(no subject)
I... cannot... wait for school to start. Up at 6:30-7 every morning, adhering to a strict schedule, my life will have order and meaning again. I am simply unable to function, to get anything accomplished, to feel less than a huge overwhelming constant din of anxiety and self-doubt and self-disgust and laziness, unless I am up early every morning going out and going to class. I need strict external order to ease the awful disorder of my mind. I should take to calling myself entropy-head. *groan* I totally feel like a different person when on that early schedule, I feel awake and alive and capable and in control, proud and confident and... easy. Calm. These few weeks left before the semester starts need to be spent organizing and finishing my environment, devising means to keep things on track, to keep track of my finances, to have a straightforward filing system, to manage and store my multitude of CD's and CD-ROM's, to keep my room neat. I feel like if one piece, one link in the chain falls away, everything will crumble and I'll be left my old immovable, disinterested self. Goddamn these perfectionistic tendencies.
I have so many big things I want to accomplish for myself, not in the "accomplish something so I can advance or get ahead in life" way but just for my own personal satisfaction. There's so much that I cannot focus on one thing, I'm overwhelmed by the size of my collective schemes and I am simply unable to act on any of it. My mother suggested making a list of all these things and choosing one at a time to work on and not letting myself worry about the others until I have finished that one. Composing the music that's been haunting my mind... learning Finnish... writing down and completing the stories I've imagined... and a more immediate one, given financial necessity: selling all the crap I have to sell on ebay. Why must my brain be immersed in such chaos... wonder if I can trade this model in for one that's not defective >.<
(Of course, then I wouldn't be so wonderfully strange, and we can't have THAT now can we?)
I have so many big things I want to accomplish for myself, not in the "accomplish something so I can advance or get ahead in life" way but just for my own personal satisfaction. There's so much that I cannot focus on one thing, I'm overwhelmed by the size of my collective schemes and I am simply unable to act on any of it. My mother suggested making a list of all these things and choosing one at a time to work on and not letting myself worry about the others until I have finished that one. Composing the music that's been haunting my mind... learning Finnish... writing down and completing the stories I've imagined... and a more immediate one, given financial necessity: selling all the crap I have to sell on ebay. Why must my brain be immersed in such chaos... wonder if I can trade this model in for one that's not defective >.<
(Of course, then I wouldn't be so wonderfully strange, and we can't have THAT now can we?)