sandbagged
Took my last final today. But the story starts yesterday. So I'm, I dunno, studying in the newsroom, waiting for Carl to email me and my friend calls. Asks me if I wanna go with him to buy a new version of Settlers. Sure, an hour or two (and I can study in the car), sounds good. Yeah, that turned into twoish hours, plus food, plus playing the game. And I end up back to my place at 10 with not much studying done since 3. But I only needed like a 50% on the final. I think I got it.
The conference with my professor left me feeling a lot better about this final silly assignment. I just have to turn it in by Sunday and I'm done with schoolwork. Packing and that and maybe seeing some peeps gradumate. And maybe a party, if my friend can make it in.
I'm falling back on my original plan of shock and awe. I'm gonna make a move for her, not take no for an answer for a while (not that no is necessarily expected, it's kinda not) and see where I land.
It's very odd that I'm not missing things already. I miss certain people and certain things I've done this semester, being in the newsroom, but it's mostly things from this semester. I was helping my friend move and paused for a few minutes to stare out the window. Things like that. Otherwise I'm fine, and it's 80% of I wanna get the heck out of here. I can't even celebrate that I'm pretty much done with schoolwork and at least have no real pressure on my time. I've felt like I was done for so long that now that it's happening it doesn't feel real.
I feel I've also grown in this area. I'm able to deal with heavy emotions, really deal with them. And I've sandbagged this situation enough, said goodbye to so many memories in advance. I've prepared myself for missing this place, perhaps prepared too well. But that's a good thing. To let it hurt enough that you know it mattered, but be able to push on and let it become part of you, building you for the wonders that lie ahead.
I just can't help but look back. Why is that? Is it really some idea that the past and future are better than the present? Is that all it is, and I can't bring myself to accept that that's how I think, maybe how we all think. It's more like I'm testing myself, or maybe asking too much. If I can think back to then, when my college years weren't formed yet, it was a blank slate. And part of me feels I didn't do enough and keeps going back to those beginnings, as if to see what else could have been done, what could have been changed. It's just a search for perfection. Maybe it's something I do ruthlessly. But now it's ending with a satisfied fatigue. I've made quite a mark. Maybe not quite as much progress in certain areas, but it's a wild and confident mark, and I'm content with that.
The conference with my professor left me feeling a lot better about this final silly assignment. I just have to turn it in by Sunday and I'm done with schoolwork. Packing and that and maybe seeing some peeps gradumate. And maybe a party, if my friend can make it in.
I'm falling back on my original plan of shock and awe. I'm gonna make a move for her, not take no for an answer for a while (not that no is necessarily expected, it's kinda not) and see where I land.
It's very odd that I'm not missing things already. I miss certain people and certain things I've done this semester, being in the newsroom, but it's mostly things from this semester. I was helping my friend move and paused for a few minutes to stare out the window. Things like that. Otherwise I'm fine, and it's 80% of I wanna get the heck out of here. I can't even celebrate that I'm pretty much done with schoolwork and at least have no real pressure on my time. I've felt like I was done for so long that now that it's happening it doesn't feel real.
I feel I've also grown in this area. I'm able to deal with heavy emotions, really deal with them. And I've sandbagged this situation enough, said goodbye to so many memories in advance. I've prepared myself for missing this place, perhaps prepared too well. But that's a good thing. To let it hurt enough that you know it mattered, but be able to push on and let it become part of you, building you for the wonders that lie ahead.
I just can't help but look back. Why is that? Is it really some idea that the past and future are better than the present? Is that all it is, and I can't bring myself to accept that that's how I think, maybe how we all think. It's more like I'm testing myself, or maybe asking too much. If I can think back to then, when my college years weren't formed yet, it was a blank slate. And part of me feels I didn't do enough and keeps going back to those beginnings, as if to see what else could have been done, what could have been changed. It's just a search for perfection. Maybe it's something I do ruthlessly. But now it's ending with a satisfied fatigue. I've made quite a mark. Maybe not quite as much progress in certain areas, but it's a wild and confident mark, and I'm content with that.