i need myself to be okay...
why dont i.. huh. i should. but i cant so i'll sit here and think of a place i can go to actually feel safe and comfortable. i have nothing and i have no place to stay. i should leave. i should. i know you want me to. you cant stand to have me around anymore. i'm sorry for that. i should just get my things and walk away. but then i will be left with nothing. even though i am a big nothingness. i cant wait until next tuesday. i cant wait to talk to someone. i want someone to listen to me. i want to be able to tell someone what i am going through and them have the answers. i want to be able to listen to someone speak to me and about my problems without being mean or 'telling it how is it' .. or just no listening or talking to me at all .. i get the worst headaches when i think like this. and the worst pains.
my chest feels like i have a ton of bricks on it. and my airways tighen up. i cant breathe or speak. i wish it was so loud.. or i can blast the radio so i can scream and cry. i want to go for a walk. i think i might, i need to think. i'll take the dog with me. i'm scared alone, in the dark. i hate myself. i do. i want to cry so bad. it hurts to hold it in.
and another thing. i know you are stil upset for what they've both done to you. i wish you'd get over it and realize that I am here for you and i love you more than anything. but it doesnt matter, it upsets you. and you dont talk to me and i dont know what to say to you. i'm lost. and speechless.
i am going for a walk. with the dog. i have a headache. and starting to tear. =/ .. here i go, scream my lungs out.. and you cant hear me.