Margulies Monarchy { 1.1 }
The first of many chapters! I welcome you to the Margulies Monarchy... generation one, chapter one, "I have a throne."
Starting this monarchy with my queen, Lady Margulies Buchard.
She reminds me a bit of the Blood Countess.
Margulies: ...
I didn't say you were a rich queen.
Margulies: You're lucky this mirror is staring at me so handsomely... oh wait! That's me.
I need to start writing down names. I don't remember anybody's but the ones I made up. Sometimes not even then. This guy is the royal Builder so we'll call him Builder PuffnStuff.
Builder PuffnStuff: AND THEN she says "That's not my gilded petticoat!"
Margulies: What foolery!
Margulies: Now let us get down to brass knobs. I have a few "building adjustments" I'd like you to make...
Builder PuffnStuff: My lady, I've told you several times before that I haven't the tools to build you a 'crock pot,' whatever that is.
Margulies: Well how the hell else am I supposed to get the succulent flavor of my chicken breast infused to my potatoes?!
Having heard enough of the builder's sass coupled with his inability to grant a simple request like basting potatoes in meat juices, Margulies went for a walk.
Margulies: You would taste good in savory meat juices, wouldn't you?
Margulies: Screw it. Maybe I'll learn to play the mandolin.
Thief: 'Poker face, Poker Face, Poker face'
On her trek she came across a thief. Thankfully Margulies has the bloodthirsty trait and loves a good brawl.
She attacked him before he could try and mug her and went straight for his neck.
And now we dance.
Margulies: What the hell is this? WHAT IS IT?
Thief: A-a glove...?
Evidently I didn't understand what was left of this quest, apparently beating the mugger until he was a sad shell of his former self wasn't enough -- Margulies was supposed to duel him, too.
Thief: Maybe if I play dead she'll leave...
Nope.
After emerging victorious from her battle with the thief, Margulies had business to tend to down by the mines AKA random dead body field.
Creepy Guy: So, can I get, like... a hole or something for these guys?
While the queen handled her business, I took a scenic shot.
Margulies: Yes, I am the queen.
Boy: I didn't say anything, conceited.
There was a report of bullying around town! Margulies can't be having that kind of slick jive!
Margulies: No, stop, or I'll arrest you too for that horrible language.
Whatever.
Margulies: Henceforth with the list of crimes!
Crime list reader: Ah, yes. This bully is charged with... calling the inn keeper an unfortunate looking woman!
Margulies: ...
Bully: Watch the hair.
Very mature, Margulies.
Margulies: This gruel would taste so much better if I had a #$^@ing crock pot...
Out of all the people hanging around her court, this guy was the most adorable. Of course he was a peasant. Of course.
Cutie Peasant: Ah, good eve my lady!
Margulies: Good eve!
Cutie Peasant: Might I invite you to look at this empty space beside me?
Margulies: ಠ_ಠ
Cutie Peasant: OMG GOT U
Margulies: LOL
Sadly, the game "needed" her to romance this woman for the sake of questage. Margulies was none too pleased and did a few coin tricks before chunking the deuce and bailing.
Margulies: H-Hey...
Bard: I think I left my oven on.
Margulies: 'New Town Decree: When the queen dances, you ALL dance.' Jerks.
Margulies completed her first full day as queen without burning anything down or having her head chopped off. Yay!
The next morning she was all too eager to hear petitions from the local residents.
Margulies: I'm not eager.
Okay, tolerant?
Margulies: Still pushing it.
Margulies: Sigh. Rise. Yay, verily.
Lady that she was talking to last night but doesn't recognize: Your highness, I'd like to see about possibly funding more caulderons to be built for the local villages so that we may properly heat our food...
Margulies: HA! Yeah, the day I get my crock pot is the day you can have warm food. Am I right or am I right??
Margulies: Oh my god you smell get out of here
Bard: But, mi'lady, I need a--
Margulies: A bath in the acid lining a dragon's belly?
Two petitions was two more than Margulies was willing to hear, so she wrote a lengthy letter to no one in particular and went to find herself a pigeon to carry the message onward.
Um... what are you doing?
Margulies: Checking to see if it's a boy or girl.
Does it matter?
Margulies: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS QUESTIONING ME?
Margulies: Check out my swagger wagon.
No. No I will not.
Margulies: No, I don't want to hear ten new and fascinating ways I can upgrade my long distance pigeon carrier plan, I just want to take a $%(@!* bath!
And so I leave you with Margulies screaming at her new advisor for loitering around her bathing chambers. Good eve!