RIP <3
so i haven't updated this thing in like 2 and a half months....wow....alot of shit has changed unbelievably. i don't even know where to begin but after what happened last night i think its time to really write a novel about everything in life because you never know when it's going to be taken away from you. everyone around me has changed somehow and everytihng as well. the way i look at things has changed alot. starting college was definitly a crazy experience but an exciting one. my mind was really fucked with right before i started school. my ex boyfriend dumped me out of absolutely nowhere and i basically found out he dumped me for a freind of mine. so that shit was realllyyy fucked up and my emotions were ridiculously played with and there was alot of other shit with him that happened too but oh well what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger...i'm a better person because of it but now i really do not trust anyone. i never really did but now theres never a chance that i will again... me and him are friends actually now...and on that note he actally just texted me as i was writing this about him...but he'll never know just how much he hurts me. he knew just how hurt i had been and how i never wanted to go through taht again and he just did it twenty times worse to me....i should have never ever ever let him in. but you know waht i made a mistake and what can i do about it now? nothing. so i just need to learn from it...i have a tendency to hold grudges against people but i never make it known i just keep it inside....
anyways....living here at school has been so crazy. i havent acutally stayed a weekend but im actually staying here this weekend so that should be good..its not even that i don't get along with my roommate cause we get along great were basically the same person...its just there isnt much to do here...but things are getting alot better. my grades are actually pretty decent in school sometimes its a little overwhelming cause i took fuckin impossible classes like macroeconomics haha im a fuckin dick for taking that class. i dont know WHAT i was thinking.
so yeah everything with school is pretty good as of right now....these past few weeks have been challenging though cause some crazyyyy shit has happened. first off, i really fucked up mycar. like seriously i sitll thank god every day for letting me live because i should have been dead. it was my own stupid mistake buti panicked really bad and i was driving on no sleep so i made a really bad decision....and as a result my car has 8, 600.00 worth of damages on it. it's actually still i nthe shop and it happened on october 21st. and of course it was so early when it happened and i was all by myself....anddd not only did i turn into a car i turned into a fuckin explorer who was going fast. sooooo basically the scariest thing of my life and ever since then i've been really nervous about everything and i actually had some really bad nightmares about it....the same image going over and over and over in my head. it poisons my mind....thank god though the people are okay, i'm okay, and my insurance is covering basically all the damage. i sitll feel like a fuckindick though especially since i was coming from a kids house who i thoughtliked me cause he told me he did and what do you know after i tell him about hte accident he decides to just completely stop talking to me.....what a fuckin dick honestly. he kept me up all night and wouldnt let me sleep cause "he only sees me sometimes and wants to spend every moment up with me that he can" hmmmmm what a fuckin asshole. but whatever that shit is overrr im not even upset about it i could give two fucks he was a little too weird for me anywhere and wasnt really going anywhere in life soooo oh well =] im just fuckin furious that i went all the way out to see that fuck and as a result i fucked up my car....it makes me sooooooo mad you have no idea. hahah actually you probably do have an idea because i use the word fuck alotttt haha. i curse too much i gotta stop....
life works in the craziest ways i swear...last night as i was about an hour away from home out on the island with some friends, my phone rang and i almost didnt pick up but somehow something inside of me told me to just pick up her call even if we did have alot of shit going on and we werent the best of freinds anymore....but something told me somehing wasnt right so i picked up. it really seemed as if everything going on at that very moment around me suddenly stopped. it seemed as if all the people standing around me lost there voices and the wind suddenly stopped and everything just went quiet. the only thing i could hear was the phonecall telling me what happened....it was one of those feelings where you have no idea how to comprehend or react to sometihng as tragic as that. at that moment i felt completely alone and helpless because i wasnt around any people who are from my town or who knew how much this kid was of importance in my town. and how many people loved him....so i basically just stood there with my jaw dropped with all these strangers around me ...well not even strangers there my freinds from here but like they just dont understand....so it seemed as if they were strangers at that exact moment....one of the scariest feelings ever is being told really horrible news and then the person saying they dont know if hes alive or dead. i swear i didnt even know what to tihnk at that point...my first question was is he dead because once something like that happens you have to expect the worse...you just have to. the second i got the phonecall that they were taking him off life support i couldnt even speak. and no one knew what to say to me. this morning right after i woke up i did some really deep tihnking about some things that really seem so strange to me now. i remember how the othe weekend we all went to emilys house and it was all girls and phelim wanted t ocome and at first no one wanted him to casue it was all girls and they didnt want a guy there but i begged them im like pleasee its phelim hes different then everyone else just let him come. so he winded up coming and he made us all laugh by wearing emilys high heels so he could fit in as a girl...the one thing that sticks out in this night that really is weird to me is this one conversation we all had when we were all really messed up....it was me cathy and phelim sitting there and he started talking about people dying and about bobby and kevin and how much he missed them and how it was such a bad time for everyone. i rmemeber this conversation coming almost out of nowhere but i saw how much he was upset about it thats why it sticks out...it was just soooo strange. and another VERY strnage thing to me was we had to write a paper for my composition class and it was supposed to be on our town and the people who live there....on wednesday i handed it in and one of my paragraphs were about how many people we have lost in floral park and how strong of a town we are because of it....the weirdest part was for some reason i compltely forgot an ending paragraph;a conclusion completely, so the last paragraph is the one about the people we've lost. the two girls who were correcting my paper were like ummm you completely forgot a conclusion... i just find that so strange cause i literally handed it in on wednesday...
"Many tragic events in the past have made the citizens of Floral Park become very close as a community. Unfortunately every year, Floral Park has lost at least one very loving person who was known and respected all throughout the town. As a result, Floral Park deals with tragedy and despair very well and often has memorial vigils in the town square where the whole town comes out to remember and honor a certain person that has been lost due to unfortunate events."
that is just sooo strange to me it just makes me think how crazy life is and how you never know whats going to happen...and i really dont know why i had that as my last paragraph at all but now it kindof seems as a sign or sometihng...i dont know...
Rest in Peace Phelim.
<3 in our hearts [always & forever]
anyways....living here at school has been so crazy. i havent acutally stayed a weekend but im actually staying here this weekend so that should be good..its not even that i don't get along with my roommate cause we get along great were basically the same person...its just there isnt much to do here...but things are getting alot better. my grades are actually pretty decent in school sometimes its a little overwhelming cause i took fuckin impossible classes like macroeconomics haha im a fuckin dick for taking that class. i dont know WHAT i was thinking.
so yeah everything with school is pretty good as of right now....these past few weeks have been challenging though cause some crazyyyy shit has happened. first off, i really fucked up mycar. like seriously i sitll thank god every day for letting me live because i should have been dead. it was my own stupid mistake buti panicked really bad and i was driving on no sleep so i made a really bad decision....and as a result my car has 8, 600.00 worth of damages on it. it's actually still i nthe shop and it happened on october 21st. and of course it was so early when it happened and i was all by myself....anddd not only did i turn into a car i turned into a fuckin explorer who was going fast. sooooo basically the scariest thing of my life and ever since then i've been really nervous about everything and i actually had some really bad nightmares about it....the same image going over and over and over in my head. it poisons my mind....thank god though the people are okay, i'm okay, and my insurance is covering basically all the damage. i sitll feel like a fuckindick though especially since i was coming from a kids house who i thoughtliked me cause he told me he did and what do you know after i tell him about hte accident he decides to just completely stop talking to me.....what a fuckin dick honestly. he kept me up all night and wouldnt let me sleep cause "he only sees me sometimes and wants to spend every moment up with me that he can" hmmmmm what a fuckin asshole. but whatever that shit is overrr im not even upset about it i could give two fucks he was a little too weird for me anywhere and wasnt really going anywhere in life soooo oh well =] im just fuckin furious that i went all the way out to see that fuck and as a result i fucked up my car....it makes me sooooooo mad you have no idea. hahah actually you probably do have an idea because i use the word fuck alotttt haha. i curse too much i gotta stop....
life works in the craziest ways i swear...last night as i was about an hour away from home out on the island with some friends, my phone rang and i almost didnt pick up but somehow something inside of me told me to just pick up her call even if we did have alot of shit going on and we werent the best of freinds anymore....but something told me somehing wasnt right so i picked up. it really seemed as if everything going on at that very moment around me suddenly stopped. it seemed as if all the people standing around me lost there voices and the wind suddenly stopped and everything just went quiet. the only thing i could hear was the phonecall telling me what happened....it was one of those feelings where you have no idea how to comprehend or react to sometihng as tragic as that. at that moment i felt completely alone and helpless because i wasnt around any people who are from my town or who knew how much this kid was of importance in my town. and how many people loved him....so i basically just stood there with my jaw dropped with all these strangers around me ...well not even strangers there my freinds from here but like they just dont understand....so it seemed as if they were strangers at that exact moment....one of the scariest feelings ever is being told really horrible news and then the person saying they dont know if hes alive or dead. i swear i didnt even know what to tihnk at that point...my first question was is he dead because once something like that happens you have to expect the worse...you just have to. the second i got the phonecall that they were taking him off life support i couldnt even speak. and no one knew what to say to me. this morning right after i woke up i did some really deep tihnking about some things that really seem so strange to me now. i remember how the othe weekend we all went to emilys house and it was all girls and phelim wanted t ocome and at first no one wanted him to casue it was all girls and they didnt want a guy there but i begged them im like pleasee its phelim hes different then everyone else just let him come. so he winded up coming and he made us all laugh by wearing emilys high heels so he could fit in as a girl...the one thing that sticks out in this night that really is weird to me is this one conversation we all had when we were all really messed up....it was me cathy and phelim sitting there and he started talking about people dying and about bobby and kevin and how much he missed them and how it was such a bad time for everyone. i rmemeber this conversation coming almost out of nowhere but i saw how much he was upset about it thats why it sticks out...it was just soooo strange. and another VERY strnage thing to me was we had to write a paper for my composition class and it was supposed to be on our town and the people who live there....on wednesday i handed it in and one of my paragraphs were about how many people we have lost in floral park and how strong of a town we are because of it....the weirdest part was for some reason i compltely forgot an ending paragraph;a conclusion completely, so the last paragraph is the one about the people we've lost. the two girls who were correcting my paper were like ummm you completely forgot a conclusion... i just find that so strange cause i literally handed it in on wednesday...
"Many tragic events in the past have made the citizens of Floral Park become very close as a community. Unfortunately every year, Floral Park has lost at least one very loving person who was known and respected all throughout the town. As a result, Floral Park deals with tragedy and despair very well and often has memorial vigils in the town square where the whole town comes out to remember and honor a certain person that has been lost due to unfortunate events."
that is just sooo strange to me it just makes me think how crazy life is and how you never know whats going to happen...and i really dont know why i had that as my last paragraph at all but now it kindof seems as a sign or sometihng...i dont know...
Rest in Peace Phelim.
<3 in our hearts [always & forever]