Kickstart drabbles (21-30); House/Wilson
Thanks to everyone who gave me prompts!
Warning: All dialogue, all the time.
xxi. Appendicitis for caerulea_cat
"It was appendicitis?"
"Yep."
"You're lying."
"Serious as a heart attack."
"And it presented like that?"
"Sure did."
"You're so full of shit."
"No sir. I shit you not."
"And you figured this out, how?"
"How about I tell you over dinner?"
"Dinner? I don't even know your name."
"House."
"Nice to meet you, House. I'm James Wilson."
"Of course you are. So, how about dinner?"
"You buying?"
"You putting out?"
"Probably."
"Nice."
"I can be."
"So I've heard."
"Oh, really?"
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xxii. Improvised for stilmoch
"What exactly are you doing?"
"Cooking."
"Looks like everything in the refrigerator got thrown into a pot."
"Same thing."
"Not hardly. Move over."
"I've got this."
"Give it up. You need a consult."
"I was cooking when you were still in diapers."
"Blythe was cooking, you were getting in the way."
"Point ceded. It's not half bad, though."
"It's okay. How did you even come up with this?"
"I improvised."
"House, move over so I can save the patient."
"I don't like your tone."
"I don't like your face. Taste this."
"Wow."
"Needs salt?"
"I said 'Wow'. Leave it alone."
"Fine, if you'll go set the table."
"If you insist."
"Hey, what's with the candles and flowers?"
"I improvised."
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xxiii. Off-kilter for perhael
"What is it with you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Talking with you is like walking a tightrope, sans net."
"It's just talking."
"No, it's like arguing philosophy with a wounded tiger."
"Who's arguing?"
"I just can't get my balance with you."
"Maybe that's how I like it."
"Why? Why does everything have to be a fight?"
"Keeps you on your toes, doesn't it?"
"So, what, this is how you keep me interested?"
"Could be."
"I'm interested, okay?"
"But for how long?"
"Is that what this is about?"
"No."
"It is. I'm not going anywhere."
"For now. The evidence of your wives says differently."
"That's different."
"Why?"
"Because my wives..."
"...were boring."
"Well, yeah. Oh."
"Just let me handle this, okay?"
"Yes, dear."
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xxiv. Reflex for asynca
"You can tell a lot about a man by his reflexes."
"Shut up."
"You can tell what he holds dear."
"I'm not talking about this."
"Slams on brakes, puts out his arm to protect his passenger, must be a family man, right?"
"It was a reflex."
"Exactly my point. You don't have kids."
"I have wives."
"You make them drive you."
"It's just a habit."
"No, it was a reflex. No time to think, but still trying to save me."
"I'm a horrible person."
"You were right about it being a habit."
"I was right about something? Alert the media."
"I'm just saying that saving me has gotten to be a habit for you."
"Only because you need it so much."
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xxv. Raspberry for immortal_teacup
"You know I hate raspberry vinaigrette."
"I don't know any such thing."
"You did it on purpose."
"You're right, I'm trying to starve you."
"Don't patronize me."
"Don't steal my food. I made you a salad of your very own."
"Stolen food tastes better."
"Apparently, as all your meals are stolen."
"You like it. It's our thing."
"We have a thing?"
"Not pursuing that one, it's too easy."
"You can have my olives."
"You don't like olives."
"I know, that's why I said you can have them."
"Why would you have olives on your salad, when you don't eat them?"
"I just do."
"Aww, Jimmy. That's sweet."
"Let the food stop your mouth."
"You love me."
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xxvi. Democracy for piepeloe
"This isn't a democracy!"
"It's supposed to be a partnership."
"That would indicate equality."
"You're right. Mentally, you're a child."
"I meant that I'm obviously superior in every way."
"Of course you are. Silly me."
"Exactly. I demand to be elected Leader for Life."
"I thought we agreed to wait until we retired, and then you could take over a South American country."
"Viva la Revolution!"
"Excelente."
"We are not amused by your sarcasm."
"We had better get amused, if we ever want to get laid again."
"Can I still be Leader for Life?"
"Take me to bed, and you can be lord, king, and emperor."
"Does that make you my queen?"
"Absolutely not."
A/N: The "South American country" bit is a nod to the excellent b/b webcomic
Friendly Hostility. Credit goes to
sauntering_down and her genius. Go forth and check it out.
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xxvii. Pharmacist for polonaise
Warning: Tiny, infinitesimal spoilers for ep 3.06 Que Sera Sera--but dammit, I'm not getting beat up for even tiny, infinitesimal spoilerage. Consider yourselves warned! ^^
"Stop harassing the pharmacist."
"But, Mom! He won't share!"
"You just filled a script, what, three days ago?"
"I left the bottle at home."
"Like you don't have a stash."
"I have stashes, just not at work."
"Come on, leave him alone."
"But I need my medicine, Mommy."
"Stop calling me that. Follow me."
"I'm not going to sit this out. I'm in pain, and I need meds."
"I'm not arguing the point. Shut up, okay, I've got a stash in my office."
"Why are you stashing Vicodin?"
"Why do you think?"
"You're a sick, twisted little puppy."
"And you're the sick, twisted bastard who profits from it."
"Point taken. Shutting up now."
"Thanks so much."
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xxviii. Montreal for gabsy
"Why McGill?"
"Why not?"
"Fine, upstanding American boy like you? Paying tuition to those damned Frenchies? Doesn't seem kosher."
"Funny. Hilarious, even. I never get tired of the Jew jokes, let me tell you."
"So, why McGill?"
"Scholarship."
"Bullshit. Your parents are loaded. Your college was paid for before you were out of diapers."
"You tell me, then."
"I think you were in love."
"Yes, of course, that's it."
"Too easy. Maybe you were just in lust."
"Maybe I just like Montreal."
"Mmm, a palpable hit. Followed a pretty girl to win her heart?"
"Not even close."
"Pretty boy, then. Did you win his heart?"
"No. Got him in bed, though."
"Nice."
"Yes, it was."
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xxix. Sore for beetle_breath
"Did I hurt you, baby?"
"No, and don't call me that."
"I'm sorry. Did you want me to?"
"It may be hard to believe, but I'm working here."
"You're grumpy, lover, is your ass sore?"
"I'm not grumpy. You're irritating."
"That's just your sphincter talking."
"Thank you for that imagery, you sadistic bastard."
"No problem, any time. Do you need a pillow?"
"The rumor-mill already has us screwing, you don't have to help it along."
"Why not? It's a splendid idea."
"Anything that involves me taking it up the ass."
"Oh, now, that's just loneliness and frustration talking."
"Fine, let me do you then."
"That just goes against the natural order of things."
"Conveniently."
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xxx. Tart for shenth
"Jimmy, you tart."
"Please, don't start."
"Mascara? Eyeliner? Lipstick? Who knew?"
"I lost a bet. Leave me alone."
"Fishnets?"
"Paying. Off. Debt. Please go away."
"I'm not going anywhere, that skirt promises to ride up any minute now."
"Leave me alone. I'll pay you."
"And abandon you to the patrons of this delightful establishment?"
"What a gentleman."
"Did you expect less of me? I'm wounded."
"Who told you?"
"A little bird. Birds, rather."
"Ducklings, more accurately."
"That'd be telling. Love the heels."
"You would."
"Jim, you're a peach. Nothing to be ashamed of."
"Please stop hitting on me, it's disturbing."
"Because you like it."
"That's right. I'm so turned on right now."
"So's the guy behind you."
"Kiss me, you fool."
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