This is Good For That Outward, Unfocused Refuse You Don't Have a Place To Dump
So here I am dumping away. I will populate computers with bytes upon kilobytes of my random-ass thoughts and ideas, and someone else is going to pay for it, because this thing is free. That in itself, makes post in here satisfying, as it's the closest thing I have to free, high-bandwidth web hosting I have at my current disposal. It's sort of comforting, in that 'I fit into the world in this way' to know that what I write down will persist and be passed around the entire world, if only in some obscure corner.
I've been thinking about the post for a few days. This is quite obviously a public forum, and such publicity will always result in anyone who reads this formulating their own thoughts and ideas and I have long since given up on someone understanding or interpreting what I or anyone else says exactly as I envision it. (In fact, I'm taking a Software Engineering course (Which cost me almost $500) on that exact idea and issue with communication, and the only solution we've come up with is just to say it a million times in a million different ways and hope you get it right)
So, as those who frequent these parts have probably surmised (almost by locality of reference. I hope a computer junkie reads that and enjoys the metaphor) I am no longer in what I would have considered a "Long-Term Relationship" by my own biased standards. I sort of knew it was coming for a while, as the seeds of unrest had been sown a few months previous, and we never really recovered (as a 'couple' as a singular thing) from that. There were lots of specific contention points on both sides, and I think this is just a bit too public for such things, and really, they're moot at this point. I had even gone home with the idea in my head that I was finished with how I was feeling, but I knew I would probably not act on that, if only because I like to think that there is always a compromise in everything. I just seem to have left out the part where that compromise isn't always mutually beneficial, and is sometimes mutually detrimental.
The part that's taken the longest to internalize isn't necessarily that the relationship is over, but more that we simply aren't good friends anymore. I have art and pictures on my walls, photographs in books and in drawers, and even things like necklaces and boxer shorts (and sweet boxer shorts at that) that remind me of someone who wasn't just the first person I fell in love with, but a friendship that lasted nearly nine years. For that more than anything, I don't think I'll take down/get rid of/deal with all of that stuff. It's nice to have just as many memories of just being friends and being silly, and seeing silly movies that I don't associate with deep emotional roots of the relationship form. We flat-out were good friends, had good times, and I can still appreciate those memories as what they were: some enjoyable times growing up. But that in itself makes it being so okay with her that we never talk again, although I can see the logic behind why that was said in the context it was said in.
Here I am now, and I don't feel bitter or frustrated. More just disappointed. But I knew for a while that she was unhappy, and I still feel the same way I did then. I don't think I'll ever not care about her (as I don't think I've ever stopped caring about anyone I've ever had a relationship with), and I would like her to be happy, even if it's not with me. And as I can understand friends downplaying the other's role in a relationship after a breakup (hell, it makes you feel better about it when you focus on the bad parts. I love how people do that to break off emotional ties to things) I hope that the last nine months will not be battered into being nothing but a series of malicious actions on my part, because we had something really special for a while.
So, that's about all to the culmination of the last fer days' thoughts and ideas and hopes and other such unfocused, barely cohesive mental refuse (because that really is all my head does, is just empty and fill)
So yeah, that's me. Sorry about not commenting on all of your things more, as you deserve the same recognition for your thoughts as I'm getting from you simply through reading this. But I'm reading, and I'm usually kickin' around somewhere. Take it easy all.
I've been thinking about the post for a few days. This is quite obviously a public forum, and such publicity will always result in anyone who reads this formulating their own thoughts and ideas and I have long since given up on someone understanding or interpreting what I or anyone else says exactly as I envision it. (In fact, I'm taking a Software Engineering course (Which cost me almost $500) on that exact idea and issue with communication, and the only solution we've come up with is just to say it a million times in a million different ways and hope you get it right)
So, as those who frequent these parts have probably surmised (almost by locality of reference. I hope a computer junkie reads that and enjoys the metaphor) I am no longer in what I would have considered a "Long-Term Relationship" by my own biased standards. I sort of knew it was coming for a while, as the seeds of unrest had been sown a few months previous, and we never really recovered (as a 'couple' as a singular thing) from that. There were lots of specific contention points on both sides, and I think this is just a bit too public for such things, and really, they're moot at this point. I had even gone home with the idea in my head that I was finished with how I was feeling, but I knew I would probably not act on that, if only because I like to think that there is always a compromise in everything. I just seem to have left out the part where that compromise isn't always mutually beneficial, and is sometimes mutually detrimental.
The part that's taken the longest to internalize isn't necessarily that the relationship is over, but more that we simply aren't good friends anymore. I have art and pictures on my walls, photographs in books and in drawers, and even things like necklaces and boxer shorts (and sweet boxer shorts at that) that remind me of someone who wasn't just the first person I fell in love with, but a friendship that lasted nearly nine years. For that more than anything, I don't think I'll take down/get rid of/deal with all of that stuff. It's nice to have just as many memories of just being friends and being silly, and seeing silly movies that I don't associate with deep emotional roots of the relationship form. We flat-out were good friends, had good times, and I can still appreciate those memories as what they were: some enjoyable times growing up. But that in itself makes it being so okay with her that we never talk again, although I can see the logic behind why that was said in the context it was said in.
Here I am now, and I don't feel bitter or frustrated. More just disappointed. But I knew for a while that she was unhappy, and I still feel the same way I did then. I don't think I'll ever not care about her (as I don't think I've ever stopped caring about anyone I've ever had a relationship with), and I would like her to be happy, even if it's not with me. And as I can understand friends downplaying the other's role in a relationship after a breakup (hell, it makes you feel better about it when you focus on the bad parts. I love how people do that to break off emotional ties to things) I hope that the last nine months will not be battered into being nothing but a series of malicious actions on my part, because we had something really special for a while.
So, that's about all to the culmination of the last fer days' thoughts and ideas and hopes and other such unfocused, barely cohesive mental refuse (because that really is all my head does, is just empty and fill)
So yeah, that's me. Sorry about not commenting on all of your things more, as you deserve the same recognition for your thoughts as I'm getting from you simply through reading this. But I'm reading, and I'm usually kickin' around somewhere. Take it easy all.