(no subject)
i am driving myself absolutely crazy. i cant stop thinking about him. i went thru my old LJ, reading entries from early 2003 when he and i were in love... scouring the internet for pictures of him, which i eventually found. when i saw his face my heart broke. now i am sitting here paralyzed by the knowledge that i let him go.
i dreamed about him last night. the dream started out with me in my old car, driving down 93 to his place in boston. i could see myself parking, paying the meter, and walking up to the door to his apt building. i can still see every step, with the dirt and melted snow from the outside. i can still feel the scared nervousness of knocking on the door waiting for him to answer. i can still see the look on his face when he would open the door, grab me and kiss me against the wall. i can still feel his leg against mine as we sat on the futon and smoked copious amount of crystally ganja, while looking into each other's eyes. i can still feel his hands on me, slowly undressing me...
what are the odds that i will ever get to speak to him again? a million to one...
it is truely heartbreaking that i will never get the chance to speak of this love out loud.
i must be crazy to still feel this way after so many years.
i never stop thinking about him, he is literally on my mind several hours a day. what is up to? he probably has an amazing girlfriend or wife, possibly kids... i hope that wherever he is he is happy.