And the beat goes on
Life trudges along and I trudge with it. Today was nice because I was supposed to work an 11-10 shift, but thanks to stormy weather I got to go home a little after 6 o'clock which I was more than ready and willing to do. Now I'm chilling in my room on my new laptop. I passed the big hurdle of the summer which was seeing James with his new whore fuck buddy at Sara's the other day. There was a huge thing at Sara's house on Memorial Day and just about everyone came which meant that James and Allison were both there. It wasn't as awkward as it might have been because there were a lot of people there and we were playing a big group game (which was pretty funny). I had to bite my tongue a few times because Allison is just so damn hilarious. I think my favorite ditzy/stupid Allison moment was when we were playing the game and someone mispronounced the word Geisha and Allison flipped out about it because she's half Japanese so therefore that makes her the absolute authority on everything Japanese and any disrespect or error just pushes her buttons (I filed that away for later just in case I should ever need to push those particular buttons *evil smirk*). So Allison is flipping out and I couldn't help but think to myself that it was just so fitting that she of all people would know the correct pronunciation for the Japanese word for whore. Someone else decided to set her off when they put down Japan when given the adjective "primitive", I put down rappers but I would have paid money to have had that card to be able to piss her off without doing a damn thing. When I first saw the bitch I was ignoring her until she strode over to me and hugged me from behind (note to self: have possibly contracted all sorts of nasty diseases from that one touch and now must be checked out just in case). She asked me how I was and when I said good had the nerve to be like "Oh really." Stupid bitch, if I wasn't ok you would be the last person on the planet earth I would ever talk to about it. In fact, I think I'd cut out my tongue rather than speak to you about any problem I may have. Another tradition Allison seems to hold up gladly is telling anyone and everyone who will listen about her and Will, me and Will, and how she is so ok with it all. If you are so ok with it then you don't fucking need to talk about it anymore ok bitch? I say these things here so I won't have to explode and yell at her. To let her know that she is as irritating as hell would make her think that I gave a shit either way which I don't. If she wants to whore herself out to my ex that is her choice. They are perfect for each other really, the dominating bitch and the clingy physical puppy dog who wants someone to tell him every thought and move to make. I hope they make each other miserable. I dunno, it all just kind of annoys me...it isn't that I want James back because I knew that wasn't going to work a long time ago, but more that they could have ended in a much more mature and friendly manner. At this point he doesn't even talk to me at all which is better than calling me every thirty minutes like he used to, but at the same time he wasn't a completely bad guy and when he was with me devoted would be an understatement. Loyalty and devotion are really nice things, don't get me wrong there, but when you lather them on too much it can make for a really suffocating combination. A week into our relationship I had a nickname, several calls a day, he was already buying stuff for me or family members, and whenever he was around me it was like he had to be touching me all the time as if to prove that we were together to himself and everyone else. It made me want to turn on my heel and run far away. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that prom is the main reason that I didn't...that and the fact that I thought I might be able to somehow make the relationship last through most of the summer then just kind of dump him before I went off to school. The more I thought about that plan though, the more guilty I felt about it and in the end I really couldn't go through with it because then I'd be one of those girls who is dating just to be with someone and is just using a guy to meet her "needs". Also, James wanted me to hold the reigns in the relationship and I really wasn't cool with that. The whole thing makes me feel tired and vaguely annoyed yet a bit sad too. I think I focus on all this stuff because it gives me something else to think about rather than college and what exactly I'm planning on doing with the rest of my life which are just really scary and worrisome things for me to think about. I've always thought I would be a writer...that that's who I am and what I do, but more and more I feel like I'm complete crap at it and that if I stake too much on that dream I'm going to end up living in a box somewhere. Sometimes I just feel like I don't know enough or haven't experienced enough to write something that really effects people or that would really make any difference at all. It scares me to think that a dream that I've had for so long may just be a wispy fantasy that I'm grabbing at. At this point I'm going to head off to bed...too many deep, complex answerless questions too late at night for someone too tired to come up with anything worthwhile as a solution.