(no subject)
I never believed people when they’d say something like “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.” Someone can love you whether you hate yourself or not, there’s no law that dictates that. Maybe true that it’s not likely someone will keep loving you if you can’t love yourself, and that’s reaction. I’d go with the theory that no one can (should) expect something out of you if you don’t expect something out of yourself. I keep my expectations for myself limited, sometimes to doing simple tasks that day and no more into the future than that. I guess when people expect a lot out of me, I’m not the best person to set that one. You never mean to let someone down, it just happens. When I’d let my parents down, I’d say, “Don’t lecture me about this or try to make me feel worse because I guarantee I’m punishing myself worse than you ever could.” That’s no compensation though. It doesn’t make things better for anyone and it doesn’t erase the past.
It’s difficult to know what to say now, especially in a journal. I barely know what to say anywhere else, so I just about gave up saying something here. It’s too late, too much has happened and it seems everyone involved is still picking up the pieces. There’s nothing I could say that would be of importance or would have much of a point. I’m not going to give excuses or defend myself because there’s no story to it. Things happen, people fuck up, and this is a result of that. It still amazes me though that some people who aren’t directly involved can wait like wolves for one fall to proclaim someone is heartless and cruel and only out for themselves and everyone should have seen it. As if your own fuck ups are okay because someone you dislike made one too.
I have a lot I need to do right now, but I feel vacant. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing at all and what I should be doing. I’ve had to get on with normal life when my mental state isn’t too well before, I can do it again. Divorces, career, all that fun stuff. I’ll be going to see my wife for the first time in many, many months fairly soon, and that’s a hard thing to prepare for.
I told Damon I didn’t care about apologizing to anyone but Amanda. That’s not meant to sound rude, she’s just the one I have on my mind, the one I would take back hurting if I had to choose. I don’t think it’s just as simple as apologizing and making up though, it never really is. There’s always some catch, something that will happen to catch you off guard in another month or so and I don’t want to risk that right now. Everyone’s been talking about time lately and how it benefits or hurts, but moreover, it’s just something you deal with and wait for to pass with the hope that it’ll be better the next day, or maybe the next after that.
It’s difficult to know what to say now, especially in a journal. I barely know what to say anywhere else, so I just about gave up saying something here. It’s too late, too much has happened and it seems everyone involved is still picking up the pieces. There’s nothing I could say that would be of importance or would have much of a point. I’m not going to give excuses or defend myself because there’s no story to it. Things happen, people fuck up, and this is a result of that. It still amazes me though that some people who aren’t directly involved can wait like wolves for one fall to proclaim someone is heartless and cruel and only out for themselves and everyone should have seen it. As if your own fuck ups are okay because someone you dislike made one too.
I have a lot I need to do right now, but I feel vacant. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing at all and what I should be doing. I’ve had to get on with normal life when my mental state isn’t too well before, I can do it again. Divorces, career, all that fun stuff. I’ll be going to see my wife for the first time in many, many months fairly soon, and that’s a hard thing to prepare for.
I told Damon I didn’t care about apologizing to anyone but Amanda. That’s not meant to sound rude, she’s just the one I have on my mind, the one I would take back hurting if I had to choose. I don’t think it’s just as simple as apologizing and making up though, it never really is. There’s always some catch, something that will happen to catch you off guard in another month or so and I don’t want to risk that right now. Everyone’s been talking about time lately and how it benefits or hurts, but moreover, it’s just something you deal with and wait for to pass with the hope that it’ll be better the next day, or maybe the next after that.