Interesting funny things....
The Very Secret Journal of Captain Jack Sparrow
By Bardess 2004
Day 1- Have had Pearl stolen by that insufferable fop, Barbossa, and mutinous crew. Also, have completely run out of waterproof eyeliner. Am v. v. put out.
Day 2- Have managed to make it to Port Royal ‘Pain’. Have been at sea WAY too long. Am now walking as if I am gayer than a bouquet of balloons. Well, I AM gayer than a bouquet of balloons, but that’s not the point.
Day 3- Tried to steal ship. Instead saved Governor’s daughter from drowning. Was really trying to save her nice dress but lack of oxygen impeded brain function. Prob. not my size anyway. LATER: Made stupendous escape. Did not smear makeup at all. GO ME!!
Day 4- In an effort to avoid capture, crossed swords with a v. pretty, bearded lady in the blacksmith’s shop. Was knocked unconscious by drunken smithy before could get her number. Am now imprisoned. Hoping for open-minded roomie with eyeliner fixation.
Day 5- Black Pearl in port. BASTARDS!! I mean, I JUST had that ship nicely redecorated and they switched it over to the grunge look! Honestly, that was SO five decades ago!! Why do those pansy ass ruffians have to act like a bunch of bloody pirates?.................... Oh right. They ARE pirates.
Day 6- V. pretty, bearded lady showed up to break me out of prison. Wait - she’s no lady. Tis Bootstrap Bill’s young whelp, Will Turner! Mmmm… wonder if he knows why we called his dad “Bootstrap”? Mayhap the nut didn’t fall far from the oak, savvey?
Day 7- Have stolen British ship. Found plenty decent eyeliner (and some v. interesting toys) in Commodore’s locker. YAY! Told Will his dad was a pirate. Will had complete hissy fit over THAT. (Can’t imagine what he’d say if I told him his dad liked being tied up and spanked by men who wear earrings.)
Day 8- Will droning on and on about his undying love for that Governor’s daughter, Elizabeth. Am so totally not buying it. Caught him trying on MY eyeliner. Daddie’s little boy, indeed!
Day 9- Saved the girl. Lost the medallion. Will Turner toast. Left on desert island with governor’s well-endowed daughter, 300 gallons of rum and one bullet. I wonder what MacGyver would do??
Day 10- Got completely wasted last night. Had a dream about being dressed up in frilly outfits by smoking, bearded ladies. Woke up to find rum barrels on fire and that silly bint, Elizabeth simpering. “I must save my true love, Will Turner.” Suspect it’s because I walk like a drag queen in v. cheap high heels. Still. Doing it 8 times over a rum barrel with v. macho metropolitan ME isn’t good enough for her? Whatever. But she ain’t getting her thong back.
Day 14- Saved by British Navy Commodore. All snippy with me when Gov. around but as soon as his back is turned it’s, ‘You never CALL. You never WRITE. You KNOW I can’t take that sort of rejection.” Then the whiny, overdressed, little git confiscated my thong. He ran his flag up my pole, but I never promised to salute, savvey?
Day 15- Gone after Capt. Barbossa AGAIN!! Will NOT fail this time. He is SO dead. Well, MORE dead than he already IS, savvey?
Day 16- Barbossa totally dead. YAY! Found tons of high quality loot. Can redecorate Pearl again! Will being SUCH a darling. Quick jaunt to Port Royal to stock up on hypo-allergenic cosmetics then OFF for a well-deserved foray of sailing into romantic sunset.
Day 17- Oh knickers! Have been sentenced to hang by jealous Commodore and uber-faggot Governor. Obstensibly because of past crimes, but rather suspect it’s really because they consider themselves the Port Royal Fashion Police. Bastards! Right! Remember this day! This was the day Capt. Jack Sparrow was well hung!
Day 18- Pretty boy Will risked his life and reputation to save me from the noose! Pretty, darling boy! Once we’re safely on the run together, will show young Turner the true meanings of ‘Swabbing the Deck’ and ‘Filling the Hold’.
Day 19- WTF??? Will pretending to WANT high maintenance, clotheshorse Elizabeth more than ME! Is obviously going for the benefits of being in ‘Society’. Shallow, little golddigger!! As if! First time he uses one of those fancy forks incorrectly, they’ll squash him like a bug. Besides, he could make a fortune in a few dirty weekends posing as a pretty, bearded lady for perverted, pirate fanciers, savvey? WHY is it nobody wants me, even tho I’m really hot? Mayhap because I insist on this daring ‘Tammy Fay” look?
Day 20- Will determined to become ‘respectable’. Am livid! Have sulkily returned to Pearl. Off to pillage, loot, hire interior decorator, etc. Shall absolutely refuse to do sequel unless I get to snog Turner properly.
The Very Secret Diary of William Turner, son of “Bootstrap Bill” Turner
By Bardess/Bardvahalla 2004
Day 1- Off to Governor Swann’s house to deliver sword. Am wearing steel chastity belt. Nearly didn’t escape his ‘wandering hands’ last time. Do all toffs who commission swords get that familiar with lowly apprentices?
Day 2- Miss Swann being V. familiar. (Takes after her father a bit.) She groped at my lowers and whispered, “Is that a steel chastity belt or are you just glad to see me?” Though she would be pleased to hear her first guess was right on, but she flounced away fuming for some reason.
Day 3- Blacksmith Brown v. drunk again. Keep trying to give me sloppy hickey. Keep telling him I am NOT a girl. Says he likes his lassies with a bit of facial hair. Was forced to hit him with mallet. Honest employment simply not worth it.
Day 4- Nasty pirate with cosmetic fetish challenged me to duel. Blacksmith Brown knocked him out while bellowing for the entire regiment to hear, “No one tries it with my scruffy, little chew-toy.” I am SO looking for another line of work.
Day 5- Elizabeth- I mean MISS Swann- kidnapped by semi-dead pirates! I feel compelled to save her honour. (Commodore was not exactly in a huge rush to save her. Kept looking toward the jail in dreamy-eyed fashion, hiding lowers with map. Why are military types are always hung up on paperwork?)
Day 6- Have broken Capt. Jack Sparrow out of jail. He has agreed to help me save El -er -Miss Swann in exchange for … well, I’m not exactly clear what he wants from me. Something about gravity and nuts and oak trees. Funny, he doesn’t seem the type interested in large hardwoods.
Day 7- We have stolen the Dauntless and the Interceptor. Commodore most annoyed. Threatened us with whippings, beatings and cabin boy service in the British Navy. Sparrow did not seem intimidated. In fact, seemed to want to turn ship around. Must be my imagination.
Day 8- Beard still not growing fast enough. Borrowed some eyeliner to thicken it up a bit. Sparrow noticed but said he was not buying my explanation. Told me daddy was a nasty pirate into the sort of accessories usually deemed for women. **Fingers in ears* LALALALALALALALALAAAA!!!
Day 9- Saved Elizabeth. Found medallion. Nearly drowned. (Eyeliner used on beard all washed away. Must use waterproof stuff next time.) LATER: Lost Medallion. At mercy of Capt. Barbossa. Elizabeth forced to strip before nasty pirates. Barbossa v. possessive of fancy dress. Are all pirates this obsessive about ladies apparel?
Day 10- Have been taken to pirate lair. V. boring waiting to be sacrificed. Tried on a few dresses to kill time. Honestly, the way this lot just STARES at me, like they’ve never seen a lightly bearded man in a woman’s sheer skivvies before.
Day 11- Wonder if Elizabeth misses me? Must be v. tedious stranded on island with Capt. Sparrow. Perhaps she’ll teach him to play cards or something. Barbossa most annoying. Keeps picking lock on my chastity belt.
Day 12- Saved by British Commodore. Made good on his threat. Shan’t be able to sit for a week. Why are British Navy Officers into so many sorts of spanking games? Deters mutiny? I’m not buying that!
Day 13- Capt. Sparrow offered me position on Black Pearl. Am considering. Beats going back to the drunken, grabby, smithy. Will get some respect as pirate. Besides, am kind of into wearing ladies outfits now. Will see if he throws in some waterproof eyeliner to seal deal. Later: Commodore acting v. odd with Sparrow. Wanted to see Sparrow’s Jolly Roger. Do not think he meant flag.
Day 14- Have saved Sparrow from gallows. No reason, really. Just felt like risking my life and reputation to save an uber-effeminate buccaneer with a nancing gait. Miss Swann, I mean, Elizabeth v. v. friendly suddenly. All “pirates are so tedious” and “Have I ever told you that you look great in taffeta?” Is suddenly v. keen to have me shave beard. Why?
Day 15 - Sparrow offering me life of adventure at sea as high end interior decorating apprentice. Elizabeth offering me high society marriage and all the girly clothes I want on land. Both suddenly wanting me to go to sleep-overs and try on make-up. Am confused. Both v. pretty, tho Elizabeth smells better. LATER: Have decided to go with Swann and not Sparrow. After all, a bird on the land is worth two in the tush.
Day 16- Sparrow all mopey. Complaining I don’t think he’s attractive enough, that he’s too happy about something, and a lot of other things I don’t quite understand. Who the hell is Tammy Fay, anyway? Silly pirate.
Day 17- Commodore sent note. Wants to throw me stag party aboard Dauntless. Promised lots of party games and salty snacks. Later: Mental note. Commodore is a very, very peculiar man. Avoid in future.
Day 18- Wedding:Night! Oh dear. Has ANYONE seen the key to my chastity belt?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....... wait, that's making FUN of Pirates of the Caribbean..... oh well... it's still funny!
