Silence is a text easy to misread.
I could just... cry. But I've been doing way too much of that lately, so I'll vent instead.
Three of my uncles have cancer. Two have colon cancer, and the other has pancreatic cancer. I... ugh. There's so much drama and emotion and crazy crap stemming from this that I don't even know where to begin. It spans both sides of my family and just... it's messy. And, since I really don't want to talk about it, I'm just going to say that it sucks and leave it at that.
Mom had surgery today. It went as well as could be expected, but she called me once she got home... and she was crying... and in pain... and I just don't know how much more of this I can take. It's pretty damn selfish of me to be thinking of my own well-being while she's the one in pain, but we've been dealing with this for a long ass time. Her health started deteriorating when I was in middle school. She's had a major surgery nearly every year (usually multiple times a year) for the last decade. I know that I need to be strong for her, but I just... I want to be able to go with her with my problems without worrying about how it's going to affect her mood, her health, her stress level.
The wedding might not be happening. Jon's work laid off seventeen people today. Seventeen. This is a tiny town, and laying off seventeen people is a pretty big deal. The section that Jon works in will be busy through the end of this year, but after that... they don't know. So we don't want to spend all this money on a wedding if he's not going to have steady work next year. But... at the same time, if you don't risk anything, then you're never going to do anything at all. And yes, I know that I could have a cheaper wedding, but I won't. I have given up and given out on every single fucking thing that I dreamed about when I was a kid. All of my dreams have gone down the drain. This is the one thing I have left. And if I can't do it right, the way that I've dreamed about, then I'm just not going to do it.
I took a pretty long break from online stuff. And I've lost a few friends because of it. I feel shitty about that, yeah, but the thing is that I just... need to disappear from time to time. It's not something limited to my online world. When I was in my funk over the last few weeks, I didn't talk to anyone besides my son. I wouldn't talk to Jon. I wouldn't answer the phone. I told my mom not to stop by. I just... it's shitty, but it's the way I am. I don't claim to be perfect. For everyone who was there for me when I came back: Thank you. For everyone who couldn't take it any more: I'll miss you.
One thing that my "break" showed me was that I needed to put my priorities in order. I was doing things for the wrong reasons... and I wasn't doing a lot of things that I really needed to do. Like sleep. So, I'm fixing my schedule, and I'm switching back to a life that isn't centered around my computer.
So... I'm cutting back on some things. And I'm starting by getting rid of the things that I'm not doing for myself. I love people, and I want to make them happy, but I can't keep doing things just because they want me to. I've been so afraid of losing people's friendships because I can't make them happy. But... that's a shitty way to think... and I've decided that I'm going to do what's right for me. If I lose friendships because of it? I'll be sad. If not? Amazing.
...I don't even know why I write this shit. I doubt anyone ever does anything but skim it. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking into empty space. Actually, no. Empty space always seems to listen when I talk. I just... I don't know. I haven't been able to keep a friend for longer than a year at a time since I was... well, since forever. I guess I'm just not worth the effort. Or maybe I'm just that shitty of a person. Actually... I am that shitty of a person. I'm selfish and I'm ornery and I'm argumentative and I'm just... not a pleasant person to be around. It's my fault, and I'm too lazy and stubborn to fix it. Which is... probably why I hide away. I figure that... if I just stay in my world of daydreams everything will be okay.
Shit... I said I wasn't going to cry.
Three of my uncles have cancer. Two have colon cancer, and the other has pancreatic cancer. I... ugh. There's so much drama and emotion and crazy crap stemming from this that I don't even know where to begin. It spans both sides of my family and just... it's messy. And, since I really don't want to talk about it, I'm just going to say that it sucks and leave it at that.
Mom had surgery today. It went as well as could be expected, but she called me once she got home... and she was crying... and in pain... and I just don't know how much more of this I can take. It's pretty damn selfish of me to be thinking of my own well-being while she's the one in pain, but we've been dealing with this for a long ass time. Her health started deteriorating when I was in middle school. She's had a major surgery nearly every year (usually multiple times a year) for the last decade. I know that I need to be strong for her, but I just... I want to be able to go with her with my problems without worrying about how it's going to affect her mood, her health, her stress level.
The wedding might not be happening. Jon's work laid off seventeen people today. Seventeen. This is a tiny town, and laying off seventeen people is a pretty big deal. The section that Jon works in will be busy through the end of this year, but after that... they don't know. So we don't want to spend all this money on a wedding if he's not going to have steady work next year. But... at the same time, if you don't risk anything, then you're never going to do anything at all. And yes, I know that I could have a cheaper wedding, but I won't. I have given up and given out on every single fucking thing that I dreamed about when I was a kid. All of my dreams have gone down the drain. This is the one thing I have left. And if I can't do it right, the way that I've dreamed about, then I'm just not going to do it.
I took a pretty long break from online stuff. And I've lost a few friends because of it. I feel shitty about that, yeah, but the thing is that I just... need to disappear from time to time. It's not something limited to my online world. When I was in my funk over the last few weeks, I didn't talk to anyone besides my son. I wouldn't talk to Jon. I wouldn't answer the phone. I told my mom not to stop by. I just... it's shitty, but it's the way I am. I don't claim to be perfect. For everyone who was there for me when I came back: Thank you. For everyone who couldn't take it any more: I'll miss you.
One thing that my "break" showed me was that I needed to put my priorities in order. I was doing things for the wrong reasons... and I wasn't doing a lot of things that I really needed to do. Like sleep. So, I'm fixing my schedule, and I'm switching back to a life that isn't centered around my computer.
So... I'm cutting back on some things. And I'm starting by getting rid of the things that I'm not doing for myself. I love people, and I want to make them happy, but I can't keep doing things just because they want me to. I've been so afraid of losing people's friendships because I can't make them happy. But... that's a shitty way to think... and I've decided that I'm going to do what's right for me. If I lose friendships because of it? I'll be sad. If not? Amazing.
...I don't even know why I write this shit. I doubt anyone ever does anything but skim it. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking into empty space. Actually, no. Empty space always seems to listen when I talk. I just... I don't know. I haven't been able to keep a friend for longer than a year at a time since I was... well, since forever. I guess I'm just not worth the effort. Or maybe I'm just that shitty of a person. Actually... I am that shitty of a person. I'm selfish and I'm ornery and I'm argumentative and I'm just... not a pleasant person to be around. It's my fault, and I'm too lazy and stubborn to fix it. Which is... probably why I hide away. I figure that... if I just stay in my world of daydreams everything will be okay.
Shit... I said I wasn't going to cry.