Woah - Crazy Day
Waahhh... I had a weird day today. I spent most of it making jittery motions and muttering about beach monkeys (humans) I'm not exactly sure what started it off, but what really got it going was walking through Baker's Lounge with a group of shrieking girls, fighting through a crowd of people standing around in front of the stairs for no reason, and walking through the tunnels that were filled with the stench of hu-man. Twice today, I had to go to the bathroom and scrub frantically at my hands to get the filth of people off of me.
So I went to Leo's, to try and get used to being with people again. Eventually I got a pat on the back from Bern when she saw that I was freaked out, and a bunch of encouragement (plus a hug!) from Lynn. :) That settled me down.
What I worry about when freaked out like that is that I feel like I could stop if I wanted to. I'm conscious of my actions, and yet I continue to be freaked out. Even if I tell myself to stop, I usually end up returning to that mindset. I continue either because:
A) It's amusing to see people respond to my apparent insanity.
B) It's amusing to *be* like that, because many characters that I model myself after (Raoul Duke in Fear and Loathing, for one) act similarly.
C) The mindset, though creepy, scary, and frustrating, is useful. It's a different point of view (extremely important) and it's frantic. Thoughts and words flow quickly and clearly, for the most part.
D) Perhaps I actually *am* like that, and don't have the mental strength to force myself to behave differently (though I'd like to think I do)
The good thing about that paranoid/scared state of mind is that it can really get some intelligent thought out. I wrote about three pages of stuff to help flesh out my ideas for AI. Basically I'm thinking about multiple streams of matrices, with functions to build new matrices out of connections between the data. The content of the matrices can be anything, from emotion levels to sensory input to functions to whatever. Those of you in my databases course will now see why I have an interest in it.
And, yeah. I'll just ignore how I haven't posted in nearly a month.
So I went to Leo's, to try and get used to being with people again. Eventually I got a pat on the back from Bern when she saw that I was freaked out, and a bunch of encouragement (plus a hug!) from Lynn. :) That settled me down.
What I worry about when freaked out like that is that I feel like I could stop if I wanted to. I'm conscious of my actions, and yet I continue to be freaked out. Even if I tell myself to stop, I usually end up returning to that mindset. I continue either because:
A) It's amusing to see people respond to my apparent insanity.
B) It's amusing to *be* like that, because many characters that I model myself after (Raoul Duke in Fear and Loathing, for one) act similarly.
C) The mindset, though creepy, scary, and frustrating, is useful. It's a different point of view (extremely important) and it's frantic. Thoughts and words flow quickly and clearly, for the most part.
D) Perhaps I actually *am* like that, and don't have the mental strength to force myself to behave differently (though I'd like to think I do)
The good thing about that paranoid/scared state of mind is that it can really get some intelligent thought out. I wrote about three pages of stuff to help flesh out my ideas for AI. Basically I'm thinking about multiple streams of matrices, with functions to build new matrices out of connections between the data. The content of the matrices can be anything, from emotion levels to sensory input to functions to whatever. Those of you in my databases course will now see why I have an interest in it.
And, yeah. I'll just ignore how I haven't posted in nearly a month.