I have no idea what to put here--other than I can't sleep
Linds here. Thought I'd drop a note, seeing as neither Ben nor I have been home much the last few days. We've been busy running around and buying new stuff for my place. *grins* Yeah yeah, my place...
Ben picked out a great new comforter, kind of a deep burgundy and blue and gold stripe, some matching bathroom rugs and a shower curtain. A rug for the bedroom floor. And some curtains. And sheets, and some new pillows and you know other stuff like that. The guy's always dressed pretty wild but when it comes to pulling a look together for a room, he does a great job. *laughs* He also picked out a chair, a nice big comfy one big enough for two. We were able to salvage enough of the stuff from the other place to rebuild a stereo system, so now we have everything two guys could possibly need. Even a refrigerator. That was my idea.
Um, what else? Not much going on, been busy playing with Darren and Daniel's guest, C. She's fun. Have had a good time, but we bowed out of doing anything today with anyone, to spend some time together. What with the restaurant and all that's been going on, we haven't had much time to talk. And every time we do start to talk for some reason we end up not talking. We end up, well, you know. I'm starting to get kind of flustered about that little fact about me and Ben--either we're with other people, so we can't talk, or when we're alone, we're in bed, and can't talk. Or it's just not the right time to talk.
It's been kind of eating me, this tendency of ours to spend so much time in bed, not sleeping, I mean. I guess it's the fault of that boyfriend test that Darren and Daniel posted the other day on kissdivine. It really made me think how much I don't know about Ben. I mean, yeah, we've known each other for awhile, but there's some things I don't know about him. Haven't done with him. Yeah, we've added a few to the list--I do know he likes candles, (thanks, Karl) and we sure as hell had fun at the theater. We've added a couple other things to that part of the list as well but I won't go into that. *laughs* But I still have all these questions. I want to know answers to things Ben hasn't or won't talk to me about, but every time I want to bring it up, I chicken out and end up naked. *sighs* What is it, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
I want to know if Ben's told the others about me--about him. His band mates. The guys with Ocianic. His family. His other friends, outside of those here in Sausalito. He's got a whole world in LA I know nothing about. I've told everyone I know about him, but I have no idea, no idea at all, if he's done the same. I'm such an open person, to my family and friends and even strangers, I just want to know how he feels about it all. If he's told anyone about me...
Or if he is going to.
Gosh, I just went back, didn't realize how long this had gotten, so I guess I'm gonna cut it, you can read on if you really want to.
Like last night. Perfect opportunity. Just the two of us, everything was all fixed up, and we'd just hung the shower curtain. The big question was on the tip of my tongue, but he has this way of sensing I've got something on my mind. I think he knows what it is, too--he's dropped hints the last day or so about needing to run back to LA a few nights a week but nothing concrete yet. I've tried not to ask pesky questions. Does he want me to go with him? Does he want me to stay? I've got the restaurant now, helping Karl with all that, so staying is fine. I just... *sad smile* I want to know.
Now seemed the perfect time to ask.
"Ben?"
"Yeah, Linds?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Almost done?"
I was stretched up, fixing the last of the rings for the shower into place, when I felt Ben's hands on my waist. Yeah, I'd taken off my shirt some time ago--we had all the windows open, and it was kind of warm. I sucked in my breath at the feel of his hands on my bare skin, skirting up my stomach--he's got the best hands. Rough, long fingers that spread over my waist, tickled my ribs. I couldn't help it. I shivered, and he chuckled as he pulled me to him. Turned me around. Kissed me.
I swear he did it on purpose. Knew what I was going to ask, what had been bugging me for days. But as I always did, I totally lost all capability of thought. Easy to do considering he'd somehow, without me figuring out how he did it, pulled my shorts down over my hips and onto the floor.
"What are you doing?" I asked, breathless as he pulled away, his hand still on my hip though, and turned on the faucet.
"Taking care of that one item on the boyfriend list."
I sucked in my breath, felt a thrill run through me. And now I couldn’t do it. I couldn't ask him if he was ever going to tell any of his band mates about me. When he looked up at me, flicked the shower on, I found I really didn’t care so much right then.
"Don't make it too hot," was all I said.
He nodded, then satisfied with the temperature, pulled me to him again. There's nothing more guaranteed to get me hard than standing naked in Ben's arms, and him dressed, his hands on my backside, his fingers playing with my arse, searching for that place where he knew I wanted his his fingers, his cock, to be. I melted against him, melting into his kiss as his tongue entered my mouth as his fingers played my backside. I squirmed against him, my breath coming in quick gasps. not fair, he's not playing fair I thought. Everytime, it happened everytime and everytime I became what he wanted, his snuggle bug, ready to give him everything he wanted. Once again, I didn't care.
I've seen the guys talk, speculate about me and Ben. Yeah, we pretty much trade position, but I'd started to get to the point where I like being bottom the most. Ben and I are almost eye to eye--he's just a little taller than me, weighs about 25 lbs more than me. Just a little older than me. Not much. We're pretty equal, in other words. But I'm liking that slight advantage he has over me, especially when it comes to our roles in bed. I guess I'm kind of like Karl in this--I like giving myself to my lover. Except I'm thinking by liking it so much, we end up having sex more than talking, but here I was again, wanting to talk and he wanted sex and what does my body do, but want sex, too? Of course it does.
I watched Ben as he took off his clothes, the shower steaming the room, steaming me. He chucked his clothes aside and came to me again, capturing my mouth with his, cradling my face, making my body ache to be touched by him and he wasn't doing it. He kissed me slow and lazily, harder this time, I could tell by how intense his kisses became that he was getting more and more aroused. His hands smoothed up and down my sides, teasingly close to my dick, brushing against it so slightly I cried out softly in protest.
He pulled away, lifted my chin with his hand so I'd look at him, said "Linds--" and I was lost.
I yanked him to me, whimpered into his mouth, wanting to touch him so bad, so I did, cradling his cock, holding it against my own, stroking both of us as his tongue and mine danced and we smashed our bodies together, rutting against each other. He pulled his head back and closed his eyes as I continued stroking him, mating our dicks in my hands. I leaned to him, kissing his neck, his chest, barely able to concentrate on what I was doing, I was so excited, and so excited over how excited he was getting. He dropped his head on my shoulder, his breath coming in gasps and I did the same to him, our cheeks pressed together, both of us watching what I was doing with our dicks. His hand joined mine and it was incredible, both our hands around both our dicks and I felt the first major threat of explosion.
"We're never going to make it to the shower," he whispered hoarsely, pressing against me.
Yeah we are." I tugged on him, like his dick was a leash and he laughed and we got into the shower. Realized, there was no soap, though there was a new bottle of coconut shampoo. My favorite.
"Did you buy this for me?" I asked him, snapping the top open.
He turned me to where I was standing in the water, ran his hands through my hair to get it all wet, our hips pushed together like we were already joined there. He kissed me again and I kissed him back, pulling his chest to mine. He took the bottle of shampoo from me and opened it while still kissing me, then pouring some in his hands. And then, he washed my hair. All my hair. And I did the same for him, laughing as I made his hair stand up in bubbly spikes and he did the same to mine.
I breathed the scent of our shampoo in and sighed. "This smells so good."
"Aphrodisiac."
"What, coconut?" I asked. And he nodded, said, "Yeah. Can't you tell?"
I looked at us, covered in bubbles, our dicks waving at each other and laughed. "Yeah. I can tell."
We stood under the water then, arms around each other, letting it stream all over us, wet hot and slick, our arousals trapped between us.
"Let's get out," he said, and I nodded, and said, "Okay."
We got out of the shower. I made the mistake of turning my back to Ben and he flicked me with his towel then ran out of the bathroom.
"Hey!" I yelled, chasing after him. He dove onto the bed and I followed, tackling him, forcing him onto his back and straddling him. We were both still soaking wet and hot from the shower and he still had some bubbles in his hair. I laughed, but my laughter died as I looked down at him, and I wanted him so bad to be inside me that when I looked at his face, into his eyes, watched his laughter fade to hunger, I did something I never have before. Still pinning his hands down, giving myself the control he knew I still needed, I scooted back until I felt his dick nudging my backside. Raw, no condom, for the first time. We'd already agreed on this, my last test was clear, and I wanted to feel him inside me so bad, I couldn't wait anymore. It was gonna be now.
His eyes widened in comprehension. "Linds, careful--"
"I'm okay. I want this." I searched his face, looking for answers to all my questions, finding at least the answer to this one. He wanted it, too.
Then, closing my eyes, I angled myself until I had the tip of his cock right where I wanted it. Slick only with water, it would have to be enough. I stuck my fingers in my mouth, slicking them--he pulled them from me and with a wink put them in his own mouth, suckling on them, making me grin. I reached back, added our little extra moisture to the situation and I groaned as I slowly speared myself on him, panting at the wonderful pain of what I was doing to myself. He arched back, another groan coming from him, too, his hands breaking from me, holding me around my waist.
"I can't hold back, Linds--"
"Don't then."
And he didn't. As I pushed down he pushed up, making me cry out--I looked at him, made sure he understood I was okay, I was all right--he's so worried now about hurting me, scaring me, but I was the one in control and he was right where I wanted him. I pulled my legs up, crouching down, pushing myself down until he was full inside me. I rocked back and forth, riding him, one of his hands holding onto me, the other pumping my dick, I was almost in tears it felt so wonderful, so incredibly wonderful sensual and shameless. Totally shameless. It didn't last long though--I couldn't hold myself back anymore than he could.
"Look at me," he demanded and I did, crying out loud enough to rival Karl as I spilled hot into his hand, unable to hold back anymore. I collapsed on top of him, riding my waves, smothering his face with kisses as he stroked my back, groaning as he built up his passion, his fingers digging into my back, me loving the pleasure-pain of, wanting to have marks on me when it was over. "Oh shit, Linds," he said, his voice hoarse. I kissed him, hard, biting his lip and he biting mine in our excitement as we rocked back and forth in the bed, our bodies pressed hard and tight to each other like we were glued together as he finally came.
It was fucking incredible.
Our breath came in gasps as he slowly descended. I tucked my face into the hollow of his neck as he pulled the blankets up over us, me still crouched on top of him, snuggled on top of him, he still deep inside me. I didn't want to move, didn't want to think. Couldn’t think. So when he whispered, asked, "What did you want to ask me?" I said, "Nothing. It doesn't matter."
I'm too afraid to ruin it. That I'll screw up what we've got building between us, this fragile trust in each other that we're building. Too scared that he'll feel pressured, forced to say something he doesn't want to say, maybe just isn't ready to say, so I won't ask him, not now. Maybe later. Maybe when I'm not so scared of losing this...
Of losing him.
Because I am scared. Very scared. And it frightens me how scared I am of losing him. It's too new, too beautiful, too incredible to believe this is happening to someone like me, that I can't hardly believe it is. So no I won't take the risk, not yet. Not until I'm sure he really does see me as more than a pleasant moment of his time.
Linds
Ben picked out a great new comforter, kind of a deep burgundy and blue and gold stripe, some matching bathroom rugs and a shower curtain. A rug for the bedroom floor. And some curtains. And sheets, and some new pillows and you know other stuff like that. The guy's always dressed pretty wild but when it comes to pulling a look together for a room, he does a great job. *laughs* He also picked out a chair, a nice big comfy one big enough for two. We were able to salvage enough of the stuff from the other place to rebuild a stereo system, so now we have everything two guys could possibly need. Even a refrigerator. That was my idea.
Um, what else? Not much going on, been busy playing with Darren and Daniel's guest, C. She's fun. Have had a good time, but we bowed out of doing anything today with anyone, to spend some time together. What with the restaurant and all that's been going on, we haven't had much time to talk. And every time we do start to talk for some reason we end up not talking. We end up, well, you know. I'm starting to get kind of flustered about that little fact about me and Ben--either we're with other people, so we can't talk, or when we're alone, we're in bed, and can't talk. Or it's just not the right time to talk.
It's been kind of eating me, this tendency of ours to spend so much time in bed, not sleeping, I mean. I guess it's the fault of that boyfriend test that Darren and Daniel posted the other day on kissdivine. It really made me think how much I don't know about Ben. I mean, yeah, we've known each other for awhile, but there's some things I don't know about him. Haven't done with him. Yeah, we've added a few to the list--I do know he likes candles, (thanks, Karl) and we sure as hell had fun at the theater. We've added a couple other things to that part of the list as well but I won't go into that. *laughs* But I still have all these questions. I want to know answers to things Ben hasn't or won't talk to me about, but every time I want to bring it up, I chicken out and end up naked. *sighs* What is it, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
I want to know if Ben's told the others about me--about him. His band mates. The guys with Ocianic. His family. His other friends, outside of those here in Sausalito. He's got a whole world in LA I know nothing about. I've told everyone I know about him, but I have no idea, no idea at all, if he's done the same. I'm such an open person, to my family and friends and even strangers, I just want to know how he feels about it all. If he's told anyone about me...
Or if he is going to.
Gosh, I just went back, didn't realize how long this had gotten, so I guess I'm gonna cut it, you can read on if you really want to.
Like last night. Perfect opportunity. Just the two of us, everything was all fixed up, and we'd just hung the shower curtain. The big question was on the tip of my tongue, but he has this way of sensing I've got something on my mind. I think he knows what it is, too--he's dropped hints the last day or so about needing to run back to LA a few nights a week but nothing concrete yet. I've tried not to ask pesky questions. Does he want me to go with him? Does he want me to stay? I've got the restaurant now, helping Karl with all that, so staying is fine. I just... *sad smile* I want to know.
Now seemed the perfect time to ask.
"Ben?"
"Yeah, Linds?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Almost done?"
I was stretched up, fixing the last of the rings for the shower into place, when I felt Ben's hands on my waist. Yeah, I'd taken off my shirt some time ago--we had all the windows open, and it was kind of warm. I sucked in my breath at the feel of his hands on my bare skin, skirting up my stomach--he's got the best hands. Rough, long fingers that spread over my waist, tickled my ribs. I couldn't help it. I shivered, and he chuckled as he pulled me to him. Turned me around. Kissed me.
I swear he did it on purpose. Knew what I was going to ask, what had been bugging me for days. But as I always did, I totally lost all capability of thought. Easy to do considering he'd somehow, without me figuring out how he did it, pulled my shorts down over my hips and onto the floor.
"What are you doing?" I asked, breathless as he pulled away, his hand still on my hip though, and turned on the faucet.
"Taking care of that one item on the boyfriend list."
I sucked in my breath, felt a thrill run through me. And now I couldn’t do it. I couldn't ask him if he was ever going to tell any of his band mates about me. When he looked up at me, flicked the shower on, I found I really didn’t care so much right then.
"Don't make it too hot," was all I said.
He nodded, then satisfied with the temperature, pulled me to him again. There's nothing more guaranteed to get me hard than standing naked in Ben's arms, and him dressed, his hands on my backside, his fingers playing with my arse, searching for that place where he knew I wanted his his fingers, his cock, to be. I melted against him, melting into his kiss as his tongue entered my mouth as his fingers played my backside. I squirmed against him, my breath coming in quick gasps. not fair, he's not playing fair I thought. Everytime, it happened everytime and everytime I became what he wanted, his snuggle bug, ready to give him everything he wanted. Once again, I didn't care.
I've seen the guys talk, speculate about me and Ben. Yeah, we pretty much trade position, but I'd started to get to the point where I like being bottom the most. Ben and I are almost eye to eye--he's just a little taller than me, weighs about 25 lbs more than me. Just a little older than me. Not much. We're pretty equal, in other words. But I'm liking that slight advantage he has over me, especially when it comes to our roles in bed. I guess I'm kind of like Karl in this--I like giving myself to my lover. Except I'm thinking by liking it so much, we end up having sex more than talking, but here I was again, wanting to talk and he wanted sex and what does my body do, but want sex, too? Of course it does.
I watched Ben as he took off his clothes, the shower steaming the room, steaming me. He chucked his clothes aside and came to me again, capturing my mouth with his, cradling my face, making my body ache to be touched by him and he wasn't doing it. He kissed me slow and lazily, harder this time, I could tell by how intense his kisses became that he was getting more and more aroused. His hands smoothed up and down my sides, teasingly close to my dick, brushing against it so slightly I cried out softly in protest.
He pulled away, lifted my chin with his hand so I'd look at him, said "Linds--" and I was lost.
I yanked him to me, whimpered into his mouth, wanting to touch him so bad, so I did, cradling his cock, holding it against my own, stroking both of us as his tongue and mine danced and we smashed our bodies together, rutting against each other. He pulled his head back and closed his eyes as I continued stroking him, mating our dicks in my hands. I leaned to him, kissing his neck, his chest, barely able to concentrate on what I was doing, I was so excited, and so excited over how excited he was getting. He dropped his head on my shoulder, his breath coming in gasps and I did the same to him, our cheeks pressed together, both of us watching what I was doing with our dicks. His hand joined mine and it was incredible, both our hands around both our dicks and I felt the first major threat of explosion.
"We're never going to make it to the shower," he whispered hoarsely, pressing against me.
Yeah we are." I tugged on him, like his dick was a leash and he laughed and we got into the shower. Realized, there was no soap, though there was a new bottle of coconut shampoo. My favorite.
"Did you buy this for me?" I asked him, snapping the top open.
He turned me to where I was standing in the water, ran his hands through my hair to get it all wet, our hips pushed together like we were already joined there. He kissed me again and I kissed him back, pulling his chest to mine. He took the bottle of shampoo from me and opened it while still kissing me, then pouring some in his hands. And then, he washed my hair. All my hair. And I did the same for him, laughing as I made his hair stand up in bubbly spikes and he did the same to mine.
I breathed the scent of our shampoo in and sighed. "This smells so good."
"Aphrodisiac."
"What, coconut?" I asked. And he nodded, said, "Yeah. Can't you tell?"
I looked at us, covered in bubbles, our dicks waving at each other and laughed. "Yeah. I can tell."
We stood under the water then, arms around each other, letting it stream all over us, wet hot and slick, our arousals trapped between us.
"Let's get out," he said, and I nodded, and said, "Okay."
We got out of the shower. I made the mistake of turning my back to Ben and he flicked me with his towel then ran out of the bathroom.
"Hey!" I yelled, chasing after him. He dove onto the bed and I followed, tackling him, forcing him onto his back and straddling him. We were both still soaking wet and hot from the shower and he still had some bubbles in his hair. I laughed, but my laughter died as I looked down at him, and I wanted him so bad to be inside me that when I looked at his face, into his eyes, watched his laughter fade to hunger, I did something I never have before. Still pinning his hands down, giving myself the control he knew I still needed, I scooted back until I felt his dick nudging my backside. Raw, no condom, for the first time. We'd already agreed on this, my last test was clear, and I wanted to feel him inside me so bad, I couldn't wait anymore. It was gonna be now.
His eyes widened in comprehension. "Linds, careful--"
"I'm okay. I want this." I searched his face, looking for answers to all my questions, finding at least the answer to this one. He wanted it, too.
Then, closing my eyes, I angled myself until I had the tip of his cock right where I wanted it. Slick only with water, it would have to be enough. I stuck my fingers in my mouth, slicking them--he pulled them from me and with a wink put them in his own mouth, suckling on them, making me grin. I reached back, added our little extra moisture to the situation and I groaned as I slowly speared myself on him, panting at the wonderful pain of what I was doing to myself. He arched back, another groan coming from him, too, his hands breaking from me, holding me around my waist.
"I can't hold back, Linds--"
"Don't then."
And he didn't. As I pushed down he pushed up, making me cry out--I looked at him, made sure he understood I was okay, I was all right--he's so worried now about hurting me, scaring me, but I was the one in control and he was right where I wanted him. I pulled my legs up, crouching down, pushing myself down until he was full inside me. I rocked back and forth, riding him, one of his hands holding onto me, the other pumping my dick, I was almost in tears it felt so wonderful, so incredibly wonderful sensual and shameless. Totally shameless. It didn't last long though--I couldn't hold myself back anymore than he could.
"Look at me," he demanded and I did, crying out loud enough to rival Karl as I spilled hot into his hand, unable to hold back anymore. I collapsed on top of him, riding my waves, smothering his face with kisses as he stroked my back, groaning as he built up his passion, his fingers digging into my back, me loving the pleasure-pain of, wanting to have marks on me when it was over. "Oh shit, Linds," he said, his voice hoarse. I kissed him, hard, biting his lip and he biting mine in our excitement as we rocked back and forth in the bed, our bodies pressed hard and tight to each other like we were glued together as he finally came.
It was fucking incredible.
Our breath came in gasps as he slowly descended. I tucked my face into the hollow of his neck as he pulled the blankets up over us, me still crouched on top of him, snuggled on top of him, he still deep inside me. I didn't want to move, didn't want to think. Couldn’t think. So when he whispered, asked, "What did you want to ask me?" I said, "Nothing. It doesn't matter."
I'm too afraid to ruin it. That I'll screw up what we've got building between us, this fragile trust in each other that we're building. Too scared that he'll feel pressured, forced to say something he doesn't want to say, maybe just isn't ready to say, so I won't ask him, not now. Maybe later. Maybe when I'm not so scared of losing this...
Of losing him.
Because I am scared. Very scared. And it frightens me how scared I am of losing him. It's too new, too beautiful, too incredible to believe this is happening to someone like me, that I can't hardly believe it is. So no I won't take the risk, not yet. Not until I'm sure he really does see me as more than a pleasant moment of his time.
Linds