(no subject)
I thought today would be better. I thought if I got some sleep- which I did...but only barely- that I'd be better. I think I'm too hopeful. I dont think that suprises anyone either.
I think I'm going to boycott everyone today. I think I've pissed off enough people in the past 24 hours. I never expected anyone to understand, because even I don't. I didn't even ask or expect you to listen. I know that some of this is happening because I'm already sick, I'm not sleeping, and I have anxiety to add to it. But I also know that this genuinely hurts.
you've all heard me gushing about Frank. He's an absolute sweetheart. He's good to me, he tries to be. He wants me to be happy, he expects it from me. But I just can't always be that for him. I guess it's just another thing I'm missing. I'm not trying to say that its his fault that shit isn't working. it's not. I know it's mine. I know I'm fucked up. I've always known it. I've told him that. I know he doesn't want to loose me, but I still feel like he'd be better off not dealing with me. He's stressed out enough about things he doesn't tell me. It kills me that he waits till 11 to call me, then is watching TV when he des- then falls asleep within 30 minutes. It hasnt always been like this. if i knew itd be like this, i would have never gotten into it. I love him dearly, but I'm not willing to hurt for this forever. I'm sure things would be different if I was home, but I'm not...and I won't be for weeks, and then after 2 weeks, ill be back here for a month. That's 2 months before I have the prospect of beign happy again? and I don't want to change him, I don't want to be that girl who tells him how to be. He's wonderful just like he is- he's just not what I need right now, I guess. I want him to be. But things are never as perfect as I make them out to be- it's easier to be really happy than a little sad.
Atleast Jason thinks I'm normal. Fuck, its all I wanted SOMEONE, ANYONE to say. It's the only consoling thing anyone has said. He tells me everyone gets like this sometimes, and freaks out about shit.
I know Ray meant to help today too, but part of me thinks he's partially selfish when he gives me advice. Somehow, it kind of makes me feel special...it's a weird situation. I guess.
Not being able to control your own mind is a dangerous thing.
I think I'm going to boycott everyone today. I think I've pissed off enough people in the past 24 hours. I never expected anyone to understand, because even I don't. I didn't even ask or expect you to listen. I know that some of this is happening because I'm already sick, I'm not sleeping, and I have anxiety to add to it. But I also know that this genuinely hurts.
you've all heard me gushing about Frank. He's an absolute sweetheart. He's good to me, he tries to be. He wants me to be happy, he expects it from me. But I just can't always be that for him. I guess it's just another thing I'm missing. I'm not trying to say that its his fault that shit isn't working. it's not. I know it's mine. I know I'm fucked up. I've always known it. I've told him that. I know he doesn't want to loose me, but I still feel like he'd be better off not dealing with me. He's stressed out enough about things he doesn't tell me. It kills me that he waits till 11 to call me, then is watching TV when he des- then falls asleep within 30 minutes. It hasnt always been like this. if i knew itd be like this, i would have never gotten into it. I love him dearly, but I'm not willing to hurt for this forever. I'm sure things would be different if I was home, but I'm not...and I won't be for weeks, and then after 2 weeks, ill be back here for a month. That's 2 months before I have the prospect of beign happy again? and I don't want to change him, I don't want to be that girl who tells him how to be. He's wonderful just like he is- he's just not what I need right now, I guess. I want him to be. But things are never as perfect as I make them out to be- it's easier to be really happy than a little sad.
Atleast Jason thinks I'm normal. Fuck, its all I wanted SOMEONE, ANYONE to say. It's the only consoling thing anyone has said. He tells me everyone gets like this sometimes, and freaks out about shit.
I know Ray meant to help today too, but part of me thinks he's partially selfish when he gives me advice. Somehow, it kind of makes me feel special...it's a weird situation. I guess.
Not being able to control your own mind is a dangerous thing.