still lost.. find me?
still on shawn's puter. yup. well mine is looking better, shawn and dennis worked on it last night. while they looked at pornos on shawns.. hah.. and bubba came down for a bit. and dennis picked on him. i hope it isnt to late to call off work for the 21st. it's a sunday. me and shawn are going to go and see the grudge and something else and go to his mom's too. and it's our anniversary. 22 months.. omg. long long time. and ahh.. love. yesterday when we went up to his grandfathers his grandpa was like when are you two getting married.. we laughed.. when will we.. who knows. but i think we'll go some place awesome for our honeymoon. haaha. last night he told me i'm his only, and if he had a car we'd definitly get our own place. it felt so good. and haha, he also told me that he loves me more and more but he's just tired. =) i laughed. it felt kind good cause he's like tired.. not really not loving me. idk. explain it another time. ..haha.
well i'm going to take a shower. i think. wait, yeah i will. and then i might do laundry. cause i have been doing laundry the past few days. but we keep getting dirty clothes. uh. dirtyness. lol. but i wont do like whites cause there are like a pair of socks of mine and a pair or two of shawn's. so that can wait. i'll do a small load of colors. hahah.. listen to me go on and on. ew. haha.
well 1150 - shower.
1215. back.
i have work at 6.. suckie. it's ok. cause then shawn will have time to chill himself.
ohmyfuckinggod.killmenow.rightwhereistand! my dad called my and i shouldnt of answered it. oh god shot me now. 1230. skjdsggiudsfklSDNKDSKJBHDJfgeijhugfjkadshuidguifgbnjadfgliaglijhfdihjsadg fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.. !!#$%^&*%^
well it's about 310 now. i talked to my dad for a little bit longer then he came down to take me to lunch, we went to chinese, so i didnt eat much cause of my stomach. he called linda. and like told her to break it off with my mom. idk. doesnt matter to me. then around 220 i came back to the house, called shawn and decided to go for a walk. i took ziggy/stoner with me. we walked all the way to tHill. and some boy was sitting outside so he held stoner/ziggy while i ran inside to buy milk cause of course there wasnt any in the house. it was a good walk. nice. now i am hot though. a little sweaty. ew. i should take a shower. quick. hmm. i think i might. idk. well. my eyes hurt. i could take a nap. i think i might do that instead. i have a headache too. i called my mom crying. idk.
i feel like there's something inside of me that is missing. as of right now i am not spending christmas with my family. i cant take them. not all at once. and it kills me to say that. god i need help. please. i just wish someone would say.. listen this is what you have to do and say and feel and act.. grr. and shawn has been thoguh something like this before with his parents. and like he tries to help me but i just dont get it. and lauren sais things will need time.. how much thou. i cant do this forever. and it seems like it would go on until the end of time because they just dont stop. my mom is still inlove with linda and wants to be with her. she's staying at the house cause she feels sorry for my father who cant depend on himself, my sister and brother are lost in my fathers tears and speaches. it seems like everything is fake. and then there is me. i'm not crazy, i dont love another woman, i am not on any side and i dont hate either one of my parents.. well i dont like them but i dont hate them. i feel as if i am stuck with them and i am not really in that family. what do you do when something like this happens.. what am i supposed to do? and my father yells at me and curses and tells me i should know what to do and i should be on a fucking side, his fucking side. well i'm not. and i never will be. i'm not even on my side cause i dont know what to think or say. actually.. when i try to think about it.. like sit down alone and think i cant. like the things dont want to go through my mind. i'm lost in my own head.. grrr. actually i think i might not really care too much about it. whats wrong with me.. anyone..? i feel as if i am screaming into a crowd and no one can hear me. but miles away shawn's right there waving at me and all i can do is look. he's my life. and he's pretty much all i care about, some friends thrown in there. but most of my friends.. ahh, dont talk to me much. idk. but its okay. i still care about them. and friends that used to be friends, that really arent anymore. i care. dont know why, but i do. i would never turn anyone down if they asked me for help. never. ahh.. shut up amanda. you're gay.
bye.