fic; through the camera lenses | chapter twelve part 1
Title: Through the Camera Lenses | Chapter 12 - FINAL CHAPTER, Part 1
Pairing: RyoShige, KoyaShige, Pin
Rating: Overall PG-13, this chapter NC-17
Summary: Photographer Kato Shigeaki’s never had to put up with a model like Nishikido Ryo.
Author’s Note: Surprised to see this? :D I’m sorry for the unbelievably long (almost two years?!) wait for this chapter. THE FINAL CHAPTER, cry. T__T I can’t believe it’s done! I’ve been working on this chapter on and off the past year and half, specifically these past few months and am so pleased that it’s done. I hope you’ll be satisfied with this chapter (all 13704 words of it, omg DX) and the ending, which I really hope won’t disappoint. D: I’m really really nervous about this, actually, uhm. DX A-Anyway, that’s all. Other than: ENJOY! ♥♥♥
Shige locked the door to the backroom in the studio, picked up his bag from the floor and slung it over his shoulder, ready to leave and go home after a long day at work. All he’d done was develop photos and choose which ones he thought should be included for Ryo’s next project, but even then, it was a tiring process, mostly because seeing Ryo’s face hurt him too deeply.
He hadn’t seen Ryo for over a week now. Ryo hadn’t called since the last time they met - the day after Koyama had moved out - and Shige hadn’t called him either. He had made Massu explain to Ryo and the rest of the crew that they were taking a little break and that Shige would call them up when the shooting would recommence. It was cowardly and pathetic, but he wasn’t sure what else to do. After breaking up with Koyama, he was finally free to pursue the feelings he had whenever he was with Ryo, but it scared him at the same time. He didn’t know how to put the right foot forward and take the next step.
He liked Ryo. He really did. He wasn’t sure if he loved him yet, but his feelings were strong and relentless. It was a different love than the one he harbored for Koyama, and if he was honest with himself, he knew he wanted something to come out of it. But it had been a very long time since he’d done anything like this. With Koyama, they had just gradually fallen into a mutual understanding, a simple relationship, without ever having to work at it. But with Ryo, Shige wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t even be certain that Ryo liked him back.
So avoiding Ryo made the best sense to Shige. At least until he could sort out his own feelings and figure out what exactly he needed to do. He couldn’t avoid Ryo forever, of course, the model was persistent, after all, but he could buy himself some time to think and make sure that this was what he really wanted.
Shige took one last glance around the studio to make sure everything was put away and that he hadn’t forgotten anything, before turning towards the door. He stopped straight in his tracks when he found the last two people on earth waving at him from behind the glass.
Ten minutes later, Shige found himself in the VIP section of a club, on the top floor, it seemed, as he could look out onto the dance floor beneath him from the window on his left. Yamapi and Jin sat in the seat across from him with solemn eyes and even somber frowns.
“Erm,” Shige said awkwardly, “what am I doing here?”
“We need to talk,” Yamapi replied simply, leaning forward. “About Ryo-chan.”
Shige blinked. “I…I haven’t spoken to him for a week.”
“We know,” Jin said, leaning forward as well, and Shige suddenly felt like he was being interrogated. “That’s the problem.”
“I-I don’t understand,” Shige said truthfully.
“To put it bluntly, Ryo-chan loves you,” Yamapi explained and Shige nearly felt his heart fall out of his chest.
“W-What?” he exclaimed, eyes wide, unsure whether or not to believe it, yet hoping so much that it was true.
“He loves you,” Yamapi continued. “A lot. But. After your break-up with your boyfriend-”
“Wait, how do you know about that? I haven’t even told Ryo,” Shige demanded, surprised.
“Ryo-chan figured it out,” Jin said. “It’s true, isn’t it?”
Shige nodded slowly, feeling a little awkward about having this conversation with practically two strangers, never mind they were Ryo’s best friends.
“He won’t tell you he loves you,” Jin said. “He thinks he’s being chivalrous or some other crap like that-”
“Because,” Yamapi cut in, throwing Jin a dirty look for not keeping his opinions to himself, “he doesn’t want to pressure you into anything. He saw how you looked after the break up. He doesn’t want to hurt you even more. He feels it’s his fault you and your boyfriend broke up.”
Shige didn’t know what to say, eyes trained on his lap, watching his fingers twist together. His mind spun as it tried to gather up the information he had just been told, questions he had for many days finally being answered. Of course, he’d rather Ryo had told him he loved him himself, but at least now he understood why Ryo hadn’t contacted him in the past week.
Finally, he looked back up and said, “I get what you’re telling me, but I don’t know what you want me to do.”
“Take the first step,” Jin replied instantly. “If you tell him you like him, he’ll tell you too.”
“He really likes you, Shige-kun,” Yamapi added, a smile at his lips. “And I can tell you like him, too.”
Shige glanced from Yamapi to Jin and then back and slowly returns Yamapi’s smile. “Thanks,” he told him, and got to his feet. “I’ll be thinking about it. But now, I should go home.”
Yamapi nodded and Shige grabbed his bag and headed for the exit, leaving through the back door so as not to get caught up in the crowded club. Before he reached his car, however, he could hear Jin calling after him. Shige stopped in the parking lot and waited for Jin to catch up, raising an eyebrow expectantly when he arrived.
“I had to tell you something without Pi hearing it,” Jin said and Shige’s interest is piqued. “Ryo-chan, right now, knows how you must feel. Well, he probably understands more what your ex-boyfriend feels, but he understands. He understands so much that he’s being a fucking coward.”
Shige just blinked at Jin, unsure what the model-slash-singer was trying to say.
Jin seemed to notice Shige’s confused expression as he hastily continued, “You know that he and Pi dated right?” When Shige nodded, he added, “Why do you think they broke up?”
Shige’s eyes widened. “He-”
Jin shook his head. “Ryo-chan didn’t cheat. Pi did. With me.” Jin gave Shige a wry smile, and Shige could see it hurt him to speak about this. “It’s mostly my fault - Pi wouldn’t do anything until he told Ryo-chan the truth, but anyway - he understands.” Jin shook his head again before he continued, “He understands so much he won’t do anything. So if you want to be with him, if you love him at all, go and tell him. It’s the only way.”
When Shige said nothing, Jin added, “Chances are, right now, he’s thinking of how to just forget about you, instead. He doesn’t want to tell you because he thinks you’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend. You have to take the first step.”
“How?” Shige questioned. “We haven’t talked for over a week. He hasn’t called me. I don’t think he wants to see me.”
“He’s a coward,” Jin replied with a laugh, then looked up at the sky thoughtfully. “Why don’t you just call him up? Hang out. Let him know you still like him, even as a friend. And then, pick up your courage to tell him you love him.”
“Why do you care so much that I tell him?”
“He’s my best friend. He’s still my best friend, even after what I did.” Jin sighed in a way that made Shige think he felt that he didn’t deserve Ryo’s friendship. “And right now he loves you so much he’s just going to throw it all away. I don’t want him hurt, okay?”
“I won’t hurt him,” Shige assured Jin honestly.
Jin gave a small smile. “Yeah, I know. Which is why I want to help you. Pi and I both will try to help, but you just have to call him up and hang out, okay?”
Shige nodded. “Okay,” he said, and smiled. “Thanks.”
Jin shook his head. “No,” he said. “Thank you.”
*
Shige stared at the screen of his cell phone, thumb poised over the call button, the name highlighted on the screen almost glaring at him in the otherwise darkness of his room. It was quite late now, but Shige had been sitting there for hours, reaching for his phone, almost making the call, and then wussing out before he could. He should just go to bed, but every time he put his phone away and tried he could never fall asleep. So he pulled his phone back out and scrolled through his contact list, stopping upon a certain name, and then chickening out.
It shouldn’t be so hard. It wasn’t as though he and Ryo had stopped talking on bad terms or anything. They just…stopped. And Ryo didn’t make the effort to call him but neither had Shige in the past two weeks. And after what Jin and Yamapi had told him, Shige understood that he needed to make the first move if he wanted to change it.
Muttering curses under his breath, he rolled over onto his back and accidentally pressed down on the call button. His eyes widened in horror as he heard the line connect and when Ryo’s voice went, “Hello?” in his ear, Shige did the only logical thing he could come up with. He hung up.
He winced, clutching the phone in his hands, knowing it was a bad idea to do that. But he’d panicked - he hadn’t even built up his courage to talk to Ryo yet. He had no idea what he could say.
Unfortunately, five seconds later, his phone rang, startling him out of his moment of self-pity, and he glanced down at the ID, winced again when he saw it was Ryo. He knew if he didn’t answer now, Ryo would call back continuously, so Shige hesitantly answered with a quiet, “Hello?”
“Shige?” Ryo questioned.
“Yes?” Shige responded tentatively.
“Did you just hang up on me?”
“…Maybe.” Shige bit his lower lip and braced himself for Ryo’s inevitable outburst.
However, Ryo just replied, “Oh, okay. So. Why did you call?”
Shige blinked and then heaved a big sigh, sliding onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. “Uhm,” he replied. “I…I don’t really know.”
There was a pause on the other end, then Ryo said, “Then, I should go. I-I’m kind of busy right now.”
Shige sat up straight, his fingers clenched tighter around the phone, and he hung his head, wishing he knew something to say to keep Ryo on the line. But he didn’t, so he replied instead, “O-Okay. S-Sorry.”
“Bye, Shige,” Ryo said and the line disconnected, leaving Shige listening to the dial tone in his ear for a long time afterward.
*
It took him almost another week before Shige finally figured out the best way to get back on amiable terms with Ryo. He couldn’t believe he didn’t think of it sooner, and that morning called Massu up to inform everyone that shooting would start again. Shige then called Ryo’s agency and had spent almost two hours on the phone with them, discussing new projects and expectations, apologizing for the delays and promising to do his best. Then he packed up his things and left for the studio.
Massu and a few other workers had already let themselves in and greeted Shige with bright smiles and warm welcomes, and Shige felt immensely better already. Suddenly, the past few weeks seemed like distant memories, like a horrible movie he’d seen, still lingering in the back of his mind but no longer the central focus. He was doing what he loved again, holding his camera and chatting with his colleagues and friends, and it felt almost like a new start.
And then Ryo walked through the front door, with his confident stance, his strong presence, his dark hair falling over large sunglasses that hid his eyes, and his lips quirking just slightly in the corner. And then everything seemed to fall apart once again.
“Shige!” Massu suddenly exclaimed, claiming the photographer’s attention. “What’re you doing?”
Shige snapped out of his thoughts and realized he’d just dropped an envelope with Ryo’s latest photos all over the floor. Tearing his eyes away from Ryo, he hastily crouched down to collect them all and muttering apologizes under his breath as Massu helped. His heart nearly stopped when a familiar voice suddenly said, “Still incompetent, I see.”
Shige glanced up in time to see Ryo push his sunglasses over his head and smirk at him, that devil-may-care gleam in his eyes that Shige would never admit to having missed. He laughed and replied, “And yet you keep coming back.”
“What can I say?” Ryo answered. “You’re a source of great entertainment, even if your photography sucks.”
Shige rolled his eyes, finishes picking up the dropped photos before standing up straight in front of Ryo. “Well, my photography might be better if I actually had a decent, hardworking model.”
Ryo grinned and Shige returned it, surprised by just how easily they fell back into their roles. Inside, his mind was like a tornado, thinking a hundred things at once, knowing that he could truly be with Ryo if he tried, remembering what Yamapi and Jin had told him, that Ryo actually loved him. Shige’s grin dropped as he looked away quickly, trying not to think about that; it would only distract him, he knew, and he didn’t want to get ahead of himself, didn’t want to get cocky about Ryo loving him without hearing it straight from Ryo first.
Shige set up his camera and turned to find Ryo sliding off his shirt and picking through the rack of clothes for the shoot. Shige stared, eyes trained on the smooth tan skin of his back, the way the muscles moved as he did, and really if there was any doubt left in his mind about his attraction of the older man, it was most definitely gone now. He couldn’t tear his eyes away; it’d been a long time since Shige had seen him like this, since they’d been together in the same room, let alone working together on a shoot. It felt almost like the first time again, just now Shige knew his feelings, and knew he was in over his head. Being this entranced with Ryo from the start would not bode well for the rest of the shoot. He was just glad he decided not to have any shirtless or provocative themes this time around. Shige was positive he wouldn’t be able to handle that.
He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t realize Ryo had turned around and caught him staring until he smirked, that alluring quirk of the lips Shige hated and loved all at once. Shige looked away quickly, busying himself with the first thing he got his hands on, but he saw Ryo walking toward him from the corner of his eye.
“Still unable to resist my charm, huh?” he said in that silk-like voice of his and Shige made the mistake of looking up too soon; his shirt is still unbuttoned, and from the look in his eyes, it’s almost like he did it on purpose, and Shige turned away, swallowed down the thickness in his throat.
“You just keep telling yourself that,” Shige replied, unable to think of anything witty.
Ryo chuckled as he passed by, patting Shige lightly on the head in an affectionate gesture. “I’ve missed you, Shige-kun,” he said softly, making Shige tense with surprise.
And as Shige quickly called out to start the shoot, to do something to get his mind off of Ryo and these persistent feelings, as he stared at Ryo through the view finder of the camera, met his eyes through the glass, he realized just how much he might have missed Ryo, too.
*
“We can’t keep meeting like this, you know,” Shige said, leaning back against the leather seat. “Ryo’s going to find out.”
“He won’t,” Jin reassured, waving a hand in dismissal.
“But doesn’t he come to these clubs a lot, too?” Shige questioned.
Yamapi shook his head as Jin answered, “Only when we drag him out. He’d rather stay at home and play his guitar or something boring like that.”
Shige blinked, a little surprised but then, not surprised at all; Ryo did seem like that kind of person. He smiled to himself softly, wondering if that’s what Ryo was doing right now. He didn’t know Ryo knew how to play the guitar, and now had a burning desire to hear him play, wondered what kind of music he liked.
Yamapi smirked at him knowingly. “You’re thinking about it, now, aren’t you?” he said teasingly. “Just fell in love with him a little more, didn’t you?”
Shige blushed and retorted indignantly, “No! I-I’m not thinking about him.”
Yamapi and Jin just stared at him with identical grinning faces and Shige groaned, muttered, “Just get on with it, will you? Why am I here?”
“Have you told Ryo-chan you and your boyfriend broke up yet?” Yamapi said instantly.
Shige shook his head slowly. “No,” he replied. “But he already knows.”
“That doesn’t matter! He wants to hear it from you, stupid,” Jin said with an exasperated sigh as if he was pained to be dealing with someone like Shige.
Affronted, Shige crossed his arms and said, “Well, I don’t know how to just bring it up. He knows and he’s avoiding the topic. He’s pretty much avoiding doing anything with me other than work. I’ve tried inviting him to coffee or dinner with the crew but he brushes me off.”
“That idiot,” Jin muttered and Yamapi smacked him across the back of the head. While Jin whined and complained, Yamapi turned to Shige and said, “It might take some, but I’m certain he’s glad you’re asking him out at all. Just wait a little. We’ll get him to agree soon.”
Shige sighed. “Even then, I don’t know what to say to him. It feels okay while we’re working together, but the moment we’re alone, it gets…awkward.”
“Don’t worry,” Yamapi said, leaning across the table the pat Shige on the shoulder. “We’ll talk to Ryo-chan. We want this finished with soon, anyway.”
“Yeah, he’s driving us nuts sitting around and sulking all the time,” Jin added and Shige just laughed, hoped that these two could really help push things in the right direction.
*
Ryo was surprised he was here, at Shige’s apartment for the first time in nearly a month; the last time he had been here was the last time he and Shige had talked before their shoots had started up recently. It felt rather strange, but still familiar at the same time. Although the apartment was much emptier than before, it still felt like Shige. Shige, who was currently chopping up vegetables on the counter while Ryo supervised over his shoulder.
It had been Shige’s idea, although the invitation was to go out somewhere else for dinner. Ryo thought he’d been doing a good job of avoiding Shige outside of work lately. It’s not that he didn’t want to spend more time with him, because he did, but he wasn’t sure what to do, knowing what he knew, knowing that Shige more than likely still loved his ex-boyfriend, would never return the feelings Ryo fought desperately to keep locked inside. Except the night before he’d gotten chewed out by Yamapi and Jin, who kept nagging him about Shige as if they knew first hand what was going on. Ryo didn’t normally take their babble at heart but deep down he knew they were right; going on like this was ridiculous. He should either do something about it or give up, but neither of those options was as easy as they sounded.
And now here he was, cooking dinner with Shige because Shige had been persistent even when Ryo had first declined his offer. That was when the Yamapi and Jin-like voices spoke up in the back of his head, at the same time that Shige’s face dropped like he was actually upset Ryo had refused, and Ryo had been the one to suggest staying in for dinner and making it together instead. Thinking back on it, the genuine smile that had crossed Shige’s face then made it all worth it.
Even if right now he wasn’t sure what to do or say, how to act or speak. He didn’t want to bring up Koyama because, for all he knew, he was completely wrong and they hadn’t broken up. And he didn’t want to dig up depressing feelings if they had. Either way Ryo looked at it, it was a bit of a mess. Unless Shige told him himself, Ryo wasn’t going to start something he wasn’t sure how to finish.
But despite his hesitancy, the evening managed to flow smoothly. Shige was a horrible cook, Ryo was quick to find out, which made it easy to tease and rile him up, one of his favorite things, watching the way Shige’s cheeks flushed an indignant pink and his eyes narrowed into a glare. But it felt natural, somehow, the way they moved together around Shige’s small kitchen with laughter and occasional glowers, and Ryo was beginning to have too much fun teasing Shige. Only then Shige would pout, jutting out his lower lip just fetchingly and, fuck, because Ryo couldn’t stop the desire to just lean over to kiss him from rushing through his veins. He clenched his hands into fists tightly and turned away then, focusing on cooking the meat on the stove.
It wasn’t before long that dinner was prepared and Shige was setting the table as Ryo cleaned up the counters.
“For someone who seems to not know his way around the kitchen, you did a pretty good job,” Ryo said, washing his hands before joining Shige at the table.
Shige grinned, looking pleased, and Ryo had just about forgotten how much he liked that smile. “Well, I had a good teacher,” he said and successfully made Ryo glance away with embarrassment.
“Of c-course,” he replied, avoiding Shige’s gaze. “I’m the best.”
Shige shook his head, smiling still. “You’re a top model, a cook, and you can play the guitar. What can’t you do?”
Ryo blinked. “How did you know I played the guitar? I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.”
Shige’s eyes widened and he quickly dropped Ryo’s gaze. Ryo stared expectantly at him, and it took Shige awhile to admit, looking shyly up at Ryo before back down, “I-I may have read about it in a magazine interview or something.”
Ryo smirked. “I thought those kinds of things didn’t interest you.”
“Th-They don’t! Don’t misunderstand, I-I was just at the combini waiting in line and it was there and-stop smirking like that!” Shige exclaimed, flushing. “Shut up and eat.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Ryo continued smirking.
“You’re thinking it.”
Ryo laughed but dropped the matter, reaching for his chopsticks and turning to his dinner as Shige did the same, still looking adorably flustered. He took a bite of his meal and his eyes widened, flavors exploding in his mouth, and said, “This is delicious,” just as Shige did the same.
They stared at one another for a second before bursting into laughter, and dinner progressed easily from there. Ryo wondered why he’d been so apprehensive about the whole thing when now they fall into casual conversations about work and life; Shige asked about Ryo’s guitar playing, wanting to know how long he’d done it and where and how he’d learned, and Ryo was surprised to find that Shige once played himself.
“I have a guitar in the closet,” he said, “but I haven’t used for years. It’s probably completely out of tune.” He paused to chuckle and shook his head. “I don’t think I even remember how to fix it anymore, let alone how to play.”
“I’ll show you sometime,” Ryo offered and Shige looked a little surprised but then broke out into a brilliant grin.
“I’d like that,” he replied and Ryo’s heart skipped a beat.
He looked away quickly and resumed his meal as Shige started talking about plans for the next few shoots and Ryo’s opinions of them. And that was when Ryo remembered.
“There’s a fashion show coming up,” he said, took a sip of his wine. “My modeling agency along with Jin’s, you remember him, right?”
Shige nodded, and Ryo continued, “You should come.” When Shige looked surprised, Ryo said, “Well, you’ve never been to one, right? And it’s different than how I work with you for just shoots. It’s a real show, and well, I thought you might like to.” He paused, gnawed the corner of his lip, and then added, “Oh! Yamapi will be there, too. He’s the special guest star, so he’ll be performing in the middle of the show.” He grinned at Shige and said, “You should come. You can bring your boyfriend, too. He’d be happy to see Pi-”
The rest of his sentence is cut off by the sudden clatter of Shige’s chopsticks against the floor. Ryo’s eyes widened as he realized what he’d just said, what he’d been trying hard not to bring up. Shige sat pale-faced before him, didn’t seem to even register he’d dropped his chopsticks at all. Ryo’s heart sunk instantly to his knees. The silence afterward was unnerving, and it felt like an hour before Shige finally moved, scooting his chair back to pick up his utensils, the feet of the chair screeching against the floor and making Ryo wince.
Trying to salvage the moment, Ryo quickly said, “Well, you don’t have to, of course, but-”
“It’s not that,” Shige cut in, his voice a bit hoarse. He glanced up at Ryo and then back down at his plate. “Uhm. K-Kei. Kei and I…We broke up about a month ago.”
Ryo didn’t know what to say. He’d thought about it, a lot, after he’d figured it out, a month ago, after that day, he’d thought about what to say if and when Shige ever told him. Had a great consoling speech to give him, comforting words and advice, to be there for him because he was sure Shige still loved him - he wouldn’t have had such a reaction just now if he didn’t, Ryo was positive. He had it all planned out, and now he couldn’t remember any of it.
He looked up at Shige, who glanced in his direction at that same moment, eyes unfathomable, which scared Ryo a little bit; he’d always been able to read Shige, he wore his heart on his sleeve, and now he couldn’t tell at all what he was thinking, feeling. “S-Shige,” he began, not sure where he’s going, but hoping Shige would understand.
It seemed he did, because he gave a small smile and said, “I know.” But Ryo saw the sadness that flashed in his eyes just then, saw how he looked away quickly
Ryo wanted to say more, something clever or snarky or completely asinine, just something, but as he continued to wrack his brain, Shige had already stood up and took his plate to the kitchen. Ryo heard the rush of water from the sink, listened to Shige wash the dishes, and hated himself for bringing it up, for the tension he’d just brought down on their pleasant evening. He couldn’t believe he’d been so careless.
He sighed and took his own empty dishes over to Shige, handed them to the younger man as he took the ones Shige had finished washing and dried them off with the dishcloth Shige pointed out to him.
“You’re not going to ask?” Shige said quietly a few moments later, barely audible over the water pouring from the faucet.
Ryo shook his head. “You don’t have to tell me anything, Shige,” he said, even though he was burning to know. “I might be curious, but it’s your life.” He bit his lower lip and then added, “You. A-Are you okay, though?”
Shige turned to him and this time the smile he gave Ryo actually reached his eyes. “I’m all right,” he replied. “I-It’s a little lonely. But I’m all right.”
Ryo’s heart raced; this was not the response he was expecting. He thought Shige would shake his head, would tell him he missed his boyfriend, wanted him back, couldn’t understand why they’d broken up. He thought Shige would tell him he was miserable, that he still loved his boyfriend, that he wanted to get back together. This was the complete opposite of what Ryo had psyched himself up for. He wasn’t sure what to say.
Eventually he nodded, and replied, “I’m glad you’re okay.”
Shige looked at him and his eyes were unreadable once again, too many emotions swimming within them that Ryo couldn’t comprehend all at once. It felt like an eternity passed then between them, Ryo unsure what to say, waiting for Shige to do something, trying to get himself to do something, anything, to pull him close, hold him, tell him it didn’t matter, that he would love him more than Koyama, that he was so glad they’d finally, finally broken up, to just step up to him and kiss him, explanations be damned - they could always talk later. His mind spun with a hundred routes and possibilities but Ryo didn’t want to mess it up, didn’t want to do something that he would regret, that Shige would regret, that would make everything between them worse; they’d only just started talking to each other again, Ryo didn’t want to risk that.
But then Shige suddenly stepped toward him, and Ryo noticed him reaching out for him as he whispered softly, “R-Ryo.”
And any restraint Ryo had cracked right then and there, the sound of his name in that voice all that he could take, and he grabbed the hand Shige was reaching out for him, pulled him close and pressed their mouths together. Shige let out a whimper against his lips, fingers curling into the back of Ryo’s shirt as Ryo guided Shige up against the sink, slid a hand into his short hair and reciprocated with just as much desperation as he felt exuding from Shige.
He wasn’t sure what to think other than it he had waited so long for this; to feel Shige flush against him, to have him return his kiss with equal enthusiasm, to have his hands pulling him closer and closer, to share this moment of complete bliss with the one person he loved more than anything. He didn’t know how he’d managed so long without it, didn’t know how he could’ve fathomed continuing on without it, wondered why he didn’t explain earlier, didn’t tell him sooner.
But none of that mattered now, he told himself, because now Shige was holding him tight, was pushing his hips against him, was moaning into his mouth, pulling away to gasp out with ecstasy, his eyes closed and his cheeks flushed and it made Ryo’s heart soar, looking at him like that. Shige was catching his breath, resting his forehead on Ryo’s shoulder and Ryo couldn’t stop the grin that was spreading across his face. He threaded his fingers into Shige’s hair soothingly for a while and then pulled back.
Shige looked confused. “Wh-What’s wrong?” he questioned.
Ryo shook his head. “Nothing,” he replied. “But I think I should go.”
“What?” Shige exclaimed, horrified. “But-”
Ryo laughed. “You should see your face,” he said and Shige instantly glared, smacking Ryo across the shoulder. He pulled Shige into a hug, kissed his temple, and felt the younger man relax in his hold. “I’m trying to be considerate here,” he said. “I don’t want to rush into anything.” He smiled. “I’ll see you at work. And then this weekend. Sunday. The fashion show.”
“I never said I was going,” Shige mumbled into Ryo’s shoulder.
Ryo laughed again. “You’ll be there,” he said confidently. “My charm is irresistible, remember?”
Shige snorted and pushed Ryo away, rolled his eyes. Ryo headed for the door and Shige followed, watching as he put on his shoes and shrugged into his coat. “Ryo,” Shige said quietly when Ryo grabbed the door handle.
Ryo glanced over his shoulder and said, “I know,” before he left with a grin and a wave goodbye.
*
They didn’t bring it up the next day. At work, they were both professionals, and Shige hated it but was grateful about it at the same time. He was hyper aware of everything Ryo did that day though, his smiles more meaningful, his gazes more powerful, his touches more wonderful, but he never said anything about the kiss and Shige didn’t bring it up either. They worked together like it was any other day, like they had been for months now, almost a year. Shige couldn’t believe it; that it had been almost a year. A year full of so many new experiences and changes, centering around Ryo who had come into his life like a whirlwind, sweeping Shige up for a rollercoaster ride he could barely control.
But as he looked through the viewfinder and snapped shot after shot of Ryo’s smiling face, serious face, sultry face, he realized he didn’t regret it, not entirely. There were things he could have handled better, things he should have realized sooner, said earlier, things he could have avoided or cleared up or faced stronger. Things he shouldn’t have run away from, things that he could have done differently just so it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore.
It was everything with Koyama that he regretted. Deep inside he still felt guilty. He tried not to think about it often, because what could he do about it now? He loved Koyama, yes, but it had changed. He loved him like his best friend, his closest friend; Koyama was everything Shige could have wanted from a first real relationship, and he still cared for him deeply, but it wasn’t the way it had been when they’d first dated, first got together.
He loved Ryo. Ryo, with his snarky comments and holier-than-thou attitude. Ryo, with his big grins and his deep, dark eyes. Ryo, with his haughtiness and his hidden kindness. Ryo, whom Shige found exciting and thrilling in a way he’d never experienced before. He really was like a whirlwind, enveloping Shige so completely he never had a chance to escape in the first place.
The shoot that day went smoothly and they wrapped up before Shige even knew it. Ryo left as Shige cleared up, though he lingered around awhile longer than usual, and brushed his fingers gently along Shige’s arm when he passed by with a soft, “See you tomorrow.” Massu commented on the grin that wouldn’t leave his face after that, and Shige tried not to think about how his skin tingled from where Ryo had touched him.
Shige had some time before he needed to start working on developing photos and decided once the rest of the crew left, to go out with his camera for fun for once. It’d been awhile since he’d taken photos for himself and he locked up the studio and left with nothing but his camera slung around his neck. It was a nice day out, the sun peering through occasionally behind fluffy white clouds against the clear blue sky. The usual busyness of Tokyo continued no matter what; people rushing through the streets, the sounds of engines blaring, and lights flickering on as the day faded slowly into night.
Shige stopped at a small café after two hours of taking photos. He’d gotten some great shots and couldn’t wait to work on them - once he’d finished with Ryo’s, that is. He ordered a drink and a muffin and then found himself a booth by the window. He sipped slowly on his coffee as he stared out the glass, watching the sky darken and the brightness of buildings envelope all of Tokyo. He’s so absorbed with staring outside that he didn’t hear the bells ring above the door as it opened and closed, didn’t realize someone had walked up to him until a very familiar voice, one he hadn’t heard in nearly a month, said softly, “Shige.”
Shige nearly dropped his drink. “K-Kei!” he exclaimed, a little louder than necessary, as he jumped to his feet and just about rammed his knees against the underside of the table.
Koyama laughed, and Shige flushed an embarrassed pink as he sat back down and rubbed his knee. Koyama smiled, said, “Mind if I join you?”
Shige quickly shook his head and Koyama slid into the seat across from him. Shige couldn’t stop staring; it felt like years since he’d last seen him, since they’d last spoken. He’d wanted so many times to call him up, to ask how he was doing, to tell him he missed him, because he did, even if his feelings for the older man were no longer romantic. He missed his best friend, the one person to whom he could tell anything and everything. He wished he’d had the courage to call him, because now he had no idea what to say.
“You look good,” Koyama said, finally. “Are you taking care of yourself properly?”
Shige couldn’t help but smile; even after everything that had happened, Koyama was still Koyama. “Yes,” he said, and added, “Really, when Koyama raised a skeptic eyebrow.
“Just making sure,” Koyama replied. “I know how you shut yourself up after something goes wrong.”
Shige remembered the first few days after Koyama had left. It had been that way, then. But it was better now. “I’m okay,” he said firmly. “H-How about you?”
“I’m great!” Koyama said happily, and he looked it, even if Shige didn’t quite believe his words.
He didn’t know what else to say about it, though, so he just left it, and asked instead, “W-Where have you been staying? At your parent’s?”
Koyama shook his head. “I found a small place closer to the hospital,” he replied, then smiled apologetically. “I kept wanting to tell you.”
“It’s okay,” Shige replied. “I-I’ve been wanting to call you too, I-I just. Never knew what to say.”
Koyama smiled. “We don’t need to make this awkward, Shige,” he said.
“It feels awkward,” Shige muttered around the rim of his cup and Koyama laughed.
“You haven’t changed at all,” Koyama said, looking a little pleased about it. “But at least tell me you’ve managed to change things with you and Nishikido-kun.”
Shige set his drink down, pressed his finger around and around the rim a few times and nodded. “I-I think we’re getting there,” he said. “We haven’t really talked about it, but. I think we’re getting there.”
Koyama’s smile was genuine, but Shige saw the sadness in his eyes. “I’m really glad,” he said. “You’re happy, then?”
“I think I will be,” Shige answered, and then continued after a moment’s pause, “K-Kei, I’m sorry, I-”
“Stop that. I didn’t leave you so you can keep feeling guilty. I left so you could be happy, Shige. That’s all that matters to me, whether we’re together or not.” He grinned brightly, the smile Shige had once fallen for, many years ago. “We’ll always be friends. Best friends.”
Shige sighed, shook his head. “I don’t deserve you.”
“You’re right, you don’t.” Koyama grinned.
Shige laughed, reached across the table to slug him half-heartedly in the shoulder, and Koyama joined his laughter. Shige felt that hollowness in his heart slowly mend, healing as it was filled with warmth and happiness he couldn’t properly describe.
“I’m glad I got to see you today,” Koyama said a while later, and Shige nodded enthusiastically.
“Me, too,” he agreed. “I-I’m glad everything between us, is. Well. You know.”
Koyama chuckled. “You’ve been driving yourself nuts about that, haven’t you?”
Shige groaned. “You have no idea,” he replied and Koyama laughed.
“I’m all right, really,” he said. “Besides, I’ve moved on. I’ve got Tegoshi.”
Shige’s eyes widened and he exclaimed, “Really?”
Koyama burst into laughter again and when he didn’t stop Shige realized he was joking. He rolled his eyes as Koyama calmed down enough to say, “Sorry, sorry. It was just a good opportunity.”
“What did happen with him?” Shige asked. “He’s been taking off lots of days lately, and whenever he’s there he’s all sulky.”
“That’s probably because I rejected him when he told me he actually liked me,” Koyama replied, and he looked amused. “I kind of already knew, and once he told me, I realized how he was the one who’d told me things about you, that ended up with us fighting.”
Shige bit his lip and said quietly, “So you’re not mad?”
“Mad? At you?” Koyama replied, confused, and when Shige nodded, he laughed. “Why would I be, Shige? What happened isn’t something to be angry about, not really. Besides, it’d be worse, if we stayed together, but your heart wasn’t there anymore, don’t you agree?”
Shige sighed. “I still love you, you know, just-”
“Not how you love him,” Koyama finished, and smiled. “I know. Just, don’t make me regret this, okay?”
Shige nodded. “I won’t,” he promised.
*
continue~
Pairing: RyoShige, KoyaShige, Pin
Rating: Overall PG-13, this chapter NC-17
Summary: Photographer Kato Shigeaki’s never had to put up with a model like Nishikido Ryo.
Author’s Note: Surprised to see this? :D I’m sorry for the unbelievably long (almost two years?!) wait for this chapter. THE FINAL CHAPTER, cry. T__T I can’t believe it’s done! I’ve been working on this chapter on and off the past year and half, specifically these past few months and am so pleased that it’s done. I hope you’ll be satisfied with this chapter (all 13704 words of it, omg DX) and the ending, which I really hope won’t disappoint. D: I’m really really nervous about this, actually, uhm. DX A-Anyway, that’s all. Other than: ENJOY! ♥♥♥
Shige locked the door to the backroom in the studio, picked up his bag from the floor and slung it over his shoulder, ready to leave and go home after a long day at work. All he’d done was develop photos and choose which ones he thought should be included for Ryo’s next project, but even then, it was a tiring process, mostly because seeing Ryo’s face hurt him too deeply.
He hadn’t seen Ryo for over a week now. Ryo hadn’t called since the last time they met - the day after Koyama had moved out - and Shige hadn’t called him either. He had made Massu explain to Ryo and the rest of the crew that they were taking a little break and that Shige would call them up when the shooting would recommence. It was cowardly and pathetic, but he wasn’t sure what else to do. After breaking up with Koyama, he was finally free to pursue the feelings he had whenever he was with Ryo, but it scared him at the same time. He didn’t know how to put the right foot forward and take the next step.
He liked Ryo. He really did. He wasn’t sure if he loved him yet, but his feelings were strong and relentless. It was a different love than the one he harbored for Koyama, and if he was honest with himself, he knew he wanted something to come out of it. But it had been a very long time since he’d done anything like this. With Koyama, they had just gradually fallen into a mutual understanding, a simple relationship, without ever having to work at it. But with Ryo, Shige wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t even be certain that Ryo liked him back.
So avoiding Ryo made the best sense to Shige. At least until he could sort out his own feelings and figure out what exactly he needed to do. He couldn’t avoid Ryo forever, of course, the model was persistent, after all, but he could buy himself some time to think and make sure that this was what he really wanted.
Shige took one last glance around the studio to make sure everything was put away and that he hadn’t forgotten anything, before turning towards the door. He stopped straight in his tracks when he found the last two people on earth waving at him from behind the glass.
Ten minutes later, Shige found himself in the VIP section of a club, on the top floor, it seemed, as he could look out onto the dance floor beneath him from the window on his left. Yamapi and Jin sat in the seat across from him with solemn eyes and even somber frowns.
“Erm,” Shige said awkwardly, “what am I doing here?”
“We need to talk,” Yamapi replied simply, leaning forward. “About Ryo-chan.”
Shige blinked. “I…I haven’t spoken to him for a week.”
“We know,” Jin said, leaning forward as well, and Shige suddenly felt like he was being interrogated. “That’s the problem.”
“I-I don’t understand,” Shige said truthfully.
“To put it bluntly, Ryo-chan loves you,” Yamapi explained and Shige nearly felt his heart fall out of his chest.
“W-What?” he exclaimed, eyes wide, unsure whether or not to believe it, yet hoping so much that it was true.
“He loves you,” Yamapi continued. “A lot. But. After your break-up with your boyfriend-”
“Wait, how do you know about that? I haven’t even told Ryo,” Shige demanded, surprised.
“Ryo-chan figured it out,” Jin said. “It’s true, isn’t it?”
Shige nodded slowly, feeling a little awkward about having this conversation with practically two strangers, never mind they were Ryo’s best friends.
“He won’t tell you he loves you,” Jin said. “He thinks he’s being chivalrous or some other crap like that-”
“Because,” Yamapi cut in, throwing Jin a dirty look for not keeping his opinions to himself, “he doesn’t want to pressure you into anything. He saw how you looked after the break up. He doesn’t want to hurt you even more. He feels it’s his fault you and your boyfriend broke up.”
Shige didn’t know what to say, eyes trained on his lap, watching his fingers twist together. His mind spun as it tried to gather up the information he had just been told, questions he had for many days finally being answered. Of course, he’d rather Ryo had told him he loved him himself, but at least now he understood why Ryo hadn’t contacted him in the past week.
Finally, he looked back up and said, “I get what you’re telling me, but I don’t know what you want me to do.”
“Take the first step,” Jin replied instantly. “If you tell him you like him, he’ll tell you too.”
“He really likes you, Shige-kun,” Yamapi added, a smile at his lips. “And I can tell you like him, too.”
Shige glanced from Yamapi to Jin and then back and slowly returns Yamapi’s smile. “Thanks,” he told him, and got to his feet. “I’ll be thinking about it. But now, I should go home.”
Yamapi nodded and Shige grabbed his bag and headed for the exit, leaving through the back door so as not to get caught up in the crowded club. Before he reached his car, however, he could hear Jin calling after him. Shige stopped in the parking lot and waited for Jin to catch up, raising an eyebrow expectantly when he arrived.
“I had to tell you something without Pi hearing it,” Jin said and Shige’s interest is piqued. “Ryo-chan, right now, knows how you must feel. Well, he probably understands more what your ex-boyfriend feels, but he understands. He understands so much that he’s being a fucking coward.”
Shige just blinked at Jin, unsure what the model-slash-singer was trying to say.
Jin seemed to notice Shige’s confused expression as he hastily continued, “You know that he and Pi dated right?” When Shige nodded, he added, “Why do you think they broke up?”
Shige’s eyes widened. “He-”
Jin shook his head. “Ryo-chan didn’t cheat. Pi did. With me.” Jin gave Shige a wry smile, and Shige could see it hurt him to speak about this. “It’s mostly my fault - Pi wouldn’t do anything until he told Ryo-chan the truth, but anyway - he understands.” Jin shook his head again before he continued, “He understands so much he won’t do anything. So if you want to be with him, if you love him at all, go and tell him. It’s the only way.”
When Shige said nothing, Jin added, “Chances are, right now, he’s thinking of how to just forget about you, instead. He doesn’t want to tell you because he thinks you’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend. You have to take the first step.”
“How?” Shige questioned. “We haven’t talked for over a week. He hasn’t called me. I don’t think he wants to see me.”
“He’s a coward,” Jin replied with a laugh, then looked up at the sky thoughtfully. “Why don’t you just call him up? Hang out. Let him know you still like him, even as a friend. And then, pick up your courage to tell him you love him.”
“Why do you care so much that I tell him?”
“He’s my best friend. He’s still my best friend, even after what I did.” Jin sighed in a way that made Shige think he felt that he didn’t deserve Ryo’s friendship. “And right now he loves you so much he’s just going to throw it all away. I don’t want him hurt, okay?”
“I won’t hurt him,” Shige assured Jin honestly.
Jin gave a small smile. “Yeah, I know. Which is why I want to help you. Pi and I both will try to help, but you just have to call him up and hang out, okay?”
Shige nodded. “Okay,” he said, and smiled. “Thanks.”
Jin shook his head. “No,” he said. “Thank you.”
*
Shige stared at the screen of his cell phone, thumb poised over the call button, the name highlighted on the screen almost glaring at him in the otherwise darkness of his room. It was quite late now, but Shige had been sitting there for hours, reaching for his phone, almost making the call, and then wussing out before he could. He should just go to bed, but every time he put his phone away and tried he could never fall asleep. So he pulled his phone back out and scrolled through his contact list, stopping upon a certain name, and then chickening out.
It shouldn’t be so hard. It wasn’t as though he and Ryo had stopped talking on bad terms or anything. They just…stopped. And Ryo didn’t make the effort to call him but neither had Shige in the past two weeks. And after what Jin and Yamapi had told him, Shige understood that he needed to make the first move if he wanted to change it.
Muttering curses under his breath, he rolled over onto his back and accidentally pressed down on the call button. His eyes widened in horror as he heard the line connect and when Ryo’s voice went, “Hello?” in his ear, Shige did the only logical thing he could come up with. He hung up.
He winced, clutching the phone in his hands, knowing it was a bad idea to do that. But he’d panicked - he hadn’t even built up his courage to talk to Ryo yet. He had no idea what he could say.
Unfortunately, five seconds later, his phone rang, startling him out of his moment of self-pity, and he glanced down at the ID, winced again when he saw it was Ryo. He knew if he didn’t answer now, Ryo would call back continuously, so Shige hesitantly answered with a quiet, “Hello?”
“Shige?” Ryo questioned.
“Yes?” Shige responded tentatively.
“Did you just hang up on me?”
“…Maybe.” Shige bit his lower lip and braced himself for Ryo’s inevitable outburst.
However, Ryo just replied, “Oh, okay. So. Why did you call?”
Shige blinked and then heaved a big sigh, sliding onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. “Uhm,” he replied. “I…I don’t really know.”
There was a pause on the other end, then Ryo said, “Then, I should go. I-I’m kind of busy right now.”
Shige sat up straight, his fingers clenched tighter around the phone, and he hung his head, wishing he knew something to say to keep Ryo on the line. But he didn’t, so he replied instead, “O-Okay. S-Sorry.”
“Bye, Shige,” Ryo said and the line disconnected, leaving Shige listening to the dial tone in his ear for a long time afterward.
*
It took him almost another week before Shige finally figured out the best way to get back on amiable terms with Ryo. He couldn’t believe he didn’t think of it sooner, and that morning called Massu up to inform everyone that shooting would start again. Shige then called Ryo’s agency and had spent almost two hours on the phone with them, discussing new projects and expectations, apologizing for the delays and promising to do his best. Then he packed up his things and left for the studio.
Massu and a few other workers had already let themselves in and greeted Shige with bright smiles and warm welcomes, and Shige felt immensely better already. Suddenly, the past few weeks seemed like distant memories, like a horrible movie he’d seen, still lingering in the back of his mind but no longer the central focus. He was doing what he loved again, holding his camera and chatting with his colleagues and friends, and it felt almost like a new start.
And then Ryo walked through the front door, with his confident stance, his strong presence, his dark hair falling over large sunglasses that hid his eyes, and his lips quirking just slightly in the corner. And then everything seemed to fall apart once again.
“Shige!” Massu suddenly exclaimed, claiming the photographer’s attention. “What’re you doing?”
Shige snapped out of his thoughts and realized he’d just dropped an envelope with Ryo’s latest photos all over the floor. Tearing his eyes away from Ryo, he hastily crouched down to collect them all and muttering apologizes under his breath as Massu helped. His heart nearly stopped when a familiar voice suddenly said, “Still incompetent, I see.”
Shige glanced up in time to see Ryo push his sunglasses over his head and smirk at him, that devil-may-care gleam in his eyes that Shige would never admit to having missed. He laughed and replied, “And yet you keep coming back.”
“What can I say?” Ryo answered. “You’re a source of great entertainment, even if your photography sucks.”
Shige rolled his eyes, finishes picking up the dropped photos before standing up straight in front of Ryo. “Well, my photography might be better if I actually had a decent, hardworking model.”
Ryo grinned and Shige returned it, surprised by just how easily they fell back into their roles. Inside, his mind was like a tornado, thinking a hundred things at once, knowing that he could truly be with Ryo if he tried, remembering what Yamapi and Jin had told him, that Ryo actually loved him. Shige’s grin dropped as he looked away quickly, trying not to think about that; it would only distract him, he knew, and he didn’t want to get ahead of himself, didn’t want to get cocky about Ryo loving him without hearing it straight from Ryo first.
Shige set up his camera and turned to find Ryo sliding off his shirt and picking through the rack of clothes for the shoot. Shige stared, eyes trained on the smooth tan skin of his back, the way the muscles moved as he did, and really if there was any doubt left in his mind about his attraction of the older man, it was most definitely gone now. He couldn’t tear his eyes away; it’d been a long time since Shige had seen him like this, since they’d been together in the same room, let alone working together on a shoot. It felt almost like the first time again, just now Shige knew his feelings, and knew he was in over his head. Being this entranced with Ryo from the start would not bode well for the rest of the shoot. He was just glad he decided not to have any shirtless or provocative themes this time around. Shige was positive he wouldn’t be able to handle that.
He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t realize Ryo had turned around and caught him staring until he smirked, that alluring quirk of the lips Shige hated and loved all at once. Shige looked away quickly, busying himself with the first thing he got his hands on, but he saw Ryo walking toward him from the corner of his eye.
“Still unable to resist my charm, huh?” he said in that silk-like voice of his and Shige made the mistake of looking up too soon; his shirt is still unbuttoned, and from the look in his eyes, it’s almost like he did it on purpose, and Shige turned away, swallowed down the thickness in his throat.
“You just keep telling yourself that,” Shige replied, unable to think of anything witty.
Ryo chuckled as he passed by, patting Shige lightly on the head in an affectionate gesture. “I’ve missed you, Shige-kun,” he said softly, making Shige tense with surprise.
And as Shige quickly called out to start the shoot, to do something to get his mind off of Ryo and these persistent feelings, as he stared at Ryo through the view finder of the camera, met his eyes through the glass, he realized just how much he might have missed Ryo, too.
*
“We can’t keep meeting like this, you know,” Shige said, leaning back against the leather seat. “Ryo’s going to find out.”
“He won’t,” Jin reassured, waving a hand in dismissal.
“But doesn’t he come to these clubs a lot, too?” Shige questioned.
Yamapi shook his head as Jin answered, “Only when we drag him out. He’d rather stay at home and play his guitar or something boring like that.”
Shige blinked, a little surprised but then, not surprised at all; Ryo did seem like that kind of person. He smiled to himself softly, wondering if that’s what Ryo was doing right now. He didn’t know Ryo knew how to play the guitar, and now had a burning desire to hear him play, wondered what kind of music he liked.
Yamapi smirked at him knowingly. “You’re thinking about it, now, aren’t you?” he said teasingly. “Just fell in love with him a little more, didn’t you?”
Shige blushed and retorted indignantly, “No! I-I’m not thinking about him.”
Yamapi and Jin just stared at him with identical grinning faces and Shige groaned, muttered, “Just get on with it, will you? Why am I here?”
“Have you told Ryo-chan you and your boyfriend broke up yet?” Yamapi said instantly.
Shige shook his head slowly. “No,” he replied. “But he already knows.”
“That doesn’t matter! He wants to hear it from you, stupid,” Jin said with an exasperated sigh as if he was pained to be dealing with someone like Shige.
Affronted, Shige crossed his arms and said, “Well, I don’t know how to just bring it up. He knows and he’s avoiding the topic. He’s pretty much avoiding doing anything with me other than work. I’ve tried inviting him to coffee or dinner with the crew but he brushes me off.”
“That idiot,” Jin muttered and Yamapi smacked him across the back of the head. While Jin whined and complained, Yamapi turned to Shige and said, “It might take some, but I’m certain he’s glad you’re asking him out at all. Just wait a little. We’ll get him to agree soon.”
Shige sighed. “Even then, I don’t know what to say to him. It feels okay while we’re working together, but the moment we’re alone, it gets…awkward.”
“Don’t worry,” Yamapi said, leaning across the table the pat Shige on the shoulder. “We’ll talk to Ryo-chan. We want this finished with soon, anyway.”
“Yeah, he’s driving us nuts sitting around and sulking all the time,” Jin added and Shige just laughed, hoped that these two could really help push things in the right direction.
*
Ryo was surprised he was here, at Shige’s apartment for the first time in nearly a month; the last time he had been here was the last time he and Shige had talked before their shoots had started up recently. It felt rather strange, but still familiar at the same time. Although the apartment was much emptier than before, it still felt like Shige. Shige, who was currently chopping up vegetables on the counter while Ryo supervised over his shoulder.
It had been Shige’s idea, although the invitation was to go out somewhere else for dinner. Ryo thought he’d been doing a good job of avoiding Shige outside of work lately. It’s not that he didn’t want to spend more time with him, because he did, but he wasn’t sure what to do, knowing what he knew, knowing that Shige more than likely still loved his ex-boyfriend, would never return the feelings Ryo fought desperately to keep locked inside. Except the night before he’d gotten chewed out by Yamapi and Jin, who kept nagging him about Shige as if they knew first hand what was going on. Ryo didn’t normally take their babble at heart but deep down he knew they were right; going on like this was ridiculous. He should either do something about it or give up, but neither of those options was as easy as they sounded.
And now here he was, cooking dinner with Shige because Shige had been persistent even when Ryo had first declined his offer. That was when the Yamapi and Jin-like voices spoke up in the back of his head, at the same time that Shige’s face dropped like he was actually upset Ryo had refused, and Ryo had been the one to suggest staying in for dinner and making it together instead. Thinking back on it, the genuine smile that had crossed Shige’s face then made it all worth it.
Even if right now he wasn’t sure what to do or say, how to act or speak. He didn’t want to bring up Koyama because, for all he knew, he was completely wrong and they hadn’t broken up. And he didn’t want to dig up depressing feelings if they had. Either way Ryo looked at it, it was a bit of a mess. Unless Shige told him himself, Ryo wasn’t going to start something he wasn’t sure how to finish.
But despite his hesitancy, the evening managed to flow smoothly. Shige was a horrible cook, Ryo was quick to find out, which made it easy to tease and rile him up, one of his favorite things, watching the way Shige’s cheeks flushed an indignant pink and his eyes narrowed into a glare. But it felt natural, somehow, the way they moved together around Shige’s small kitchen with laughter and occasional glowers, and Ryo was beginning to have too much fun teasing Shige. Only then Shige would pout, jutting out his lower lip just fetchingly and, fuck, because Ryo couldn’t stop the desire to just lean over to kiss him from rushing through his veins. He clenched his hands into fists tightly and turned away then, focusing on cooking the meat on the stove.
It wasn’t before long that dinner was prepared and Shige was setting the table as Ryo cleaned up the counters.
“For someone who seems to not know his way around the kitchen, you did a pretty good job,” Ryo said, washing his hands before joining Shige at the table.
Shige grinned, looking pleased, and Ryo had just about forgotten how much he liked that smile. “Well, I had a good teacher,” he said and successfully made Ryo glance away with embarrassment.
“Of c-course,” he replied, avoiding Shige’s gaze. “I’m the best.”
Shige shook his head, smiling still. “You’re a top model, a cook, and you can play the guitar. What can’t you do?”
Ryo blinked. “How did you know I played the guitar? I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.”
Shige’s eyes widened and he quickly dropped Ryo’s gaze. Ryo stared expectantly at him, and it took Shige awhile to admit, looking shyly up at Ryo before back down, “I-I may have read about it in a magazine interview or something.”
Ryo smirked. “I thought those kinds of things didn’t interest you.”
“Th-They don’t! Don’t misunderstand, I-I was just at the combini waiting in line and it was there and-stop smirking like that!” Shige exclaimed, flushing. “Shut up and eat.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Ryo continued smirking.
“You’re thinking it.”
Ryo laughed but dropped the matter, reaching for his chopsticks and turning to his dinner as Shige did the same, still looking adorably flustered. He took a bite of his meal and his eyes widened, flavors exploding in his mouth, and said, “This is delicious,” just as Shige did the same.
They stared at one another for a second before bursting into laughter, and dinner progressed easily from there. Ryo wondered why he’d been so apprehensive about the whole thing when now they fall into casual conversations about work and life; Shige asked about Ryo’s guitar playing, wanting to know how long he’d done it and where and how he’d learned, and Ryo was surprised to find that Shige once played himself.
“I have a guitar in the closet,” he said, “but I haven’t used for years. It’s probably completely out of tune.” He paused to chuckle and shook his head. “I don’t think I even remember how to fix it anymore, let alone how to play.”
“I’ll show you sometime,” Ryo offered and Shige looked a little surprised but then broke out into a brilliant grin.
“I’d like that,” he replied and Ryo’s heart skipped a beat.
He looked away quickly and resumed his meal as Shige started talking about plans for the next few shoots and Ryo’s opinions of them. And that was when Ryo remembered.
“There’s a fashion show coming up,” he said, took a sip of his wine. “My modeling agency along with Jin’s, you remember him, right?”
Shige nodded, and Ryo continued, “You should come.” When Shige looked surprised, Ryo said, “Well, you’ve never been to one, right? And it’s different than how I work with you for just shoots. It’s a real show, and well, I thought you might like to.” He paused, gnawed the corner of his lip, and then added, “Oh! Yamapi will be there, too. He’s the special guest star, so he’ll be performing in the middle of the show.” He grinned at Shige and said, “You should come. You can bring your boyfriend, too. He’d be happy to see Pi-”
The rest of his sentence is cut off by the sudden clatter of Shige’s chopsticks against the floor. Ryo’s eyes widened as he realized what he’d just said, what he’d been trying hard not to bring up. Shige sat pale-faced before him, didn’t seem to even register he’d dropped his chopsticks at all. Ryo’s heart sunk instantly to his knees. The silence afterward was unnerving, and it felt like an hour before Shige finally moved, scooting his chair back to pick up his utensils, the feet of the chair screeching against the floor and making Ryo wince.
Trying to salvage the moment, Ryo quickly said, “Well, you don’t have to, of course, but-”
“It’s not that,” Shige cut in, his voice a bit hoarse. He glanced up at Ryo and then back down at his plate. “Uhm. K-Kei. Kei and I…We broke up about a month ago.”
Ryo didn’t know what to say. He’d thought about it, a lot, after he’d figured it out, a month ago, after that day, he’d thought about what to say if and when Shige ever told him. Had a great consoling speech to give him, comforting words and advice, to be there for him because he was sure Shige still loved him - he wouldn’t have had such a reaction just now if he didn’t, Ryo was positive. He had it all planned out, and now he couldn’t remember any of it.
He looked up at Shige, who glanced in his direction at that same moment, eyes unfathomable, which scared Ryo a little bit; he’d always been able to read Shige, he wore his heart on his sleeve, and now he couldn’t tell at all what he was thinking, feeling. “S-Shige,” he began, not sure where he’s going, but hoping Shige would understand.
It seemed he did, because he gave a small smile and said, “I know.” But Ryo saw the sadness that flashed in his eyes just then, saw how he looked away quickly
Ryo wanted to say more, something clever or snarky or completely asinine, just something, but as he continued to wrack his brain, Shige had already stood up and took his plate to the kitchen. Ryo heard the rush of water from the sink, listened to Shige wash the dishes, and hated himself for bringing it up, for the tension he’d just brought down on their pleasant evening. He couldn’t believe he’d been so careless.
He sighed and took his own empty dishes over to Shige, handed them to the younger man as he took the ones Shige had finished washing and dried them off with the dishcloth Shige pointed out to him.
“You’re not going to ask?” Shige said quietly a few moments later, barely audible over the water pouring from the faucet.
Ryo shook his head. “You don’t have to tell me anything, Shige,” he said, even though he was burning to know. “I might be curious, but it’s your life.” He bit his lower lip and then added, “You. A-Are you okay, though?”
Shige turned to him and this time the smile he gave Ryo actually reached his eyes. “I’m all right,” he replied. “I-It’s a little lonely. But I’m all right.”
Ryo’s heart raced; this was not the response he was expecting. He thought Shige would shake his head, would tell him he missed his boyfriend, wanted him back, couldn’t understand why they’d broken up. He thought Shige would tell him he was miserable, that he still loved his boyfriend, that he wanted to get back together. This was the complete opposite of what Ryo had psyched himself up for. He wasn’t sure what to say.
Eventually he nodded, and replied, “I’m glad you’re okay.”
Shige looked at him and his eyes were unreadable once again, too many emotions swimming within them that Ryo couldn’t comprehend all at once. It felt like an eternity passed then between them, Ryo unsure what to say, waiting for Shige to do something, trying to get himself to do something, anything, to pull him close, hold him, tell him it didn’t matter, that he would love him more than Koyama, that he was so glad they’d finally, finally broken up, to just step up to him and kiss him, explanations be damned - they could always talk later. His mind spun with a hundred routes and possibilities but Ryo didn’t want to mess it up, didn’t want to do something that he would regret, that Shige would regret, that would make everything between them worse; they’d only just started talking to each other again, Ryo didn’t want to risk that.
But then Shige suddenly stepped toward him, and Ryo noticed him reaching out for him as he whispered softly, “R-Ryo.”
And any restraint Ryo had cracked right then and there, the sound of his name in that voice all that he could take, and he grabbed the hand Shige was reaching out for him, pulled him close and pressed their mouths together. Shige let out a whimper against his lips, fingers curling into the back of Ryo’s shirt as Ryo guided Shige up against the sink, slid a hand into his short hair and reciprocated with just as much desperation as he felt exuding from Shige.
He wasn’t sure what to think other than it he had waited so long for this; to feel Shige flush against him, to have him return his kiss with equal enthusiasm, to have his hands pulling him closer and closer, to share this moment of complete bliss with the one person he loved more than anything. He didn’t know how he’d managed so long without it, didn’t know how he could’ve fathomed continuing on without it, wondered why he didn’t explain earlier, didn’t tell him sooner.
But none of that mattered now, he told himself, because now Shige was holding him tight, was pushing his hips against him, was moaning into his mouth, pulling away to gasp out with ecstasy, his eyes closed and his cheeks flushed and it made Ryo’s heart soar, looking at him like that. Shige was catching his breath, resting his forehead on Ryo’s shoulder and Ryo couldn’t stop the grin that was spreading across his face. He threaded his fingers into Shige’s hair soothingly for a while and then pulled back.
Shige looked confused. “Wh-What’s wrong?” he questioned.
Ryo shook his head. “Nothing,” he replied. “But I think I should go.”
“What?” Shige exclaimed, horrified. “But-”
Ryo laughed. “You should see your face,” he said and Shige instantly glared, smacking Ryo across the shoulder. He pulled Shige into a hug, kissed his temple, and felt the younger man relax in his hold. “I’m trying to be considerate here,” he said. “I don’t want to rush into anything.” He smiled. “I’ll see you at work. And then this weekend. Sunday. The fashion show.”
“I never said I was going,” Shige mumbled into Ryo’s shoulder.
Ryo laughed again. “You’ll be there,” he said confidently. “My charm is irresistible, remember?”
Shige snorted and pushed Ryo away, rolled his eyes. Ryo headed for the door and Shige followed, watching as he put on his shoes and shrugged into his coat. “Ryo,” Shige said quietly when Ryo grabbed the door handle.
Ryo glanced over his shoulder and said, “I know,” before he left with a grin and a wave goodbye.
*
They didn’t bring it up the next day. At work, they were both professionals, and Shige hated it but was grateful about it at the same time. He was hyper aware of everything Ryo did that day though, his smiles more meaningful, his gazes more powerful, his touches more wonderful, but he never said anything about the kiss and Shige didn’t bring it up either. They worked together like it was any other day, like they had been for months now, almost a year. Shige couldn’t believe it; that it had been almost a year. A year full of so many new experiences and changes, centering around Ryo who had come into his life like a whirlwind, sweeping Shige up for a rollercoaster ride he could barely control.
But as he looked through the viewfinder and snapped shot after shot of Ryo’s smiling face, serious face, sultry face, he realized he didn’t regret it, not entirely. There were things he could have handled better, things he should have realized sooner, said earlier, things he could have avoided or cleared up or faced stronger. Things he shouldn’t have run away from, things that he could have done differently just so it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore.
It was everything with Koyama that he regretted. Deep inside he still felt guilty. He tried not to think about it often, because what could he do about it now? He loved Koyama, yes, but it had changed. He loved him like his best friend, his closest friend; Koyama was everything Shige could have wanted from a first real relationship, and he still cared for him deeply, but it wasn’t the way it had been when they’d first dated, first got together.
He loved Ryo. Ryo, with his snarky comments and holier-than-thou attitude. Ryo, with his big grins and his deep, dark eyes. Ryo, with his haughtiness and his hidden kindness. Ryo, whom Shige found exciting and thrilling in a way he’d never experienced before. He really was like a whirlwind, enveloping Shige so completely he never had a chance to escape in the first place.
The shoot that day went smoothly and they wrapped up before Shige even knew it. Ryo left as Shige cleared up, though he lingered around awhile longer than usual, and brushed his fingers gently along Shige’s arm when he passed by with a soft, “See you tomorrow.” Massu commented on the grin that wouldn’t leave his face after that, and Shige tried not to think about how his skin tingled from where Ryo had touched him.
Shige had some time before he needed to start working on developing photos and decided once the rest of the crew left, to go out with his camera for fun for once. It’d been awhile since he’d taken photos for himself and he locked up the studio and left with nothing but his camera slung around his neck. It was a nice day out, the sun peering through occasionally behind fluffy white clouds against the clear blue sky. The usual busyness of Tokyo continued no matter what; people rushing through the streets, the sounds of engines blaring, and lights flickering on as the day faded slowly into night.
Shige stopped at a small café after two hours of taking photos. He’d gotten some great shots and couldn’t wait to work on them - once he’d finished with Ryo’s, that is. He ordered a drink and a muffin and then found himself a booth by the window. He sipped slowly on his coffee as he stared out the glass, watching the sky darken and the brightness of buildings envelope all of Tokyo. He’s so absorbed with staring outside that he didn’t hear the bells ring above the door as it opened and closed, didn’t realize someone had walked up to him until a very familiar voice, one he hadn’t heard in nearly a month, said softly, “Shige.”
Shige nearly dropped his drink. “K-Kei!” he exclaimed, a little louder than necessary, as he jumped to his feet and just about rammed his knees against the underside of the table.
Koyama laughed, and Shige flushed an embarrassed pink as he sat back down and rubbed his knee. Koyama smiled, said, “Mind if I join you?”
Shige quickly shook his head and Koyama slid into the seat across from him. Shige couldn’t stop staring; it felt like years since he’d last seen him, since they’d last spoken. He’d wanted so many times to call him up, to ask how he was doing, to tell him he missed him, because he did, even if his feelings for the older man were no longer romantic. He missed his best friend, the one person to whom he could tell anything and everything. He wished he’d had the courage to call him, because now he had no idea what to say.
“You look good,” Koyama said, finally. “Are you taking care of yourself properly?”
Shige couldn’t help but smile; even after everything that had happened, Koyama was still Koyama. “Yes,” he said, and added, “Really, when Koyama raised a skeptic eyebrow.
“Just making sure,” Koyama replied. “I know how you shut yourself up after something goes wrong.”
Shige remembered the first few days after Koyama had left. It had been that way, then. But it was better now. “I’m okay,” he said firmly. “H-How about you?”
“I’m great!” Koyama said happily, and he looked it, even if Shige didn’t quite believe his words.
He didn’t know what else to say about it, though, so he just left it, and asked instead, “W-Where have you been staying? At your parent’s?”
Koyama shook his head. “I found a small place closer to the hospital,” he replied, then smiled apologetically. “I kept wanting to tell you.”
“It’s okay,” Shige replied. “I-I’ve been wanting to call you too, I-I just. Never knew what to say.”
Koyama smiled. “We don’t need to make this awkward, Shige,” he said.
“It feels awkward,” Shige muttered around the rim of his cup and Koyama laughed.
“You haven’t changed at all,” Koyama said, looking a little pleased about it. “But at least tell me you’ve managed to change things with you and Nishikido-kun.”
Shige set his drink down, pressed his finger around and around the rim a few times and nodded. “I-I think we’re getting there,” he said. “We haven’t really talked about it, but. I think we’re getting there.”
Koyama’s smile was genuine, but Shige saw the sadness in his eyes. “I’m really glad,” he said. “You’re happy, then?”
“I think I will be,” Shige answered, and then continued after a moment’s pause, “K-Kei, I’m sorry, I-”
“Stop that. I didn’t leave you so you can keep feeling guilty. I left so you could be happy, Shige. That’s all that matters to me, whether we’re together or not.” He grinned brightly, the smile Shige had once fallen for, many years ago. “We’ll always be friends. Best friends.”
Shige sighed, shook his head. “I don’t deserve you.”
“You’re right, you don’t.” Koyama grinned.
Shige laughed, reached across the table to slug him half-heartedly in the shoulder, and Koyama joined his laughter. Shige felt that hollowness in his heart slowly mend, healing as it was filled with warmth and happiness he couldn’t properly describe.
“I’m glad I got to see you today,” Koyama said a while later, and Shige nodded enthusiastically.
“Me, too,” he agreed. “I-I’m glad everything between us, is. Well. You know.”
Koyama chuckled. “You’ve been driving yourself nuts about that, haven’t you?”
Shige groaned. “You have no idea,” he replied and Koyama laughed.
“I’m all right, really,” he said. “Besides, I’ve moved on. I’ve got Tegoshi.”
Shige’s eyes widened and he exclaimed, “Really?”
Koyama burst into laughter again and when he didn’t stop Shige realized he was joking. He rolled his eyes as Koyama calmed down enough to say, “Sorry, sorry. It was just a good opportunity.”
“What did happen with him?” Shige asked. “He’s been taking off lots of days lately, and whenever he’s there he’s all sulky.”
“That’s probably because I rejected him when he told me he actually liked me,” Koyama replied, and he looked amused. “I kind of already knew, and once he told me, I realized how he was the one who’d told me things about you, that ended up with us fighting.”
Shige bit his lip and said quietly, “So you’re not mad?”
“Mad? At you?” Koyama replied, confused, and when Shige nodded, he laughed. “Why would I be, Shige? What happened isn’t something to be angry about, not really. Besides, it’d be worse, if we stayed together, but your heart wasn’t there anymore, don’t you agree?”
Shige sighed. “I still love you, you know, just-”
“Not how you love him,” Koyama finished, and smiled. “I know. Just, don’t make me regret this, okay?”
Shige nodded. “I won’t,” he promised.
*
continue~