(no subject)
So I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. Not remorseful, or pining, or jealous. Just… evocative.
Ran into my ex last week at faire. It was very pleasant. Yes, I got a lot of shit at the time, both for dating older guys and for dating several of them at a time. But truthfully, dating him was… fun. And I love being able to see people that I’ve been previously involved with, and not have… issues. It is so nice to be able to pick up the tenuous pieces of old friendships and relationships and forego the strangeness. To avoid conversations like: “I’m sorry… why are you calling again?”. (Thank you Reymundo O’Campo for that treasure of a memory)
And then, predictably, I begin thinking about all those that I care about, and have cared about. And find myself wondering if they still care for me.
And I miss everyone so badly. I miss Dylan, Theresa, David, Jahan, Svetlana, Alyssa, Andrea, Derrick, Jeb and Tim... and so many more. I miss what I once had; and what is now impossible to regain in it’s former capacity. And then all those that I cared for, and enjoyed what we had, though it will never again be possible to recreate any lasting ties: Arianne, Evan, Michael, Alex. It seems that my acquaintance list continues to grow unchecked, while my friends keep dwindling and fading.
Worst of all, I find myself wistfully yearning for things that will never be and cannot ever be. It is not… comfortable for me to wish for unreachable things. It is certainly unfamiliar enough to longingly reminisce, but dreaming beyond my reach is a new issue entirely. I push myself, harder than I would ever push anyone else. I hold myself to an impossible standard because I am better for it. But what good can come of setting myself up for failure?
Ran into my ex last week at faire. It was very pleasant. Yes, I got a lot of shit at the time, both for dating older guys and for dating several of them at a time. But truthfully, dating him was… fun. And I love being able to see people that I’ve been previously involved with, and not have… issues. It is so nice to be able to pick up the tenuous pieces of old friendships and relationships and forego the strangeness. To avoid conversations like: “I’m sorry… why are you calling again?”. (Thank you Reymundo O’Campo for that treasure of a memory)
And then, predictably, I begin thinking about all those that I care about, and have cared about. And find myself wondering if they still care for me.
And I miss everyone so badly. I miss Dylan, Theresa, David, Jahan, Svetlana, Alyssa, Andrea, Derrick, Jeb and Tim... and so many more. I miss what I once had; and what is now impossible to regain in it’s former capacity. And then all those that I cared for, and enjoyed what we had, though it will never again be possible to recreate any lasting ties: Arianne, Evan, Michael, Alex. It seems that my acquaintance list continues to grow unchecked, while my friends keep dwindling and fading.
Worst of all, I find myself wistfully yearning for things that will never be and cannot ever be. It is not… comfortable for me to wish for unreachable things. It is certainly unfamiliar enough to longingly reminisce, but dreaming beyond my reach is a new issue entirely. I push myself, harder than I would ever push anyone else. I hold myself to an impossible standard because I am better for it. But what good can come of setting myself up for failure?