Tired But Wandering Still
I am tired.
At 21, I am already tired. I am tired of wandering, tired of searching for that purpose in life that only God knows what. I am tired of having to feel the need to go somewhere I can feel safe and secure the soonest time possible.
Everyday is a struggle. Everyday feels like being dwarfed by the vastness of the oceans of the world as I traverse them, all the while desperately screwing up my courage just so I could keep my small ship in its course amid the violent tossing and turning of the treacherous waters. Everyday is a battle against the things I cannot control; everyday is an endless search for answers on the whys and the hows.
In a time lapse, I am on a standstill. While I am busy trying to figure out what I have and what I want to do, the world has already gone ahead of me. This feeling of getting left behind I cannot quell, it feels like I have to constantly move, never mind where, as long as I keep on moving.
Sometimes I get marooned in the middle of the the water's eternity, strayed by uncontrollable currents that I have to fight off relentlessly. Doing all of this, I am utterly dead beat.
But I know this excruciating journey is just the beginning.
I am not complaining, I am not whining. I am not saying I don't want to go any further. I just want people to know that I am tired. Tired of the cycle that has shaped up my life right now. A cycle that is far from what I have aspired for, far from the Life that I knew. And this has to stop.
I need some time to breathe and I need to be alone for a while, redeem my self, and regain whatever that has been lost - the inspiration, the motivation, the reason why I am where I am now.
Giving up is not an option. It has never been one.
I am just tired. I shall continue sailing still, continue where I've left off and perhaps, discover that safe harbor I could dock my worn out vessel at.