Another day...
I'm scared. I don't know how to not be depressed. If I have borderline personality disorder, I will have to reconfigure how I live, how I deal. I'm afraid of how people will treat me. However, my biggest fear is getting admitted to the mental ward at a hospital. What happens when I finally crack? Where do you go when you've mentally hit rock bottom?
The only times I believe in God are those that make me question my state of being. "What did I do that was so bad that God has cursed me like this?" It had to have been the suicide attempt. But that was four fucking years ago! Sure, I haven't exactly been free from such thoughts, but I'm still alive. So, I lied. I lied when I told my parents that I only overdosed the once time this summer. But those weren't attempts to meet death. Those were, hopefully-four-pills-will-make-me-happier-than-one moments. And, well, the cutting was never THAT serious.
This has just been a bad year all around. Maybe eventually I will get better. For now it seems like I just have to deal with life rather than enjoy it. :(
Is it weird to want to let go of the steering wheel every single time you drive? Because I get that way. I don't know why. But every time i sit behind the wheel, I think of how easy it could all end if I simply let go. I feel like I'm going even more crazy each day. I think about how easy dying can be, how easy it is to step out of this life. I don't want to. Trust me, I want to finish my life naturally. I want to see how everything turns out. Will I actually write a book? Will I fall in love with someone other than Brian? Will I ever hold a little Nikolai in my arms?
I wonder just when I will actually feel loved. I know I'm loved by family and friends, but I don't feel it. It's not that I don't believe them... I just want more.
The only times I believe in God are those that make me question my state of being. "What did I do that was so bad that God has cursed me like this?" It had to have been the suicide attempt. But that was four fucking years ago! Sure, I haven't exactly been free from such thoughts, but I'm still alive. So, I lied. I lied when I told my parents that I only overdosed the once time this summer. But those weren't attempts to meet death. Those were, hopefully-four-pills-will-make-me-happier-than-one moments. And, well, the cutting was never THAT serious.
This has just been a bad year all around. Maybe eventually I will get better. For now it seems like I just have to deal with life rather than enjoy it. :(
Is it weird to want to let go of the steering wheel every single time you drive? Because I get that way. I don't know why. But every time i sit behind the wheel, I think of how easy it could all end if I simply let go. I feel like I'm going even more crazy each day. I think about how easy dying can be, how easy it is to step out of this life. I don't want to. Trust me, I want to finish my life naturally. I want to see how everything turns out. Will I actually write a book? Will I fall in love with someone other than Brian? Will I ever hold a little Nikolai in my arms?
I wonder just when I will actually feel loved. I know I'm loved by family and friends, but I don't feel it. It's not that I don't believe them... I just want more.