such fervor that Shige seems to forget his own name.
It doesn’t help when Ryo starts to grind down against him, over and over in a delicious rhythm, until Shige is panting against his lips and nearly arching off the couch, reciprocating as much as he’s receiving. It’s a hundred times better than his dreams because it’s real, he can feel that pang of arousal in his belly, and the fire spreading throughout his veins.
“R-Ryo,” Shige gasps, tugging just barely on Ryo’s hair to pull him away, but Ryo is moving his hips in a very distracting way and Shige can’t resist a moan. It has Ryo grinning against his jaw and Shige turns his head to the side to resist Ryo’s ministrations as he continues to get Ryo’s attention with a “W-Wait, stop.”
Ryo, however, just goes for his ear, nibbling gently on the lobe and reducing Shige into whimpers, his pleas lost until Shige forcefully grabs his hair and all but yanks him back. They look at each other with dark eyes, Ryo’s pissed and Shige knows it, but he just catches his breath before he says, “Bedroom.”
Ryo wastes absolutely no time; off the couch in the next second and pulling Shige down the hall within three. Shige’s pushed upon the mattress with less finesse than he’d like, but clearly neatness is not top on Ryo’s list of priorities. Shige has to admit it’s not on his either, especially when Ryo takes the fabric of his shirt in both hands and pulls it over Shige’s head. As he takes Shige’s belt in hand, he leans forward and whispers into Shige’s ear, “Is this what happened in your dreams?”
Shige sucks in a breath and says, “Not, not quite like this.”
“Tell me,” Ryo demands in a low voice. “What happens first, Shige? What do you want?”
Shige almost doesn’t believe he says it until it’s out of his mouth: “Touch me.”
And, without a moment’s hesitation, Ryo does, deftly undoing the fastenings on Shige’s jeans and slipping his hand inside. He strokes him slowly but determinedly, watching with predatory eyes as Shige thrusts up into his hand, not bothering to hide the groan that escapes his lips.
“Ryo,” Shige says, urgently, his eyes closed from the pleasure, and Ryo understands, rubbing his thumb across the head on the upstroke, tightening his fingers just enough for a bit more friction. Shige reaches out and grips whatever of Ryo he can reach, pulling him by the fabric of his shirt until Ryo gets it and leans in for another kiss. It’s sloppy and breathy because Shige can’t think straight enough to do it properly, but Ryo doesn’t seem to care, slowly trailing his lips down Shige’s neck, sucking along his exposed collarbone until Shige’s just about writhing beneath him.
That’s when he pulls away, of course, watching as Shige deflates with a whine. Ryo just smirks and says, “What was next, Shige?”
It takes a while for Shige to string his words together properly. “That’s as far as I got in the dreams,” he admits.
Ryo raises a brow. “Really?”
Shige nods. “Yeah,” he says and then glances away, “But . . . On, on my own, I-”
Ryo looks surprised for a second, as if not expecting Shige to admit it, but then the surprise is replace with deviousness and he trails his fingers from Shige’s clavicle down slowly to the open hem of his pants. “How, Shige?” he asks, “as you touched yourself like this?”
Shige’s eyes fall close and he breathes out, “Yes,” thinking now that there’s no going back, this is it, whatever it is.
“Do it now, I want to see,” Ryo says in that molten voice of his and Shige thinks Ryo could ask him to kill someone in that voice, and he would do it without question.
So he does, shifting long enough to ease his pants and boxers over his hips, jumping a little when Ryo helps to pull the rest of his clothes off and toss them onto his floor. He skims his fingers along his waist, trembling a little in anticipation, and he can feel Ryo’s eyes on him even though his remain shut. Just knowing Ryo’s watching makes him hotter, harder, and when he finally wraps his fingers around himself, it’s like relief, and he lets out a sigh that almost instantly becomes a moan at Ryo’s next words, whispered directly into his ear:
“You want me to fuck you, don’t you, Shige?”
Shige opens his eyes. “Yes,” he says, his voice just barely audible over the beating of his own heart, and when Ryo finds his gaze, he can’t think of anything but how much he wants this.
Ryo kisses him once, twice, slow and sweet, and it makes butterflies flutter in Shige’s stomach. He slides his hands up Ryo’s back, pulling his shirt with him until Ryo takes the hint and backs off, letting Shige pull the clothing off and throw it somewhere. Ryo’s back in his mouth instantaneously while Shige traces his fingers over the smooth curves of Ryo’s spine. He slides them around Ryo’s slender hips and to the front of the sweats, pulling on the waistband to get Ryo’s attention. Ryo pulls back and makes work of his remaining clothes while Shige reaches into the drawer of his nightstand and pulls out necessities.
Ryo narrows his eyes. “You’ve done this before.”
“That’s none of your business,” Shige says breathlessly, handing Ryo the lube.
“Maybe I want it to be my business,” Ryo replies, uncapping the lube and coating his fingers.
Shige’s not sure what to say to that, but Ryo doesn’t seem to be looking for an answer as he slips his fingers between Shige’s legs and presses against the tight ring of muscles. Shige sucks in a deep breath when the first slides in, his eyes clenching shut from the burn. He curls his fingers into Ryo's hair again, and Ryo leans down to kiss him slowly as a distraction while he works in another finger. Shige feels overwhelmed, unable to believe they're going this far, what he's wanted for over a week now, finally coming true. And it feels amazing already, the gentle, reassuring way Ryo preps him, better than what he imagined, and almost like nothing after this will ever compare. It has him rocking his hips against Ryo's fingers, has Ryo pushing in a third, and then there, right there, over and over, Ryo presses against it, pulling back to watch as Shige starts to fall apart beneath him, soft moans spilling from his lips.
"Shige," Ryo says, kissing his jaw, nosing his cheek. "Look at me."
Shige does, opening his eyes slowly and finding Ryo's, that look that makes Shige simmer with pleasure, and he pulls Ryo down into a crushing kiss as he fucks himself on Ryo's fingers. It’s not enough, it’s never enough, and before long he’s whimpering his need into Ryo’s mouth, reaching his free hand to push shaky fingers against Ryo’s shoulder.
Ryo backs off and reaches for the condom, but Shige knocks his hands away and does it himself, eyes on Ryo’s face that contorts with bliss when Shige finally touches him, his fingers light on the sensitive skin. Ryo resists pushing up into him and nearly the second Shige’s got the condom on, he pulls his fingers out and replaces them with his cock.
Shige just about screams, his back arching and nails scraping along Ryo’s shoulders as his voice rings throughout the room and drowns out Ryo’s own groan. Ryo stops when he’s in all the way and Shige’s jaw tightens as he gets used to the intrusion, breathing heavily through parted lips while staring up into Ryo’s face, at the damp hair against his forehead, the rising flush of pleasure in his cheeks, the way he bites the corner of his lip in an attempt to control his own desire, to wait until Shige is ready before he starts to move, and then his eyes, those beautiful eyes and Shige is lost in them again as he nods his head just once.
Ryo moves instantly, pulling out and sharply thrusting back in, and moans when Shige impulsively tightens around him. Shige slides one hand from Ryo’s shoulder back to his hair, tugging him down until their lips meet. It’s a slow and sensual kiss, a complete contrast to the rapid pace of Ryo’s thrusts, of Shige’s hips rocking to meet him, the rhythm matching his heartbeat that seems to rip through his chest. Shige hears it loud in his ears, blocking out any thought but the raw, human emotions. He’s fueled by the desire that seems to crawl beneath his skin, a kind of itch that started with his dreams, only now being fully scratched, as Ryo slides a hand to grip his thigh and pulls him closer as he thrusts harder, the angles changing and finding the spot that makes Shige’s head spin and stars appear in his eyes.
“Ryo,” Shige says desperately, “God, yes, right there.”
Ryo groans, and presses ephemeral, butterfly kisses from shoulder to shoulder. His voice is husky when he says, “Shige, tell me what you want.”
Shige’s reply is instant. “Touch me,” he says, and moans when Ryo does, all but keening against the touch as Ryo works his hand in time to his thrusts and has Shige skittering dangerously close to that edge. He wants to come and doesn’t at the same time, wants this to last as long as possible because it feels too good, unbelievably good, too caught up in the moment, uncertain for what will happen afterward, when the passion cools and it’s just him, and Ryo.
But then Ryo’s kissing him again and Shige forgets his worries, figures he has time to think about it later, eager to come, to make Ryo come, to see for real what he’s been imagining for so long. He rocks his hips between the two pleasures, up into Ryo’s touch and back against Ryo, and it feels almost like his skin is on fire, desperate for release. It doesn’t take long, after that, all of his senses zeroing in on the indescribable ecstasy, of Ryo pressing against that spot repeatedly as he tightens his grip and rubs the head just right. His world goes white and black before colors seem to explode behind his eyelids when he finally comes with his fingers tangled into Ryo’s hair as he spills over Ryo’s fingers, quivering beneath him from the extremity of it all. He barely hears Ryo’s grunt as he undoubtedly tightens around him or feel his nails dig into his hip, just watches his face with dazed eyes until Ryo comes, too, his head dropping and hair shielding his face as his shoulders shake while the rest of him tenses as he finishes.
Shige reaches a hand out to swipe Ryo’s hair away, fingers trembling slightly from the sensations still rushing through him, and pushes up on Ryo’s chin so their eyes meet. For a few seconds they just stare at one another, and Shige delves into Ryo’s endless eyes, feels the passion and the affection in his gaze. Then Ryo smirks and Shige lets out a breathless laugh, and it’s perfect, this moment, all of Shige’s earlier worries evaporating and leaving him with a peaceful kind of bliss.
Ryo pulls away and deposits the condom into the trash while Shige grabs some tissue to clean up. He stretches the length of the bed as Ryo lies beside him, surprising Shige by pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. Shige grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers between them and Ryo squeezes his hand as his eyes fall close, exhaustion taking over.
Shige’s wide awake now, trying to figure out what to say, because despite the comfortable atmosphere they’ve established right now, Shige hates not knowing, knowing exactly what this means. “Ryo,” he says after awhile, and Ryo just makes a noncommittal grunt but otherwise doesn’t stir, so Shige tries again, his voice urgent. “Ryo.”
This time Ryo opens his eyes in a silent glare but Shige just stares back, hoping Ryo can read his thoughts because Shige doesn’t know how to voice what he’s thinking. Ryo sighs, then, and says with a smile, “Don’t think you’re the only one who has dreams.”
Shige’s eyes widen and Ryo grins, ending the conversation with a kiss before he turns back to sleep. Shige’s heart races as he closes his eyes and curls up beside Ryo, and this time he thinks he’ll finally be able to sleep peacefully.