(no subject)
I feel like I'm a mess lately.
Anxiety is creeping in, a familiar relative that you just hate to see. I'm guzzling advil and caffeine like never before even though I'm trying to be careful about what else is going in there. I'm doing leg lifts and going horseback riding but spending hours playing Runescape with Jill because I miss her.
I miss a lot of people lately.
I miss Lindsay most of all. I don't know what she'd say to that, and I'm pretty sure I'm past the point of caring. I just know that I miss her. I miss her laugh, her quirkiness. I miss her insights and her caring. It makes something in my chest hurt to think about her so I don't do it that often. I wish we had gone so many more places, and done so much more together. I wish we had gone to the beach together, and kayaking in Canada. I wish I had taken her to the moss in Hedding, the place where the sun filters through the branches and you can just sit on the cushion that nature provides. I wish we had spent more time in Borders together, in the cafe there, talking about books. I wish we had gone to the Day Spa here in Keene. These are things that I wish we had done while we were still uber close. I can't imagine it being the same with anyone else.
I miss Jami. I miss feeling glamorous and intelligent with her. I miss goofing off with sunglasses while waiting for our caramel macchiatos. I miss hitting the beach, searching for sea shells and getting a tan. I wish we had opened up more to each other.
I miss Dan. I miss the way we used to care ridiculously about one another. I miss the unrealistic way we used to talk about the future. I miss believing that I can do anything, if he was just by my side. I miss being a trashy romance novel with him.
I miss my parents. I miss it.
I want to stop time lately.
Just stop.
Let me catch up.
I'm twenty-one. When did that happen? How can I make it stop? Seriously.
Stop. Let me catch up.
I feel like I'm falling behind.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I feel like I should be responsible and I'm far from it. I'm unstable and just a mess. Could you give me time to catch up and clean up and make everything right again? Where did I go so wrong?
I'm just not responsible at all. Other people can follow budgets, on money and on food, and I just can't. Other people have plans with careers and relationships, and I just don't.
This all sounds very depressing. I don't think I'm sad, but I was never really good at truly expressing my emotions. Anger hid fear, and anxiety hides depression?? I'm not sure. I just feel very nervous and anxious about everything in my life.
This is getting highly repetitive.
Perhaps I just don't want to come to terms with the fact that I'm now an adult. I didn't feel adult when I was eighteen, nineteen or twenty. It's creeping in now, the feeling of being an adult just like my familiar relative anxiety (the relative I hate). I want to talk and talk and talk.
I don't know.
Sunshine?
Brittany. This girl and I have gotten so close that it's ridiculous. Close but independent of each other. It's like no other friendship I have ever had. We can go days without speaking, but as soon as we do- we cling. No one quite understands us. We laugh about things that others do not get, and share this indescrible taste in stuff. Stuff such as shoes, home accessories, and food. We're taking over Amanda's apartment and living together next year. I am so excited. Our apartment is going to be fabulous.
Hedding. I can't wait to get there and spend days in the sunshine.
Argh I'm so stressed. I'm sorry I just can't think of the happiness in my life when I'm just so lost and stressed out. Stressed about school and work and the future. Most of the things that I just can't change. I'm scared.
I'm so scared.
Anxiety is creeping in, a familiar relative that you just hate to see. I'm guzzling advil and caffeine like never before even though I'm trying to be careful about what else is going in there. I'm doing leg lifts and going horseback riding but spending hours playing Runescape with Jill because I miss her.
I miss a lot of people lately.
I miss Lindsay most of all. I don't know what she'd say to that, and I'm pretty sure I'm past the point of caring. I just know that I miss her. I miss her laugh, her quirkiness. I miss her insights and her caring. It makes something in my chest hurt to think about her so I don't do it that often. I wish we had gone so many more places, and done so much more together. I wish we had gone to the beach together, and kayaking in Canada. I wish I had taken her to the moss in Hedding, the place where the sun filters through the branches and you can just sit on the cushion that nature provides. I wish we had spent more time in Borders together, in the cafe there, talking about books. I wish we had gone to the Day Spa here in Keene. These are things that I wish we had done while we were still uber close. I can't imagine it being the same with anyone else.
I miss Jami. I miss feeling glamorous and intelligent with her. I miss goofing off with sunglasses while waiting for our caramel macchiatos. I miss hitting the beach, searching for sea shells and getting a tan. I wish we had opened up more to each other.
I miss Dan. I miss the way we used to care ridiculously about one another. I miss the unrealistic way we used to talk about the future. I miss believing that I can do anything, if he was just by my side. I miss being a trashy romance novel with him.
I miss my parents. I miss it.
I want to stop time lately.
Just stop.
Let me catch up.
I'm twenty-one. When did that happen? How can I make it stop? Seriously.
Stop. Let me catch up.
I feel like I'm falling behind.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I feel like I should be responsible and I'm far from it. I'm unstable and just a mess. Could you give me time to catch up and clean up and make everything right again? Where did I go so wrong?
I'm just not responsible at all. Other people can follow budgets, on money and on food, and I just can't. Other people have plans with careers and relationships, and I just don't.
This all sounds very depressing. I don't think I'm sad, but I was never really good at truly expressing my emotions. Anger hid fear, and anxiety hides depression?? I'm not sure. I just feel very nervous and anxious about everything in my life.
This is getting highly repetitive.
Perhaps I just don't want to come to terms with the fact that I'm now an adult. I didn't feel adult when I was eighteen, nineteen or twenty. It's creeping in now, the feeling of being an adult just like my familiar relative anxiety (the relative I hate). I want to talk and talk and talk.
I don't know.
Sunshine?
Brittany. This girl and I have gotten so close that it's ridiculous. Close but independent of each other. It's like no other friendship I have ever had. We can go days without speaking, but as soon as we do- we cling. No one quite understands us. We laugh about things that others do not get, and share this indescrible taste in stuff. Stuff such as shoes, home accessories, and food. We're taking over Amanda's apartment and living together next year. I am so excited. Our apartment is going to be fabulous.
Hedding. I can't wait to get there and spend days in the sunshine.
Argh I'm so stressed. I'm sorry I just can't think of the happiness in my life when I'm just so lost and stressed out. Stressed about school and work and the future. Most of the things that I just can't change. I'm scared.
I'm so scared.