(no subject)
Manny and I are broken up. For good. And because I'm too lazy to explain... here's the e-mail he wrote me to try to "explain" -_-
After crying for a few hours, I went and got high with a few friends. Heh... that's alwyas a good way to forget your problems. *rolls eyes*
TEH LETTER
I hope you're doing okay. Part of me knows that you'd rather be left alone right now, but another part of me wants to tell you exactly why I decided to come to the decision I came to yesterday. I know you really wanna know and yesterday I was trying to stay under control, but emotions clouded my mind a bit and I don't think I could get my points across easily. So, here they are:
1) You now have a job. I'm so proud of you, seriously, I am, but you probably heard the sudden change of tone in my voice when I heard that. Reason being, is we both have jobs now. It's not like I can call off anytime I want either, because I've already done that throughout the year and I seriously need the money. You can't call off easily either because you're new now and I'm sure you'd end up getting on their bad sides fast. I really don't know, but time management is really an issue this summer and it sucks so much.
2) I know you wondered why my parents' financial problems had anything to do with this whole decision. Well, since my dad's job has dissipated and my mom's currently looking for a management position, things are gonna be hectic really soon. I also have to get all this college stuff straight, because it's getting time to get loans and lock in some solid money that I need for the school year. We're also getting this house, so it's not like any of us are gonna be making much money over the next few months, which may leave me to pay for the estimated family contribution payment by myself, which is something that I don't think I'd be able to do alone, unfortunately. Let's hope I don't need to.
3) I know it was really quick when I told you that you need to fix things with your mom, but what I wanted to really go indepth about it was this: I don't like your current situation with you in an apartment by yourself. Yeah, it's good that you're out of your mom's hair, but to me, there's a bad side, too...you don't have your mom there, ya know? I know as much as you dislike your mom at times, I know you love her and that you want things to be solid between the both of you. If it's one thing I know, it's that both of you are so damn stubborn at times, but you both need to fix that. If it's one thing ya get out of this, it's that I hope you fix things with your mom somehow. Tell her what she does wrong and have her do the same to you. And then just work off of those ideas. I know it's easier to say than do, but it's something that must need to be done.
4) That brings me to my next point. I don't think ya really understand how hard of a thing it'd be for me to move out there for a year, away from my family. I couldn't do it. You know how close I am to my brother especially. It's just how things are, hon, and I'm sorry. I know it's easier for you to want to move out here than vice-versa, because you love the city, you love me (not saying that I don't love you), and your family ties aren't as strong as mine, unfortunately. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I'm just saying it's easier for you to want to move out here than me move out there.
5) You once told me, even before all this, that I may not know what love is. What I feel is what I think is love, but how can I be sure? I haven't experienced it with others, ya know? That doesn't mean I'm going to date around and shit and fall in love with every girl I see, but even then, I've noticed I've held back even with my friends who're girls. I've held back somewhat because I've felt that I may betray ya in some way. And maybe that's what worried me so much about college. Yeah, I have friends who're both guys and girls, of course. But I should be able to love them in a friend kinda way and not worry about the slight chance that I may betray you unintentionally. I know it may seem weird, but it's how it fits in my head right now. I also told you that I've longed for your touch since that night. And I will never regret that night, because it was what I've always wanted my first time to be like--with the person I love, in a bed, alone, etc. I do regret that this all had to happen after the fact and if I could, I'd rewind time and break things off before that night. But I can't and even though I'd like to do that, I'll never forget that night with you, in your arms. It was such a magical kinda thing, you know? We both lost our virginity that night and I'll never regret losing it to you, goose.
6) Finally, I feel we need a little time apart if anything. You wanting to move out here isn't necessarily a good thing so early on in life, hon, and I saw that right away. You've become dependent on me and I've become dependent on you. And that's not good in a relationship, at least while we're so young. We've never had the chance to mature or grow independently and myself, definately moreso. Me, because I've been pampered all my life and as time goes on, I know I'm gonna get a rude awakening come college time. I need to grow up to be independent as do you, in some ways. You can't rely on me for your happiness, ya have to find it within yourself, you know? You can't try to revolve your life around me (and vice-versa), because it's going to cost so much for our love, especially during a time when we really need to save up--me for college, you for highschool and just your whole situation with you having your own apartment.
I've never stopped loving you. I love you even now, but we need to break now, at least for a while until we get our lives in order. I need to become more mature and you need to straighten things out with your family. You already have much maturity, but independency is something we both really need. I know it hurts, I've felt like shit all day, but I think in the end, it may be better for the both of us. If we're meant to be, we're going to fucking be together one day. Our paths will cross again if that's the case. I really hope they do, too, because it'd be a pity for them not to. Now, when I say that, we both have to realize that our futures may be completely different and we may never be together again. Who knows how life turns out from here-on-out? I'd like to believe you're the one, but who knows?
I'm sorry it had to be like this, but then I'm glad in a way, too, because at least we know we always stayed true to each other. This break isn't because one of us did something wrong, but because of circumstance--we just both need to grow up independently and we (as cliched as it may sound) need to concentrate on school. It's your senior year in highschool and I really know you want to get those damn good grades, as I hope you do. And I need to concentrate on this year as being my first year in college--it's going to be rough, definately.
But if it's one thing you must promise not to do throughout this entire ordeal is that you mustn't cut. I know you've probably thought about it, but I'm warning you hon, if you do it...I hate to say this and it makes it even hard to type, but if you do it, I don't think I'd ever be able to be with you again, despite my intense love for you. If you've already done it, then okay...but don't dare do
it again. Sorry if it sounds mean and all, but you promised me and so far, you've kept that promise. And I can't be with someone who doesn't love themselves.
Goose, if it's anything you do in the next year, its these:
a) Get things straightned out with your mom. All issues you have, throw them on the table and talk about them. Even with your dad, if there's any.
b) Become someone without me. You're already so special, but I know you can achieve so much more if you become truly independent ( ya must hate that word by now, heh).
c) I know part of your depression comes from your weight. And even though I've never been put off by it whatsoever, it seems like you are. I want you to keep going with your weight loss and do it smart, but efficiently. It's a bitch to want to do it everyday as there's so much good food out there and exercise is a pain in the ass, but you must try. If you don't, I know in the future, you'll always regret that you didn't continue with it. Hell, start off with pilates again and just work up slowly, but surely. Your weight's never bothered me. At all. And I stand by that until my death. But what bothers me is your own outlook on yourself. And that's something you need to change.
Goose, I'm gonna miss you and I'm definately gonna miss our nightly talks. I'm crying now, lol. And as much as I want to call you or for you to call me, we mustn't...not for a while. We may end up in disaster if we do so soon. I do still love you and I don't think my love will ever go away, but we need to break now, and just find ourselves or see what else is out there. Hell, you may find a better guy than me. Who knows? I know it may seem hard to believe, but you never know how things work out. You can reply to this email if you'd like and I know you may still be emotional (as am I, and it's taken a long time to type this all out, as a result), but think rationally, hon. Just see where I'm coming from in all this. You may call me an asshole and I may just as well be. But know this--I ALWAYS stayed true to you.
Hon, that night of prom is something I'll never forget. And hopefully one day we'll have nights like that again, together. We may or may not...but I hope we do. Don't wait for me, either. If you're given the chance to go out with someone, please take it. I know it'll hurt me to hear that you're going out with someone else and vice-versa, but please, don't give up the chance to just see who else may be out there.
I love you, Bethany. Good bye...for now.
I hate boys.
Speaking of boys... I met one the other night. His name is Michael Moore. Isn't that funny? :P I won't go into detail, but I was a little messed up last night and somehow we ended up in his basement. 0_0 (I'm really not a floozie...) :(
P.S. I'm in hell Kentucky until Tuesday.
After crying for a few hours, I went and got high with a few friends. Heh... that's alwyas a good way to forget your problems. *rolls eyes*
TEH LETTER
I hope you're doing okay. Part of me knows that you'd rather be left alone right now, but another part of me wants to tell you exactly why I decided to come to the decision I came to yesterday. I know you really wanna know and yesterday I was trying to stay under control, but emotions clouded my mind a bit and I don't think I could get my points across easily. So, here they are:
1) You now have a job. I'm so proud of you, seriously, I am, but you probably heard the sudden change of tone in my voice when I heard that. Reason being, is we both have jobs now. It's not like I can call off anytime I want either, because I've already done that throughout the year and I seriously need the money. You can't call off easily either because you're new now and I'm sure you'd end up getting on their bad sides fast. I really don't know, but time management is really an issue this summer and it sucks so much.
2) I know you wondered why my parents' financial problems had anything to do with this whole decision. Well, since my dad's job has dissipated and my mom's currently looking for a management position, things are gonna be hectic really soon. I also have to get all this college stuff straight, because it's getting time to get loans and lock in some solid money that I need for the school year. We're also getting this house, so it's not like any of us are gonna be making much money over the next few months, which may leave me to pay for the estimated family contribution payment by myself, which is something that I don't think I'd be able to do alone, unfortunately. Let's hope I don't need to.
3) I know it was really quick when I told you that you need to fix things with your mom, but what I wanted to really go indepth about it was this: I don't like your current situation with you in an apartment by yourself. Yeah, it's good that you're out of your mom's hair, but to me, there's a bad side, too...you don't have your mom there, ya know? I know as much as you dislike your mom at times, I know you love her and that you want things to be solid between the both of you. If it's one thing I know, it's that both of you are so damn stubborn at times, but you both need to fix that. If it's one thing ya get out of this, it's that I hope you fix things with your mom somehow. Tell her what she does wrong and have her do the same to you. And then just work off of those ideas. I know it's easier to say than do, but it's something that must need to be done.
4) That brings me to my next point. I don't think ya really understand how hard of a thing it'd be for me to move out there for a year, away from my family. I couldn't do it. You know how close I am to my brother especially. It's just how things are, hon, and I'm sorry. I know it's easier for you to want to move out here than vice-versa, because you love the city, you love me (not saying that I don't love you), and your family ties aren't as strong as mine, unfortunately. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I'm just saying it's easier for you to want to move out here than me move out there.
5) You once told me, even before all this, that I may not know what love is. What I feel is what I think is love, but how can I be sure? I haven't experienced it with others, ya know? That doesn't mean I'm going to date around and shit and fall in love with every girl I see, but even then, I've noticed I've held back even with my friends who're girls. I've held back somewhat because I've felt that I may betray ya in some way. And maybe that's what worried me so much about college. Yeah, I have friends who're both guys and girls, of course. But I should be able to love them in a friend kinda way and not worry about the slight chance that I may betray you unintentionally. I know it may seem weird, but it's how it fits in my head right now. I also told you that I've longed for your touch since that night. And I will never regret that night, because it was what I've always wanted my first time to be like--with the person I love, in a bed, alone, etc. I do regret that this all had to happen after the fact and if I could, I'd rewind time and break things off before that night. But I can't and even though I'd like to do that, I'll never forget that night with you, in your arms. It was such a magical kinda thing, you know? We both lost our virginity that night and I'll never regret losing it to you, goose.
6) Finally, I feel we need a little time apart if anything. You wanting to move out here isn't necessarily a good thing so early on in life, hon, and I saw that right away. You've become dependent on me and I've become dependent on you. And that's not good in a relationship, at least while we're so young. We've never had the chance to mature or grow independently and myself, definately moreso. Me, because I've been pampered all my life and as time goes on, I know I'm gonna get a rude awakening come college time. I need to grow up to be independent as do you, in some ways. You can't rely on me for your happiness, ya have to find it within yourself, you know? You can't try to revolve your life around me (and vice-versa), because it's going to cost so much for our love, especially during a time when we really need to save up--me for college, you for highschool and just your whole situation with you having your own apartment.
I've never stopped loving you. I love you even now, but we need to break now, at least for a while until we get our lives in order. I need to become more mature and you need to straighten things out with your family. You already have much maturity, but independency is something we both really need. I know it hurts, I've felt like shit all day, but I think in the end, it may be better for the both of us. If we're meant to be, we're going to fucking be together one day. Our paths will cross again if that's the case. I really hope they do, too, because it'd be a pity for them not to. Now, when I say that, we both have to realize that our futures may be completely different and we may never be together again. Who knows how life turns out from here-on-out? I'd like to believe you're the one, but who knows?
I'm sorry it had to be like this, but then I'm glad in a way, too, because at least we know we always stayed true to each other. This break isn't because one of us did something wrong, but because of circumstance--we just both need to grow up independently and we (as cliched as it may sound) need to concentrate on school. It's your senior year in highschool and I really know you want to get those damn good grades, as I hope you do. And I need to concentrate on this year as being my first year in college--it's going to be rough, definately.
But if it's one thing you must promise not to do throughout this entire ordeal is that you mustn't cut. I know you've probably thought about it, but I'm warning you hon, if you do it...I hate to say this and it makes it even hard to type, but if you do it, I don't think I'd ever be able to be with you again, despite my intense love for you. If you've already done it, then okay...but don't dare do
it again. Sorry if it sounds mean and all, but you promised me and so far, you've kept that promise. And I can't be with someone who doesn't love themselves.
Goose, if it's anything you do in the next year, its these:
a) Get things straightned out with your mom. All issues you have, throw them on the table and talk about them. Even with your dad, if there's any.
b) Become someone without me. You're already so special, but I know you can achieve so much more if you become truly independent ( ya must hate that word by now, heh).
c) I know part of your depression comes from your weight. And even though I've never been put off by it whatsoever, it seems like you are. I want you to keep going with your weight loss and do it smart, but efficiently. It's a bitch to want to do it everyday as there's so much good food out there and exercise is a pain in the ass, but you must try. If you don't, I know in the future, you'll always regret that you didn't continue with it. Hell, start off with pilates again and just work up slowly, but surely. Your weight's never bothered me. At all. And I stand by that until my death. But what bothers me is your own outlook on yourself. And that's something you need to change.
Goose, I'm gonna miss you and I'm definately gonna miss our nightly talks. I'm crying now, lol. And as much as I want to call you or for you to call me, we mustn't...not for a while. We may end up in disaster if we do so soon. I do still love you and I don't think my love will ever go away, but we need to break now, and just find ourselves or see what else is out there. Hell, you may find a better guy than me. Who knows? I know it may seem hard to believe, but you never know how things work out. You can reply to this email if you'd like and I know you may still be emotional (as am I, and it's taken a long time to type this all out, as a result), but think rationally, hon. Just see where I'm coming from in all this. You may call me an asshole and I may just as well be. But know this--I ALWAYS stayed true to you.
Hon, that night of prom is something I'll never forget. And hopefully one day we'll have nights like that again, together. We may or may not...but I hope we do. Don't wait for me, either. If you're given the chance to go out with someone, please take it. I know it'll hurt me to hear that you're going out with someone else and vice-versa, but please, don't give up the chance to just see who else may be out there.
I love you, Bethany. Good bye...for now.
I hate boys.
Speaking of boys... I met one the other night. His name is Michael Moore. Isn't that funny? :P I won't go into detail, but I was a little messed up last night and somehow we ended up in his basement. 0_0 (I'm really not a floozie...) :(
P.S. I'm in hell Kentucky until Tuesday.