fic; love me for love's sake part 1
THIS IS SO LONG IT HAS TO BE TWO POSTS. D:
Title: Love me for love’s sake
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: NC-17 (this part is completely PG-13 though)
Summary: Shige and Ryo are next door neighbors from childhood, but when Shige moves to Tokyo for college, he realizes he left more than just his home behind.
Author’s Note: AU (completely non-JE). So a few months ago I had this idea to do something like a “4 verses where RyoShige get together, plus 1 where they don’t,” the theme stolen with love from some fics written for je_holiday that had this 4-verses concept. I just wanted to write AU!RyoShige, and for the past four months have been trying to get through these, and now finally one is finished. Originally I was going to post them all at once, but it took four months to write this one, so idk how long it’ll take for the rest, so we’ll just go one by one. I might not even go through with the 4 verses thing anyway, so this is probably better.
This is my longest ever oneshot at 13,521 words. Idefk. Title from the poem Sonnets from Portugese - 14 by Elizabeth Browning.
Thanks and love and ;alsnkdg;alsd to indian_monsoon for the beta, for all of your help in coming up with ideas and for your constant encouragement. Ilu, dear. ♥
Even though I spammed you this monstrosity on chat for like forever, this is for rolling_scone for a;ls;alskdng;alsd just everything. I don’t think I would have ever finished this if it wasn’t for her. I love you so much, bb. ♥♥♥♥♥
They move into the house when Shige’s five. It’s a small house in an even smaller neighborhood in the large city of Osaka. Shige sits on the front steps, watching as the movers help his father with the boxes and furniture. He kicks his feet and feels self-conscious, the neighborhood kids coming out to stare, riding their bikes around in circles, pointing and whispering.
His mom comes out and sits with him, tells him to go say hi to the other kids. Shige only shakes his head and kicks his feet some more, and then hides behind his mother when the next door neighbors come by to welcome them to the neighborhood. There’s a boy with them, bigger than Shige, though not by much, and he glares at Shige from his father’s side.
Their parents go inside and Shige’s mother forces him to stay with the boy. Shige bites his lip nervously and says, “Hi?”
“What’s your name?” the boy asks immediately, his voice loud and authoritative for someone so small.
Shige jumps a little. “S-Shige,” he mumbles.
“That’s a dorky name,” the boy says, but before Shige can say that it’s not, he continues, “I’m Ryo.”
And so it starts. Ryo, to put it quite frankly, is a bit of a bully. At least, to Shige. He pushes Shige into the dirt, steals his toys and calls him names. And yet, he walks back with Shige from school, listens to Shige talk about the interesting things he learned in class, and helps him glue macaroni noodles into a heart for mother’s day.
Shige quickly learns that Ryo’s the kind of person he hates, yet wants his approval at the same time. They aren’t friends, not really. Just neighbors. They rarely play with each other as they grow older; Ryo is three years his senior and already had his own friends, and Shige makes his own friends from school. They talk to each other on the way from school, pull pranks on each other almost every week, and yell at each other for being too loud through their facing windows. But they aren’t really friends.
It’s not until Shige’s in high school that things change. Ryo doesn’t go to high school, instead works at his family restaurant with his dad and one of his brothers. Ryo has always liked to cook, Shige knew it well as he was often the target for his many “taste tests.” Ryo would bribe him with fifty yen promises if Shige’d try, and naively, he would. They were never any good, and Shige was seven and was taught not to lie. He never got any fifty yen, though he supposes he never should have expected to.
Shige’s parents both work late and as an only child, Shige hates staying on his own at home. Instead, he spends the evenings on the stool at the end of the counter at the Nishikido restaurant with glasses perched on his nose and five books in front of him and Ryo poking fun at him every chance he got. His parents don’t mind, saying Shige is like another son to them and making Ryo look out for him which Ryo constantly grumbles about but does all the same.
“You owe me,” Ryo tells him one day. “I shouldn’t have to look out for you.”
“I don’t owe you anything,” Shige replies, peering at Ryo from over the top of a book. “Besides, if it really bothered you, you’d complain more, and bribe me to stay at home instead of coming here. But you don’t. So you really don’t mind.”
Ryo looks aghast at the very thought and with a shudder turns away to work. Shige just laughs after him, feels a little warm inside.
When Ryo leaves, Shige makes him take him with, gets a ride back home even though Ryo makes fun of him the whole way. Shige hesitates when leaving the car, not really wanting to go back inside when the lights are still off and there are no cars in the driveway; his parents aren’t home yet and Shige, even at eighteen, still hates being alone.
Ryo notices though, mentions it, says teasingly, “Afraid to be on your own? You are so lame.”
Shige can’t even manage a glare, instead mumbles his thanks for the ride and quietly gets out of the car, crossing the lawn to his house next door. The first thing he does is flick on all the lights, and immediately afterwards there’s knocking on the door that has him jumping.
It’s only Ryo, who looks annoyed and slightly embarrassed, shoving his way inside and saying, “You better have something fun to do or else I’m leaving.”
And when Shige only stares at him, bewildered, Ryo rolls his eyes and adds, “If I’m here you won’t be alone, right? Maybe it’s not a lot but-”
“No, no, it-it’s fine,” Shige interjects quickly. “T-Thanks, Ryo.”
“Whatever,” Ryo says offhandedly, but he grins as he leads the way into the kitchen.
*
Ryo places a bowl of ramen on top of one of Shige’s books, looking slightly horrified by his own action. “You should eat too, genius. No good working on an empty stomach.”
Shige laughs, eyes bright as he puts his highlighter down and pulls the ramen close. “Thanks, Ryo.”
Ryo just looks more embarrassed, hides the smile that’s tugging at his lips with a hand, and yells at his friends whooping at him from the other side of the restaurant. He gives Shige a slightly confused look, as if still not believing what he’d done, and heads off to smack his friends over the head, declaring if they didn’t shut up they wouldn’t get a discount. Shige only grins as he watches Ryo work, silently eating the ramen that tastes better than any other kind he’s had before. He’s not quite sure what it is, this warm feeling in the pit of his belly that night, as he pays more attention to Ryo than to his homework. It’s a little weird, mostly frightening, yet he can’t deny that it’s a good feeling. Whatever it was.
And that night as Ryo drives them back home, he feels it again, takes more notice in everything Ryo does, the way he speaks and laughs. Even his teasing doesn’t bother Shige so much, suddenly he’s able to realize he’s not really being mean. He laughs to himself, can’t believe he never noticed that before.
“What’re you laughing about?” Ryo demands.
“Just remembering how you couldn’t cook at all before. I see you’ve learned a lot,” Shige replies easily.
“I’ve always known how to cook well. You’ve just never appreciated good taste.”
“Ryo, you fed me mud.”
Ryo grins. “Which proves what I’ve been telling you for years. You’re an idiot.”
“I was seven.”
“Don’t try to deny it Shige.”
“I hate you.”
“I know.”
*
Shige gets into his university of choice later that year, a school out in Tokyo. His parents suggest he get an apartment there, easier than commuting every day, and although Shige doesn’t want to live alone, he knows it’s true and spends a month searching for a small affordable place. He takes a weekend and moves a month before the new school year, his mother fusses over him, making sure he has everything, and his father pats him on the back, tells him to make me proud, son. Shige nods, promises he will, and when they leave, he feels more alone than he ever has in his life.
The apartment is cramped yet feels too spacious to accommodate just himself. And it just feels weird, being somewhere else that isn’t his house in the streets of Osaka, that isn’t next door to a neighbor that yelled through the open window. In Tokyo, fumes of gas lingers in the air and the lights outside never seem to fade away. It is loud and busy and full of people and Shige spends a month wondering why he chose to come here.
If anything, at least he doesn’t have to deal with Ryo’s constant forms of torture.
Or, that’s what he tells himself at first. That he’s glad to be out of Ryo’s range of ridicule, yet as the days goes on, Shige misses home more and more. Even though he makes good friends once school starts, he can’t shake the feeling that something’s off.
His closest friend is the first to call him on it. “You’re homesick, aren’t you?” Koyama says one evening while they’re studying together in Shige’s apartment.
Shige shakes his head. Because he knows he’s not homesick. Homesick would require him to miss his parents a lot more, to miss his bedroom and house. But he doesn’t, not really. Sure, he misses his parents, but he talks to them on the phone almost everyday, so he doesn’t feel distanced from them. “I don’t know what I am,” he replies honestly.
“Well, it’s almost vacation, so maybe you’ll figure it out when you go home?” Koyama says, ever the optimist.
Shige smiles. “I hope so,” he says, and really really does.
*
After finals, Shige goes back home for the holidays. His mother immediately fusses over how thin he is and makes an extra large dinner for just the three of them, making sure Shige has seconds and thirds and fourths of everything. He heads up to his room afterwards, flicks the light on and slumps down onto the bed, feeling bits of nostalgia at being back home after a few months. He’s almost falling asleep when he hears something hit the window repeatedly. Already smiling, he hops off the bed and opens the window, finds Ryo across the lawn, peering out from his window.
“Hey, stranger,” Ryo greets, looking both surprised and pleased to see him.
And it’s in this one moment that Shige figures it out; what was so obvious he hadn’t realized it before. The thing - the person - he’d been missing so much all this time was Ryo.
A little stunned by his revelation, he takes a moment to respond, stammering out an “H-Hey, Ryo.”
“How long are you here for?”
“A few weeks,” Shige replies.
“Okay,” Ryo says, glancing away for a moment, looking confused. “I’ll talk to you later then?”
Shige nods slowly, not really wanting to end the conversation yet not sure what else to say. “Sure,” he replies and Ryo flashes him a bright smile before shutting the window and disappearing inside.
Shige closes his own, feels something strange in the pit of his stomach. He goes to bed soon after that, but can’t quite fall sleep, thinks about Ryo, about how much he missed him, how good it was to see him again, unchanged yet suddenly much more attractive than ever before. He realizes it while lying in bed that night, not sleeping and anxious as it all falls into place.
Somehow, without his noticing, he had fallen in love with Ryo.
“Oh, fuck,” he curses, mortified, and it’s not until the sun is peeking through the window does he finally fall asleep.
*
He avoids Ryo as much as he can for the duration of his vacation. If Ryo throws things at his window, Shige pretends not to hear, and he stays inside and doesn’t risk leaving home in case Ryo should see him. It’s pathetic and cowardly but he doesn’t know what else to do. Ryo, his neighbor for as long as he could remember, his childhood bully, and maybe in a vague sense of the term, one of his closest friends, of all the people, how could it be him?
“How could it not?” Koyama says over the phone a few days later, once Shige spills his whole dilemma. “You’ve known him for ages, isn’t kind of like, duh, of course you love him?”
Shige groans. “That’s not helping, Koyama,” he says. “Besides, there’s no way he likes me. So I should try and forget about it.”
“Well, I don’t think you should give up before you even try.”
“You would think that.” Shige sighs. “But I’m not nearly as hopeful as you.”
“Shige,” Koyama says, “he’s known you just as long as you’ve known him. If he hated you he wouldn’t be knocking on your window.”
“Yeah, but like and love are worlds apart.”
“Give him a chance. You could be surprised.”
“Or let down,” Shige mumbles to himself as he hangs up.
*
On Christmas, Shige’s family and Ryo’s family get together for dinner as they have almost every year. Shige knows he can’t dodge Ryo here, but Ryo doesn’t show up. Shige doesn’t want to ask about it, but the curiosity kills him and he can’t help but wonder all evening where Ryo could be. He’d never before missed one of their Christmas dinners.
“He’s with his girlfriend tonight,” Shige hears Ryo’s mother tell his own, sounding very excited. “They’ve been together for a few months now, so cute together.”
“Aw, how lovely,” Shige’s mother says and Shige feels a knot twisting painfully into his stomach.
The rest of the evening is a boring blur; without Ryo, Shige had no one really to talk with, as it’s just their parents and one of Ryo’s elder brothers who Shige had only ever exchanged a few words with before. Right after dinner, Shige sneaks out through the back, unable to take anymore in a room full of adults with nothing to do. He sighs once outside, heading around the corner back to his house, only to stop in his tracks when he finds Ryo leaning against the side of the house, a cigarette at his lips.
Ryo grins when he sees him. “Hey.”
Shige says, “I thought you were on a date.”
Ryo takes a drag of his cigarette, then replies, “I broke up with her.”
“On Christmas?” Shige says, leans against the house next to Ryo. “That’s kind of harsh, even for you.”
Ryo shrugs. “Had to be done.”
“Why?” Shige asks before he can stop himself.
Ryo just shrugs again and Shige gets the point, doesn’t ask anymore. Instead, he just stands beside him, his heart beating rapidly, wanting to say something, anything, but not knowing where to start.
Ryo lets out a puff of smoke then drops the cigarette to the ground, crushes it under his heel. “So, where were you sneaking off to?”
Shige shakes his head. “Just going back home. It wasn’t any fun just sitting there.”
“Of course, I wasn’t there.”
“Exactly,” Shige says without thinking, then slams a hand over his mouth in horror a moment later.
Ryo just laughs. “Sorry for ditching.”
Shige shrugs. “You had stuff to do.”
Ryo catches his gaze, stares at him a moment longer than is considered normal and Shige’s heart skips a beat. “You’re more important than her,” he says and Shige’s eyes go wide and he says the first thing that comes to mind.
“Are you drunk?”
Ryo blinks. Then laughs, finally looking away. Shige doesn’t notice the flicker of disappointment in his eyes. “Yeah, maybe a little.”
Shige laughs, pushes himself off the house and says, “Well, I’m going inside. It’s cold.” He gives Ryo a slightly pointed look, hoping he’ll understand and join him without Shige actually having to ask. Instead, Ryo stares at him just like moments before, a slightly lost, confused look in his eyes that has Shige a little worried.
“Ryo?” he says carefully, takes a step towards him, but then his eyes widen as Ryo suddenly closes what little space is left between them by pressing their mouths together.
It’s a short kiss, surprisingly soft and gentle and even though Ryo tastes like a mixture of alcohol and cigarette smoke, Shige melts into it. His skin feels like it’s on fire and his heart is lodged in his throat, and he breaks the kiss when he realizes just how important breathing is, pulling back and staring at Ryo with wide eyes as he catches his breath.
Just as he starts to wonder what to do next-should he confess? kiss him again?-Ryo steps back a few feet, right into the side of the house. He looks even more surprised than Shige feels, and before Shige gets a chance to say anything, Ryo mumbles a quick apology and then rushes into his house.
Shige stands there for what feels like over an hour, feet rooted to the spot, chest tight around his heart as the hope he’d felt when Ryo kissed him immediately burned to the ground the instant he apologized.
“Why kiss me if you’re going to regret it?” Shige mutters to himself as he finally heads inside.
*
Shige spends the rest of his vacation avoiding Ryo. It proves to be quite easy as it seems Ryo’s doing the exact same thing, never once trying to talk to Shige about the kiss and always avoiding his gaze when they happen to see each other. Shige doesn’t know what to feel about it; both glad Ryo’s not bringing it up, but at the same time, completely devastated because he does love Ryo and the kiss only confirmed it.
He returns to Tokyo, to the small, quiet confines of his apartment, without saying a word to Ryo. Once classes start up again, he falls quickly back into his daily routines. He meets with Koyama a lot, and Koyama’s fun and silly and helps him forget for a few hours a day all about Ryo and the kiss and everything about it. Koyama’s positivity is contagious and eventually Shige stops thinking about Ryo as the days go on.
It all comes back, however, a few weeks later when Ryo calls him.
“How’d you get my number?” Shige asks instantly, confused.
“From your mom,” Ryo replies. “She was oh so surprised that I didn’t already have it. So was I. How could you not tell me, Shige?”
Shige rolls his eyes. “What do you need, Ryo?”
“Your address. I’m coming down to Tokyo tomorrow for a few job interviews and your mother told me to stay with you instead of getting a hotel. I figured I’d be nice and actually let you know instead of just showing up.”
“W-Wait, what?”
Ryo sighs. “God, you’re so slow. I’m coming to Tokyo-”
“No, I got that part. But seriously? I don’t want you here!” Shige exclaims, panicking. Thoughts of the kiss from over break flood his mind.
“Thanks, Shige. I really feel the love.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, I-”
“Then it’s okay, right?” Ryo cuts him off. “I’ll be there tomorrow around noon. Now give me your address.”
Shige stares at the wall, wanting desperately to hang up because no, he can’t see Ryo, not when he is starting to forget, and no, how will he cope with Ryo actually staying with him for a few days, and no, he just can’t, can’t can’t-
“Shige?” Ryo says and Shige sighs, knowing he can’t refuse and replies, “Okay, okay,” and gives Ryo his address.
*
“Why’re you so frantic? He’s just staying two days for his interviews,” Koyama says.
Shige sighs. “I know,” he says, eyes on the screen as they play a video game in Shige’s apartment.
“It might be a good thing,” Koyama says. “Maybe you’ll actually get to confess.”
Shige flails a little and shakes his head profusely. “No way. He’s never going to know about that. He definitely doesn’t feel the same.”
“But he kissed you.”
“And then apologized,” Shige adds. “It’s a lose-lose situation.” He sighs as his character dies, throwing his controller onto the floor and flopping onto his back, arms spread out at his sides just as there’s a knock on the door. He groans. “Can I pretend I’m not here?”
“No,” Koyama says, smiling. Another knock, a little louder. “Want me to answer it?” Koyama offers.
Shige nods. “It’ll probably freak him out a bit. Do it.”
Koyama laughs and heads for the door as the knocks increase. There’s a moment of silence, followed by Ryo’s unmistakable snarky voice, and Shige smiles as he gets up and walks over before Ryo does something stupid like yelling at Koyama.
“Hey, Ryo,” Shige greets, coming up behind Koyama, standing close, just to freak Ryo a bit more.
Ryo blinks, eyes darting back and forth from Shige to Koyama and then back. “Hi,” he says carefully.
“Come on in,” Shige says, stepping back, guiding Koyama inside. “Did you find the place okay?”
Ryo nods, eyes closely watching Koyama, how he leans in against Shige, smiling and whispering into his ear. “Who’s your friend?” Ryo asks without thinking.
“Oh, right,” Shige says. “My best friend, Koyama. Koyama, this is my neighbor from home, Ryo.”
Koyama gives Ryo a small smile. “It’s nice meeting you.”
Ryo forces a smile in return, his mind still stuck on best friend, and replies, “Same.”
“I should go, Shige,” Koyama says. “Are we still meeting up tomorrow for lunch?”
“Of course. I’ll call you later.”
Koyama grabs his things from the sitting room and with a wave heads out, the door falling shut behind him. The instant he’s gone, Ryo says, “Who was he?”
“I told you. My best friend from school.” Shige leads the way inside, turning off the game console and clearing up the mess.
“You seemed very cosy for just friends.”
“So maybe we’re more,” Shige says without thinking. “What’s it to you?”
Ryo stares at him for a long moment, then says, “Nothing, nevermind.”
Shige tilts his head, blinking at him, not unable to help the feeling that Ryo was lying. He shrugs and puts it out of his mind for now, says instead, “You get the couch. There’s stuff in the fridge so you get to cook. I think that’s a good repayment for letting you stay here.”
“You just want to eat my food.”
Shige grins. “Yes, is that a problem?”
Ryo matches his grin. “Not at all,” he says. “I miss making you weird things to eat.”
Shige makes a face. “If you so much as try that now you can go sleep on the streets.”
“Understood,” Ryo says, plopping down onto the couch and stretching. He glances around room, then says, “Your apartment sucks.”
Shige laughs in agreement, but thinks that with Ryo sitting there, smiling at him, it’s not so bad anymore.
*
Shige wakes to the smell of coffee and toast the next morning. He pulls himself out of bed and heads out towards the kitchen, passing the empty living room to find Ryo making breakfast behind the counter, in nothing but a pair of colorful boxers.
“Morning,” Ryo greets him, grinning, and Shige forces himself to stare at the floor and not him. “You don’t mind, do you?” he asks, gesturing to where he’s cooking.
Shige shakes his head as he sits down at the table and says, “It’s fine. That was the agreement, right?”
Ryo smiles sunlight, nods, and goes back to finish cooking. Breakfast is a little awkward, not much to say, not sure what to say, so Shige quietly chews his food and keeps an eye on the clock. When he realizes he’s going to be late for his first class, he mutters a rushed thanks to Ryo before disappearing into the bedroom to dress. He hands Ryo a spare key and tells him to lock up when he leaves for his interview and heads out without another word. On the way to school, Shige thinks he might have been a little rude, but then again, it’s Ryo-he doesn’t need to be babysat.
“So, has anything happened yet?” Koyama asks Shige at lunch.
“No. What’re you talking about?”
Koyama looks disappointed. “Lame.”
Shige glares. “I am not your personal drama series,” he says, unimpressed.
“I just want Shige to be happy,” Koyama insists with innocent eyes and Shige hums in disbelief. “Well, you have all today and tomorrow,” Koyama continues. “That’s plenty of time.”
“You need a hobby or something,” Shige mutters and Koyama only grins.
Ryo’s not home when Shige returns, which he’s actually thankful about. His earlier talk with Koyama had brought back thoughts about the kiss form a few weeks before, and it does nothing to help how he’s been desperately trying to forget. His mood sours considerably, Shige shuts himself up in his room and focuses on homework, not bothering to move even when he hears Ryo return. Not that it matters anyway, as a few minutes later, the door opens and Ryo walks in like he owns the place, flopping onto the bed.
“Yo,” he says.
Shige, despite his earlier mood, can’t help but smile. “How was your interview?” he asks, spinning around on his chair to look at Ryo who’s laying on his back upon the mattress, head pillowed in his hands.
A smug grin crosses his face. “Aced it,” he says. “Totally getting the job. They loved me.”
“Your ego is astounding.” Shige rolls his eyes.
“Not my fault I’m perfect.”
Shige snorts. “Whatever you say.”
Ryo leans up on his elbows and graces Shige with a glare, who only stares back at him with a grin that slowly fades the longer Ryo keeps staring, gaze unwavering though changing from a glare to something much softer. Shige quickly looks away, coughs behind his hand and forces down the sudden increase in his heartbeat.
“I win,” Ryo announces suddenly and Shige looks back carefully. “You looked away,” Ryo elaborates, seeing Shige’s expression.
“I didn’t realize we were having a contest.”
“Doesn’t matter, I’d win even if you were aware.”
Shige shakes his head and turns back to his homework. “I’m not going to fuel your oversized head.”
Ryo makes a kind of scandalized noise but drops the matter. “What’re you doing?”
“Homework,” Shige replies.
“God, you’re still so boring,” Ryo marvels, and when Shige just ignores him, adds, “What’re you doing tomorrow around five?”
“Nothing, why?” Shige glances at him suspiciously.
“Because you’re a shitty host, I was thinking you should take me out to eat before I leave,” Ryo declares, jumping up to his feet and giving Shige a pointed look.
“Wow, Ryo, if you wanted to ask me out, that was not the way to do it.” Shige grins.
Ryo splutters and Shige’s surprised to see the tips of his ears turn an embarrassed red. “A-As if I’d want to go out with you!” he exclaims, and then, looking quite flustered, stomps out the door, leaving a bewildered Shige behind.
*
Shige considers faking ill or something to get out of not going to eat with Ryo that night. Koyama gives him unhelpful advice about good moments to confess, what certain gestures, looks, words really mean, and how to dress properly in case things get heated after the meal. Shige only blushes and groans and tries unsuccessfully to smother himself with a pillow. He even begs Koyama to go with them, but Koyama won’t give in no matter what and Shige sorrowfully resigns himself to an awkward Ryo-filled night.
It’s not as thought he doesn’t want to go, it’s just that being alone with Ryo, especially after recent events, made it so much harder not to try and confess. Ryo obviously doesn’t feel the same way, or else he wouldn’t have apologized. And Shige just wans to be able to forget, to go back to how things were before.
Ryo has his interview right up until five so they plan to meet at a small yakiniku restaurant close by. Shige leaves at the last possible moment, grumbling as he gets on the train. He arrives before Ryo and gets them a table, orders beers and their meal, and fidgets impatiently, trying to pluck up enough courage to run for it.
But Ryo makes it in before he can, looking quite out of place in his dark suit, a little flushed and windblown as if he’d run all the way over.
“Sorry I’m late,” Ryo gasps, sliding into the seat across from Shige.
Shige smiles, shakes his head. “No worries. I haven’t waited long. How’d the interview go? You clean up well, I see.”
Ryo actually blushes a little (or maybe it was still from having rushed over) and says after a moment, “Again, I aced it, of course.” He flashes Shige a grin and pulls off his suit jacket, loosens his blue tie and the buttons on his collar. He leans back against the seat and says, “So what’ve you done all day?”
“Oh, I don’t know. This little thing called classes? Maybe you’ve heard of it,” Shige teases and Ryo laughs. “Had lunch with Koyama, too. But that’s pretty much it.”
Ryo’s grin falls a little at the mention of Koyama, which Shige doesn’t fail to notice, but doesn’t understand. But a moment later, he’s smiling again, leaning against his seat and taking a sip of his beer before asking, “So how’re things with your boyfriend?”
Shige bursts out laughing. “Did you really think we were dating?” he exclaims between gasps of laughter.
Ryo stares at him, not comprehending for a few moments before realization crosses his face. “What!” he says indignantly. “I thought you said you were dating!”
“No, you jumped to that conclusion yourself,” Shige clarifies. “He’s just my friend, Ryo.”
Ryo looks like he wants to be angry with him, but the way he smiles with relief doesn’t go unnoticed by Shige, who wonders what’s bothering Ryo about all of this. It doesn’t make any sense to him, because from the looks of things, it is almost as though Ryo is jealous, which he has no reason being since he doesn’t like Shige like that anyway. Shige sighs, looks down at his lap, glad that at that precise moment the waiter comes by to bring their food.
“You remembered what I liked?” Ryo says, looking a little surprised.
Shige nods and says around a mouthful of yakiniku, “Yeah, it’s correct, right?”
“Perfect,” Ryo replies and offers him a grin that has Shige’s heart jumping with both pleasure and disappointment.
He forces back a smile that he hopes doesn’t look too strained and concentrates on eating, listens as Ryo talks about his latest interview and only offering short nods and murmurs of acknowledgement. Shige wishes he hadn’t come, knew something like this would happen; sitting here across from Ryo, pretending like nothing happened between them, Shige just can’t do that. It’s too hard to ignore his own feelings, too hard to act like everything’s just fine when it really isn’t.
But Shige doesn’t know what to do about it. Doesn’t know what to say to change things, doesn’t know how to bring it up, doesn’t know what Ryo will say once he does. It scares him a little, the uncertainty of the whole thing, because if he ever does get the courage to tell Ryo, not being sure of the reply makes it so much harder to do so.
Shige glances up at Ryo discreetly as he chews, wanting to tell him everything, but not wanting to at the same time. Ryo leaves tonight; after dinner, they will return to the apartment and Ryo will get his things and he’ll be back to Osaka before Shige can even try to stop him. Ryo has only been there for two days, but somehow it feels like he’s been staying with him all along. Shige almost doesn’t want him to go.
“What’s up with you?” Ryo says suddenly, breaking out of his rant about something or other, to look at Shige with concern.
Shige shakes his head and puts on a smile. “Nothing, I’m fine,” he says.
“You’ve always been a bad liar, Shige,” Ryo replies, not fooled in the slightest. “Did something happen? What’s wrong?”
Shige wishes he wouldn’t act like he cares so much, because there is just no way Ryo cares, and this fake interest, this fake concern, along with the fake smiles and teasing and laughing, and that fake kiss, most of all, it was all just part of something Ryo obviously doesn’t believe in. Shige’s fingers clench into the fabric of his jeans, head bowed as he tries to regain control over his feelings crashing within his veins, overblown from thinking too much about something that will never change. Ryo doesn’t like him, Ryo will never like him, not like that. And now, it is just too much to handle, too much to ignore and keep locked up inside. He can’t do it anymore.
He’s on his feet before he realizes it, and out the door in a matter of seconds where the rain greets him, cold pellets that thankfully hide the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes. He shoves his hands into his pockets, curses himself for not having an umbrella, or even a sweatshirt with a hood, and head hunched towards the ground, quickly heads off towards the station.
He barely makes ten steps when someone grabs him by the elbow and turns him around roughly, and Shige thinks he should have ran when he finds Ryo’s confused face in front of his own.
“What’re you doing?” he exclaims, fingers on Shige’s arm tightening as he younger boy tries to escape.
“I’m going home,” Shige manages, voice choked as he holds back a sob. Everything hurt too much right now, and Shige doesn’t care how pathetic he must be, twisting his arm as much as he can from Ryo’s grasp that doesn’t relent no matter how hard he tries.
“What’s wrong?” Ryo demands and when Shige sees the concern in his eyes, hears it in his voice, loud over the roar of thunder and downpour of rain, something in him cracks, and the words tumble out, unleashed, unprotected, pelting Ryo like harsh jabs of a knife.
“I can’t do this anymore, Ryo,” he exclaims. “I can’t pretend like everything is just perfectly fine when I’m as confused as hell. You kissed me, remember? During Christmas, and then, and then you had the gall to apologize, you pretended like nothing even happened!” Shige finally manages to tear his arm away, Ryo’s grip having fallen completely loose from the impact of Shige’s words. “And I can’t act like that never happened, Ryo. Maybe you can, you’ve always been better at that kind of stuff, anyway, but I can’t.”
“S-Shige-” Ryo begins, his voice now barely audible, looking lost as he reaches out towards Shige, who immediately backs away, shakes his head.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he repeats. And then he fixes Ryo with a gaze so strong that Ryo feels his skin burning despite the cold air and rain that’s drenching him, and says, “I love you, Ryo. And I can’t just ignore that.”
He doesn’t even wait for Ryo’s answer, turning on his heel and running towards the station, not stopping until he reaches the platform. The ride home, he spends with his head against the window, shivering from the cold, and from the disbelief that he had actually said all of that to Ryo. He locks himself in his room when he returns, stripping out of wet clothes into loose sweats and a cotton shirt, curling under the covers and pulling a pillow to his chest. Sometime later, he hears the apartment door open and Ryo walking inside. His movements are quiet and Shige can hear him putting things away in the sitting room and grabbing his toothbrush and paste from the bathroom. For a few sickeningly long moments, Ryo stops right in front of his door, and Shige knows he’s there, and clenches his eyes shut as tight as he can, wills the world to swallow him whole, and only breathes when he hears the floorboards creak as Ryo walks away.
The apartment door opens and closes and then the click of the lock being secured.
The next morning Shige finds the extra key he gave to Ryo in the genkan, just barely pushed underneath the frame.
*
“Call him,” Koyama says.
“No,” replies Shige adamantly, staring at his phone sitting on the table.
“Call him.”
“No!”
“Fine, then I’ll call him,” Koyama says, picking up the phone.
“No!” Shige screams, lunges over the table to grab the phone back. The entire campus cafeteria falls into dead silence and Shige feels over a hundred pairs of eyes on him. He snatches the phone from Koyama’s hands and sinks back into his seat.
Only once the other students finally tear their eyes away and go back to eating, does Koyama say, “Why not?”
“Because,” Shige answers lamely, frowning as he clutches his phone in his hands.
“It’s been a whole week.”
“I know.”
Koyama sighs and drops the conversation, returning to finishing his meal instead. Shige slides further down in his seat, wishes he could just do what Koyama told him to do. He wants to, has been wanting to all week, to call Ryo up and fervently apologize, to tell him to forget everything he said and just go back to being the slightly awkward friends they are. His courage fails him though, used up from the previous weekend in confessing his love, and is now hiding in the dark crevices of his mind, cowering and unwilling to come out again.
“You do realize he might be back in Tokyo soon?” Koyama says a while later, sounding a little exasperated, putting his chopsticks down and giving Shige a Look.
“Can’t you just drop this?” Shige demands.
“Hi might get a job, you know, that’s why he came here for in the first place. He’ll be back if he gets a job,” Koyama continues, ignoring Shige.
“I know that. But it’s not like he’s going to move into the apartment next door,” Shige replies.
“Why don’t you just call him? You want to.”
“For the wrong reasons. I’ll just tell him to forget about it. What good does that really do? No one forgets anything even when they’re told to.” Shige sighs and leans onto the table, head nested in his folded arms. “I should give up on him first before I ask him to forget. It’ll make the rejection easier.”
Koyama frowns sadly, disapproving of Shige’s choices. “You’re being stupid.”
Shige laughs, hollowed and short. “Falling in love with him in the first place was stupid.”
“But-”
“If he cared,” Shige interrupts, looking up at Koyama, “If he cared, he’d call.” He drops his head, breathes, “He’d call.”
Koyama sighs but says nothing more, not having the heart to make Shige even more depressed and not knowing how to cheer him up.
“I’m going to the library,” Shige says, a few moments later, stretching as he gets to his feet. “I’ll see you later.”
Koyama just nods and bids him goodbye, watching Shige walk away with a frown on his face.
*
“Did you get any chocolates?” his mother asks sweetly.
Shige laughs. “No, Mom.”
“Not even one?” she prods, and Shige can almost see her pouting.
“Sorry,” he says, grinning despite himself.
“Well, there’s always next year,” she says matter-of-factly. “So, why don’t you come home for a weekend? We miss you.”
Shige freezes at the thought of going home. “I-I don’t know,” he mutters, slumping onto his back on his bed. “Aw, you don’t have finals or tests right now, come home for a weekend.”
Shige bites his lip, weighing his options, when his mothers continues, “I hear Ryo-kun hasn’t been feeling well ever since he came back from Tokyo. Did something happen?”
Between you two? Shige can hear the unasked question clearly, and hates how mothers always seem to know everything.
“Is everything okay?” she prompts again when Shige doesn’t answer.
“Oh, oh, yeah,” Shige replies instinctively, then winces at the obvious lying tone in his voice. “If-If something’s bothering Ryo, I-I don’t know about it. I haven’t talked to him since he left.”
His mother clicks her tongue disapprovingly. “I don’t know what happened to the two of you. You used to be such good friends.”
“Not everyone stays friends their whole lives,” Shige grumbles.
“I heard he was offered one of the jobs he wanted,” his mother continues as if she hadn’t heard him. “But he hasn’t decided if he’s going to take it yet.”
Shige feels his blood running cold and twists the fabric of his sheets in his free hand. “Oh, why?” he asks, pretending to sound less interested than he actually was.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “You really haven’t talked to him all this time? It’s almost been a month since he was up there.”
“I’ve been busy,” Shige lies lamely and can picture his mom shaking her head.
“Well, all right,” she says, resigned. “But you should call him, it might cheer him up, he seems so down lately.”
“Okay,” Shige says, eyes clenching shut and wanting this conversation to end now.
It’s as if his mother hears his wish for she says, “And think about coming home sometime soon, all right? We miss you.”
Shige smiles. “I’ll think about it. Bye.” He hands up feeling both homesick and immensely confused, particularly on the subject of Ryo. Of Ryo being depressed since he returned to Osaka. Of Ryo not accepting the job offer right away. He isn’t sure what could possibly make Ryo upset - he wasn’t the one who confessed - all he had to do was say I’m sorry, but I don’t see you that way. That’s all Shige expects him to do now.
It’s almost been a month. And Shige has been building up for it, that inevitable rejection; skin thickening, heart heardening, fake smiles practiced and reassuring response memorized. The next time he sees Ryo he’ll tell him to forget everything because it’s the easiest thing to do. He’ll apologize and maybe pass it off as a joke - You actually believed me! How stupid are you? - and insist they just go back to being friends, or whatever it is they are.
If Ryo is floundering over his decisions to come back to Tokyo, if he is depressed over what happened while he was here, it could only be due to the fact that Shige had confessed, and Ryo now doesn’t know how to break the rejection to him. It all makes sense to Shige that the only way to move forward now is to set things right between them, and that meant actually having to see Ryo.
He flops over onto his stomach, and dials a number on his phone, greeting Koyama with a cheery, “What do you say to going up to Osaka with me this weekend?”
continue to part 2
Title: Love me for love’s sake
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: NC-17 (this part is completely PG-13 though)
Summary: Shige and Ryo are next door neighbors from childhood, but when Shige moves to Tokyo for college, he realizes he left more than just his home behind.
Author’s Note: AU (completely non-JE). So a few months ago I had this idea to do something like a “4 verses where RyoShige get together, plus 1 where they don’t,” the theme stolen with love from some fics written for je_holiday that had this 4-verses concept. I just wanted to write AU!RyoShige, and for the past four months have been trying to get through these, and now finally one is finished. Originally I was going to post them all at once, but it took four months to write this one, so idk how long it’ll take for the rest, so we’ll just go one by one. I might not even go through with the 4 verses thing anyway, so this is probably better.
This is my longest ever oneshot at 13,521 words. Idefk. Title from the poem Sonnets from Portugese - 14 by Elizabeth Browning.
Thanks and love and ;alsnkdg;alsd to indian_monsoon for the beta, for all of your help in coming up with ideas and for your constant encouragement. Ilu, dear. ♥
Even though I spammed you this monstrosity on chat for like forever, this is for rolling_scone for a;ls;alskdng;alsd just everything. I don’t think I would have ever finished this if it wasn’t for her. I love you so much, bb. ♥♥♥♥♥
They move into the house when Shige’s five. It’s a small house in an even smaller neighborhood in the large city of Osaka. Shige sits on the front steps, watching as the movers help his father with the boxes and furniture. He kicks his feet and feels self-conscious, the neighborhood kids coming out to stare, riding their bikes around in circles, pointing and whispering.
His mom comes out and sits with him, tells him to go say hi to the other kids. Shige only shakes his head and kicks his feet some more, and then hides behind his mother when the next door neighbors come by to welcome them to the neighborhood. There’s a boy with them, bigger than Shige, though not by much, and he glares at Shige from his father’s side.
Their parents go inside and Shige’s mother forces him to stay with the boy. Shige bites his lip nervously and says, “Hi?”
“What’s your name?” the boy asks immediately, his voice loud and authoritative for someone so small.
Shige jumps a little. “S-Shige,” he mumbles.
“That’s a dorky name,” the boy says, but before Shige can say that it’s not, he continues, “I’m Ryo.”
And so it starts. Ryo, to put it quite frankly, is a bit of a bully. At least, to Shige. He pushes Shige into the dirt, steals his toys and calls him names. And yet, he walks back with Shige from school, listens to Shige talk about the interesting things he learned in class, and helps him glue macaroni noodles into a heart for mother’s day.
Shige quickly learns that Ryo’s the kind of person he hates, yet wants his approval at the same time. They aren’t friends, not really. Just neighbors. They rarely play with each other as they grow older; Ryo is three years his senior and already had his own friends, and Shige makes his own friends from school. They talk to each other on the way from school, pull pranks on each other almost every week, and yell at each other for being too loud through their facing windows. But they aren’t really friends.
It’s not until Shige’s in high school that things change. Ryo doesn’t go to high school, instead works at his family restaurant with his dad and one of his brothers. Ryo has always liked to cook, Shige knew it well as he was often the target for his many “taste tests.” Ryo would bribe him with fifty yen promises if Shige’d try, and naively, he would. They were never any good, and Shige was seven and was taught not to lie. He never got any fifty yen, though he supposes he never should have expected to.
Shige’s parents both work late and as an only child, Shige hates staying on his own at home. Instead, he spends the evenings on the stool at the end of the counter at the Nishikido restaurant with glasses perched on his nose and five books in front of him and Ryo poking fun at him every chance he got. His parents don’t mind, saying Shige is like another son to them and making Ryo look out for him which Ryo constantly grumbles about but does all the same.
“You owe me,” Ryo tells him one day. “I shouldn’t have to look out for you.”
“I don’t owe you anything,” Shige replies, peering at Ryo from over the top of a book. “Besides, if it really bothered you, you’d complain more, and bribe me to stay at home instead of coming here. But you don’t. So you really don’t mind.”
Ryo looks aghast at the very thought and with a shudder turns away to work. Shige just laughs after him, feels a little warm inside.
When Ryo leaves, Shige makes him take him with, gets a ride back home even though Ryo makes fun of him the whole way. Shige hesitates when leaving the car, not really wanting to go back inside when the lights are still off and there are no cars in the driveway; his parents aren’t home yet and Shige, even at eighteen, still hates being alone.
Ryo notices though, mentions it, says teasingly, “Afraid to be on your own? You are so lame.”
Shige can’t even manage a glare, instead mumbles his thanks for the ride and quietly gets out of the car, crossing the lawn to his house next door. The first thing he does is flick on all the lights, and immediately afterwards there’s knocking on the door that has him jumping.
It’s only Ryo, who looks annoyed and slightly embarrassed, shoving his way inside and saying, “You better have something fun to do or else I’m leaving.”
And when Shige only stares at him, bewildered, Ryo rolls his eyes and adds, “If I’m here you won’t be alone, right? Maybe it’s not a lot but-”
“No, no, it-it’s fine,” Shige interjects quickly. “T-Thanks, Ryo.”
“Whatever,” Ryo says offhandedly, but he grins as he leads the way into the kitchen.
*
Ryo places a bowl of ramen on top of one of Shige’s books, looking slightly horrified by his own action. “You should eat too, genius. No good working on an empty stomach.”
Shige laughs, eyes bright as he puts his highlighter down and pulls the ramen close. “Thanks, Ryo.”
Ryo just looks more embarrassed, hides the smile that’s tugging at his lips with a hand, and yells at his friends whooping at him from the other side of the restaurant. He gives Shige a slightly confused look, as if still not believing what he’d done, and heads off to smack his friends over the head, declaring if they didn’t shut up they wouldn’t get a discount. Shige only grins as he watches Ryo work, silently eating the ramen that tastes better than any other kind he’s had before. He’s not quite sure what it is, this warm feeling in the pit of his belly that night, as he pays more attention to Ryo than to his homework. It’s a little weird, mostly frightening, yet he can’t deny that it’s a good feeling. Whatever it was.
And that night as Ryo drives them back home, he feels it again, takes more notice in everything Ryo does, the way he speaks and laughs. Even his teasing doesn’t bother Shige so much, suddenly he’s able to realize he’s not really being mean. He laughs to himself, can’t believe he never noticed that before.
“What’re you laughing about?” Ryo demands.
“Just remembering how you couldn’t cook at all before. I see you’ve learned a lot,” Shige replies easily.
“I’ve always known how to cook well. You’ve just never appreciated good taste.”
“Ryo, you fed me mud.”
Ryo grins. “Which proves what I’ve been telling you for years. You’re an idiot.”
“I was seven.”
“Don’t try to deny it Shige.”
“I hate you.”
“I know.”
*
Shige gets into his university of choice later that year, a school out in Tokyo. His parents suggest he get an apartment there, easier than commuting every day, and although Shige doesn’t want to live alone, he knows it’s true and spends a month searching for a small affordable place. He takes a weekend and moves a month before the new school year, his mother fusses over him, making sure he has everything, and his father pats him on the back, tells him to make me proud, son. Shige nods, promises he will, and when they leave, he feels more alone than he ever has in his life.
The apartment is cramped yet feels too spacious to accommodate just himself. And it just feels weird, being somewhere else that isn’t his house in the streets of Osaka, that isn’t next door to a neighbor that yelled through the open window. In Tokyo, fumes of gas lingers in the air and the lights outside never seem to fade away. It is loud and busy and full of people and Shige spends a month wondering why he chose to come here.
If anything, at least he doesn’t have to deal with Ryo’s constant forms of torture.
Or, that’s what he tells himself at first. That he’s glad to be out of Ryo’s range of ridicule, yet as the days goes on, Shige misses home more and more. Even though he makes good friends once school starts, he can’t shake the feeling that something’s off.
His closest friend is the first to call him on it. “You’re homesick, aren’t you?” Koyama says one evening while they’re studying together in Shige’s apartment.
Shige shakes his head. Because he knows he’s not homesick. Homesick would require him to miss his parents a lot more, to miss his bedroom and house. But he doesn’t, not really. Sure, he misses his parents, but he talks to them on the phone almost everyday, so he doesn’t feel distanced from them. “I don’t know what I am,” he replies honestly.
“Well, it’s almost vacation, so maybe you’ll figure it out when you go home?” Koyama says, ever the optimist.
Shige smiles. “I hope so,” he says, and really really does.
*
After finals, Shige goes back home for the holidays. His mother immediately fusses over how thin he is and makes an extra large dinner for just the three of them, making sure Shige has seconds and thirds and fourths of everything. He heads up to his room afterwards, flicks the light on and slumps down onto the bed, feeling bits of nostalgia at being back home after a few months. He’s almost falling asleep when he hears something hit the window repeatedly. Already smiling, he hops off the bed and opens the window, finds Ryo across the lawn, peering out from his window.
“Hey, stranger,” Ryo greets, looking both surprised and pleased to see him.
And it’s in this one moment that Shige figures it out; what was so obvious he hadn’t realized it before. The thing - the person - he’d been missing so much all this time was Ryo.
A little stunned by his revelation, he takes a moment to respond, stammering out an “H-Hey, Ryo.”
“How long are you here for?”
“A few weeks,” Shige replies.
“Okay,” Ryo says, glancing away for a moment, looking confused. “I’ll talk to you later then?”
Shige nods slowly, not really wanting to end the conversation yet not sure what else to say. “Sure,” he replies and Ryo flashes him a bright smile before shutting the window and disappearing inside.
Shige closes his own, feels something strange in the pit of his stomach. He goes to bed soon after that, but can’t quite fall sleep, thinks about Ryo, about how much he missed him, how good it was to see him again, unchanged yet suddenly much more attractive than ever before. He realizes it while lying in bed that night, not sleeping and anxious as it all falls into place.
Somehow, without his noticing, he had fallen in love with Ryo.
“Oh, fuck,” he curses, mortified, and it’s not until the sun is peeking through the window does he finally fall asleep.
*
He avoids Ryo as much as he can for the duration of his vacation. If Ryo throws things at his window, Shige pretends not to hear, and he stays inside and doesn’t risk leaving home in case Ryo should see him. It’s pathetic and cowardly but he doesn’t know what else to do. Ryo, his neighbor for as long as he could remember, his childhood bully, and maybe in a vague sense of the term, one of his closest friends, of all the people, how could it be him?
“How could it not?” Koyama says over the phone a few days later, once Shige spills his whole dilemma. “You’ve known him for ages, isn’t kind of like, duh, of course you love him?”
Shige groans. “That’s not helping, Koyama,” he says. “Besides, there’s no way he likes me. So I should try and forget about it.”
“Well, I don’t think you should give up before you even try.”
“You would think that.” Shige sighs. “But I’m not nearly as hopeful as you.”
“Shige,” Koyama says, “he’s known you just as long as you’ve known him. If he hated you he wouldn’t be knocking on your window.”
“Yeah, but like and love are worlds apart.”
“Give him a chance. You could be surprised.”
“Or let down,” Shige mumbles to himself as he hangs up.
*
On Christmas, Shige’s family and Ryo’s family get together for dinner as they have almost every year. Shige knows he can’t dodge Ryo here, but Ryo doesn’t show up. Shige doesn’t want to ask about it, but the curiosity kills him and he can’t help but wonder all evening where Ryo could be. He’d never before missed one of their Christmas dinners.
“He’s with his girlfriend tonight,” Shige hears Ryo’s mother tell his own, sounding very excited. “They’ve been together for a few months now, so cute together.”
“Aw, how lovely,” Shige’s mother says and Shige feels a knot twisting painfully into his stomach.
The rest of the evening is a boring blur; without Ryo, Shige had no one really to talk with, as it’s just their parents and one of Ryo’s elder brothers who Shige had only ever exchanged a few words with before. Right after dinner, Shige sneaks out through the back, unable to take anymore in a room full of adults with nothing to do. He sighs once outside, heading around the corner back to his house, only to stop in his tracks when he finds Ryo leaning against the side of the house, a cigarette at his lips.
Ryo grins when he sees him. “Hey.”
Shige says, “I thought you were on a date.”
Ryo takes a drag of his cigarette, then replies, “I broke up with her.”
“On Christmas?” Shige says, leans against the house next to Ryo. “That’s kind of harsh, even for you.”
Ryo shrugs. “Had to be done.”
“Why?” Shige asks before he can stop himself.
Ryo just shrugs again and Shige gets the point, doesn’t ask anymore. Instead, he just stands beside him, his heart beating rapidly, wanting to say something, anything, but not knowing where to start.
Ryo lets out a puff of smoke then drops the cigarette to the ground, crushes it under his heel. “So, where were you sneaking off to?”
Shige shakes his head. “Just going back home. It wasn’t any fun just sitting there.”
“Of course, I wasn’t there.”
“Exactly,” Shige says without thinking, then slams a hand over his mouth in horror a moment later.
Ryo just laughs. “Sorry for ditching.”
Shige shrugs. “You had stuff to do.”
Ryo catches his gaze, stares at him a moment longer than is considered normal and Shige’s heart skips a beat. “You’re more important than her,” he says and Shige’s eyes go wide and he says the first thing that comes to mind.
“Are you drunk?”
Ryo blinks. Then laughs, finally looking away. Shige doesn’t notice the flicker of disappointment in his eyes. “Yeah, maybe a little.”
Shige laughs, pushes himself off the house and says, “Well, I’m going inside. It’s cold.” He gives Ryo a slightly pointed look, hoping he’ll understand and join him without Shige actually having to ask. Instead, Ryo stares at him just like moments before, a slightly lost, confused look in his eyes that has Shige a little worried.
“Ryo?” he says carefully, takes a step towards him, but then his eyes widen as Ryo suddenly closes what little space is left between them by pressing their mouths together.
It’s a short kiss, surprisingly soft and gentle and even though Ryo tastes like a mixture of alcohol and cigarette smoke, Shige melts into it. His skin feels like it’s on fire and his heart is lodged in his throat, and he breaks the kiss when he realizes just how important breathing is, pulling back and staring at Ryo with wide eyes as he catches his breath.
Just as he starts to wonder what to do next-should he confess? kiss him again?-Ryo steps back a few feet, right into the side of the house. He looks even more surprised than Shige feels, and before Shige gets a chance to say anything, Ryo mumbles a quick apology and then rushes into his house.
Shige stands there for what feels like over an hour, feet rooted to the spot, chest tight around his heart as the hope he’d felt when Ryo kissed him immediately burned to the ground the instant he apologized.
“Why kiss me if you’re going to regret it?” Shige mutters to himself as he finally heads inside.
*
Shige spends the rest of his vacation avoiding Ryo. It proves to be quite easy as it seems Ryo’s doing the exact same thing, never once trying to talk to Shige about the kiss and always avoiding his gaze when they happen to see each other. Shige doesn’t know what to feel about it; both glad Ryo’s not bringing it up, but at the same time, completely devastated because he does love Ryo and the kiss only confirmed it.
He returns to Tokyo, to the small, quiet confines of his apartment, without saying a word to Ryo. Once classes start up again, he falls quickly back into his daily routines. He meets with Koyama a lot, and Koyama’s fun and silly and helps him forget for a few hours a day all about Ryo and the kiss and everything about it. Koyama’s positivity is contagious and eventually Shige stops thinking about Ryo as the days go on.
It all comes back, however, a few weeks later when Ryo calls him.
“How’d you get my number?” Shige asks instantly, confused.
“From your mom,” Ryo replies. “She was oh so surprised that I didn’t already have it. So was I. How could you not tell me, Shige?”
Shige rolls his eyes. “What do you need, Ryo?”
“Your address. I’m coming down to Tokyo tomorrow for a few job interviews and your mother told me to stay with you instead of getting a hotel. I figured I’d be nice and actually let you know instead of just showing up.”
“W-Wait, what?”
Ryo sighs. “God, you’re so slow. I’m coming to Tokyo-”
“No, I got that part. But seriously? I don’t want you here!” Shige exclaims, panicking. Thoughts of the kiss from over break flood his mind.
“Thanks, Shige. I really feel the love.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, I-”
“Then it’s okay, right?” Ryo cuts him off. “I’ll be there tomorrow around noon. Now give me your address.”
Shige stares at the wall, wanting desperately to hang up because no, he can’t see Ryo, not when he is starting to forget, and no, how will he cope with Ryo actually staying with him for a few days, and no, he just can’t, can’t can’t-
“Shige?” Ryo says and Shige sighs, knowing he can’t refuse and replies, “Okay, okay,” and gives Ryo his address.
*
“Why’re you so frantic? He’s just staying two days for his interviews,” Koyama says.
Shige sighs. “I know,” he says, eyes on the screen as they play a video game in Shige’s apartment.
“It might be a good thing,” Koyama says. “Maybe you’ll actually get to confess.”
Shige flails a little and shakes his head profusely. “No way. He’s never going to know about that. He definitely doesn’t feel the same.”
“But he kissed you.”
“And then apologized,” Shige adds. “It’s a lose-lose situation.” He sighs as his character dies, throwing his controller onto the floor and flopping onto his back, arms spread out at his sides just as there’s a knock on the door. He groans. “Can I pretend I’m not here?”
“No,” Koyama says, smiling. Another knock, a little louder. “Want me to answer it?” Koyama offers.
Shige nods. “It’ll probably freak him out a bit. Do it.”
Koyama laughs and heads for the door as the knocks increase. There’s a moment of silence, followed by Ryo’s unmistakable snarky voice, and Shige smiles as he gets up and walks over before Ryo does something stupid like yelling at Koyama.
“Hey, Ryo,” Shige greets, coming up behind Koyama, standing close, just to freak Ryo a bit more.
Ryo blinks, eyes darting back and forth from Shige to Koyama and then back. “Hi,” he says carefully.
“Come on in,” Shige says, stepping back, guiding Koyama inside. “Did you find the place okay?”
Ryo nods, eyes closely watching Koyama, how he leans in against Shige, smiling and whispering into his ear. “Who’s your friend?” Ryo asks without thinking.
“Oh, right,” Shige says. “My best friend, Koyama. Koyama, this is my neighbor from home, Ryo.”
Koyama gives Ryo a small smile. “It’s nice meeting you.”
Ryo forces a smile in return, his mind still stuck on best friend, and replies, “Same.”
“I should go, Shige,” Koyama says. “Are we still meeting up tomorrow for lunch?”
“Of course. I’ll call you later.”
Koyama grabs his things from the sitting room and with a wave heads out, the door falling shut behind him. The instant he’s gone, Ryo says, “Who was he?”
“I told you. My best friend from school.” Shige leads the way inside, turning off the game console and clearing up the mess.
“You seemed very cosy for just friends.”
“So maybe we’re more,” Shige says without thinking. “What’s it to you?”
Ryo stares at him for a long moment, then says, “Nothing, nevermind.”
Shige tilts his head, blinking at him, not unable to help the feeling that Ryo was lying. He shrugs and puts it out of his mind for now, says instead, “You get the couch. There’s stuff in the fridge so you get to cook. I think that’s a good repayment for letting you stay here.”
“You just want to eat my food.”
Shige grins. “Yes, is that a problem?”
Ryo matches his grin. “Not at all,” he says. “I miss making you weird things to eat.”
Shige makes a face. “If you so much as try that now you can go sleep on the streets.”
“Understood,” Ryo says, plopping down onto the couch and stretching. He glances around room, then says, “Your apartment sucks.”
Shige laughs in agreement, but thinks that with Ryo sitting there, smiling at him, it’s not so bad anymore.
*
Shige wakes to the smell of coffee and toast the next morning. He pulls himself out of bed and heads out towards the kitchen, passing the empty living room to find Ryo making breakfast behind the counter, in nothing but a pair of colorful boxers.
“Morning,” Ryo greets him, grinning, and Shige forces himself to stare at the floor and not him. “You don’t mind, do you?” he asks, gesturing to where he’s cooking.
Shige shakes his head as he sits down at the table and says, “It’s fine. That was the agreement, right?”
Ryo smiles sunlight, nods, and goes back to finish cooking. Breakfast is a little awkward, not much to say, not sure what to say, so Shige quietly chews his food and keeps an eye on the clock. When he realizes he’s going to be late for his first class, he mutters a rushed thanks to Ryo before disappearing into the bedroom to dress. He hands Ryo a spare key and tells him to lock up when he leaves for his interview and heads out without another word. On the way to school, Shige thinks he might have been a little rude, but then again, it’s Ryo-he doesn’t need to be babysat.
“So, has anything happened yet?” Koyama asks Shige at lunch.
“No. What’re you talking about?”
Koyama looks disappointed. “Lame.”
Shige glares. “I am not your personal drama series,” he says, unimpressed.
“I just want Shige to be happy,” Koyama insists with innocent eyes and Shige hums in disbelief. “Well, you have all today and tomorrow,” Koyama continues. “That’s plenty of time.”
“You need a hobby or something,” Shige mutters and Koyama only grins.
Ryo’s not home when Shige returns, which he’s actually thankful about. His earlier talk with Koyama had brought back thoughts about the kiss form a few weeks before, and it does nothing to help how he’s been desperately trying to forget. His mood sours considerably, Shige shuts himself up in his room and focuses on homework, not bothering to move even when he hears Ryo return. Not that it matters anyway, as a few minutes later, the door opens and Ryo walks in like he owns the place, flopping onto the bed.
“Yo,” he says.
Shige, despite his earlier mood, can’t help but smile. “How was your interview?” he asks, spinning around on his chair to look at Ryo who’s laying on his back upon the mattress, head pillowed in his hands.
A smug grin crosses his face. “Aced it,” he says. “Totally getting the job. They loved me.”
“Your ego is astounding.” Shige rolls his eyes.
“Not my fault I’m perfect.”
Shige snorts. “Whatever you say.”
Ryo leans up on his elbows and graces Shige with a glare, who only stares back at him with a grin that slowly fades the longer Ryo keeps staring, gaze unwavering though changing from a glare to something much softer. Shige quickly looks away, coughs behind his hand and forces down the sudden increase in his heartbeat.
“I win,” Ryo announces suddenly and Shige looks back carefully. “You looked away,” Ryo elaborates, seeing Shige’s expression.
“I didn’t realize we were having a contest.”
“Doesn’t matter, I’d win even if you were aware.”
Shige shakes his head and turns back to his homework. “I’m not going to fuel your oversized head.”
Ryo makes a kind of scandalized noise but drops the matter. “What’re you doing?”
“Homework,” Shige replies.
“God, you’re still so boring,” Ryo marvels, and when Shige just ignores him, adds, “What’re you doing tomorrow around five?”
“Nothing, why?” Shige glances at him suspiciously.
“Because you’re a shitty host, I was thinking you should take me out to eat before I leave,” Ryo declares, jumping up to his feet and giving Shige a pointed look.
“Wow, Ryo, if you wanted to ask me out, that was not the way to do it.” Shige grins.
Ryo splutters and Shige’s surprised to see the tips of his ears turn an embarrassed red. “A-As if I’d want to go out with you!” he exclaims, and then, looking quite flustered, stomps out the door, leaving a bewildered Shige behind.
*
Shige considers faking ill or something to get out of not going to eat with Ryo that night. Koyama gives him unhelpful advice about good moments to confess, what certain gestures, looks, words really mean, and how to dress properly in case things get heated after the meal. Shige only blushes and groans and tries unsuccessfully to smother himself with a pillow. He even begs Koyama to go with them, but Koyama won’t give in no matter what and Shige sorrowfully resigns himself to an awkward Ryo-filled night.
It’s not as thought he doesn’t want to go, it’s just that being alone with Ryo, especially after recent events, made it so much harder not to try and confess. Ryo obviously doesn’t feel the same way, or else he wouldn’t have apologized. And Shige just wans to be able to forget, to go back to how things were before.
Ryo has his interview right up until five so they plan to meet at a small yakiniku restaurant close by. Shige leaves at the last possible moment, grumbling as he gets on the train. He arrives before Ryo and gets them a table, orders beers and their meal, and fidgets impatiently, trying to pluck up enough courage to run for it.
But Ryo makes it in before he can, looking quite out of place in his dark suit, a little flushed and windblown as if he’d run all the way over.
“Sorry I’m late,” Ryo gasps, sliding into the seat across from Shige.
Shige smiles, shakes his head. “No worries. I haven’t waited long. How’d the interview go? You clean up well, I see.”
Ryo actually blushes a little (or maybe it was still from having rushed over) and says after a moment, “Again, I aced it, of course.” He flashes Shige a grin and pulls off his suit jacket, loosens his blue tie and the buttons on his collar. He leans back against the seat and says, “So what’ve you done all day?”
“Oh, I don’t know. This little thing called classes? Maybe you’ve heard of it,” Shige teases and Ryo laughs. “Had lunch with Koyama, too. But that’s pretty much it.”
Ryo’s grin falls a little at the mention of Koyama, which Shige doesn’t fail to notice, but doesn’t understand. But a moment later, he’s smiling again, leaning against his seat and taking a sip of his beer before asking, “So how’re things with your boyfriend?”
Shige bursts out laughing. “Did you really think we were dating?” he exclaims between gasps of laughter.
Ryo stares at him, not comprehending for a few moments before realization crosses his face. “What!” he says indignantly. “I thought you said you were dating!”
“No, you jumped to that conclusion yourself,” Shige clarifies. “He’s just my friend, Ryo.”
Ryo looks like he wants to be angry with him, but the way he smiles with relief doesn’t go unnoticed by Shige, who wonders what’s bothering Ryo about all of this. It doesn’t make any sense to him, because from the looks of things, it is almost as though Ryo is jealous, which he has no reason being since he doesn’t like Shige like that anyway. Shige sighs, looks down at his lap, glad that at that precise moment the waiter comes by to bring their food.
“You remembered what I liked?” Ryo says, looking a little surprised.
Shige nods and says around a mouthful of yakiniku, “Yeah, it’s correct, right?”
“Perfect,” Ryo replies and offers him a grin that has Shige’s heart jumping with both pleasure and disappointment.
He forces back a smile that he hopes doesn’t look too strained and concentrates on eating, listens as Ryo talks about his latest interview and only offering short nods and murmurs of acknowledgement. Shige wishes he hadn’t come, knew something like this would happen; sitting here across from Ryo, pretending like nothing happened between them, Shige just can’t do that. It’s too hard to ignore his own feelings, too hard to act like everything’s just fine when it really isn’t.
But Shige doesn’t know what to do about it. Doesn’t know what to say to change things, doesn’t know how to bring it up, doesn’t know what Ryo will say once he does. It scares him a little, the uncertainty of the whole thing, because if he ever does get the courage to tell Ryo, not being sure of the reply makes it so much harder to do so.
Shige glances up at Ryo discreetly as he chews, wanting to tell him everything, but not wanting to at the same time. Ryo leaves tonight; after dinner, they will return to the apartment and Ryo will get his things and he’ll be back to Osaka before Shige can even try to stop him. Ryo has only been there for two days, but somehow it feels like he’s been staying with him all along. Shige almost doesn’t want him to go.
“What’s up with you?” Ryo says suddenly, breaking out of his rant about something or other, to look at Shige with concern.
Shige shakes his head and puts on a smile. “Nothing, I’m fine,” he says.
“You’ve always been a bad liar, Shige,” Ryo replies, not fooled in the slightest. “Did something happen? What’s wrong?”
Shige wishes he wouldn’t act like he cares so much, because there is just no way Ryo cares, and this fake interest, this fake concern, along with the fake smiles and teasing and laughing, and that fake kiss, most of all, it was all just part of something Ryo obviously doesn’t believe in. Shige’s fingers clench into the fabric of his jeans, head bowed as he tries to regain control over his feelings crashing within his veins, overblown from thinking too much about something that will never change. Ryo doesn’t like him, Ryo will never like him, not like that. And now, it is just too much to handle, too much to ignore and keep locked up inside. He can’t do it anymore.
He’s on his feet before he realizes it, and out the door in a matter of seconds where the rain greets him, cold pellets that thankfully hide the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes. He shoves his hands into his pockets, curses himself for not having an umbrella, or even a sweatshirt with a hood, and head hunched towards the ground, quickly heads off towards the station.
He barely makes ten steps when someone grabs him by the elbow and turns him around roughly, and Shige thinks he should have ran when he finds Ryo’s confused face in front of his own.
“What’re you doing?” he exclaims, fingers on Shige’s arm tightening as he younger boy tries to escape.
“I’m going home,” Shige manages, voice choked as he holds back a sob. Everything hurt too much right now, and Shige doesn’t care how pathetic he must be, twisting his arm as much as he can from Ryo’s grasp that doesn’t relent no matter how hard he tries.
“What’s wrong?” Ryo demands and when Shige sees the concern in his eyes, hears it in his voice, loud over the roar of thunder and downpour of rain, something in him cracks, and the words tumble out, unleashed, unprotected, pelting Ryo like harsh jabs of a knife.
“I can’t do this anymore, Ryo,” he exclaims. “I can’t pretend like everything is just perfectly fine when I’m as confused as hell. You kissed me, remember? During Christmas, and then, and then you had the gall to apologize, you pretended like nothing even happened!” Shige finally manages to tear his arm away, Ryo’s grip having fallen completely loose from the impact of Shige’s words. “And I can’t act like that never happened, Ryo. Maybe you can, you’ve always been better at that kind of stuff, anyway, but I can’t.”
“S-Shige-” Ryo begins, his voice now barely audible, looking lost as he reaches out towards Shige, who immediately backs away, shakes his head.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he repeats. And then he fixes Ryo with a gaze so strong that Ryo feels his skin burning despite the cold air and rain that’s drenching him, and says, “I love you, Ryo. And I can’t just ignore that.”
He doesn’t even wait for Ryo’s answer, turning on his heel and running towards the station, not stopping until he reaches the platform. The ride home, he spends with his head against the window, shivering from the cold, and from the disbelief that he had actually said all of that to Ryo. He locks himself in his room when he returns, stripping out of wet clothes into loose sweats and a cotton shirt, curling under the covers and pulling a pillow to his chest. Sometime later, he hears the apartment door open and Ryo walking inside. His movements are quiet and Shige can hear him putting things away in the sitting room and grabbing his toothbrush and paste from the bathroom. For a few sickeningly long moments, Ryo stops right in front of his door, and Shige knows he’s there, and clenches his eyes shut as tight as he can, wills the world to swallow him whole, and only breathes when he hears the floorboards creak as Ryo walks away.
The apartment door opens and closes and then the click of the lock being secured.
The next morning Shige finds the extra key he gave to Ryo in the genkan, just barely pushed underneath the frame.
*
“Call him,” Koyama says.
“No,” replies Shige adamantly, staring at his phone sitting on the table.
“Call him.”
“No!”
“Fine, then I’ll call him,” Koyama says, picking up the phone.
“No!” Shige screams, lunges over the table to grab the phone back. The entire campus cafeteria falls into dead silence and Shige feels over a hundred pairs of eyes on him. He snatches the phone from Koyama’s hands and sinks back into his seat.
Only once the other students finally tear their eyes away and go back to eating, does Koyama say, “Why not?”
“Because,” Shige answers lamely, frowning as he clutches his phone in his hands.
“It’s been a whole week.”
“I know.”
Koyama sighs and drops the conversation, returning to finishing his meal instead. Shige slides further down in his seat, wishes he could just do what Koyama told him to do. He wants to, has been wanting to all week, to call Ryo up and fervently apologize, to tell him to forget everything he said and just go back to being the slightly awkward friends they are. His courage fails him though, used up from the previous weekend in confessing his love, and is now hiding in the dark crevices of his mind, cowering and unwilling to come out again.
“You do realize he might be back in Tokyo soon?” Koyama says a while later, sounding a little exasperated, putting his chopsticks down and giving Shige a Look.
“Can’t you just drop this?” Shige demands.
“Hi might get a job, you know, that’s why he came here for in the first place. He’ll be back if he gets a job,” Koyama continues, ignoring Shige.
“I know that. But it’s not like he’s going to move into the apartment next door,” Shige replies.
“Why don’t you just call him? You want to.”
“For the wrong reasons. I’ll just tell him to forget about it. What good does that really do? No one forgets anything even when they’re told to.” Shige sighs and leans onto the table, head nested in his folded arms. “I should give up on him first before I ask him to forget. It’ll make the rejection easier.”
Koyama frowns sadly, disapproving of Shige’s choices. “You’re being stupid.”
Shige laughs, hollowed and short. “Falling in love with him in the first place was stupid.”
“But-”
“If he cared,” Shige interrupts, looking up at Koyama, “If he cared, he’d call.” He drops his head, breathes, “He’d call.”
Koyama sighs but says nothing more, not having the heart to make Shige even more depressed and not knowing how to cheer him up.
“I’m going to the library,” Shige says, a few moments later, stretching as he gets to his feet. “I’ll see you later.”
Koyama just nods and bids him goodbye, watching Shige walk away with a frown on his face.
*
“Did you get any chocolates?” his mother asks sweetly.
Shige laughs. “No, Mom.”
“Not even one?” she prods, and Shige can almost see her pouting.
“Sorry,” he says, grinning despite himself.
“Well, there’s always next year,” she says matter-of-factly. “So, why don’t you come home for a weekend? We miss you.”
Shige freezes at the thought of going home. “I-I don’t know,” he mutters, slumping onto his back on his bed. “Aw, you don’t have finals or tests right now, come home for a weekend.”
Shige bites his lip, weighing his options, when his mothers continues, “I hear Ryo-kun hasn’t been feeling well ever since he came back from Tokyo. Did something happen?”
Between you two? Shige can hear the unasked question clearly, and hates how mothers always seem to know everything.
“Is everything okay?” she prompts again when Shige doesn’t answer.
“Oh, oh, yeah,” Shige replies instinctively, then winces at the obvious lying tone in his voice. “If-If something’s bothering Ryo, I-I don’t know about it. I haven’t talked to him since he left.”
His mother clicks her tongue disapprovingly. “I don’t know what happened to the two of you. You used to be such good friends.”
“Not everyone stays friends their whole lives,” Shige grumbles.
“I heard he was offered one of the jobs he wanted,” his mother continues as if she hadn’t heard him. “But he hasn’t decided if he’s going to take it yet.”
Shige feels his blood running cold and twists the fabric of his sheets in his free hand. “Oh, why?” he asks, pretending to sound less interested than he actually was.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “You really haven’t talked to him all this time? It’s almost been a month since he was up there.”
“I’ve been busy,” Shige lies lamely and can picture his mom shaking her head.
“Well, all right,” she says, resigned. “But you should call him, it might cheer him up, he seems so down lately.”
“Okay,” Shige says, eyes clenching shut and wanting this conversation to end now.
It’s as if his mother hears his wish for she says, “And think about coming home sometime soon, all right? We miss you.”
Shige smiles. “I’ll think about it. Bye.” He hands up feeling both homesick and immensely confused, particularly on the subject of Ryo. Of Ryo being depressed since he returned to Osaka. Of Ryo not accepting the job offer right away. He isn’t sure what could possibly make Ryo upset - he wasn’t the one who confessed - all he had to do was say I’m sorry, but I don’t see you that way. That’s all Shige expects him to do now.
It’s almost been a month. And Shige has been building up for it, that inevitable rejection; skin thickening, heart heardening, fake smiles practiced and reassuring response memorized. The next time he sees Ryo he’ll tell him to forget everything because it’s the easiest thing to do. He’ll apologize and maybe pass it off as a joke - You actually believed me! How stupid are you? - and insist they just go back to being friends, or whatever it is they are.
If Ryo is floundering over his decisions to come back to Tokyo, if he is depressed over what happened while he was here, it could only be due to the fact that Shige had confessed, and Ryo now doesn’t know how to break the rejection to him. It all makes sense to Shige that the only way to move forward now is to set things right between them, and that meant actually having to see Ryo.
He flops over onto his stomach, and dials a number on his phone, greeting Koyama with a cheery, “What do you say to going up to Osaka with me this weekend?”
continue to part 2