Downstream
Alright. So I'm writing tonight. I've been inspired. I've been away from journaling for a while now, which I regret. I've always felt better when I've had a place to just let it all out, and with everything going on recently and they way I've changed... I need to come back to it.
I wish I could say that I live a regret free life... but alas, here I find myself unable to sleep and sitting around re-evaluating my life. The past year or so has been eye opening, and I really feel like I've "grown up" a lot. I hate that term, because I still feel like the same 16 year old who was annoying as all hell in highschool, and I don't think I'll ever really truly change, but with everything I've learned about myself and about those around me... I don't know, but this past year or so has been enlightening.
I've watched my face age since I've graduated high school-- seven years ago. I haven't finished college, and I've stopped going. I'm going back next semester, but the past year off from school has really made me realize that I'm pretty much screwed without that education. It's also made me realize what I need to do, rather than what I want to do, and how to make the two one in the same. Something that I like doing. Something that I want to do. Something that isn't what I'm doing now. I'll become less vague as I get back into this journal, if it indeed happens. The point, I suppose, is that I'm not getting any younger, and that I'm going to have to straighten up and get my life taken care of sometime or another. I'll be 24 in less than two weeks. I didn't realize that it was so soon until today at work. Since I said it, I've been thinking about where I'll find myself and what I'll be doing in the next few years. Will I be done with school? Will I have even gone back? Sure, I'm planning on it, but will I go through with it and prove myself useful? I hope so. I've also learned a hell of a lot about people. I'm no expert, but with some actual observations and real evaluations of actions, words and those secret thoughts no one ever dares speak, lest they be more than comfortable... and I've come to realize that it really is all trivial. It's all in how you react-- it's what matters most. The only thing I can hope for is the best, and the only thing I can expect is the worst. Somehow, in all of this, things fit together. A period of death and decay, followed by a period of renewal. The story of history, the story of our lives. I feel silly to think that I once thought I knew nearly all of what I needed to know. Such arrogance of youth. It's kind of funny, when I was younger and very much a Smashing Pumpkins fanatic, I used to think that Billy Corgan was so profound. Though I thought I understood what he was saying, I never really got it. Now that I'm older, I kind of feel that lost feeling you get when he sings. I used to think it was a sense of being found, and of knowing what you were and where you were. It's funny how time makes you change, and understand.
I know I'm probably sounding pretentiously disgusting right now, but it's late and I've been thinking far too much tonight.
Here's to hoping I'll be writing here again. I've far more I want to type, so hopefully i'll do it.
I wish I could say that I live a regret free life... but alas, here I find myself unable to sleep and sitting around re-evaluating my life. The past year or so has been eye opening, and I really feel like I've "grown up" a lot. I hate that term, because I still feel like the same 16 year old who was annoying as all hell in highschool, and I don't think I'll ever really truly change, but with everything I've learned about myself and about those around me... I don't know, but this past year or so has been enlightening.
I've watched my face age since I've graduated high school-- seven years ago. I haven't finished college, and I've stopped going. I'm going back next semester, but the past year off from school has really made me realize that I'm pretty much screwed without that education. It's also made me realize what I need to do, rather than what I want to do, and how to make the two one in the same. Something that I like doing. Something that I want to do. Something that isn't what I'm doing now. I'll become less vague as I get back into this journal, if it indeed happens. The point, I suppose, is that I'm not getting any younger, and that I'm going to have to straighten up and get my life taken care of sometime or another. I'll be 24 in less than two weeks. I didn't realize that it was so soon until today at work. Since I said it, I've been thinking about where I'll find myself and what I'll be doing in the next few years. Will I be done with school? Will I have even gone back? Sure, I'm planning on it, but will I go through with it and prove myself useful? I hope so. I've also learned a hell of a lot about people. I'm no expert, but with some actual observations and real evaluations of actions, words and those secret thoughts no one ever dares speak, lest they be more than comfortable... and I've come to realize that it really is all trivial. It's all in how you react-- it's what matters most. The only thing I can hope for is the best, and the only thing I can expect is the worst. Somehow, in all of this, things fit together. A period of death and decay, followed by a period of renewal. The story of history, the story of our lives. I feel silly to think that I once thought I knew nearly all of what I needed to know. Such arrogance of youth. It's kind of funny, when I was younger and very much a Smashing Pumpkins fanatic, I used to think that Billy Corgan was so profound. Though I thought I understood what he was saying, I never really got it. Now that I'm older, I kind of feel that lost feeling you get when he sings. I used to think it was a sense of being found, and of knowing what you were and where you were. It's funny how time makes you change, and understand.
I know I'm probably sounding pretentiously disgusting right now, but it's late and I've been thinking far too much tonight.
Here's to hoping I'll be writing here again. I've far more I want to type, so hopefully i'll do it.