torn in two - oneshot
Torn in two
Author: simp_anna
Pairings: Jaemin, Yoomin
Summary: Sometimes, feelings are really hard to fight back
Thanks to
theresa_lynne
Note: I'm back! I'm sorry I didn't post anything for a long long while but well, my muse had disappear. So here I am now, with a new OS that I hope you'll like. I don't know if my style has improved, I think so. errr maybe. One thing is sure, it's good to be back!
“Are you happy?”
He asked this question so often that you couldn’t help but laugh now; happiness, perhaps of irony. You circled your arms around his waist, pulling him closer, kissing him lazily. More lips on lips than tongues or teeth.
“I am happy,” you replied, “and you, Jae?”
“I’m on a vacation with my boyfriend to see my brother that I haven’t seen in years. Hell yes I’m happy!” he answered.
JaeJoong was always so lively, so joyful that you couldn’t help but smile all the time. You loved him so much for being capable of making you laugh so easily as if nothing was worth being sad over when you were with him. That was true. Since you were together -one year and four months- you saw things differently thanks to him. You were less shy, you could escape from your own little world and come into his, filled with positive thoughts. You might be the younger one, but he was the kid. However, that didn’t bother you. You liked being the tempered one, being the adult in a way.
He stayed in your arms, his nose buried in the crook of your neck, “I’m glad you came, my family loves you.”
You bit your lips before answering, “They’ve known me for only ten days.”
“Changmin, they love you!” He insisted and you couldn’t find the strength to argue.
“Who loves you?”
JaeJoong’s brother -Yoochun- entered the living room in their parents’ house. It was Sunday and you were all here for a dinner with the entire family, a tradition they always had both brothers had told you. You were really enjoying yourself in Virginia. It was different from New York City, quieter. It was always great to have a break from your job at the hospital and JaeJoong was right even if you didn’t want to admit it; his family seemed to appreciate you. The feeling was mutual. You were comfortable around them.
Yoochun stared at JaeJoong for a while, an amused smile on his lips. Then his gaze fell upon you and the smile was gone.
“So, who loves you?”
You laughed, embarrassed, “No one, just -my boss,” you lied. You didn’t want him to know what the conversation was about. You hesitated before finishing your sentence, “Jae, I’m going to check on your mom, see if she needs help.”
He punched you in the arm, “Bootlicker!” He muttered blasé.
You stuck out your tongue at him, smiling and nodding simply to Yoochun. But you could sense his stare on your back as you walked away. It made you shiver.
Actually, you didn’t check on his mother, you didn’t even go to the kitchen in the first place. You just wanted to escape. Him. Yoochun. In ten days, you had started to feel things for him. He was nice, calm, caring and kind of protective with his brother especially. He was more like the older brother than the contrary. He was the one keeping an eye on JaeJoong when you couldn’t do it yourself. You were thankful for that and you knew he was too.
Only, all these qualities were more than simply cool. You felt attracted to him; you wanted him to take you in his arms like he did it with JaeJoong. With him, you wanted to be the child. It was wrong, so wrong and you were aware of that. He was your boyfriend’s brother.
You didn’t have the right to want him, to think about him in that way.
“Can I talk to you?”
It was almost midnight and you were in JaeJoong’s parents’ bedroom, taking your coats so both of you could go back to your hotel. Yoochun was in the doorway, a sad expression on his face. You guessed he had something important to tell you -hell, you knew what it was- but he didn’t know how to do, where to begin. So you took the clothes and headed towards the hall but he grabbed your arm.
“I love you, Changmin.” He said, voice low, filled with guilt and sadness.
You lowered your head searching for something to say. You had to make it clear, you were with his brother. You loved his brother and that was not going to change. Why was that so hard to say?
He let go of your arm, entering the bedroom, putting some distance between the two of you, “I know you love JaeJoong and you don’t want to leave him and I’m not saying this to try and make you -I just… I couldn’t keep this to myself anymore.”
You stayed still and silent, not knowing how to react. You looked at him. The love and pain in his eyes made your heart ache and you closed your eyes, thinking of JaeJoong and only him.
“I think it’s the last time we’ll be alone in the same room,” Yoochun said, making you hurt again and again, “because I’m not sure that I’ll be capable of controlling myself if it happens again.”
And then he went away, brushing past you, making you shiver like almost each time he touched you or looked at you with his intense glare. You watched him go, fighting back the urge to call him, to take him in your arms and to kiss him until the pain goes away.
During the night, it started raining; thunder and lightning. Black, black, black and white; that was all you could see through the window of the hotel room. JaeJoong didn’t like to draw the curtains; a bad habit of his. He was sleeping behind you, his arms around your waist, and his cheek against the bare skin of your back. His body was warm and strong, you always liked sleeping like this, and it was peaceful and reassuring. Nevertheless, you couldn’t fall into dreamland now, too caught in feelings you had no power over and were afraid of. You tried to forget Yoochun, to let him just be a memory you were going to leave definitely in four days. Yet, you couldn’t.
“Jae?” You called.
“mmmh, ‘m sleeping Min.” He babbled but you turned around to face him.
“Jae?” You called once more.
He opened his eyes, the sleep still evident in them, “mwhat?” He asked.
You bit your lip -a bad habit of yours this time- searching the words, “Do you love me?”
Even if you were the more mature of the two of you, you needed to be protected and reassured too. Sometimes, you felt like a little child all over again and you wanted to curl up in a ball until the storm was over and the sun went back to covering you with light and joy. You didn’t show much of this side of yourself to JaeJoong; to anyone. You didn’t like the others to see your weaknesses. This, until all your barrage broke and in this particular moment, you looked for someone to take care of you.
JaeJoong smiled with his hand now on your cheek and kissed you tenderly, “Of course, I love you so much!” He said, sincere.
You huddled up to him, “I love you too.”
“Changmin, is something wrong?” He asked, worry in his voice.
You closed your eyes. What could you say? All you had to do was to run away from Yoochun for the four next days; from him and from your feelings. Then you would go back to New York with JaeJoong and everything would be back to normal. You loved him, you really did. You were just lost and torn. These certainties and beliefs you had, you were sure of your couple, of everything. Now, it was all falling apart. You couldn’t say these things to your lover; you couldn’t confess what you didn’t want to accept. You had to fight alone.
“I’m fine,” you lied, a fake smile forming on your lips, “everything’s fine.”
He kissed you, “All right, good night.”
“Good night.” You muttered and closed your eyes, knowing you wouldn’t sleep.
“How on earth did you get lost?”
You sighed, “I’m not lost, I can’t find any cab that’s all.”
JaeJoong laughed on the other end of the phone, “Min, do you need me?”
You knew it was rare enough for him to tease you with that for a while, “Yeah… Listen, all you have to do is come and pick me up -please.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
You hung up and stayed still against the wall, sighing again. You had decided to go downtown for the afternoon and JaeJoong had stayed with Yoochun; the two brothers needed some time alone together after all. But now you couldn’t find any cab, bus or any way to go back to the hotel and the night was slowly coming. The sky was already a thin pink and purple color. You put in your earphones and listened to your iPod, the voice of Mariah Carey calming you immediately. You just loved her. She was the only one capable of that. Yeah, right, go Mariah.
A car stopped in front of you twenty minutes later. You were sitting on the ground, your iPod still in your hands. You jerked your head up and gasped.
“JaeJoong had to do something about his job,” Yoochun said, hands in his pockets, avoiding any eye contact with you, “so here I am.”
You stood up, shrugged while trying to stay composed, and got in the car.
The drive to your hotel was silent and awkward. You didn’t speak, didn’t even listen to music. You didn’t dare to look at him but you felt his hand brushing against your thigh a few times. First you acted like you hadn’t noticed anything. Then you felt shivers going through your whole body. The feelings you were fighting were coming back so fast and strong that you suddenly felt dizzy. Your head and heart ached. Still, you didn’t do anything, you just stayed tense on the passenger seat, looking outside and waiting for the car to stop in the parking lot. To your surprise, it took a totally different route.
“Where are we going?” You asked, your voice more of an awful sound that you couldn’t define.
“JaeJoong’s at my place, you can sleep there and go back to your hotel tomorrow morning.” Yoochun explained.
You didn’t feel relaxed, “I -I don’t think it’s a good idea.” You said; because you knew you wouldn’t be able to hold back anything for too long anymore.
“Changmin, JaeJoong’s there, nothing can happen.”
You shivered, feeling weak in front of him, and turned your gaze toward the window.
JaeJoong was asleep on the couch when you reached Yoochun’s house. He must have had a long day you thought as you kissed him on the forehead. Then you went in the kitchen, drank a cup of coffee in silence, Yoochun’s eyes never leaving the floor.
“You can sleep in my room,” he said, “I’ll have the other couch.”
“No, that’s okay, I -”
“You’ll have my room; it’s the first door on your left.” He insisted, his voice still low; a promise that he wouldn’t come with you, that nothing would happen.
You nodded, put the cup in the sink and then went slowly to the bedroom. You didn’t light up the place, you just had to lie down on the bed and wait until the sleep came to take you away from this entire situation. You took off your t-shirt and jumped slightly when the light came on, making you close your eyes. It hurt.
“Sorry, I just needed some pillows.” Yoochun said, his gaze on your bare chest.
You felt embarrassed, shy and tried pulling your shirt back on. It was so different with Yoochun. The two brothers were so different from one another. Here you were the young man you were supposed to be. You were in charge of nothing, you realized, and it frightened you. He could give you what you gave to JaeJoong; protection, warmth, the feeling that he would always have your back. That was wrong, wrong, wrong and you wanted to scream, to go and wake up JaeJoong and then curl up in his arms. For the first time in your life, you wanted to quit your tempered and mature self and be weak.
Yoochun’s hand was suddenly on your back, skin to skin, warm and so right. You inhaled deeply.
“Yoochun, we can’t -”
But you stopped. Yoochun’s lips were on your bare shoulder. You closed your eyes.
“I can’t resist anymore, Changmin,” he whispered against your skin. “I know we shouldn’t but… I -I want you.”
And then, you were turning around and kissing him so desperately, so deeply, like nothing else mattered, like everything would disappear if you just let go. You clung to him like you had never done with anyone else. You allowed him to do everything he wanted, letting him lead everything for the first time in a long while. And it felt good.
“So, when’s your plane?”
“Tonight; eight o’clock.”
You heard them -the two brothers- speak in the morning. That simple sound broke your heart. What had you done? Your breath was caught in your throat; you felt the bile rise and clenched your fists to not throw up on the carpet in the hall. You felt sick, so sick.
It went on like that all day long. You hated yourself so much for what you had done. You were a traitor, a betrayer. JaeJoong trusted you and you had ruined all that for something that couldn’t last. Yoochun had gave you all you wanted but the one you truly loved was JaeJoong and you felt like throwing up again at the thought that you had to make this mistake to realize it. Why? You wanted to ask why, to know why, to understand but you had nothing else except the mess you were in now. All you could do was avoid them both; until Yoochun came to talk to you.
“You won’t stay here with me even if I ask you to, right?”
You remained silent.
“You still love him, don’t you?”
You lift up your head, “I’m sorry,” you said, tears that couldn’t fall still in your voice, “I was… I -I am so sorry.”
He put his hand on your shoulder, “You were lost, I know,” he smiled, a sad smile, “I’m sorry too.” He added before going back to the kitchen.
On the plane back to New York, you faced JaeJoong, “Please, forgive me.”
He stared at you in disbelief, questions in his eyes. You weren’t able to explain, to confess, as the words just wouldn’t come. He stayed still for a slight while until a smile appeared on his face.
“I forgive you.” He said, kissing the tip of your nose.
Author: simp_anna
Pairings: Jaemin, Yoomin
Summary: Sometimes, feelings are really hard to fight back
Thanks to
theresa_lynne
Note: I'm back! I'm sorry I didn't post anything for a long long while but well, my muse had disappear. So here I am now, with a new OS that I hope you'll like. I don't know if my style has improved, I think so. errr maybe. One thing is sure, it's good to be back!
“Are you happy?”
He asked this question so often that you couldn’t help but laugh now; happiness, perhaps of irony. You circled your arms around his waist, pulling him closer, kissing him lazily. More lips on lips than tongues or teeth.
“I am happy,” you replied, “and you, Jae?”
“I’m on a vacation with my boyfriend to see my brother that I haven’t seen in years. Hell yes I’m happy!” he answered.
JaeJoong was always so lively, so joyful that you couldn’t help but smile all the time. You loved him so much for being capable of making you laugh so easily as if nothing was worth being sad over when you were with him. That was true. Since you were together -one year and four months- you saw things differently thanks to him. You were less shy, you could escape from your own little world and come into his, filled with positive thoughts. You might be the younger one, but he was the kid. However, that didn’t bother you. You liked being the tempered one, being the adult in a way.
He stayed in your arms, his nose buried in the crook of your neck, “I’m glad you came, my family loves you.”
You bit your lips before answering, “They’ve known me for only ten days.”
“Changmin, they love you!” He insisted and you couldn’t find the strength to argue.
“Who loves you?”
JaeJoong’s brother -Yoochun- entered the living room in their parents’ house. It was Sunday and you were all here for a dinner with the entire family, a tradition they always had both brothers had told you. You were really enjoying yourself in Virginia. It was different from New York City, quieter. It was always great to have a break from your job at the hospital and JaeJoong was right even if you didn’t want to admit it; his family seemed to appreciate you. The feeling was mutual. You were comfortable around them.
Yoochun stared at JaeJoong for a while, an amused smile on his lips. Then his gaze fell upon you and the smile was gone.
“So, who loves you?”
You laughed, embarrassed, “No one, just -my boss,” you lied. You didn’t want him to know what the conversation was about. You hesitated before finishing your sentence, “Jae, I’m going to check on your mom, see if she needs help.”
He punched you in the arm, “Bootlicker!” He muttered blasé.
You stuck out your tongue at him, smiling and nodding simply to Yoochun. But you could sense his stare on your back as you walked away. It made you shiver.
Actually, you didn’t check on his mother, you didn’t even go to the kitchen in the first place. You just wanted to escape. Him. Yoochun. In ten days, you had started to feel things for him. He was nice, calm, caring and kind of protective with his brother especially. He was more like the older brother than the contrary. He was the one keeping an eye on JaeJoong when you couldn’t do it yourself. You were thankful for that and you knew he was too.
Only, all these qualities were more than simply cool. You felt attracted to him; you wanted him to take you in his arms like he did it with JaeJoong. With him, you wanted to be the child. It was wrong, so wrong and you were aware of that. He was your boyfriend’s brother.
You didn’t have the right to want him, to think about him in that way.
“Can I talk to you?”
It was almost midnight and you were in JaeJoong’s parents’ bedroom, taking your coats so both of you could go back to your hotel. Yoochun was in the doorway, a sad expression on his face. You guessed he had something important to tell you -hell, you knew what it was- but he didn’t know how to do, where to begin. So you took the clothes and headed towards the hall but he grabbed your arm.
“I love you, Changmin.” He said, voice low, filled with guilt and sadness.
You lowered your head searching for something to say. You had to make it clear, you were with his brother. You loved his brother and that was not going to change. Why was that so hard to say?
He let go of your arm, entering the bedroom, putting some distance between the two of you, “I know you love JaeJoong and you don’t want to leave him and I’m not saying this to try and make you -I just… I couldn’t keep this to myself anymore.”
You stayed still and silent, not knowing how to react. You looked at him. The love and pain in his eyes made your heart ache and you closed your eyes, thinking of JaeJoong and only him.
“I think it’s the last time we’ll be alone in the same room,” Yoochun said, making you hurt again and again, “because I’m not sure that I’ll be capable of controlling myself if it happens again.”
And then he went away, brushing past you, making you shiver like almost each time he touched you or looked at you with his intense glare. You watched him go, fighting back the urge to call him, to take him in your arms and to kiss him until the pain goes away.
During the night, it started raining; thunder and lightning. Black, black, black and white; that was all you could see through the window of the hotel room. JaeJoong didn’t like to draw the curtains; a bad habit of his. He was sleeping behind you, his arms around your waist, and his cheek against the bare skin of your back. His body was warm and strong, you always liked sleeping like this, and it was peaceful and reassuring. Nevertheless, you couldn’t fall into dreamland now, too caught in feelings you had no power over and were afraid of. You tried to forget Yoochun, to let him just be a memory you were going to leave definitely in four days. Yet, you couldn’t.
“Jae?” You called.
“mmmh, ‘m sleeping Min.” He babbled but you turned around to face him.
“Jae?” You called once more.
He opened his eyes, the sleep still evident in them, “mwhat?” He asked.
You bit your lip -a bad habit of yours this time- searching the words, “Do you love me?”
Even if you were the more mature of the two of you, you needed to be protected and reassured too. Sometimes, you felt like a little child all over again and you wanted to curl up in a ball until the storm was over and the sun went back to covering you with light and joy. You didn’t show much of this side of yourself to JaeJoong; to anyone. You didn’t like the others to see your weaknesses. This, until all your barrage broke and in this particular moment, you looked for someone to take care of you.
JaeJoong smiled with his hand now on your cheek and kissed you tenderly, “Of course, I love you so much!” He said, sincere.
You huddled up to him, “I love you too.”
“Changmin, is something wrong?” He asked, worry in his voice.
You closed your eyes. What could you say? All you had to do was to run away from Yoochun for the four next days; from him and from your feelings. Then you would go back to New York with JaeJoong and everything would be back to normal. You loved him, you really did. You were just lost and torn. These certainties and beliefs you had, you were sure of your couple, of everything. Now, it was all falling apart. You couldn’t say these things to your lover; you couldn’t confess what you didn’t want to accept. You had to fight alone.
“I’m fine,” you lied, a fake smile forming on your lips, “everything’s fine.”
He kissed you, “All right, good night.”
“Good night.” You muttered and closed your eyes, knowing you wouldn’t sleep.
“How on earth did you get lost?”
You sighed, “I’m not lost, I can’t find any cab that’s all.”
JaeJoong laughed on the other end of the phone, “Min, do you need me?”
You knew it was rare enough for him to tease you with that for a while, “Yeah… Listen, all you have to do is come and pick me up -please.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
You hung up and stayed still against the wall, sighing again. You had decided to go downtown for the afternoon and JaeJoong had stayed with Yoochun; the two brothers needed some time alone together after all. But now you couldn’t find any cab, bus or any way to go back to the hotel and the night was slowly coming. The sky was already a thin pink and purple color. You put in your earphones and listened to your iPod, the voice of Mariah Carey calming you immediately. You just loved her. She was the only one capable of that. Yeah, right, go Mariah.
A car stopped in front of you twenty minutes later. You were sitting on the ground, your iPod still in your hands. You jerked your head up and gasped.
“JaeJoong had to do something about his job,” Yoochun said, hands in his pockets, avoiding any eye contact with you, “so here I am.”
You stood up, shrugged while trying to stay composed, and got in the car.
The drive to your hotel was silent and awkward. You didn’t speak, didn’t even listen to music. You didn’t dare to look at him but you felt his hand brushing against your thigh a few times. First you acted like you hadn’t noticed anything. Then you felt shivers going through your whole body. The feelings you were fighting were coming back so fast and strong that you suddenly felt dizzy. Your head and heart ached. Still, you didn’t do anything, you just stayed tense on the passenger seat, looking outside and waiting for the car to stop in the parking lot. To your surprise, it took a totally different route.
“Where are we going?” You asked, your voice more of an awful sound that you couldn’t define.
“JaeJoong’s at my place, you can sleep there and go back to your hotel tomorrow morning.” Yoochun explained.
You didn’t feel relaxed, “I -I don’t think it’s a good idea.” You said; because you knew you wouldn’t be able to hold back anything for too long anymore.
“Changmin, JaeJoong’s there, nothing can happen.”
You shivered, feeling weak in front of him, and turned your gaze toward the window.
JaeJoong was asleep on the couch when you reached Yoochun’s house. He must have had a long day you thought as you kissed him on the forehead. Then you went in the kitchen, drank a cup of coffee in silence, Yoochun’s eyes never leaving the floor.
“You can sleep in my room,” he said, “I’ll have the other couch.”
“No, that’s okay, I -”
“You’ll have my room; it’s the first door on your left.” He insisted, his voice still low; a promise that he wouldn’t come with you, that nothing would happen.
You nodded, put the cup in the sink and then went slowly to the bedroom. You didn’t light up the place, you just had to lie down on the bed and wait until the sleep came to take you away from this entire situation. You took off your t-shirt and jumped slightly when the light came on, making you close your eyes. It hurt.
“Sorry, I just needed some pillows.” Yoochun said, his gaze on your bare chest.
You felt embarrassed, shy and tried pulling your shirt back on. It was so different with Yoochun. The two brothers were so different from one another. Here you were the young man you were supposed to be. You were in charge of nothing, you realized, and it frightened you. He could give you what you gave to JaeJoong; protection, warmth, the feeling that he would always have your back. That was wrong, wrong, wrong and you wanted to scream, to go and wake up JaeJoong and then curl up in his arms. For the first time in your life, you wanted to quit your tempered and mature self and be weak.
Yoochun’s hand was suddenly on your back, skin to skin, warm and so right. You inhaled deeply.
“Yoochun, we can’t -”
But you stopped. Yoochun’s lips were on your bare shoulder. You closed your eyes.
“I can’t resist anymore, Changmin,” he whispered against your skin. “I know we shouldn’t but… I -I want you.”
And then, you were turning around and kissing him so desperately, so deeply, like nothing else mattered, like everything would disappear if you just let go. You clung to him like you had never done with anyone else. You allowed him to do everything he wanted, letting him lead everything for the first time in a long while. And it felt good.
“So, when’s your plane?”
“Tonight; eight o’clock.”
You heard them -the two brothers- speak in the morning. That simple sound broke your heart. What had you done? Your breath was caught in your throat; you felt the bile rise and clenched your fists to not throw up on the carpet in the hall. You felt sick, so sick.
It went on like that all day long. You hated yourself so much for what you had done. You were a traitor, a betrayer. JaeJoong trusted you and you had ruined all that for something that couldn’t last. Yoochun had gave you all you wanted but the one you truly loved was JaeJoong and you felt like throwing up again at the thought that you had to make this mistake to realize it. Why? You wanted to ask why, to know why, to understand but you had nothing else except the mess you were in now. All you could do was avoid them both; until Yoochun came to talk to you.
“You won’t stay here with me even if I ask you to, right?”
You remained silent.
“You still love him, don’t you?”
You lift up your head, “I’m sorry,” you said, tears that couldn’t fall still in your voice, “I was… I -I am so sorry.”
He put his hand on your shoulder, “You were lost, I know,” he smiled, a sad smile, “I’m sorry too.” He added before going back to the kitchen.
On the plane back to New York, you faced JaeJoong, “Please, forgive me.”
He stared at you in disbelief, questions in his eyes. You weren’t able to explain, to confess, as the words just wouldn’t come. He stayed still for a slight while until a smile appeared on his face.
“I forgive you.” He said, kissing the tip of your nose.