Depression? Maybe...I just can't take it anymore (a cry for help)
It's been a while since my last update. I really don't think I should be writing this one to tell you the truth. But even if I don't post it I still need to get some things off my chest.
Not everything in my life happening right now is bad. Accually i think the good may be out numbering the bad right now. But whats killing me is that the good that is going on in my life right now I can't speak of it to the one person I thought I could always speak to. I am so confused. Everyone I've talked to has said that I finally seem happy and I truelly think I have a chance to be happy but I can't be happy if I'm causing my friend pain. I have this really big problem with trying to make everyone happy and I know I can't make everyone happy but I just can't keep causing my friend worry. T says that I'm finally happy and I truely am, but when I have to keep my happiness from the one person who has brong about such change in me it just isn't worth it. But who can put a worth on happiess? Either hurt someone who means the world to me or hurt the one chance I have to be happy is what I face.
I've finally have faced the fact that some people aren't ment to be happy. It's killing me inside knowing that the two people who make me happy under diffent cercomstances would get along together well, but in real life I'm going to have choose. Knowing either way is a fail fail situation. I can cut it off and not know happiness or I can keep things going and keep hurting someone who means the world to me. Unless I can somehow get my friend to understand that the chances of me getting hurt from him would be the same under any other cercumstances I don't think I will ever be happy. And what kind of life can I have without happiness. Yeah he's 5 years older, yeah he has custady of his 2 year old, yeah I met him over the net, but yet if I can be a good person talking to others on the computer can't be be a good person talking to people on the net and how bad is it that wo good people met each other.
He makes me feel comfertable with who and how I am. Like my friend he doesn't try to change me, judge me, and exapts me for who I am. When I'm with him I feel almost as comfertable as I do with my friend. He doesn't pressure me into doing anything, Doesn't engage in elegal activities, and like her wouldn't want me to. Their the only two peopel in my life I feel I can be 100% me with. And they would probably get alone well with each other.
But she's a great person. Wouldn't want anything but the best for me and she's been there for me like a mother. She worrys about my grades and is proud of me when I do well. The problem she has is the net meeting part. Although I know many people who knows his character she doesn't trust it and beleives that one day I'm going to end up dead. I can understand why she thinks that.
I spend alot of time on my computer and I've met alot of ass holes on the net. There's not many genuinly good people on the net but I've met a few. A couple have become friends, but I only meet ones who I know people who know them, lives here, and have been talking to them for a while. But her worries all come down to her not wanting anything to happen to me and we've both heard about people getting kidnapped, killed, and raped from meeting people over the net, but reality is that even if I met someone at a grocery store or even at church there's still a fifty 50 chance that I could get kidnapped, raped, or killed. What garintee can I have that a person wont hurt me in any situation. That facts are that I don't go out to meet people, I don't alk to many people I meet right away, and I spend most my time on the computer. And what makes a person able to trust someone? Talking to them, getting to know there personality and what better way to know someone for who they are then by talking to them. But she does have a piont....anyone can be who ever they want to be over the computer, but like me why can't they just be them self.
In real life first impressions with me can be awkward. I'm some what shy talking to guys I like but over the computer they can't see how nervouse I am so I can be the real me. I can say whats on my mind without tripping over my toungue and most of all I can say exactly what I mean. I am truely myself over the computer. It's were I'm the most comfertable.
But Hey Like I said before it's a fail fail situation. What kind of life can I live if i can't be happy. All I want out of life is to be happy but I can't truely be happy hurting a friend, but on the other hand I can't live my life wondering why I'm alone.
But hey I just thought I would tell the world I was still breathing....somehow not perposly. Any suggestions you have that may be usefull feel free to share. I'm running out of strength for life's fuck ups and don't know if I can take much more of it.
Not everything in my life happening right now is bad. Accually i think the good may be out numbering the bad right now. But whats killing me is that the good that is going on in my life right now I can't speak of it to the one person I thought I could always speak to. I am so confused. Everyone I've talked to has said that I finally seem happy and I truelly think I have a chance to be happy but I can't be happy if I'm causing my friend pain. I have this really big problem with trying to make everyone happy and I know I can't make everyone happy but I just can't keep causing my friend worry. T says that I'm finally happy and I truely am, but when I have to keep my happiness from the one person who has brong about such change in me it just isn't worth it. But who can put a worth on happiess? Either hurt someone who means the world to me or hurt the one chance I have to be happy is what I face.
I've finally have faced the fact that some people aren't ment to be happy. It's killing me inside knowing that the two people who make me happy under diffent cercomstances would get along together well, but in real life I'm going to have choose. Knowing either way is a fail fail situation. I can cut it off and not know happiness or I can keep things going and keep hurting someone who means the world to me. Unless I can somehow get my friend to understand that the chances of me getting hurt from him would be the same under any other cercumstances I don't think I will ever be happy. And what kind of life can I have without happiness. Yeah he's 5 years older, yeah he has custady of his 2 year old, yeah I met him over the net, but yet if I can be a good person talking to others on the computer can't be be a good person talking to people on the net and how bad is it that wo good people met each other.
He makes me feel comfertable with who and how I am. Like my friend he doesn't try to change me, judge me, and exapts me for who I am. When I'm with him I feel almost as comfertable as I do with my friend. He doesn't pressure me into doing anything, Doesn't engage in elegal activities, and like her wouldn't want me to. Their the only two peopel in my life I feel I can be 100% me with. And they would probably get alone well with each other.
But she's a great person. Wouldn't want anything but the best for me and she's been there for me like a mother. She worrys about my grades and is proud of me when I do well. The problem she has is the net meeting part. Although I know many people who knows his character she doesn't trust it and beleives that one day I'm going to end up dead. I can understand why she thinks that.
I spend alot of time on my computer and I've met alot of ass holes on the net. There's not many genuinly good people on the net but I've met a few. A couple have become friends, but I only meet ones who I know people who know them, lives here, and have been talking to them for a while. But her worries all come down to her not wanting anything to happen to me and we've both heard about people getting kidnapped, killed, and raped from meeting people over the net, but reality is that even if I met someone at a grocery store or even at church there's still a fifty 50 chance that I could get kidnapped, raped, or killed. What garintee can I have that a person wont hurt me in any situation. That facts are that I don't go out to meet people, I don't alk to many people I meet right away, and I spend most my time on the computer. And what makes a person able to trust someone? Talking to them, getting to know there personality and what better way to know someone for who they are then by talking to them. But she does have a piont....anyone can be who ever they want to be over the computer, but like me why can't they just be them self.
In real life first impressions with me can be awkward. I'm some what shy talking to guys I like but over the computer they can't see how nervouse I am so I can be the real me. I can say whats on my mind without tripping over my toungue and most of all I can say exactly what I mean. I am truely myself over the computer. It's were I'm the most comfertable.
But Hey Like I said before it's a fail fail situation. What kind of life can I live if i can't be happy. All I want out of life is to be happy but I can't truely be happy hurting a friend, but on the other hand I can't live my life wondering why I'm alone.
But hey I just thought I would tell the world I was still breathing....somehow not perposly. Any suggestions you have that may be usefull feel free to share. I'm running out of strength for life's fuck ups and don't know if I can take much more of it.