I need to just get everything out...
Sorry I've been freaking out so often... it's all more for me then for the world to read... in fact, only the people who are most important to me know about this LJ of mine... I guess that's why I throw tantrums here... I just feel safe...
but I need to just get things out so you guys can just ignore this one too... it's just me pondering... no yelling... just trying to figure out what's upsetting me...
*deep breath* right now... moving... moving to Georgia... I always wanted to move out of the country... why is this move upsetting me so much?
I'm scared... why am I scared? I don't know what's going on... I don't know what is going to become of me... I feel like I'm going to literally die when my last day of being in the north comes. Just thinking about it makes my brain feel like someone is stepping on it... My eyes sting... I feel like my ribcage is spearing through my organs... I feel like I am going to die. I am so scared.
Andy... My darling Andy... will I even be around for our first anniversary? He taught me what love is... I never believed in love until he loved me unconditionally... and now it's being ripped away from me. What if I don't see him for years?... How can I manage to stay sane?... He's everything to me. I love him more then anyone in the world. I mean that... My throat feels like it's closing in... What more can I say? I love you... I've stuck with you since 7th grade... even when you said "I don't care about you!" "You're annoying!" Sometimes I even thought you'd tell me to dig myself a ditch and die in there... but I stayed with you... and now I can't stay away from you... I hope I never hurt you again... I hoe that no matter what happens... even if we can't be together... you will always be my other half... and this probably shouldn't matter but... I wanted to do so many cosplays with you... KanjixNaoto... some souleater... GakupoxMeiko... Ash and Brock... Mori and Hunny... Dojima and Adachi... God the list could go on and on and on... .__.
Grandma... I can't leave you. You are the person I talk to. you know everything about me... well almost everything... I'm sorry if I disappointed you because I'm not dating a legit male... I'm sorry I haven't opened up to you now... I know you're not disappointed, why am I saying that... She told me she loved me no matter what... I guess getting caught making out with Andy has something to do with my guilt... but damn.. I wanna be around for you... You're dying... your obese and dying... If anything happens I want to be HERE... not in GA... ._. I believe in god because you are such a spiritual and loving person... sure you're passive aggressive and you hate it when I try to look like a teenager from 2010, but damn it I still fucking love you... will you ever know how much?...You're my second mom... I had my mom... and then I had you. I never had a dad... I had you...
Tori... lol I love you man... I wanna make Otakon awesome for us. You're mah bro and I love ya like one. *peace sign*... I am such a shity friend for abandoning you last year.... and then when I disappeared from the rave without telling anyone... just because I thought I wasn't important... God I'm such an idiot. there was no reason for that. why do I always think people don't care about me... they won't notice. you're my buddy, why wouldn't you care?... Im such an idiot and I'm sorry. I wanna make otakon awesome for us because you have totally influenced me. <3 I wouldn't be on youtube making videos without you. I wouldn't have branched out of New England if it wasn't for you. you deserve nothing but my friendship and I'm sorry.
My cosplay life... damn it there is so much shit I wanted to do... made a video with Tori... do an awesome cosplay duo with Mary... get the chance to do a photoshoot with Lindzar... more videos with Joh... America and Egland with Lizzy... me and Jessie needed to do something cool too... I forget if we got excited over something specific... I'm tooo tired... make a bed intruder video... a telephone video... so many videos...
I've ranted enough... if I need t get more out I'll do it later... I probably will... sorry for spamming you guys... I just needed a place to write down what was on my mind.... I'm so exhausted now... so... exhausted...
but I need to just get things out so you guys can just ignore this one too... it's just me pondering... no yelling... just trying to figure out what's upsetting me...
*deep breath* right now... moving... moving to Georgia... I always wanted to move out of the country... why is this move upsetting me so much?
I'm scared... why am I scared? I don't know what's going on... I don't know what is going to become of me... I feel like I'm going to literally die when my last day of being in the north comes. Just thinking about it makes my brain feel like someone is stepping on it... My eyes sting... I feel like my ribcage is spearing through my organs... I feel like I am going to die. I am so scared.
Andy... My darling Andy... will I even be around for our first anniversary? He taught me what love is... I never believed in love until he loved me unconditionally... and now it's being ripped away from me. What if I don't see him for years?... How can I manage to stay sane?... He's everything to me. I love him more then anyone in the world. I mean that... My throat feels like it's closing in... What more can I say? I love you... I've stuck with you since 7th grade... even when you said "I don't care about you!" "You're annoying!" Sometimes I even thought you'd tell me to dig myself a ditch and die in there... but I stayed with you... and now I can't stay away from you... I hope I never hurt you again... I hoe that no matter what happens... even if we can't be together... you will always be my other half... and this probably shouldn't matter but... I wanted to do so many cosplays with you... KanjixNaoto... some souleater... GakupoxMeiko... Ash and Brock... Mori and Hunny... Dojima and Adachi... God the list could go on and on and on... .__.
Grandma... I can't leave you. You are the person I talk to. you know everything about me... well almost everything... I'm sorry if I disappointed you because I'm not dating a legit male... I'm sorry I haven't opened up to you now... I know you're not disappointed, why am I saying that... She told me she loved me no matter what... I guess getting caught making out with Andy has something to do with my guilt... but damn.. I wanna be around for you... You're dying... your obese and dying... If anything happens I want to be HERE... not in GA... ._. I believe in god because you are such a spiritual and loving person... sure you're passive aggressive and you hate it when I try to look like a teenager from 2010, but damn it I still fucking love you... will you ever know how much?...You're my second mom... I had my mom... and then I had you. I never had a dad... I had you...
Tori... lol I love you man... I wanna make Otakon awesome for us. You're mah bro and I love ya like one. *peace sign*... I am such a shity friend for abandoning you last year.... and then when I disappeared from the rave without telling anyone... just because I thought I wasn't important... God I'm such an idiot. there was no reason for that. why do I always think people don't care about me... they won't notice. you're my buddy, why wouldn't you care?... Im such an idiot and I'm sorry. I wanna make otakon awesome for us because you have totally influenced me. <3 I wouldn't be on youtube making videos without you. I wouldn't have branched out of New England if it wasn't for you. you deserve nothing but my friendship and I'm sorry.
My cosplay life... damn it there is so much shit I wanted to do... made a video with Tori... do an awesome cosplay duo with Mary... get the chance to do a photoshoot with Lindzar... more videos with Joh... America and Egland with Lizzy... me and Jessie needed to do something cool too... I forget if we got excited over something specific... I'm tooo tired... make a bed intruder video... a telephone video... so many videos...
I've ranted enough... if I need t get more out I'll do it later... I probably will... sorry for spamming you guys... I just needed a place to write down what was on my mind.... I'm so exhausted now... so... exhausted...